JIM
I didn’t steal any money. That’s not been proven.
SALLY
Yet …
JIM
Ah, fuck you all. I should have kept my mouth shut.
FRED
I’m tired.
JIM
So am I. Of this whole fucking arrangement.
SALLY
Why are you tired, Fred?
FRED
I just am. I wanna go home. (pause) Hey, this place looks familiar.
They all go silent.
FRED
Were we here before?
SALLY
Fred, honey, don’t you remember?
FRED
I think I remember somebody … somebody died. A white guy. Yeah. Over there. Wasn’t there a dead white guy over there … once?
SALLY
Yes, Fred, once—but remember we promised never to say anything about him ever again?
FRED
We did? Why?
SALLY
Just because, Fred. Just because.
FRED
I guess that’s a good reason.
JIM
He’s fried. Man, I thought I was bad off, but he’s tobogganning down a steep hill with no toboggan. Or snow.
FRED
Where is he?
SALLY
Who, Fred?
FRED
The dead white … writer. That’s it. He was a writer. He wrote things. Didn’t he?
JOHN
Fred, just let it go. That was a long time ago.
FRED
No it wasn’t.
BILL
Will somebody shut him up?
MIKE
Fred, why don’t you tell us about why you’re here?
FRED
I’m here because I wanted to be here. Didn’t we all want to be here? We all brought ourselves here. Didn’t we?
MIKE
No, Fred. Why you’re here at this A.A. meeting. What made you start drinking?
FRED
’Cause I’m a drunk.
JOHN
Christ, Oka didn’t take this long.
MIKE
Fred, pay attention. Why are you a drunk? What made you a drunk? And what made you stop?
FRED
Oh, what made me a drunk. (pause) I think it was the drinking.
JIM
Jesus!
FRED
I went to residential school. Did I ever tell you what happened there?
JIM
Every friggin’ meeting. Mike …
MIKE
Cut him some slack, Jim. You know what he’s been through. He’s had it rougher than any of us.
JOHN
But he wanted to be educated. It’s not our fault. And he keeps breaking our agreement.
SALLY
He’s ill. Aren’t you, sweetie?
FRED
I’m ill.
JOHN
We’re all ill, Sally. It’s an A.A. meeting, for Christ’s sake. But there are rules. We agreed. He agreed. We can’t break the rules.
FRED
I know. I’m bad. Did I tell you I saw him?
MIKE
Saw who?
FRED
The dead writer guy.
Everybody freezes.
FRED
Except he wasn’t dead. Unless dead people work at the liquor store. He’s back from the dead. And he wasn’t writing. He sold me a mickey of vodka, just a little while ago. He had a nice smile.
Everybody is silent as what FRED says sinks in.
JIM
That’s impossible.
FRED
No, his smile was very nice.
JIM
Fuck, he’s hallucinating again. We should have left him in the rehab centre.
FRED
Where did we last put him?
SALLY
Who, honey?
FRED
The dead white writer. Where’d we leave him … I think it was over there, wasn’t it?
JOHN
Mike, he’s going out of character. Do something!
JIM
Shut up, Fred.
MIKE
Leave him alone. Fred, there is no more dead white writer. You must have seen somebody else that just looked like him. He’s gone.
FRED
Gone? How can he be gone? People can’t just be gone.
BILL
Yes, they can be gone. We got rid of him. And we promised we’d never mention him again. So don’t.
JOHN
Yeah.
FRED
Did we ever find out who killed him?
Everybody is silent.
JIM
Fred … sit down and shut up before I knock you back to the 1800s.
FRED gets up and wanders over to the place where the dead white writer used to be.
FRED
We left him over here, didn’t we?
JIM
Fred, what part of “sit down and shut up” didn’t you understand?
JOHN
I thought we were having an A.A. meeting. What happened to that? Hi, my name is John and I’m an …
JIM
Ah, Christ, give it up and let’s go home. I never should have come back here. Anybody need a ride? I brought my Hummer.
BILL
You got a Hummer? Man, don’t those things cost a fortune?
SALLY
On a chief’s salary?
JIM
I shop a lot in dollar stores. Leave me alone.
JOHN
Hey, wait a minute. I didn’t get a chance to finish. I’m just as much an alcoholic as you guys.
MIKE
John, please …
JOHN
Mike, Mike, please, let me talk. Okay. I just need a few minutes.
MIKE
It’s fine with me. If it’s fine with everybody else?
SALLY/BILL/JIM
Yeah, sure, what the hell.
MIKE
Go ahead, John.
JOHN
Hi, my name is John and I’m an alcoholic.
EVERYBODY
(unenthusiastically) Hello, John.
JOHN
Um, yeah, I’ve been sober for almost two months now. Power to the people. Thank you.
JIM
That’s it?
JOHN
I didn’t say I’d be long.
JIM
I think your bone choker’s on a little too tight.
MIKE
John, what made you start to drink?
JOHN
Oh, I never actually drank. Never touch the stuff.
BILL
Then why the hell are you here?
JOHN
I just want to hang out. It’s a slow week, protest-wise.
BILL
I’m tellin’ you, man, that Federation of Warriors thing you tried to put together, that was funny.
JOHN
It was not.
BILL
Yeah, what did you originally call it?
JIM
Oh yeah, the Canadian Organization of Warrior Societies.
BILL
Or C.O.W.S. for short. You lost a lot of credibility for that one, my friend. Acronyms, always have somebody check your acronyms.
JOHN
Bill, you know as well as I do, we’re not called that anymore. We’re the Warrior Alliance of Canada.
BILL
Yeah, that’s much better. W.A.C. John, my friend, you are truly whacked.
SALLY
Fred, what are you doing?
FRED walks up to the closet door and tries to open it. It is locked. He keeps trying.
MIKE
Fred, it’s locked. It won’t open.
FRED
I think we put him in here. Didn’t we? Didn’t we put him in here? ’Cause that’s where we found him. We put him back where we found him. We were very neat.
JIM
Ah, ma
n, there he goes again. I thought we put all this behind us.
FRED
(pointing to MIKE) And you have the key.
JOHN
Mike, how does he know that?
SALLY
Do you have the key?
JIM
I thought you said you threw it away.
They all look expectantly at MIKE.
JIM
Well, Mike? Do you still have the key?
MIKE seems a little defensive. He shuffles uncomfortably before reaching into his shirt pocket and pulling out a small key.
BILL
Oh, man … Why, Mike?
MIKE
I was going to throw it away after Jim did … what Jim said he was going to do. But still, I consider it a symbol of our journey from chaos to reality, a talisman on our path to wellness. Besides, it’s all we have left.
JOHN
We didn’t want anything left. That’s why we left. You agreed.
SALLY
You did agree, Mike. We all heard you.
BILL
This is all a crock of shit! I can’t believe we’re back talking about this again. He was gone. We were free.
FRED
Can I have the key, please?
MIKE
You don’t want the key, Fred.
JOHN
None of us wants that damned key.
SALLY
Fred, honey, why do you want the key?
FRED
I want to see him.
SALLY
Why?
FRED
Something’s different.
MIKE
A lot’s different, Fred. Why look at him now?
FRED
That’s why all of us showed up for today’s meeting. Something’s not right.
BILL
Oh, for the love of … I’m telling you, man. He’s wandering through the forest without a compass. (yelling) What’s not right, ya crazy …?
FRED
Us. We’re not right. You felt it, didn’t you?
JIM
I didn’t feel anything. I take it all back. Everything’s fine.
BILL
Fred, you’re not right in the head. Everybody knows that. But don’t drag us on your little vision quest. I’m just peachy. Fuckin’ fine.
JOHN
Me too.
JIM
I’m finer than fine.
FRED
Please, Mike, give me the key. I have to see him.
JIM/JOHN/BILL/SALLY
Don’t do it. This isn’t right. Just throw it away.
There is a moment of silence.
MIKE
It’s just a key.
FRED
It’s just a key.
He takes it from MIKE and opens the door. Once again we can see only the legs of the dead white writer. The rest of him is obscured.
JIM
Shit.
SALLY
There he is.
BILL
Close the door.
FRED
I remember now.
BILL
Mike, close the damned door.
MIKE closes it. There is silence.
JOHN
That was a stupid thing to do.
BILL
(to JIM) I thought you were gonna get rid of him.
JIM
I … I never got around to it.
BILL
You never got around to it! How can you not get around to disposing of a dead body?! That’s kind of high on most politicians’ priority lists.
JIM
Hey, I’m a busy guy. I got a reserve to run.
BILL
I think I liked you better when you could barely talk. Well, how long were you gonna let him stay in there? I’m surprised he ain’t smelling up the place. If somebody finds him, this will be really bad for business.
JIM
Well, if you’re in such a damned hurry to get rid of him, be my guest.
BILL
It wasn’t my responsibility. Mike, Jim, you had the key. You two were responsible for taking care of … this. Don’t shove it off on us.
MIKE
I thought he took care of it. Honest. I even said a blessing over him. I mean … we don’t have to be savages.
JIM
I have my own key.
MIKE
You do? When? Why?
JIM
Because I wanted to. I have the keys to every place in this community.
MIKE
Where is it now?
JIM
In the glove compartment of my Hummer.
BILL
You had your own key and you “never got around to it”? How irresponsible.
JIM
Excuse me, but do you know how many things I’m juggling at the moment?! I don’t have a lot of time. I got other priorities.
SALLY
Like sending out our welfare cheques?! I’m serious about this, Jim. My kids gotta eat. You know as well as I do that little Frank is way too small for his age. He’s gotta eat more. And little Angie still has that sore throat. And when’s the housing repair committee going to come and take a look at my house? I got drafts coming through holes in my walls that are bigger than hummingbirds and raccoons. Huh? When?
JIM
Talk to the band council. I don’t care about your drafts and snot-nosed kids. There are bigger issues here.
SALLY
Honey, there’s nothing bigger or more important than my kids. Listen here, I’m coming up to that office first thing tomorrow, and my cheque better be there or you’re going to get one size-six shoe up your ass.
JIM
Honey, you ain’t been a size-six anything since we got here and you discovered Indian tacos. And I’ve had bigger and badder women try to do me harm. You’re just another face in this crowd of ingrates.
FRED
You saw him, too, didn’t you?
JIM
Saw who? No, I didn’t. I didn’t see anybody. You’re one crazy loon.
FRED
That’s why you didn’t move his body. It freaked you out. That’s why you’re here. Where did you see him?
Everybody looks at JIM. He looks cornered.
MIKE
Jim?
JIM
Oh, relax. It wasn’t him. Just another good-looking white guy, with a strong chin. I got … friends that do stuff. Stuff that sometimes needs to be done. Handle … things discreetly, if you know what I mean.
SALLY
Ho-ly, everything we’ve heard about you … it’s true.
JIM
No, it’s not. I categorically deny it. And I’m innocent till proven guilty. Still, I thought it best to call this guy about moving the body, and he and some muscle showed up to negotiate … and …
SALLY
And …
JIM
The guy with the pickaxe … in the right light, from the right angle, without the beard … you could almost swear …
JOHN
Shit, what does that mean?
JIM
Nothing. It means nothing. I said it wasn’t him. It just looked like him. No need to freak out.
MIKE
Everybody, just calm down. Sally, calm down. You too, Jim. I’m sure you’re right. It couldn’t have been him. He’s right here. But Bill’s right too. We can’t just leave the body in there. We’ve got to do something.
BILL
Wow, Mike, you hold one hell of an A.A. meeting. Few more of these and I’ll want to start drinking again.
FRED
It’s not right.
SALLY
Honey, you said that before. Everything’s just fine. We’re just having some disagreements. Honestly. Why don’t you just sit down and rest a while? Here, have some coffee. It will calm you down.
JIM
I could just kick his ass. He’s ruining everything.
MIKE
(indicating the body) Still, b
ack to the main argument, are you gonna eventually do something about … him?
JIM
Yeah, it’s on my list of things to do. Tomorrow. I’ll take care of it tomorrow. I’ve got these other friends …
BILL
You and your friends … do any of them wear a mask?
JIM
Bill, don’t push me. Just because you financed my campaign, don’t mean …
BILL
Don’t mean what?
FRED
(to SALLY) Are you happy?
SALLY
Am I happy? What do you mean?
FRED
(to MIKE) Mike, are you happy? Are you the man you wanted to be?
JIM
Don’t answer him. He’s off again.
FRED
(to JIM) What about you?
JIM
I’m not talking to you.
FRED
This isn’t me. This isn’t you.
JOHN
Maybe we should consider getting him to a hospital or something. He could be having a stroke or something.
FRED gets up quickly and opens the door again, to look at the body.
BILL
He’s at it again. Fred, sit down. The writer’s not going anywhere.
JOHN
Maybe you should lock him back in the closet again. Till, like, you actually get rid of him. I’d feel safer.
FRED kneels down and touches the body. SALLY tries to lead him away.
SALLY
Fred, leave the man alone. Come with me and …
FRED
I thought you said he was dead.
SALLY
He is.
FRED
Then why is he warm?
BILL
Warm?! Who? The writer?
JIM
Impossible. He’s dead.
SALLY reaches in and hesitantly touches the body. She quickly removes her hand, frightened.
SALLY
He’s right. He’s warm. I think I felt a pulse. Ho-ly, he is alive!
JOHN
He can’t be. He’s been in there for …
JOHN rushes in between them, roughly pushing FRED aside. Almost immediately, he stumbles back, away from the body.
JOHN
JESUS MOTHER OF GOD!
SALLY
I told you. I told you!
JIM
It’s a trick. A trick Fred’s playing on us.
JOHN
No! He is alive. He is! It was him. I knew it was him.
One by one, they all turn to look at JOHN, who is getting more and more frantic.
MIKE
John …?
JOHN
He was the cop! It was hard to tell behind the shades, but I knew, I could tell, I just didn’t want to admit it.
FRED
John sees. John knows.
JOHN
I got … I got … I got pulled over a while back. For smuggling cigarettes, you know, to finance the cause … it’s hard to change the world on just pocket change … and I got pulled over. I was in the process of calling my lawyer, and my publicist, when the cop stepped up to my window. I couldn’t speak or anything. I mean, this had happened a dozen times before, and if nothing else, it was good publicity for the cause. But this time he took all my product … I let him, and then I sat there on the side of the road, for an hour. Trying to tell myself that wasn’t him. But it must have been.
Dead White Writer on the Floor Page 5
