The first time wasn’t easy. James didn't want to hurt Karen, but he knew he needed to push against any resistance he felt. As he pushed against her, he felt the last vestige of her girlhood break. She was now a woman. At least that’s how The Bible put it.
The second and third times were better; they were both more relaxed. The pair could now enjoy the bond between them. They could only grow closer.
James told Karen he loved her that night. It had slipped out as they lay in the dark, sweaty from their experimentation. He had been thinking of how wonderful she was, thinking of how he loved her, when he ended up saying it aloud. He was sure she would laugh at him and dismiss it, or she would freak out, and he would have ruined both their blossoming romance and their friendship.
“Oh James, I love you too!” she replied, to James’ great relief. James let out a sigh of relief and smiled. She caressed his face.
“Can I tell you a secret?” She turned to lie on her back. “You're actually my best friend.”
“Well you're my best friend too...obviously.”
“I've never felt so comfortable with anyone.” She said, turning around to face him again; she was less embarrassed now, her voice becoming more excited. “I can be myself when I'm with you; my pretty odd self!” she laughed.
“You're odd?!” he chuckled. “You're talking to the wrong guy on that one!”
He paused for a second before speaking again, “You listen to my stories...you ask about my interests even though I know you don’t care!”
“Of course I care, why do you think I ask?” She sounded hurt.
“Ahah! I know you care but I mean they’re not your interests. In the same way I don’t have a particular aversion to baking or shopping....or knitting!” he sniggered. Karen punched him on the arm playfully. James was greatly amused when he found out that Karen’s biggest hobby was knitting.
“I lived on a farm! There was nothing else to do!” she said. It was too late; James had something embarrassing to lord over her forever.
“My point is that we’re not very well suited on the surface, but for some reason, we are meant to be!” he kissed the end of her nose. He could see, even in the dark, that she was crying.
“Don't cry, Kay...” he held her as she fell asleep, her head against his chest, listening to her love’s heartbeat.
4
The two students continued to be inseparable for the next two years. The two dropped Sociology; James majored in Law whilst Karen took an interest in Psychology. They helped each other with their studies and performed well in the term papers.
In early July, Lo Presti Park ran a series of outdoor movies and ‘Casablanca’ played one evening. The two lovers watched from their blanket. The warm night air and the slowly setting sun was the perfect romantic setting.
They embraced as Rick and Ilsa were reunited. Karen had never seen ‘Casablanca’ and she clung to James as the Nazis closed in on the love triangle and forced Rick to let the love of his life go. She cried as Rick and Louis walked off into the fog to rapturous applause from the park.
The couple were alone now beneath the clear night sky. Karen and James were sitting with a picnic; roast chicken salad and wine. They had just finished their finals. This midnight snack was another one of their adventures. This one was not just to celebrate the end of the academic year, but also school altogether. James had a few years left at Law School but normal college was over for both of them.
James asked Karen if she could grab him a beer from the cooler. When she did so, all she could find was a small red leather box.
“What’s that?!” he said, barely hiding his mock surprise.
Karen opened it to find a delicate band of gold with a small sparkling stone set in its center. She gasped and looked up at James who was smiling. He got up from his cross-legged position on the blanket. He stood on one knee. James took Karen’s hand in his own, placing the other hand over the top of hers.
“There is no way to describe what you have done for me. You connect with me in the most primal way possible. I can’t explain. You have made me more confident. You have allowed me to be myself with you; and you liked that person. I could find the ways you compliment me or the interests we share, the movies we both love, the jokes we both laugh at, but the best way to explain is in only the most basic, animalistic, spiritual way; you make me whole!
I am only half a man without you! Will you marry me, Karen?”
Karen had great long tracks of tears on her cheeks. She couldn’t speak. She didn't know if she was happy; it was still too much of a shock. The beauty of the moment was overwhelming.
“Yes!” she finally managed before kissing him. “I love you so much, James! You are the love of my life!”
That night the fiancés made love. It was like their first night together. It was careful and deliberate. They halted the wild abandon that usually took over and caged it for now. Tonight was special; a physical reunion as soft and meaningful as the spiritual one they felt.
The pair married in May 1969. They waited until James had graduated from Law School. They had talked of just tying the knot as soon as they could, but as long as they were together, they were happy. Once James knew he had passed, they set everything in motion. They had lived together for the four years he was still in school. Karen’s cooking and coffee runs complimented late night studying and working. She had taken the decision not to pursue a career in psychology, much to her family and friends’ annoyance. Karen had achieved what she wanted; she had attended college. She had now found a good man with whom she stood on equal ground. Karen had beaten her fear of repeating the mistakes of the past.
Karen and James shared a medium-sized apartment in the Beacon Bay area of Boston. Brimmer Street was close enough to the Common to satisfy Karen’s need for grass, fresh air and the wide-open spaces of her childhood. Their rent was supplemented by Karen’s waitressing at the local diner and James’ pay working at the Law library. James’ parents insisted upon helping. James’ family loved Karen; something that pleasantly surprised James. They thought she was an extremely intelligent and, obviously, beautiful girl. They, too, were annoyed that she wasn’t pursuing a career in psychology; something that only furthered the perceived disappointment and annoyance with James.
It was during this time, that Karen’s father passed away. As a small time farmer, he had worked every day of his life in the fields, finally suffering a heart attack as he fed the horses he loved so much.
As Karen stood at her father’s graveside, Gregory Dawson put his arm around her. “I'm very sorry, Karen...if you need anything, you’ll always have Rose and I.”
She burst into tears and buried her face in her future-father-in-law’s ample chest.
The pair had married the day after James’ graduation. They had not wanted a huge ceremony; the cost and requirement for people to get dressed up and travel, was something they did not want to impose on anyone. A judge married Karen and James in a simple affair at the town hall, with their parents the only witnesses. Family parades would come later. For now though, it was just the two of them.
After the ceremony was complete, hands were shaken and cheeks kissed. The newly married couple checked into a motel on the outskirts of Boston. The turnpike from Stockbridge to Boston was home to a quaint little place called the ‘Love’s Course Hotel’. It was barely a motel, let alone a hotel. The car park was only big enough for ten cars despite the twenty or so rooms, suggesting that the place wasn’t all that popular. The twosome couldn’t stop giggling at the check-in counter. The clerk wasn’t amused though. He stared back at them, his lip curled in disgusted annoyance.
“We just got hitched. Decided to pretend at one last night of illicitness!” James said winking.
The clerk looked at him blankly. He gave James the room key and walked into the back office, cursing everyone in the world, especially the ‘happy clappy assholes’.
James got a job with the public defender’s office. This was a hot topic
between the couple in the early years of the union. Karen was not greedy, nor did she expect to be living the life of a rich lawyer’s kept woman. She did, however, expect that her husband would do good in the world; ensuring bad men were put behind bars where they belonged, not freeing them with his well-reasoned arguments. It infuriated her when he would retort to her argument, instigating, “There are innocent men, you know?”
It was a simple reply but it could shut her down every time. She could say nothing without the risk of sounding judgemental and by extension, a bad person.
It was a job that was steady. It was also hard with long hours. James did not sleep much during that first year of placement. Karen’s pregnancy did not help this.
She had fallen pregnant after several months of marriage. It was not per se, an accident; they had not used contraception since getting married as they agreed there was no real reason anymore. The announcement however, that she was with child, stressed James out nevertheless. The pressure to maintain and further his career was now more important than ever. Karen and James had always been easy with one another. They were inseparable since that first day of college, but marriage was hard on both of them.
5
Marcus Dawson was born on the 1st of June 1970. He weighed in at 7lbs 5oz. It was an easy, quick birth. The fluidity of the procedure took aback the doctor.
“Less trauma for both mother and child; always a great outcome...” The doctor said in the delivery room. He couldn’t hide the concern on his face, or was it fear?
Was it really that unusual a birth? James thought.
Marcus’ early life was just as dramatic, if certainly more protracted. He was a sickly child; ear infections, chest infections; Marcus had James and Karen up for days. They rarely knew if their first born son would last the night.
When Marcus turned five, these health scares had become less frequent; a point of interest by the time of the Blackwater House purchase in the Spring of ’81. Marcus had not been sick in nearly three years; not even a cold.
With Marcus’ birth in 1970, James had a motivational burst of energy. He won his first case – a man accused of stabbing his wife to death. He had done it. It was obvious to James. James’ client was convinced that he wouldn’t be caught because he ‘was the victim’.
This professional victory led to more and more cases being assigned to him. Before long, he was one of the most sought after defense lawyers and firms were clamoring for his time. After two years of intense work with the public defender’s office, Wade & Wilson Attorneys offered James the most lucrative contract deal.
The money they were willing to pay him would allow the three Dawsons to move out of the now cramped Boston apartment.
This was the same apartment that James and Karen had lived in as a newly engaged and married couple. It was small but it was home to their happiest times. The two had spoken of the day they would need to move. When the day came they could, neither was quite ready. The doubts over this next step in their life together became an issue again; Karen’s discomfort with James’ career choice arose. She accused him of allowing greed to cloud his judgement.
The fight raged for several weeks, resumed at a moment’s notice, the two falling into the conversation as if they had never stopped. The moving date moved sluggishly closer.
The day of the Big Move produced no fights. It didn't even produce any conversations. The pair and young Marcus moved from Brimmer Street to the more lavish Mount Vernon Place. They only rented as the house was too expensive to buy outright, but on the wage that James would soon receive, they could buy it in no time.
They could have waited, but the freshly headhunted lawyer for Wade & Wilson had to have a home office that wasn’t also the bedroom he and his wife shared with their infant son.
James had promised that his hours spent in the office would be greatly reduced.
“I will be home for dinner every night!” he promised.
This wasn’t true. In fact, he was at home even less than before.
James would appear in the early hours of the morning, the smell of cigarettes and alcohol on him. He claimed the office dictated he socialize with his colleagues – a stronger personal relationship meant a stronger professional relationship.
Karen questioned herself why he had not felt the same applied to their marriage.
Monday through Sunday, the lawyer was reported to be ‘at the office’. The cases had mounted and James was insistent, at least in the early days, it required dedication so that their family could live the life they wanted.
“Time is money.” James huffed when Karen pressed on his absence from the large house in which she and Marcus were left alone.
Mason, New Hampshire and the Fellows family ranch too far away for Karen to visit home. She rarely saw her mother. When Karen’s mom died, the loneliness Karen felt, only lingered. She measured her days by the departure and arrival of her husband from the Mount Vernon mansion.
But as the days lengthened, and James resided less and less within the walls of their home, Karen realized something; the man she had fallen in love with was not the man to whom she was now married.
After three years working for Wade and Wilson, the deep friendship he and Karen had, had now long gone. They had scant contact and emotionless sex.
The couple, who had never needed a reason to make love, now appeared acquaintances, occasionally agreeing to meet for intercourse later that week. When they had physical contact, James was distant, preferring now to do it with the lights out. When James announced that he had been having an affair, it had not surprised Karen.
6
Karen learnt that she had fallen pregnant several weeks before this revelation. The night of conception was not particularly magical. It had been partially planned. Karen had said she wanted another child. Two children was something they had always spoken of, and now they were financially stable, it seemed an appropriate time.
Truth be told, Karen needed something to care for now that Marcus had started school, and James barely looked at her, never mind spoke to her.
That night simply ended up being the night they conceived Sophie. James got out of bed almost immediately and went downstairs. He did not re-emerge for fifteen minutes. Karen was sure she heard him talking to someone. She did not confront him at that time but waited to see if a confession would emerge as her pregnancy advanced. She did not have long to wait.
“I'm seeing someone else...” James said flatly.
Karen, having suspected as much, said nothing. She chewed the inside of her cheek, moving her gaze between James’ brazen blue eyes. She viewed their betrayal carefully.
“Who is she?” Karen finally asked.
James hesitated. He had not expected a calm woman. It scared him.
“Jayne...” he went to move, a reflex reaction, cowering from his wife’s imminent attack.
“Jayne?” she repeated. “Your secretary?” she pursed her lips, nodding.
James did not dare speak. He barely moved his head in agreement.
“Kinda clichéd, don’t you think?” Karen folded her arms across her chest.
“It wasn’t...” he didn't know what to say. He dropped his head.
“She isn’t married?”
“No, she’s only 21!” he said with a degree of thoughtlessness, raising his eyes to meet hers.
Karen raised her eyebrows, “You think that makes this alright?”
James’ eyes and head lowered again.
“Did you promise her you’d leave me and run away with her?” Karen still looked calm and the sarcastic tone of her voice had not changed.
“No!” James spoke adamantly. It was the first direct, clear thing he had said. “We agreed it wasn’t like that!”
“You're not planning on leaving me and the kids then?”
Karen sounded disappointed.
James had expected a huge fight; grand gestures and claims of divorce. Clothes and records thrown and broken; burnt even. Instead, he encountered
calm, collected, almost forewarned Karen.
The truth was that Karen had been forewarned. Of sorts. She had sought the advice of James’ mother when she first suspected her husband’s infidelity.
“Probably...” Rosemary Dawson said when Karen suggested the possibility of James’ affair.
Her mother-in-law’s response shocked Karen.
“How can you be so sure?” Karen wasn’t sure if she was being insulted.
“Like father, like son. Or maybe it’s just a lawyer thing. We shall see when Marcus is older.” Rosemary took a long elegant draw on her cigarillo. Her bony long fingers caressed the rolled sides of the packed tobacco. She opened the cigarillo case and proffered it to Karen.
“No thank you, I don’t.”
“Well, darling, I really think you should. It helps, believe me...”
Karen reached out to the still extended holder and took a neat, thinly rolled cigarette. She put it in her mouth.
Rosemary leaned forward and produced a box of matches. She removed one from the sleeve and struck it against the round underside of the flap. The phosphorus burst into life. The flame caught on the end of the cigarette. The paper turned red and smoke from rose its end. Karen breathed in. She expected to cough but she didn't. She sighed a huge stream of smoke out. It felt good. She felt good. Calmer. Clearer.
“James’ father had an affair?”
“Affairs!” Rosemary accentuated the ‘s’.
It shocked Karen. “But he seems so dedicated to you...was it when you were first married?”
“Yes...and no. He continues to have them.” She completed matter-of-factly.
Karen could say nothing.
Blackwater Page 2
