I Put a Spell on You

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by Adam Selzer


  IT’S COOL TO STAY IN SCHOOL

  To the tune of “America the Beautiful”

  My friends all told me I’d be cool

  If I were getting high

  I listened and I’m lucky that

  I’m even still alive

  I thought I’d be an engineer

  And sometimes it seems strange

  I ended up here on the streets

  Just asking for some change!

  Chorus

  Now I’m a homeless junkie and

  I live on crumbs and gruel

  ’Cause no one ever told me that

  It’s cool to stay in school.

  My shoes are just old boxes and

  My hat’s a paper bag

  I’d tell you just how bad I smell

  But I don’t like to brag!

  There’s something growing on my toes

  My nostrils really burn

  But how to deal with things like that

  I had no chance to learn

  For I’m a homeless junkie and

  I’m dumber than a mule

  ’Cause no one ever told me that

  It’s cool to stay in school!

  MY AUNT JUDITH SMOKES

  My aunt Judith smokes, in fact it’s all she ever does

  My mom says she’s a bum, and that’s all she ever was

  She watches bad TV all day, and smokes pack after pack

  I went to her house one time, and I’m not going back

  My aunt Judith could kill you with her breath

  One of these days, she’s gonna smoke herself to death

  Her teeth are always yellow, her fingers always stained

  Her voice sounds like a duck that’s in an awful lot of pain

  When she says, “Hey, sis, loan me ten bucks” (you see, she’s always broke)

  She can’t afford to buy much food, it costs too much to smoke

  My aunt Judith could kill you with her breath

  One of these days, she’s gonna smoke herself to death

  Last night Aunt Judith went to bed when she was tired

  Her cigarette caught on the bed and set the place on fire

  But even at the end, she just had to smoke some more

  The firemen said that smoke was rising up from every pore!

  My aunt Judith has breathed her last breath

  I always knew that one day, she’d smoke herself to death!

  GET HIGH ON SELF-ESTEEM

  I don’t think there’s anything

  I can’t do anymore

  I’ve been snorting self-esteem

  Behind the corner store

  Catchy Choreutic Section

  You don’t need to hallucinate, you only need to dream

  All you have to do is get high on self-esteem

  When I get full of self-esteem

  I feel like such a star

  The paparazzi take my picture

  While I’m in my car

  Chorus

  SELF! ESTEEM! SELF! ESTEEM!*1

  When I think of my future

  It’s all peaches and cream

  But I might have to go to rehab

  ’Cause I’m high on self-esteem!

  Chorus

  IF Y’ALL WANNA JOIN A GANG, JOIN THE

  GOOD TIMES GANG!

  Awwwww yeah!

  You might’ve seen singing groups here before

  But you aren’t gonna wanna see ’em back anymore

  Now that I’ve been here, boppin’ with my crew

  We’re the Good Times Gang, and we want you!

  Everybody knows that we’re the best gang around

  And as for all the other singing groups in town

  We’ll take ’em all down, they better not be messin’

  With our positive message and our upbeat lessons!

  If y’all wanna join a gang, join the Good Times Gang!

  If y’all wanna join a gang, join the Good Times Gang!

  We pack number two pencils, sharp enough to sting

  We have stories to share and songs to sing

  So word to your teachers, put your hands in the air

  And wave ’em around like you really do care

  About being entertained, and learning, too

  I know it all sounds too good to be true

  But we can do both, with a dose of hysteria

  So forget the other gangs in the tricounty area—

  If y’all wanna join a gang, join the Good Times Gang!

  If y’all wanna join a gang, join the Good Times Gang!

  THE BALLAD OF HARLAN STURR*2

  To the Tune of “The Battle Hymn of the Republic”

  (“Glory, Glory Hallelujah”)

  “Is everybody ready?” asked the teacher, looking round.

  Our hero bravely answered yes and then he heard the sound

  Of all the students marching to the risers on the floor.

  It was the all-school bee!

  Chorus

  Glory, glory to the class clown! Glory, glory to the class clown!

  Glory, glory to the class clown—the teachers fear his name!

  The spelling bee had finally come, he took his place in line.

  He wasn’t there to win—no, he had something else in mind.

  An act to make the kids remember him forevermore

  There at the all-school bee!

  Chorus

  He spelled his way correctly through rounds number four and five.

  They got down to the final few, but he was still alive.

  His time had come to strike, he laughed about what was in store

  There at the all-school bee!

  Chorus

  He stepped up to the mike—the time had come to do or die.

  He thought of every test he’d failed, about the grades gone by,

  Then belched into the microphone; the room shook to its core

  There at the all-school bee!

  Chorus

  The students all were cheering, clapping hands and stomping shoes.

  His comrades all were heard to shout, “A heckuva way to lose!”

  But he spelled the word correctly—what a suitable encore

  For any all-school bee!

  Chorus

  Thanks to the lovely Ronni, whose support made this happen. Thanks also to Nadia, my fantastic agent, and to Stephanie, Kenny, Eleanor, and everyone at Delacorte Press.

  And to Richard Nixon, for being so hilarious.

  ADAM SELZER grew up in the suburbs of Des Moines and now lives in downtown Chicago, where he can write in a different coffee shop every day without leaving his neighborhood. Besides working as a tour guide and assistant ghost-buster (really), he moonlights as a rock star.

  He is also the author of How to Get Suspended and Influence People and Pirates of the Retail Wasteland. Check him out at www.adamselzer.com.

  Also by Adam Selzer

  How to Get Suspended and Influence People

  Pirates of the Retail Wasteland

  FOOTNOTES

  *1This “call and response” section can last anywhere from thirty seconds to several minutes, depending on how much time the group needs to kill.

  Return to text.

  *2While some teachers expressed concern that this song did not contain a “positive message,” it quickly became the Good Times Gang’s most popular number.

  Return to text.

  Published by Delacorte Press an imprint of Random House Children’s Books a division of Random House, Inc.

  New York

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

  Copyright © 2008 by Adam Selzer

  All rights reserved.

  Delacorte Press and colophon are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.

  Visit us on the Web!

  www.randomho
use.com/kids

  Educators and librarians, for a variety of teaching tools, visit us at

  www.randomhouse.com/teachers

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available upon request.

  Random House Children’s Books supports the First Amendment and celebrates the right to read.

  eISBN: 978-0-375-89125-0

  v3.0

 

 

 


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