I gathered my roommate’s pills from the floor of the trunk and from the creases in the sheets, and I gathered myself. I was, I realized, laughing, and I wouldn’t stop for a long time that night. I laughed and I smiled as I packed up the trunk and the sheets and then started up the steps to the first floor of the dormitory.
And while it is possible to doubt or explain away so much of my first encounter with an angel, here is one absolute that I have never lost sight of and that has reinforced in my mind the concrete stolidity of this vision: My mother had never taught me how to French-braid my own hair. I had never done it myself. And I hadn’t had a French braid since at least two years before my mother had died.
THE FIRST DINNER that Stephen and I had together was a warm caponata salad in my loft: roasted eggplant and peppers and onions tossed on a bed of mesclun and served with perfectly round medallions of goat cheese. The man, it was clear, had usually eaten badly, both because he was single and because the parishioners who wanted to feed him were allergic to vegetables. While I was sautéing the eggplant in olive oil, he insisted on putting together a tray of hors d’oeuvres he had bought, and it was an angioplasty-inducing array of chips and cheeses and dips that seemed to belong in a frat house on Super Bowl Sunday. I didn’t really need it or want it, but it was very well intentioned. We drank a bottle of wine from Bordeaux that he had purchased on the walk around Manhattan we had taken that afternoon and that he said had always been a favorite vineyard of his father’s. I thought that was very sweet. Food is a gift and should be treated reverentially—romanced and ritualized and seasoned with memory. It was why I had wanted us to eat in rather than go to a restaurant or order something that someone else had made delivered to my home in greasy cardboard containers.
Stephen had arrived outside my apartment building around lunchtime that Saturday, and while he felt he was just dropping in out of the blue, I had suspected he would come. And yes, I had expected him that very day.
I almost told him that, but he would have thought I was mad—rather than merely eccentric, which I could see early on was the way he had pegged me. (He wasn’t the first.)
And I knew he was coming because I knew by then how much he needed me and I, in turn, needed him. I understood what my responsibilities were. I had known for almost a week, since I had arrived in Vermont. I was drawn to the Haywards’ story, but I was drawn as well to the newspaper photos of a young pastor whose eyes were themselves somber verse.
Certainly there were variables; there always are. I hadn’t planned on taking Stephen with me to Amanda’s home in the Adirondacks, I hadn’t anticipated introducing him to Norman’s wooden birds. But as I have matured, I have become increasingly comfortable with my place in God’s world and with my sense that I don’t have to understand everything—though, obviously, I am not perfect at this, and doubts find their way into my aura. I couldn’t save Stephen, as much as I wished that I could and wanted to try.
But that Saturday night when Stephen and I dined in my loft, eating by candlelight on the daybed with our plates in our laps, my mind was open and receptive to whatever was needed of me. I cannot always subsume my ego the way I know that I should, but that evening I did. I shouldered my wings and waited. For a month we were happy and in love. At least I was. I shouldn’t speak for him.
“HIT ME AGAIN, you drunken fool! Hit me again!”
Of all the things my parents hissed and screamed and snarled at each other over the years, it is the way my mother sneered those words at my father one Christmas Eve when Amanda and I were in elementary school that comes back to haunt me most often and compels me to pray to my angel for solace and peace. I was ten and Amanda was twelve, and neither of us believed any longer in Santa Claus. The four of us had been with friends of my parents’ for Christmas Eve, an annual gathering of four distant families that always involved massive amounts of drinking among the parents and desperately awkward silences among the children because we all went to different schools. Shortly after midnight my family left, and we were, as usual, the last to leave. In hindsight I have come to realize, my parents were always the last to leave because they were terrified of being alone together in that rambling house and especially in the confined space of the bedroom they were compelled to share.
Our drive home took about an hour, which was how long it would have taken if my father had traveled the two-lane roads at a steady, reasonable speed. Instead, however, as inevitably occurred when he was far too drunk to drive, he would creep along perhaps ten or fifteen miles below the posted speed limit and then accelerate wildly when my mother would say—her breath a nauseating and perhaps flammable blowtorch of Johnnie Walker scotch and Eve cigarettes—that he drove like a granny. A ninny. Or she would goad him on by telling him that she had to pee. And so he would accelerate. He would show her. He would drive like a wild man for the next three or four miles, the car careening across the double yellow line in the center of the black pavement or swerving off the shoulder so the side panels or the roof of the car would be brushed (or scratched) by the leafless tree branches. He would race at sixty and seventy miles an hour on those tortuous roads, decelerating abruptly only when he had narrowly avoided a collision with an oncoming car or he had navigated a turn with only the barest of clearances. That Christmas Eve we lost a hubcap from the right rear tire when he grazed a farmer’s old stone wall a good ten feet off the road—our white Cutlass Supreme traversing in a blink the frozen ground with its patches of rock-hard ice and snow—and I think only Amanda and I understood how close the call had been. (The next day it would be my grandmother, a guest at our house for Christmas, who would inform my parents that the hubcap was gone when she innocently asked them where it was. They were, as they were most Christmas days, enduring such excruciating hangovers that they didn’t even bother to venture outside to the driveway to take a look.) All the while Amanda prayed beside me in the backseat, her eyes squeezed shut and her lips silently moving. It has crossed my mind numerous times over the years that the only reason we survived that night was my sister’s terrified entreaties to either an angel or God.
When we got home, I presumed that the worst was over. Given my parents’ relationship, there was absolutely no reason to make that assumption. But I did. Amanda went directly to her room, and I went to the den to see if there was anything at all on television other than the Yule log: essentially a televised fireplace with Christmas carols in the background. My mother sat down with me on the couch and tried to wrap her arm around my shoulders, but that night I was resistant to her embraces. She tried to win me over with a remark about how only a year or two earlier I might have been putting out cookies for Santa and then racing upstairs to bed so I would be asleep when he arrived with his reindeer. But I was in no mood to try to add a patina to what had always been a childhood of Christmas Eves marked by my parents’ verbal and, on occasion, physical brawls. Quickly my mother sensed my frame of mind, and even though she was still very drunk, she left. She kissed me on the forehead and stumbled to her feet on shaky legs. She had kicked off her boots as soon as she had walked in the door, but even in her stocking feet she was having trouble negotiating the plush living-room carpet. And then, all alone, I clicked back and forth among the four or five television stations we had.
It was perhaps fifteen minutes later that my parents began to argue. I will never know precisely what triggered that one, but it really doesn’t matter. What matters is that soon after they started, I heard the sound of a great amount of glass shattering, and I knew it was the beveled mirror that was suspended by two oak arms above my mother’s dresser—a Victorian piece that I know now was well over one hundred years old. Then my father emerged from the bedroom and stomped toward the top of the stairs, where he paused for a moment at the balcony that ran perhaps fifteen feet along the corridor, his hands in fists at his sides as he surveyed the first floor. I gazed up at him, but our eyes never met and I wasn’t altogether sure that he had registered I was there on the living-room couch.
He was still in the clothes he had worn that evening, though his shirt was untucked and the top three or four buttons were open. His T-shirt was the color of a peach. His wonderful, creosote-black hair, which had been slicked back at the party, looked now as if he had teased it with spaghetti tongs.
My mother appeared behind him in only her panties and blouse, barefoot, and her own hair—a great flaxen mane—was also in disarray. Her lipstick was smeared like a clown’s, and her mascara was dripping in rivulets down the right side of her face. (It’s possible, I imagine, that it was running from her left eye as well, but I recall noticing at the time that for some reason only her right cheek was streaked with makeup.) She was sobbing and she was furious and she threw herself at him, pounding her fists into his back and shoulders with such force that it looked for a split second as if he would hurtle over the side of the balustrade and fall either one flight into the living room or—worse—a full two flights if he tumbled over the section of balcony that was above the stairs that linked the living room with the finished basement.
“Stop it!” he yelled, grabbing her fists in his hands. “Settle the fuck down! You nearly fucking killed me!”
“You stop it, just stop everything!” she screamed back, a demand that, as unreasonable as it was, might have accomplished its intent if she hadn’t added, “You are pathetic. You are just the most pathetic loser.”
“Pathetic? I’m not so fucking drunk I—”
“‘Fucking’? Why don’t you swear some more in front of your children? Why don’t you tell them what you just called me? Heather, do you want to know what your father just called me?” I hadn’t any idea how to respond to this appeal, and so I murmured—not loud enough for them to hear over the din of the television and their own verbal pyrotechnics—“Don’t fight. Please. Don’t fight.” In my mind I see myself curled up on the couch in the red Christmas skirt from Saks Fifth Avenue and the turtleneck dotted with silver snowflakes I had worn that evening, a throw pillow clutched in my arms as if it were a stuffed animal. I’m sure I was crying, too.
“You’re a drunk, you know that?” my father told her, and he released her fingers as if they were a fish he was tossing with two hands into a lake, his arms upraised when the movement was done. “You’re a fucking drunk and the poorest fucking excuse for a mother I’ve ever seen. You’re a shrew and—”
He never finished the sentence, because my mother, her hands newly freed, slapped him, and the stinging thwap was so loud that his ears must have been ringing. He brought his palm to his cheek and held it there for a moment. And then he slapped her back, so hard that she toppled backward and landed on the carpet near the top step of the stairway, one of her legs beneath her and the other splayed out as if she were a dancer trying and failing to perform a split. Her panties, I saw, were soaked through with her blood, and for a second I was terrified she was badly hurt. But then I remembered: My older sister had just started menstruating and our mother had hoped to demystify the notion of a monthly cycle for both of her girls by telling us that she, too, was in the midst of her period. That night she was so profoundly inebriated that when she had removed her tampon when we’d gotten home, she had forgotten to put in a fresh one.
“You’re drunk,” my father scolded her.
“You’re drunk!” she shouted back. “And you’re a drunk, too! You’re a wretched and feeble excuse for a man! Your own father knows it, your mother knows it, your daughters know it. They know. They know.”
She pushed off against the wall and stood to face him. “They know,” she mocked him one more time, and she glanced down at me for the merest of seconds. And so my father smacked her again, but this time she was prepared for the blow and remained on her feet, though her body fell hard against the wall, her head bouncing like a basketball off the Sheetrock and causing the small framed print of a rosebush near her to quiver.
“They know their mother’s a shrew!” he yelled. “That’s what they know! She’s a fucking, bleeding, harpy shrew who can’t even keep her goddamn underwear clean!”
She dropped her hands to her sides in a posture of absolute submissiveness and hissed, “Hit me again, you drunken fool! Hit me again.”
And so he did.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Initially Stephen didn’t tell me why the deputy state’s attorney or those state troopers from Vermont seemed to suspect him of some involvement in that tragic murder and suicide in his community. He had shared with me a very great deal about Alice our first days together in Manhattan, but somehow he had missed that one small detail that they’d been lovers. He had had many opportunities when it would have made sense to tell me, beginning with the day we met right up until the day that we left Statler—especially when we reached the highway on our way back to New York City and he discovered that his cell phone had a series of messages from the Vermont State Police. Weeks later his defense would be that I would have misconstrued what had happened in those months and who he was as a person. Likewise, he said, I wouldn’t understand what had really occurred that July night in Haverill and why it had ended so horribly.
The reality is that had he told me at any point in those first days we were together, I wouldn’t have felt the need later on to withdraw. He could have told me in Haverill, and he could have told me in Manhattan. He could have told me in the hours and hours we spent in the car driving to and from the Adirondacks. He could have told me on our hikes in the mountains or after we had made love in the woods, in those moments of postcoital intimacy when we shared so much of our personal histories. We spoke of so many of our lovers, I wouldn’t have minded. I would have understood. I had felt that the angels were with us those days.
I was, quite obviously, mistaken. I had allowed my mortal judgment to cloud my celestial instincts.
FOR YEARS I had worn a small gold cross around my neck. It really wasn’t much bigger than a thumbnail. It was a gift I had been given by my aunt when I was born, with the assumption that I would grow into it. When my mother finally shared it with me, I must have been seven, and I had little regard for it. It sat in the bottom of my elementary-school jewelry box, along with plastic hoops and clip-on seashell earrings and pretend pearl necklaces. And this was fine with my mother. The cross wasn’t costly, and the church played virtually no role in our household (which, looking back, might have been precisely why my aunt gave me that piece of jewelry).
Years later, when my parents were dead and I was sifting through the rubble that remained of my childhood, I found the cross and brought it with me to college. But I only started wearing it after my angel saved me from death in the dormitory basement. It was never in my mind an amulet, but its aura was numinous and its presence was comforting. I have been told that I touch it on occasion when I seem to be lost in thought.
An indication of how quickly and how deeply I was beguiled by Stephen is this: Of all the gifts I have been given by lovers over the years, the only time I replaced that cross around my neck was when Stephen gave me a gold chain with a gold angel. He found it in the estate case of a jewelry store in the Village when he was walking alone on the day before we would leave for my sister’s in Statler. It was an art nouveau design and perhaps twice as large as the cross—which meant it was still rather delicate. The angel was female and typically eroticized for the period. Her hair was a long and luscious waterfall, her breasts were exposed, and her wings had been tapered more for seduction than flight. She was absolutely beautiful, and it was clear that when she moved, she moved like a ballerina. She was gazing up at a pigeon’s blood ruby balanced at the end of her fingers.
It was a striking piece with an aura that was as alluring as it was inspiriting, and as long as Stephen and I were together, I wore it and cherished it. I have it even now. The fact that it was given to me by Stephen affects the associations but not the aura that was a part of the angel before she came into my life and will be an element of the angel when she is a part of someone else’s. I keep it because it reminds me both of the wonder
and the wistfulness of being bewitched. But I can’t bear to wear it.
IT SEEMED TO matter greatly to the state troopers from Vermont whose idea it had been to go to Statler the week after Stephen Drew had arrived at my home. I told them that I had been planning to visit Amanda for a while. The truth is that Amanda and I see each other at least every other month, either because I venture to Statler or she is in Manhattan meeting with galleries. I am confident that on one of these visits my angel will reach hers and my wounded but no less remarkable sister will begin to heal. Ah, but whose idea had it been for Stephen to come along with me, the troopers kept asking? I could see how pleased they were when I admitted that it had been Stephen’s. I had proffered the invitation, I said, but he had been hinting. He had been fascinated by Norman’s osprey when he’d been at my loft in Manhattan; he had wondered about how Amanda had handled the deaths of our parents. He had remarked on the beauty of the Adirondacks and how—despite his proximity—he rarely seemed to visit those rugged mountains. He even told me how he could go for a Michigan, a Plattsburgh, New York–based concoction consisting of a steamed hot dog on a steamed bun smothered in meat sauce and onions. And so I suggested that he join me, and he agreed without hesitation. He didn’t offer even token resistance, not a single “Oh, I couldn’t,” just to be polite.
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