by Mari Arden
The wind picks up, and the flames flicker, spilling into several directions. Someone will see the blaze and call the cops. Someone will know what I did tonight.
I don't move. My eyes are trained on the orange flames. They lick at everything around them, dancing in a sinuous way that only flames can, swaying and dipping. The blaze is mesmerizing, and the soil doesn't fight the fire. It welcomes the heat. It welcomes the smolder. It welcomes the burn.
For a moment, so do I.
CHAPTER 23
Pax's apartment is small, almost as small as my dorm room, but he's paying twice as much.
"It's a crappy deal," I whisper the thought out loud.
"My car's worse than crap now. It's shit on a stick with extra horse shit toppings and fucking mosquito's buzzing around." Pax's words don't make sense. They sound aggravated and angry. He sounds aggravated and angry. Pax walks over to a window, and shoves it up. Instantly, crowded city sounds are heard. Sirens. The pumping of a train. Cars honking. Loud laughter. "I can't fucking believe this," he mutters, staring into the distance. "Twice in two years. I've got the fucking worst luck."
He sounds so unlike him that I give a start after he's finished speaking.
"Got a cigarette?" he asks.
"You smoke?"
"No, but I need to start." He's not looking at me. "I've been dealing with all this shit- the accident, my parents' death, all of it- the way everyone's been wanting me to deal with it. I've done the counseling, poured my energy into worthwhile things, filled up my time until I'm too exhausted for nightmares… I've done everything I'm supposed to fucking do, and you know what? Tonight, I just want to smoke."
I've never seen Pax like this. I've never imagined it could happen. In that moment, I realize I've built him up so high in my head that he's ceased to be human. The anger emanating off him like smoke has finally opened my eyes to reality. Instantly, I'm reminded of that painting we drew together so many nights ago. He'd drawn curtains over parts of him. I thought that I'd seen all of him. Tonight another part of the curtain just opened for me.
"I'm sorry," I whisper, shaking my head. "I don't have any smokes."
Pax doesn't answer me. I don't expect him to. Silence stretches between us, a pregnant quiet filled with secrets and wrought emotions.
"Pax," I begin.
"Don't," he cuts me off.
I'm so surprised I step back.
He puts a hand through his hair, sighing. I blink back burning tears. I didn't once think to cry when we were in the car and fighting for our lives. I didn't even feel tears coming on. Pax says one word, and suddenly I'm becoming a blubbering mess. My fists clench at my sides.
"Come here, Jules."
I don't move. I don't want to hear what he has to say. Why did I trust him? Why did I trust myself that I could ever begin fresh?
"Come here, Jules," his voice is more forceful.
Why should I? An inner voice rebels. Why should I listen? As soon as I think it, the answer comes. Because you deserve it, the voice tells me. Because there are always consequences to actions.
My legs are wooden when I move, heavy and oak-like. It feels like forever before I reach his side, but it's still too soon for me. Pax doesn't acknowledge how close I am to him. It's almost as if he's forgotten I'm here, as if he's forgotten me.
"Jules."
I don't trust myself to speak. I don't trust myself not to shatter into a million pieces.
I close my eyes. I don't want to see his face when he says it. There is a long pause. I tremble, shivering from the warm night air. I detect the soft sounds of movement. I gasp as I feel fingers touching my forehead. It's the same spot where I'd hit my head. A hiss of pain releases from my lips.
"Does it hurt?"
I nod. "Only a little."
After a lengthy moment I feel Pax's arm come around me. He brings my body into his chest, squeezing me tightly against him. I'm shaking violently as I bury my face in his chest. Unbidden, emotions and images of what happened tonight flow through me. Pax holds my quaking form up. I'm shaking so hard my bones must be rattling against each other, but he only holds me tighter. He helps me stand because I can't by myself.
"Listen." Pax pauses, taking a breath. "I want to apologize about how I acted just now. Tonight is a lot to take in and it just reminded me so much of the accident when I lost my parents. It was so eerie, how everything was so similar." He squeezes me. "I was terrified I was going to lose you. I was terrified I was going to drive someone I love straight to their grave again."
Love. He'd said love. I close my eyes, sagging in relief. He smells beautiful. I clutch him tighter. Love, love, love. The word rings in my head like the most exquisite sounding chimes.
"I don't know what I would do if I lost another loved one so soon after…" his voice trails off and I hear him swallow. "I just can't. This is as strong as I am. I c-can't be any stronger."
"Pax." I hate how he sounds, as if he isn't the most wonderful and protective and strong man I know, as if he hadn't just saved my life. "You are amazing. What you've accomplished, what you've done, what you continue to do is the most remarkable and mind-blowing thing I've ever seen a person do," I whisper, clutching his face to mine. "You've just saved our lives, Pax. You're brave and thoughtful and-" my voice breaks. "You could've died and all you thought about was me." Pictures flicker of him putting his hand on me to get me down, thinking about me when he should've been thinking about himself.
My eyes are blurry, fogging his face. It doesn't matter though. I know every inch of him. He's the face in my dreams that fights my nightmares. He's the face I see every morning to keep me going.
Pax kisses me. It's another gentle kiss, mixed with tears and adrenaline and near hysteria. It's an exciting kiss, meant to comfort, but it only builds the emotions inside us deeper, greater. I moan into his mouth, and suddenly he's walking me back, clasping my face tightly with his big palms.
The kiss turns savage, animalistic. Pax grabs one of my legs from the floor and curls it around his waist. This forces my other foot onto my big toe, and for a moment I'm a ballerina in his arms. When we move again, I wrap my other leg around his waist, letting him carry me where he wants. I can't see where we're going, but it doesn't matter anymore. I trust him. I trust him so much I'm allowing him to lead as I cling on, tight and unflinching.
"Pax," I moan his name, hoping he understands what I want. He catches the sound in his throat just like I knew he would. He puts me against something hard- a wall- and continues to lure my mouth to his. His tongue traces my lips before slipping inside, and flickering over the most sensitive parts of my mouth. I do the same back, tracing the smooth contours of his lips and mouth. Pax doesn't taste sweet; he tastes raw and real and a thousand times better than the sweetest fruit.
I gasp when his lips leave mine to trail hot kisses over my cheeks and down my throat. He moves the thin straps of my dress aside and tongues my bare shoulders, sucking my bare skin until I cry out from the pain and pleasure of it. I move my hips restlessly against his. I feel his hardness between my thighs. I rub harder.
"Jules," he groans, lifting his head up. "We almost died. Are you trying to kill me again?"
I smile. I think he's the only one who can ever make me smile about this. I touch his face, locking my eyes with his. "Did you mean what you said? Earlier?" My breath hitches, and for a moment, I'm terrified I might have imagined everything he said. "Did you mean it when you said you… l-love me?" My voice is quieter than a whisper. I don't think he heard me, but his eyes are trained on my mouth and he watched me form the word.
The corners of his lips turn up. "The sirens and screeching tires seem to have affected my hearing." He scratches his ears. "Say it again?"
My eyes widen. Is he serious? I don't want to say it again. My heart's beating so fast, terrified he's going to break it when he was the one who put it together in the first place. We stare at each other. Please mean what you said, I think, searching his eyes. Please let it be rea
l…
Pax bends down and captures my lips again. The kiss is sugary and affectionate. It makes me hungry for more than kisses.
"Jules," he says against my lips, "I love you. I think I loved you the moment-"
I break away. "The moment you saw me roll down the hill?" I ask with breathless amusement.
"No. The moment you opened your legs and rode me."
My eyes widen, and even though my body's still flush from his, I pinch his neck. "That's just your hormones, you perv!"
He kisses me again. "Hormones are part of being in love."
I don't pinch him again because everything about this moment makes me happier than I've ever felt. "Let me stay tonight with you," I say quietly.
He stills, his lips still pressed to my cheek. He pulls back a fraction of an inch. "Jules, I don't know what happened back there, but just because I love you doesn't mean you need to-"
I put a finger to his lips. "Shh. That's not why." I trace his bottom lip. "I need you tonight, Pax." I don't know why my voice breaks. I only know that in that second I've never needed anything more than this. Maybe these feelings are raging stronger because of what happened tonight. Maybe my girlish heart is being swayed by Pax's declaration of love. It doesn't matter. All I know is I feel how right this is straight to my bones. This is the man who I want to take me for the first time. This is the man who is my one.
"Are you sure?"
I lift my mouth to his. "I've never been surer."
When his lips touch mine again, I use my teeth to nip his lower lip. The low growl from his throat urges me on and I do it again and again, moving my mouth to his neck.
"You're fucking amazing," he says.
"Fabusometastic?" I tease in a breathless whisper.
"Fabusometasticful." I lift an eyebrow. "Fabulous, awesome, fantastic and wonderful," he explains, groaning into my mouth.
I don't know why that touches me but it does. A warm tingling that has nothing to do with Pax's body spreads inside, opening like the wings of an eagle. "I love you," I tell him, suddenly remembering that I hadn't reciprocated the sentiment yet.
He smiles, lifting me from the wall and back into his chest. "I figured that. Now let's get to bed."
His voice is husky. It sends shivers of pleasure down my spine. When he puts me on the bed, I don't waste any time pulling him on top of me. I want to take his weight the way he's been taking mine. My fingers move across his back and soon his shirt is off. His hands touch my breasts and I arch, shoving more of myself into his palms. Slowly, I take his hands away and get on my knees. Without taking my eyes off him I slip my dress over my head. He sucks in a breath. I unclasp my bra, slowly sliding it off my chest. He's frozen, staring so intently at me that for a second I'm afraid he doesn't like what he sees.
"You're beautiful, Jules."
"You're beautiful too, Pax."
There are no more words that night, only touches, feelings and sensations. Pax kisses me the moment he enters me. It's the kiss I'll remember forever because it took away any pain I felt. That's what Pax does; he soothes the pain. He turns it into something better.
When Pax begins to move inside me I close my eyes, kissing his shoulder. I let his rhythm rock me. I let his hard breathing wash away all my fears. I let the slow pleasure take over me, pleasant like a hum. Soon the hum becomes a buzz, building deeper and louder. My breathing matches his. Sounds burst forth from my mouth with abandon.
The colors become brighter.
At the last second a rainbow erupts before my eyes. It's brighter and stronger than anything I've ever seen. I clutch Pax tightly. I don't open my eyes. I don't want the colors to disappear. They make me warm. They make me happy.
He makes me happy.
Afterwards, it is quiet. The silence is too perfect to be interrupted by loud breathing. I lay in his arms. I hear his heartbeat and I'm never more grateful to be alive.
The night is calm before the storm.
CHAPTER 24
Seven months earlier
He steps inside, the shadow in my nightmare.
He looks surprised for a moment, but then it fades as fast as it comes. "Hello, Julianna," he greets me pleasantly. He closes the door, but not before I see what's inside, not before I see everything.
I gasp, and my legs won't stay standing anymore. I crumble like a pile of ashes, falling to the floor without a sound. "What have you done?" I whisper.
His face is impassive, unmoving. "This is none of your concern, Julianna." He says the words as if we're talking about the weather, about the food inside Max's Diner. He's talking as if he's a god, and the problems of the mortals don't matter. "You shouldn't be here."
No, I shouldn't. No one should. I shake my head slowly, the movement almost painful to make because my body is frozen with dread. "What have you done?" I repeat again.
"I'm sorry it has come to this," he sighs, and it almost sounds believable. Almost. "You were always such a good girl. Always so obedient. I'm sorry you won't be able to leave tonight." He walks toward me. Braidon's face flashes inside my head.
Survival kicks in. "Please," I squeak. I lower my eyes in a submissive pose, flickering over his body.
"Julianna." His voice is deceptively gentle. "We can't remain ghosts if someone sees us, now can we?" He crouches, and his fingers are tight around my arms as he forces me up. I keep looking down. I am small. I am small. I am small.
"Look at me, Julianna." I flinch, but I lock my gaze with his. "I am sorry, chica, I really am." There's a glimmer in his eyes. It isn't sorrow. He reaches to his side to grab the gun attached there. His hands touch an empty holster.
The weapon is cool against my palm. My hands are shaking as I aim it into his stomach. He freezes when he feels the point of the gun. "Move back," I command. My voice wavers. It doesn't sound strong. I'm not strong. I'm desperate.
He looks surprised at what I've managed to do, but he does as I instruct, holding his hands up in a non-threatening gesture. He cocks an eyebrow. "Very smooth. You belong with us-"
"Don't," I break in angrily. Don't you dare.
He pauses, but he doesn't push more.
"I'm not what you are," I deny.
"Sometimes, we don't become what we expect."
"A monster?" I grate out.
The pleasant, almost nonchalant expression on his face hardens. "Drop the gun, Julianna."
I shake my head again. For a moment, I almost let the gun fall to the floor. For a moment, I contemplate forgetting what I saw. But then I see the truth in his eyes.
One of us will not survive this night.
I stand straighter, making up my mind. I'm a survivor.
There isn't time to hesitate.
I pull the trigger.
Instantly, I see red. It starts as a small circle, and then spreads like the ripples of a pond. He looks down at his body in disbelief.
"Juan Gonzales, you are a murderer," I whisper. My whole body quakes, but the gun is still pointed at him. "You killed my Grandma-" his eyes widen in surprise at this. Anger pulses through me, overriding my fear. "Yes, you held the gun that killed her. She was innocent. She didn't know anything about what you were doing! Nothing! You killed her because she happened to walk by and saw something she shouldn't have." The gun shakes with my anger, and for a second, I want to pull the trigger again. I want the red to fill my vision so I don't have to look at his face. "You're a criminal and a liar and a cheat-"
"If I'm a criminal, then so are you," he smiles at me, his mouth filled with blood. I flinch. "What have you been doing on the farms, if not doing a criminal's work?" he smirks. "You know what we do here. You know what we are."
"I'm nothing like you!" I spit.
"And yet you have helped us cultivate illegal drugs, packaged it for transfer across American and Canadian borders-"
"Don't-"
"-And shot me with a handgun." I stiffen. "Are you not a criminal, just like me, Julianna?" I back away. I hear voices outside. My heart starts to beat
as I look at him in horror. Is he right? Am I just like him? I'm not pure, but am I like him? I take another step back.
"You can run, but you can't hide Julianna. We are ghosts. We can go anywhere. We will find you," his lethal threat is a whisper. He's begun foaming at the mouth.
"You are not a ghost, Gonzales. You are not invincible." With those parting words, I run.
I don't turn back.
CHAPTER 25
I'm on my back.
He wakes me up with his mouth.
It feels like I'm on a cloud, drifting pleasantly along, and then something cool and delicious is poured over me. At first it's just a drop, and then slowly it spreads, going to secret places, building something hot and tingling.
I hear my moan. I feel the covers slip from my body until every inch of me is bared. Then he kisses me and suddenly the cloud is gone, replaced with something sexier.
"Mmmm," I make a sound as Pax bites my neck, reminding me of a vampire. "My own little Edward…"
"Little?" he snorts, backing up. "Why don't you look again?" He presses his hardness into my hand. Immediately, my fingers close around the length of him. "And who the hell is Edward?" he demands.
Boys. I hold back a giggle. "It's nothing. Just a sparkly vampire…" I kiss him before he can say more. His hands move over my body, and soon, the only thing I think about is Pax. Colors flicker in my head, and when Pax starts moving, I know that I'm going to see them burst. I sigh in anticipation, capturing his mouth with mine.
I'm still sore from the night before so when Pax touches me at my core, it's both pleasurable and painful at the same time. My thighs clamp around his hand. I moan into his mouth, spreading my fingers across his back. His eyes are questioning when he looks at me.
"Yes," I tell him.
"Are you sure? I don’t want to hurt you…"
I touch his face, forcing him closer to me. "You would never hurt me. Never."
Before he can respond, I kiss him, letting his scent and the feelings he coaxes from me override the lingering darkness in my head. This is what he does to me. He gives me colors where there is only a void.
