by Ayles, Abby
“We are all fools in love, after all. And you are lucky that she loves you back. All the rest will fall into place and we will be here to support you.”
John clapped a hand on his brother’s shoulder. “I’m not sure that I deserve such support, but I welcome it.”
Then he turned—he had to find Miss Natalie.
It was time to get this entire mess straightened out once and for all.
Chapter 39
Natalie found a quiet spot in the library where she could begin writing out the invitations.
No rest for the wicked and all of that, she supposed.
The matters for a funeral had to be dealt with quickly so that everyone could get out in time. Otherwise they would be forced to bury the body before anyone could RSVP. To keep the body lying in wait at the mortuary was quite rude.
She was very good at correspondence. Her penmanship was something she had taken pride in over the years. It was, Bridget said, one of the few things that Natalie had enough patience to learn properly.
Her mind seemed to enter a bit of another state in times like these. She was not having to expend all of her thought on the task and could instead think of other things as she wrote.
How would she say it, exactly?
She would have to approach him at the right time. Not in front of anyone else. That would be thoughtless and would embarrass both him and herself.
Perhaps after dinner then. Most of the day’s work that he had to tend to would be completed. The ladies would be retiring. She could speak to him then.
What would she say?
She would have to thank him first and foremost for his patience with her. She would explain to him that this was nothing to do with him. That this was her choice concerning herself and had nothing to do with any behavior of his.
He would have to guess that she knew he felt nothing for her. But she did hope that she could get through it without revealing her own feelings. For Lord Ridgecleff, for anyone, to know that she loved without being loved in return…
It was a humiliating prospect. For the person who loved to know how you felt, without returning said affections? He would pity her. She could not stand that.
She would have to take care to speak plainly and calmly. She must give him no reason to suspect.
If he did not know that she loved him then he could only think that she was ending it for both of their sakes. There would be no need for pity or concern. She could walk away with her head held high and her pride intact.
That was how it must be done. To give him what he needed and to preserve her own dignity.
She was not so wrapped up in her writing and her thoughts that she could not hear the soft but heavy footfalls of someone approaching.
Beyond that, however, it was as though she had a second sense for Lord Ridgecleff. Perhaps it was the slight smell of the woods and the chilly outdoor air that always seemed to cling to him. Or perhaps it was the cadence of his footsteps. Perhaps it was a combination of something, or none of those things at all.
In any case, she knew it was him.
Natalie straightened up and tried to appear more serious. If that was possible.
“Trying to sneak up on me, my lord?” she asked.
Lord Ridgecleff paused. “Not precisely.”
“Then I suppose your taking care in being quiet was so as not to scare the mice?”
“There are no mice.”
“There are always mice,” Natalie replied, lowering her tone and keeping it flat so that he knew how serious she was in her mocking.
Lord Ridgecleff laughed. She at least had that ability on her side.
“If it would not trouble you too much, I was hoping that I might take you on a short walk.”
Natalie stood. “It is no trouble so long as we do not go far. Otherwise I had better change.”
“No, I think that we should just take a turn about the gardens if you would like.”
“Oh, certainly.”
Her mind was racing. Could it be that he wanted to discuss the wedding? Had she overstepped her bounds in helping with the funeral? Was he going to ask her to break off the engagement since he could not?
A thousand possibilities filled her head, none of them joyful. All of them filling her with dread and anxiety.
They stepped outside where the cool air of the day helped to clear her head. This was the perfect opportunity. Whatever he was going to say would be said.
Then, she could say her piece. It would all be finished with.
What was more, it was still early enough in the day that she and Louisa could pack. They could be prepared to leave at first light tomorrow. She’d still help with the funeral however she could while they packed, as a matter of course.
But no, this was all falling in line well. She swallowed around the lump in her throat. It was all for the best.
They walked in silence for a moment. Natalie took in the surrounding gardens. The hills. Mountbank itself. A part of her still preferred London. She suspected that it always would.
But a part of her loved Mountbank now as well. She had not realized until this moment how fond she was of it. She knew the servants. She knew the gardens. She had a favorite spot in the sitting room.
It had come to be a home to her. She would miss it dearly. Just as she would miss its master.
Then Lord Ridgecleff spoke.
“It has occurred to me…or, rather, it was brought to my attention that there was a misunderstanding going on between us.”
Natalie’s breath caught in her throat. Did he know, then? Was her secret out?
She could not stand to see pity in his eyes. Not from him. Not the man she had first resented and then come to love.
Let him be annoyed by her. Let her frustrate him. Let him think her childish or selfish. But pity? No.
“My brother has made me aware of something,” Lord Ridgecleff went on. “Something that I dared not hope for.”
He stopped walking and turned to face her.
Natalie could bear it no longer. He must be speaking of her plan. Somehow her thoughts must have betrayed themselves to the younger Ridgecleff and he had disclosed something.
“My lord,” she blurted out. “I must tell you something of great importance. And I think that it is the same thing of which you are about to speak.”
Lord Ridgecleff looked taken aback. “Very well then. It is the honor of the lady to speak first.”
Natalie drew in a deep breath. “I must first thank you for your hospitality. And your patience with me. You have born my initial reprehensible behavior as few other men could.
“I am in awe of your ability to take me in such good humor. I hope that I have managed to impress upon you my regret regarding my former behavior. And my eagerness to improve upon it.
“I hope that you will not see any sign of ungratefulness in me. Indeed ungratefulness is the farthest thing from my mind. I foster nothing but kind feelings towards you.
“But you must allow me this, my lord. I hold you in high regard and know that you are a man of honor. But I must give back that which you offered me and I formerly accepted. I wish to end our engagement.”
Lord Ridgecleff looked thunderstruck. Natalie had heard and read the word before but had never seen it so perfectly acted out in real life before. The poor man’s face was the very definition of the word.
“You…” Natalie felt her voice failing her. “You are…surprised?”
“I confess so, yes,” Lord Ridgecleff replied.
“But…why, my lord?” Natalie asked. Now she was surprised. And confused. “Are you not relieved?”
“Why should I be relieved?” Lord Ridgecleff asked. His tone was so sharp that it reminded Natalie of their great argument. Natalie even inadvertently took a step back.
But then she stood her ground. She had not been afraid of him when she did not like him. She would not be afraid of him now that she loved him.
“You are free now,” she replied. “You can take you
r time. You can marry only when you wish, when you choose, and it will be a woman that you can truly admire.”
Lord Ridgecleff stared at her. He seemed to be quite at a loss for words.
Natalie continued on.
“You have previously accused me of selfish behavior. You were right in that. Well, you must admit you can think of nothing more selfish than a woman who retains a man in engagement knowing he will not be happy with her.
“I know that you may fear what will happen to me afterwards. I would not concern yourself. I have had many suitors before. I shall have them again, and this time I hope that my behavior is improved enough that I shall keep one.
“My sister Bridget as you know leaves for the Continent with Lady Dunhill after my youngest sister Regina marries. I can journey with them perhaps. See the world. Marry a man from over there.”
Natalie forced herself to smile, to seem nonchalant about it. “With two sisters married and one engaged and Bridget all settled…why should I panic? I have a year or two left.”
Or at least, she hoped that she had a year or two left. But that could be wishful thinking. Her time might have already come and gone. And who would want to take a chance on a lady who had already abandoned one fiancé?
No. She must not think in such a manner. It would be all right. She would be fine.
It was hard to keep looking up into Lord Ridgecleff’s face, but she forced herself to do so. She was not to be a cowed child who had to look at the ground while discussing a difficult subject.
“I wish you all the best in the world. I hope that you will believe that. My actions are not born out of ill will. I am glad, in fact, that I have been given this opportunity.
“As awful as your father’s death is…and forgive me for speaking of it when it is still so fresh. But it affords you an opportunity. You are no longer bound by his dictates.
“This means that you are the earl. Your inheritance does not ride upon being engaged already. You can take your time and be free. Do as you like.
“It would be unfair of me to stand in the way of that. And so I hope for you to find happiness. I shall have my things, and my sister’s things, packed up at once. We can leave first thing tomorrow.
“Of course we can leave sooner if you would like. I’m certain that we can have our things ready in time to set out and reach the nearest inn by nightfall. But I could finish helping you with funeral preparations today. If you would like.”
Lord Ridgecleff gave an odd little laugh. It was almost as though he were laughing at himself as much as at her. “You have this all quite worked out, don’t you?”
She was not sure what to say to that. It did not feel as though he was mocking her. But nor did it feel as though he was entirely serious, either.
“My lord?” she asked, confused. “If I have offended—”
Lord Ridgecleff held up a hand to stay her. “It appears to me as though you have forgotten one thing.”
“And what is that?” Natalie asked.
He took a small step closer. His eyes were warm on hers. “You have made a grave error in your assumptions. You have not asked me if I wish for you to end our engagement.”
Hope, sudden and warm and terrifying, burst open in her chest. It rose up within her like the dawn.
“Do you…not wish for it to end?” she asked. “But…I’m afraid that you have me in a great deal of confusion, my lord. Why should you not wish for it to end?”
Lord Ridgecleff sighed. “Do you truly not know?”
“What could I not know?” She felt a little as if they were talking in circles now.
Lord Ridgecleff looked out over the garden. “How I feel for you,” he said, very quietly.
Natalie’s breath caught in her throat. “And…if I may be so impertinent as to ask…how do you feel? For me? I was unaware that you had any feelings for me at all. Except perhaps—but I had hoped, the best I had decided upon was indifference.”
He gave a quiet laugh, almost as if he were poking fun at himself. “I’m afraid that I have behaved quite the buffoon in this entire affair.” He looked over at her. “Can you forgive me?”
“Yes, at once, if you will tell me what it is I ought to be forgiving you for.”
“For not telling you how I felt. For assuming that I knew how you felt and therefore keeping my own heart a secret. For not simply speaking of this to you as a sensible man would.”
He sighed. “But it is difficult when one is taught to be cautious in affairs of the heart. How can a man speak plain when he is lectured all his boyhood about being reticent? About not giving in to flights of fancy where young ladies are concerned?
“I thought that to share my innermost feelings would be to earn your distaste. I thought that if I were to tell you how I felt it would only burden you. I see now that it would have cleared things up between us.
“So allow me, if you will, to speak plainly now.”
He turned to face her once again. Natalie felt caught, rooted to the spot.
“I admit that my first thoughts of your character were concerned ones. But the first moment that I saw you my impression was one of beauty.
“You took my breath away. And after we had…settled things between us and been frank with one another concerning the failings in our characters…I found that you were beginning to steal my breath away again.
“You were as beautiful in face and form as when I had first seen you at the masquerade. But now I was beginning to find that your character was just as beautiful.
“You had taken my chastisement as few women could and you had pointed out to me my own flaws in judgment and behavior. Through you I was humbled and bettered. And I was nothing short of delighted with the woman that I saw you becoming.
“I found that I had come to depend upon you. I looked forward to every moment you chose to be by my side. I was quite in the middle of loving you before I even realized that I had started.
“You started out as everything I had hoped against. But you quickly turned into everything that I had not even let myself wish for. When I first read my father’s orders…my plan was to find a woman that I could tolerate.
“On the contrary, I found myself engaged to a woman that I loved.
“I had not dared to hope that you might return my affections. I knew that I had made a bad impression upon you. We had argued. We were quite different in temperament.
“Often I wished that there was some way to free you from this tangle in which we found ourselves. Yet I could see no escape for what I believed to be a woman trapped.
“I had entertained some half-baked ideas of convincing my father that I did not need to be engaged just yet. But he cared greatly for you. I could see how well and how easily you handled him and how you delighted him.
“How could I take that away from him? It became a matter of whom I would displease, the woman I loved or the father that I also loved. Both of you I had wronged through my proud and stubborn behavior.
“I saw no way out. It greatly upset me. I would have given you anything that you wanted. Laid my heart at your feet if that was what you had asked of me. And yet the one thing that I was convinced you wanted I could not give you.
“I started to concoct plans. Ways that you could spend part of the time in London. Ways we could host balls here at Mountbank. Anything to give you some reasons to be happy even if you were tied to me.
“And you know—I do not know if anyone said such things to you. But you must know that your sister said things to me. The eldest, Miss Bridget Hartfield. Others said things to me as well.
“They congratulated me on how you had changed. On how much lighter I seemed to be. It was awful in a way to know that my change in demeanor was so obvious. If they could see the ways my love for you shone out then certainly you did as well?
“I thought for a time that you must know and were simply ignoring it in order to be kind to me. I thought that you were only pretending when you seemed so delighted to see me when we were at
a ball or at your sister’s wedding.
“People would come up to me and tell me all about how much better you were. And I thought that they must be exaggerating. Especially in their accounts of your esteem for me.
“I know, I know that you must think me a halfwit to have not believed the word of so many impartial strangers. But you must remember those ladies at the ball as well.
“They said unkind things about you that I refused to believe. You begged me to believe that they were not true of you anymore. And I did. I listened to you.
“If these ladies could be wrong in their judgment of you then surely these other men and women could be wrong as well? When they told me of how much you esteemed me and how much we balanced one another out?
“It was folly to me to hope. Pure folly.
“Yet every day I found myself more and more in love with you. It tears my heart out even now to say those words. I still fear the gentle rejection you might yet give me. I know you will be gentle about it, if it is rejection you will give. I always knew that.
“You were a lady who acted without thought at times. But you were never deliberately cruel. You would not purposefully lead me on. And if you knew how I felt I was certain that you would give my heart back to me with the softest words and gestures that you could muster.
“But rejection, soft or callous, is still rejection.
“I braced myself for an unequal marriage. A marriage in which I gave you all that I could to make you happy. A marriage in which you felt nothing but indifference while I felt the strongest of passions.
“It was unfair to both of us. But I knew of no other recourse.
“And then…well. As you well know. There came this whole business.”
Natalie nodded. It was still quite fresh in his heart and mind, she could tell. And why should it not be? It had taken her ages to get over her mother’s death. She had been younger of course. A child, really. But they were all children to their parents. One always felt young and vulnerable where they were concerned.
She wanted to fling herself into his arms. She wanted to declare her own feelings. She wanted to burst into tears from joy and relief.
