by Ayles, Abby
Cora sighed and set aside her book. “My sweet little one. I am quite happy for you. Although I must admit seeing your blissful faces does make my gut ache something fierce. So long as you do not flaunt it in my face overmuch, I see no reason to be anything but pleased for you. It is much better that you learn these things now, and snatch happiness where you can.”
Happiness? Regina did not think this to be quite so much as happiness—was it? Certainly she felt contented. She felt blissful, her body sighing with the echoes of great pleasure. And she was most comfortable on Harrison’s arm, at Harrison’s side.
Was this happiness? And if so, was she so unused to feeling it that she could not properly recognize it when it hit her? The thought startled her.
“Cora does raise one good point,” Harrison admitted. “We must turn to the cards. You are getting to be quite reliable in your talents, my Puck. Shall we?”
Regina nodded. Yes. To the cards.
They played again and again. Regina, her fears temporarily put aside by Harrison’s reassurances in their relationship, was able to concentrate better than she had the last few days.
She entered a kind of zone, so to speak. It was like she was thinking, but not as hard as she had been. Or it was just as hard, but she didn’t feel it. It was like she was coasting, almost, in her mind.
“It happens when you go riding for a long time as well,” Harrison told her when she explained it to him. “When your body or mind is doing something for a great length of time, it begins to sort of enter this state where it’s continuing to do it but without expending as much energy. It’s strange but also a little addicting, isn’t it?”
It was. Regina could understand why people went riding for so many hours. She had always imagined that it must be quite bothersome, getting knocked around on a horse and earning large bruises. But if they were entering the kind of state that she was, in their own way, then she could hardly blame them.
The next few days were very focused. Harrison and Cora let her be the dealer more and more often. In time her hands were able to go through the motions of shuffling and dealing without her looking at the cards as she did it.
She was winning more and more often, and it was getting harder for Thomas to beat her. She could see him struggling, even while Cora laughed at the both of them for their intensity and competitiveness.
“You two are a pair,” she would declare. “Both of you stubborn as mules and refusing to back down. If this were an actual game you’d have both staked your entire fortunes and your first born children by now.”
It was a joke, of course, but it struck Regina through the heart. Was this how her father was? Was she becoming a gambling addict as he was?
She brought it up to Thomas one night, after they had finished and she was preparing to be escorted home.
“You seem thoughtful, my Puck,” he noted as he put away the cards. “Is something amiss?”
Regina sighed. “It is merely that I worry that I am turning into my father. The way that Cora describes us—how competitive we are with one another—and how determined I am to win. The way I love… I am ashamed, I admit, of the way that I love how my mind gets when we are deep in a game. I fear that is how my father is and that after this game, I still will not be able to stop playing. That I will bring my family to disgrace and ruin, as he did.”
Harrison sat down next to her. “Miss Regina Hartfield. Listen to me. You are becoming good at something. I think, perhaps, that this is the first thing that you have truly worked for in the company of others where you can show off your skill. Is that true?”
Regina nodded.
“Then it is only natural that you should be a bit competitive. If you were used to doing activities with others, such as riding, I think it would not strike you so hard to be the best. When we are deprived of something, such as praise or recognition, to finally see the chance to obtain it is tempting indeed.
“But do you think of the cards as you lie in bed? Do you wake up with only one longing in your chest: to play again?”
Regina shook her head. It was only when she was in the middle of playing that she felt that strong determination to win. In those moments it was as if someone had wrapped a string around her stomach and pulled, and she was compelled to follow that string.
But the rest of the day? No. She was easily distracted, by Cora and Aunt Jane and letters from her sisters and so on. Thomas himself was most distracting as well.
She shook her head again, for emphasis.
“Tell me, then, what you think of when you sit down to play.”
Regina thought about that. “I think of my family,” she admitted at last. “It feels foolish to say, I know. But that is what I think on. I remember that this is the only way to save them. I remind myself that I must be the best, and if I do not best you, how can I hope to best Lord Pettifer?”
Harrison nodded. “That is good. That is as it should be. If you thought only of how you enjoyed playing and how you wanted to win, then I should be concerned. But your goal is still firm in hand and your senses are about you.
“It’s all right, you know, to enjoy this a bit. I should hope that learning how to play hasn’t been a trial for you and that you should find some joy in it. If you were miserable every game, I would feel quite awful, I must admit.
“But you do not have to worry. I have been watching you, as I must, to help you to improve. I have seen no sign of addiction about you. And why should I? There is no hole in your life that you are trying to fill.”
“It seems that there is,” Regina admitted. She could feel her cheeks burning with shame as she spoke, revealing herself in such a way. How Harrison had the ability to make her feel so young and small and stupid, she didn’t know.
“I feel as though my entire life has been empty up until now, and that in some ways it is still empty, and that once this is over it will be empty all over again. Only it will be more painful this time, because I will know more of myself.
“I will know that I have been clever, and accomplished, and useful. Even if it was with something that I am not supposed to know of, even if it is something I cannot share with others. Even though I can never tell my family of what I did. I know. That is what matters.
“But after I defeat Lord Pettifer, if I defeat him, then it’s gone. And I don’t know what I shall do after that. My sisters will marry soon, even after this dark cloud is lifted. They all wish to marry and of course they must. And then it will only be me.
“I know that no man will have me. And so there is nothing for me. I have no friends.”
“You have my friends,” Harrison cut in. “They are your friends now as well. They all like you. Cora certainly likes you. I believe that she views you as a younger sister such as she never had.”
Regina blinked rapidly to hide her tears. It had not occurred to her that Cora or any of Harrison’s other friends would wish to continue to see her. But of course…
“You will forgive my impudence, but I feel compelled to remind you that your friends are not always the sort that are welcome in everyone’s homes.”
“That is true,” Harrison allowed, “But they are always welcome in mine. And you are welcome in mine as well, and must be, for when I marry your sister I know she will hardly bear to be parted from you for any length of time.”
“I confess that I feel I have grown somewhat in her absence,” Regina replied.
“That is natural. She is as a mother to you. All children must grow a little away from their parents.”
Regina thought of some of the things that Cora had said. She wondered if perhaps even Bridget didn’t see all that Regina was and could be. Perhaps her sister, in her love, had coddled Regina just a little bit.
“Well, then, I shall have you and your friends,” Regina said. “Although of course I must share you with Bridget.”
“Of course.”
Regina ignored the sudden pang in her heart at the thought. Thomas was never hers, not truly. How could she
be sad to lose him, or share him, rather?
Their card games and their time with one another could not continue after things returned to normal and Bridget married him. It was foolish to think so.
But oh, she would miss it. She would miss having Harrison’s full attention. No. Lord Harrison. She must remember to think of him that way again. She must put distance between them, even if it was only in her head.
She would miss knowing that he was taking time out of his day simply to be with her. She would miss having his gaze upon her, looking at her like she was the only person in the room—in the whole world.
She shook herself out of such thoughts. Thomas was only behaving this way because it would get him Bridget. Regina knew that he cared for her, of course. He would not be so kind to her if he did not. But to think he looked at her as though she were the only person in the room?
What a childish fool, to think of such things.
“I cannot have a social circle that only includes you all, of course,” Regina went on. “And I fear going back into ballrooms on my own.”
“Perhaps,” Lord Harrison said, speaking slowly, “This masked ball may be an opportunity in more ways than one, then.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that while you do have a habit of speaking out of turn, you are not so awful as you fear. With your mask on, nobody will know you. You can move freely.
“I think that, before the card game starts and after it is finished, it would be good for you to roam the ball. Dance with some gentlemen. Chat with some ladies.
“After all is said and done, I believe that you will find they embrace you. I truly believe that you will discover you have more to offer than you think you do. Furthermore, I think that you will enjoy yourself more than you anticipate. All that is needed is to free yourself from the burdens of what you feel others expect and believe of you.”
Regina did not quite believe him, but she was willing to give it a try. If only to prove him wrong.
“Very well. Another little bargain between us. I shall move about the ball and engage others in conversation and dance. If they embrace me as they have embraced my sisters in the past, then you are right. If they reject me, then I am proven right and the fault lies entirely within myself.”
“I have found that so rarely does the fault lie entirely with one person.” Harrison’s lips twitched in amusement. “But we shall see in the end who has the right of it.”
Regina smiled at him, looking forward, almost, to winning. Yet at the same time hoping she lost. She was never going to be a social butterfly but she did want to discover that she could discourse with others.
She wanted to prove herself as more than she had always thought she was.
“Again, Regina, if I may return to the subject of your father—if I thought you in danger of developing an addiction, I promise you I should not have continued in your training.
“You are a lady, and as such cannot play outside of this masked ball. Even if you were a man, I would not allow you to play if you were addicted to it. It’s a dangerous thing and always only ever leads to ruination.
“Many a man has thought that he could use it. Rather, the addiction uses him. He will not stop while he is ahead. If he gains a large win, he loses it the next day in another game. No man can win every time. Not with the cards such as they are.
“And yet men try. They try. And they try. And they try again. And for every win there are only heavier losses to follow.”
Thomas’s eyes were glinting in the firelight. It made him look otherworldly once again. As always, it drew Regina in. Even though she knew that it probably should have done the opposite.
“Trust me, my Puck, I would not have let you throw yourself away on such a hopeless endeavor.”
“I suppose I ought to thank you, then, Your Majesty,” Regina replied. She allowed herself to tease a little, fearing that she had made the mood too somber with her childish fears.
“I would be an irresponsible mentor if I did not take such care,” Thomas replied. “And do not beat yourself up about this, Regina. You do enough of that already. It is a legitimate fear and I am glad that you are aware of it as a potential pitfall.”
He rose, holding his hands together behind his back. “Now, I think it is best that we retire. These next few days will be the most intense. The ball is only a week away. Therefore, we must prepare as much as we can.”
The ball. Yes. Only a week away. It startled her at how fast the time had flown. And yet, it felt like ages ago since she had been in her own home.
Had it only been a month since she had been so blissfully unaware of how her father’s sins would ruin them all? Had it been so short a time since she had last been idle? Had she not seen her sisters in such a time?
Soon it would all come to a head. There were only the next few days to focus on card playing. Then, the last details must be hammered out for attending the ball: how best to approach the game, how to avoid anyone recognizing her, and so on.
Then it would be the day of the ball itself. And there would be the game.
Regina’s stomach twisted with worry and anticipation. On that day, she had to be her best. There was simply no other option. Her feelings for Lord Harrison, any esteem she had for him, her fears, her misgivings, their silly bet about her social skills. All of it must fall away.
There could only be the game.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
The next few days were an absolute flurry.
Regina arranged for Aunt Jane and Cora to meet. The two women took to one another immediately. They cited various mutual acquaintances. Aunt Jane made a remark about Cora’s mother that was not permitted in most polite society, which sent Cora off into peals of delighted laughter.
“The fastest way to form friends, my dear,” Aunt Jane said after seeing Regina’s aghast expression, “Is to find things that you mutually and vehemently dislike.”
That seemed rather backwards to Regina. But since Aunt Jane and Cora were getting along so well, who was she to question it?
Aunt Jane and Cora worked together and went with Regina to select what she would wear to the masquerade ball.
The plan was that Regina would have two outfits.
The first would be an outfit done in such a fashion that anyone looking at it should instantly know that it was her. It was rather simple in style and done up in a dark, muted blue. It went well with her eyes, or so she was told by a cooing Aunt Jane and a beaming Cora.
While the fabric was lovely, the style of the dress was just far enough behind in fashion that it fit with the rest of Regina’s style. She wasn’t much into shopping and was the youngest, so she was forever a step behind in the latest fashions.
The muted color, the modest cut, and the slight laziness in style would tell anyone who cared to look that it was Regina Hartfield wearing that dress.
Furthermore, her chosen mask was a simple one and did not cover much of her face. It was her eyes that were mostly obscured. If the dress was not enough for someone then the almost entire reveal of her face would soon set things to rights.
Regina would arrive at the ball in this first outfit. She would meet up with her sisters there, with Aunt Jane serving as her escort. After catching up she would do a few dances and chat around so that people would know that she was there.
This way, someone could say, “Why yes, Regina Hartfield? She was just right here. I wonder where she went. Perhaps try the dining room?”
Everyone would know that she was about somewhere. The masquerade ball was a large one. In fact it was the largest one that Lord and Lady Morrison hosted all year. It wasn’t unusual for someone to get swallowed up by the crowd.
Once she had established herself as present, Regina would slip away. Cora would find her, and then help her to get undressed and put on the second dress.
The second dress was much more daring than the first. It was the latest fashion, from Paris. It was entirely white, which would stand out at the mas
querade ball. Perhaps it was the nature of the ball or what those in attendance tended to do during it, but most people wore darker clothing.
Putting on a white dress, with such expensive fabric, in such a fashion forward style, would all help Regina to stand out. Cora would have a trusted handmaid upon attendance who would take Regina’s hair and put it in a different style.
Finally, there would be her mask. The second mask was a lovely piece of white lace, but it covered almost her entire face. It even had feathers sticking out of it that folded back and covered some of her hair.
“You look almost like a bride,” Cora noted.
“You look absolutely ravishing, my dear,” Aunt Jane added.
Regina did not care what she looked like so long as she was not recognizable. She wanted to appear before the card players as a mysterious and worldly woman. She needed them to be in awe of her. Her joining them at their table should be something that they enjoyed and wanted despite the taboo.
If this second outfit helped to accomplish that, then so be it.
When she was not handling the issues of dress, she was working with Harrison on cards. Or she was taking lessons on accents from Lord Quentin. He had been fetched by Harrison so that he might teach her the accent of his mother’s people.
“Nobody will realize that is what you sound like,” he said. “They will only know that you speak with an accent not from here. It will make you seem exotic. They will be more curious about you.”
When Aunt Jane asked why Regina needed a second dress, or why Lord Quentin was teaching her an accent, Regina only told her that she wanted to enjoy the ball without the pressure of her sisters breathing down her neck.
“I also have a little friendly wager going, between Lady Cora and I,” Regina added. “Lady Cora feels that I underappreciate myself. She says that if I go through the masquerade ball and interact with others through dancing and conversation I should find that I am not such a bother as I fear.”
“And what do you think?” Aunt Jane asked.
