by Mari Arden
I lean in close and whisper.
I watch his face lose all color.
CHAPTER 28
The nights are the worst.
Sometimes I wake up in a cold sweat, my heart racing, images flickering in my head like a movie: Grandma's lifeless body, Braidon's determined face, Gonzales's cold, calculating eyes. The nightmares that had, for the most part, stopped months ago, are reappearing, snippets of my life that I relive over and over again.
The days aren't much better.
Sometimes I feel someone's eyes on me. It's a prickle of awareness down my spine, and every hair on my body stands on end. I expect to see shadows or brown eyes that glitter in the sunlight. When I turn around, I see none of that. I see nothing, not even a single leaf amiss.
It's not paranoia. He's here. I saw him with my own eyes.
He's not leaving without me.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm close to having a nervous breakdown. Pax does what he can to help me relax. The only thing my anxiety doesn't seem to affect is our sex life. That part's great. In fact, making love even helps with my nightmares. But we can't have sex all day every day. Although, Pax certainly tries.
"What's so funny?" he asks, breaking into my thoughts. "You're smiling."
"Nothing."
"No, tell me," he insists. "What's so funny?"
"Only that you must be the horniest Homosapien on the planet."
His chest puffs out. "You think?" I roll my eyes. "I'm sure there's something like that in the Guinness World Record. How would I get that title though? Maybe how long I can sustain a boner," he wonders out loud. "Or maybe how many times I can have sex in a certain time? Maybe it's how many women that find me attractive? Or maybe it's how many women I can make wet?" he continues to contemplate. "Or how many I can make come? Or-"
"You're putting way too much effort into thinking about this."
"Come on now," he nudges my shoulder with his. His hands don't leave the steering wheel. "Wouldn't you feel proud if I was named horniest man on the planet?"
I shoot him a crazed look. "No."
"Oh."
I shake my head. Men. There's silence as we drive the rest of the way there. Ever since the incident with Braidon, we've been more careful on the road, talking less and watching more.
When we reach our destination, Pax pulls into a parking ramp. He puts the gear in park and stops the engine.
"Nervous?" I ask him with a smile. I already know the answer though. Boy Wonder doesn't get nervous.
"Nope," he answers.
"Most people would."
"I'm not most people."
I swat him on the shoulder. "Jeez, how conceited can you be?"
He laughs. "What? I just don’t get nervous about stuff like this. Try falling flat on your face in front of national television and thousands of cheering fans. This is nothing compared to that."
"It's Heart of Love though," I argue. "I know how much you care and how hard you've worked for this."
Pax helped put together the fundraiser tonight. Right away after finals he and Cade have been at Maddie's almost every day of the week. Alex told me Pax specifically requested me. When I asked him about it, Pax told me I help him see his vision more clearly. His answer made my heart do little flips so I continued to serve them every day even though I felt Alaina's rage like a lash.
The fundraiser is held in a country club. Today there's sunshine and the weather is warm enough to wear just a light jacket. Dead brown leaves peak out underneath a thin layer of snow, reminding us that fall just passed, and winter is only beginning. We get out of the car and Pax takes my hand in his, rubbing each as if to warm it. I should tell him I'm not cold, but I love it when he does sweet gestures like this. I stop moving, watching him lightly rub my hand between two of his.
"You okay?" he asks.
I know he's asking more than whether I'm cold or not. Instantly, I see Braidon's face. I recall the snarl of anger evident in his eyes. Then I'm drawn further back. I remember blood. Blood everywhere. "Yes," I lie, shuddering.
"You're trembling."
"It's cold."
Pax pulls me into him, his hands rubbing my back. Despite everything it sends shivers of pleasure through me. His breath is warm on my cheek. "You'll be okay. Everything will be over soon."
I give a small nod. Bill called yesterday. He'd contacted the FBI. They were sending agents over, but in the meanwhile, Bill needed information from me: a map of the location, entry and exit points, how many people were in the compound, names of people, etc. Thinking about what I'll have to relive makes me anxious again, and Pax promises to slip me some wine to help calm my anxiety.
We enter the country club and it's as if we've entered a different world. Every person including the doorman is dressed to the nines, donning gloves and even a cravat. The theme is Hollywood glamour and it comes complete with a red carpet, cameras and several news stations. The walkway is huge with a vaulted ceiling decorated with glittering fake diamonds and a gigantic chandelier that could double as a spaceship for little green aliens.
"Wow," I whisper to Pax. I'm wearing the black dress that he bought me earlier even though he's offered several times to buy me a new one for the occasion. I don't budge though. I feel beautiful in this dress and what's the point of buying another one? Chances are I'd only wear it once and never wear it again.
When we enter I observe right away that Pax is treated like a celebrity with people asking for autographs, taking pictures and clamoring for attention. Both men and women squeeze between us, itching to get closer to him. Pax is a gentleman. He's polite to everyone, but he holds my hands tight and refuses to let me go anywhere other than next to him. Some part of me knows he's still worried about the threat of Braidon, but another part of me is hopeful that he likes having me nearby, that maybe he enjoys my body next to his. I certainly enjoy his body next to mine.
Within minutes of being there, a beautiful woman with blood red lips asks how much I paid to the charity in order to be his date. She thinks he'd been auctioned off and offered me double what I paid to have him for the rest of the night. Pax's mouth quirks in amusement at her assumption, but I feel a little sick to my stomach. This is the first public event Pax has taken me to and people are thinking I bought my time with him? My embarrassment is enough to make me want to leave.
Pax, however, has other ideas. He kisses me soundly on the mouth, declaring me the most beautiful date in the world. It's dramatic, a blatant lie, and completely un-Pax like, but I get the impression some of the women here need that. They don't understand subtlety even if it flies into their perfectly sprayed hair and makes a nest there. I try not to smile as the image flickers in my head.
"Reid," Mrs. Aberthy's low feminine voice alerts us to her presence. "So glad to see you again."
"Mrs. Aberthy." Pax greets, hugging her.
"Did you like your little surprise?" she winks, referring to the movie. She steps back to gaze at his face.
He smiles so perfectly that I catch my breath. "Yes. It was a great surprise."
"We meant every word of it."
"You all almost made me blush."
"Almost? What would it take to make you blush, m'boy?" Mrs. Patterson's low cackle drifts into our ears.
"Well, ma'am, if anyone were to figure it out, I know it'd probably be you."
The mild flirting should be disgusting, but Pax delivers it with just the right touch of amusement and respect that it works for him and doesn't cause the rest of us to want to barf.
"Oh, hush you Casanova!" Her eyes are glittering with approval. "Mark my words, if I wasn't older than your grandmother we'd be somewhere else right now instead of in this stuffy room with even stuffier people." She probably thinks she's whispering, but her voice carries through and several people shoot looks in our direction.
"Mrs. Patterson, keep your voice down!" Mrs. Aberthy whispers, looking mortified. "These stuffy people are bent on giving us money and if you continue to insult them this e
vent will be for nothing," Mrs. Aberthy mutters from the corner of her lips. She laughs loudly after to cover up anything someone might hear.
Mrs. Patterson rolls her eyes. "I call it how it is, dearie. People are so stuffy at fundraisers. We're advocating life here not a damn funeral. Live a little! Get drunk! Spend money!" She waves her arms crazily in the air. I can't help but smile. I can see how she's sustained the organization for so long.
Mrs. Aberthy shakes her head, looking around nervously. "Come," she says, taking Pax by the elbow. "You need to take a picture with our beautiful spokesmodel. It's good for public relations," she explains. It sounds to me like she just wants Pax to get away from an entirely too honest Mrs. Patterson.
Pax shoots me an apologetic glance. "Jules will come with me-"
"No," I interrupt when I see Mrs. Aberthy start to frown. "It's okay. Really I can stay here with Mrs. Patterson." It doesn't sound like a bad deal. She reminds me a little bit of Grandma with her unapologetic ways. I smile, nodding toward the noisy clicks of cameras. "You need to go take pictures, Pax. They're here to see you."
"And hopefully after they've seen you, they'll be more willing to open their pockets for us," Mrs. Aberthy reminds him when she sees his gaze stay intently on me. In that moment I know Pax would opt out if I asked him to; it's in his eyes, in the way his mouth curves down ever so slightly in a scowl. It's also in that moment that my heart skips, reminding me just how hard I'm falling for this incredible man.
"Go," I tell Pax, touching his cheek with my hand. "Go use that gorgeous Paxton beauty for good," I attempt to tease him.
He steps closer, murmuring, "Right now it's for good, but later tonight there will be many naughty things happening." His sultry words send a shiver of anticipation down my spine, and if the building wasn't air-conditioned, I might have fainted right there. The sweltering promise in his eyes briefly distinguishes any disappointment I might be feeling, and I watch him walk away with a dazed smile on my lips.
"Young lady, that one is a keeper," Mrs. Patterson comments.
Don't I know it.
Instantly, the crowd envelops Pax as he makes his way to the podium. His tall muscular form is confident as he takes the steps two at a time. People are waiting there for him and he shakes a man's hand before kissing the cheeks of an older woman. Then another woman steps forward, and I can't see anything anymore. Pax's towering form blocks her petite one. Someone steps in front of me and my view of the podium is obstructed. I crane my head, but it's no use. I think about moving, but the floor is so packed my small form would be pushed out of the crowd in moments.
Suddenly, there's an eruption of cheers. It's a mixture of applause and excited voices. It sounds like something's happening. The clicks from the camera grow louder confirming my suspicions. Someone whistles from behind me.
A feminine voice sighs," What I wouldn't give to be her."
I freeze. What is she talking about? Some primal female instinct is warning me away. My whole body seems to have turned into glass. If someone bumped into me now I might fall, or maybe shatter with all the heaviness my body suddenly feels. I will the man in front of me to move away. I will his knees to touch the ground. I will his head to become white, invisible and threadbare.
The crowd yells louder. "Harder," a drunken male voice calls out. "Do it harder!"
The man in front moves away.
I can't shake my gaze. My eyes are burning the sight into my head. I want to cry. I want to shout. I want to break something into a million pieces.
But I don't do any of that.
I watch Pax continue to kiss Alaina.
I watch her wrap herself around him. I watch him let her.
This is her revenge.
CHAPTER 29
I'm a tornado of feelings.
Anger. Jealousy. Hurt. Betrayal.
I even feel a glimmer of hope that what I saw wasn't real.
But I hear the crowd. I see the smiles.
I see people taking out their checkbooks.
Pax and Alaina are the two most gorgeous people anyone's ever seen. They're together. Kissing. It's a fairytale. It makes you believe in beauty and young love, and the man who overcame tragedy to find his princess. It's beautiful.
And it'll cost you a hundred bucks.
This isn't real, I try to tell myself. He's doing this for money. Just like he let me ride him for money? A snide voice inside comments. I blink furiously at the stinging in my eyes. I'm angry with myself for caring. I'm angry I came.
I'm angry that Alaina looks perfect next to Pax.
Without thinking I whip around.
"Dearie!" I hear Mrs. Patterson call for me. "Stop! Come back!"
I'm not sure what I'm doing or even where I'm going. I'm humiliated. The whole room saw Pax and I arrive together. Now the whole room is looking at Alaina and Pax. Kissing. Suddenly, it's hard to breathe. Suddenly, the lights and the cameras and the exquisitely dressed people are too confining.
My short heels are easy to walk in and I reach the enormous double doors within moments of fleeing. It's an exit. Perfect. The door closes loudly from behind as I run out, not caring if people see me leave. Maybe there's a reasonable explanation, but at this moment I don't care. He's kissing my enemy. I've never thought of Alaina like that before, but at this second, that's what she is to me: an enemy. And she wants Pax.
How does she know him? Why did he let this happen? Why does she hate me? The questions swirl in my head, each one louder than the next. The stinging in my eyes manifest into tears and my cheeks are wet with them.
There's this thick dense ache inside. When Grandma died I felt hollow, void of anything. Right now, I feel anything but empty. I feel rage and jealousy and confusion, and all three whirl inside, squeezed to feel every part of my heart. It's such as small organ compared to the rest of me, but at this moment it's all I feel. I don't register my legs walking across the parking lot. I don't register the noise around me. I don't register the cold air that suddenly picks up as if something is following me.
All I see is Pax and Alaina.
All I feel is anguish.
All I sense is my own heart beating faster with my emotions.
This must be karma, I think. I've only ever thought of Grandma and myself. When she died, my thoughts centered on myself, on doing things that would ensure my survival: how to seek justice for her, how to use Braidon's obsession for my cause, how to get out of Minnesota, how to survive when I did. I've been selfish. I am selfish.
Karma's a bitch.
"Jules!" I hear heavy footsteps pounding on the pavement. "Wait!" His voice is grating to my ears, physically hurting me. Don't turn around, I tell myself. Don't turn around! I quicken my steps. I don't want to hear what he has to say. Nothing can justify what I saw. Nothing.
Pax grabs me, clasping my elbow and whips me around. "Jules! What are you doing? You shouldn't be out here alone. It isn't safe-"
"Safe?" I hiss. I can't remember ever being so angry. "You kiss her, and now you're worried about me? It doesn't work that way." I shake my head.
"Listen," he pleads. "What you saw, it wasn't real. She-"
"Oh, it was real all right," I snap, the image of them kissing swimming around in my head like a whirlpool.
"I didn't know it was coming. She-" Abruptly, he stops.
"She what?" I shrug his hand off, watching his face. "She forced you? Because we both know that's a lie, Pax. No woman can force a two hundred pound man of pure muscle to do anything."
He opens his mouth, but no sounds come out. I feel my heart shattering, each piece breaking off slowly and painfully. I shouldn't have trusted him, I realize as tears prick my eyes. I'd hoped he was different, thought he was different. He'd pursue me so diligently, lulling me into believing that what we had was real. He seemed too perfect to be true. That should've been a red flag. I did this to myself, I think sadly. I didn't want to be alone anymore and I let him in. I gave him the power to hurt me.
I take a step bac
k, my fists clenched to my sides. "You've met Alaina before Pax. You know her. What is she to you?" My voice is hollow. I don’t want to hear the answer, but I need to know. I need it like water.
Pax's hands are at his sides. He looks afraid to touch me. "She's nothing."
"Wrong!" I shout. "She isn't 'nothing'! Don't lie to me. What is she to you?"
"Nothing!" he yells back. He looks angry and frustrated. The stress from my situation and the lack of sleep is catching up to him, too. I suddenly notice the bags under his eyes. Have they been there all along?
"Fucking liar!" I scream, wanting so badly to hit him, to hurt him the way he's hurting me inside.
"I'm not lying!" He insists. He clenches his jaw angrily. He's trying to calm himself down. I can't let it happen. I can't let him control himself enough to think of the right words to say to me, to make me believe in him again.
"Is she your mistress?" I accuse, stepping forward. "Your slut? Your plaything? Do you two laugh about me at night? How I fell so easily for your charm?" I snarl. Another idea pops into my head. "Or is she a victim like me? Did you play her, too? See how many girls you can get in the sack in a semester? You fucking dog!" I yell, unable to control a single tear that slips from my eye.
Pax looks like I've slapped him. Good. I want him to hurt. "You've got it all wrong, Jules. I-"
"The only thing I want from you is the truth. What is she to you?" I demand, emphasizing each word with a forward step. Pax stumbles back, a dazed look on his face as if he can't believe this is really happening. I stare into his eyes, refusing to let him tear his gaze away.
There are several moments of silence before he answers. "She’s my ex-girlfriend," he answers quietly. My heart clenches. Maybe a part of me always knew, but hearing him say it aloud was more hurtful than I'd ever imagined. "She was the girl who saw my parents and me on the road. She called 911. She walked over to us, held my hand, and waited with me until the paramedics arrived. She saved my life, Jules," he confesses softly, his eyes shining with pain. "She introduced me to Hearts of Love. She helped me get better. I had trouble walking in the beginning. She visited every day, helped me when I fell, fed me when I refused to eat. It was a dark time for me. And she," he swallowed. "She wanted to be the light."
