“You’re a good man, Nick,” she said, crossing her arms and scowling, daring him to challenge her.
He barked a hollow laugh. “So many people would disagree with you. You know what I am? I’m a lucky man. I don’t work for much of anything—I lucked into my money much as I lucked into everything else.” He didn’t add: Much as I lucked into you. He had Lexie in his life because Lady Luck had decided to smile on him that night in the gambling hall. He had never had to work for anything in his entire life—everything had been handed to him.
“You’re here, aren’t you?” she demanded. “Aren’t you working on your company? An indolent man would never do what you’ve done. I’ve watched you with your investors. You may not think I’ve noticed, but I’ve seen how much work and effort you put into your company. You haven’t been letting the others do all the work for you while you gamble or drink yourself into oblivion. I know how much effort it takes to run a successful business. Trust me. I’ve watched my father fail at enough of them.”
He waved his hand dismissively. “What I’ve done is a drop in the bucket and means nothing. The company would be just as successful if I hadn’t invested in it. Maybe even more so.” Pouring himself another shot of whiskey, he said, “I’ve done nothing I’m especially proud of.”
She sighed and gave a delicate shrug. “Well, I’m proud of you, even if you aren’t.”
“Then you would have loved my brother.” The words loved my brother stung more than he cared to admit. He wanted her to love him. Never before in his life had he wanted a woman’s love, but he needed Lexie’s like he needed food and water.
A small, sad smile creased her lips, and the ache settling in his chest was so different from the one that had lived in his heart for the past year. Rather than regret and shame, longing consumed him, and even though it hurt, the pain felt clean where before it had been so dirty.
The realization hit him like a train. Their relationship wasn’t about lust, or even about pursuing the one woman who refused him. He had fallen in love with her. He didn’t want her heart because of greed or passion or possessiveness. He wanted her heart because she already had his.
Lexie studied him with sad, dark eyes. “Why don’t you tell me about him?”
“I’m not even sure what to tell you.” He had no idea where to start. Lexie would have loved Rob. They were so alike in their tastes in books and music, in the practical and steadfast ways they approached the world. “He was the golden son. Like I said, he studied hard and went to law school, and while I attended college, I spent most of my time getting into scrapes Rob had to get me out of. My father was so proud of him.”
“Sound like you were, too.”
With a small nod, Nicholas said, “Yeah. I idolized Rob. I wanted to be Rob when I was a kid. So when the opportunity came up, I offered him a job helping to negotiate contracts with Campbell. I thought nothing would be better than having him live here in California.”
“And he came?”
“Yep. I made him an offer he couldn’t refuse. I wish to God he had. But, as you once pointed out, no one refuses me, and neither did he.”
He knew he’d hurt her with his choice of words, but instead of addressing it, she simply pursed her lips into a line and asked, “What happened?”
Nicholas swirled his whiskey in his glass and watched it trail down the sides. He threw the drink back in a single swallow, relishing the burn it created in his stomach. That small bite of pain briefly focused his attention away from a different, deeper pain. “Well, I killed him.”
“What?” she breathed.
He expected disgust, but instead her expression only held concern and surprise. No horror. No censure. Just shock and hurt. “He’s dead because of me.”
She moved her beautiful body closer, and he noticed the way the fabric of her dress clung to her narrow waist and accentuated the swell of her breasts. Even now, as consumed with guilt as he was—and should be—the lure of a beautiful woman still so easily distracted him. She cupped his face, and he turned his eyes away. Her concern actually hurt worse than her disgust would have. He couldn’t push her away as he had everyone else. He couldn’t drown her compassion in alcohol as he had his pain.
But he could try.
“You don’t need any more to drink,” she said as he reached for his whiskey. She clucked her tongue softly and moved the bottle out of his reach. “Why don’t you tell me what happened.”
He dropped his hands. She was right. He didn’t need the alcohol. It only dulled the hurt, and he wanted to feel the pain when she walked out on him. Losing Lexie would be a reasonable punishment for what he had done to his brother. He should have lost everything, and yet, after his brother’s death, Fortune continued to smile on him, gracing him with more women and more money than he had ever hoped for. Eventually, Fortune brought him Lexie.
He stared at the empty fireplace for a time, choosing his words with careful consideration. “Rob, Campbell, and I were supposed to go to Indochina to negotiate some contracts. They were going to leave first, and I was supposed to follow a week later. I don’t even remember what was so important I needed to stay in California for an extra week. Probably something stupid,” he said, bitterness lacing his words. “Anyway, the day before Rob and Campbell were supposed to sail, my...my lover’s husband came home unexpectedly, and he was none too pleased to find me in his house with no chaperone.”
Lexie’s face held no reproach. She understood his reputation and didn’t judge him for his past actions. “I can imagine.”
“He discovered nothing untoward,” Nicholas said defensively, though he cringed inwardly to think about what he had done to the man’s wife. For the first time, Nicholas understood on a visceral level why his lover’s husband had behaved the way he had. The thought of another man touching Lexie the way he did made him daft. Intellectually, he had been able to grasp why a man might be jealous, but he had always thought himself above such emotions, never thought a woman worth so much trouble. Now he understood. “But he and a couple of his stable lads beat me up pretty good and threw me out a window.”
He paused for a time, staring at his hands. Lexie remained silent, but he felt her watching him. “Well, Mrs. Ferguson summoned my brother as soon as I turned up, and they were so busy taking care of me, Rob missed his ship. I was deemed unfit enough to travel, so Rob decided to take my berth, and purchased the last two berths for his wife and his son. A grand family adventure.”
Lexie sighed, and he raised his eyes to meet hers. Her expression held only sorrow, no reproach. “But something went wrong.”
He nodded. “Their ship got caught in a monsoon in the South China Sea. All souls were lost. Rob, his wife, my nephew...My whole family died that night.”
“Oh, Nicholas,” she breathed, coming to stand in front of him. She put her hands to his face, bent down and kissed him lightly on the mouth. “I’m so sorry.” She paused, her countenance troubled. “You must know what happened isn’t your fault.”
He released a bitter breath of laughter and turned his face away from the pity he neither wanted nor deserved. Her pity should be reserved for his brother, not for the man who killed him. “You think not?” he asked, his heart clenching painfully in his chest. “I was hurt, but not to the extent I needed to stay here to recover. Hell, the day he died, I was playing poker in Sacramento. I could have traveled if I’d wanted to and recuperated on the ship. If I hadn’t been so damn irresponsible, Rob would have sailed out with Campbell, and it would have been me on that ship.”
“You know it’s not your fault,” Lexie repeated, her voice so soft he barely heard her over the grief ringing in his ears.
He didn’t merit absolution. More than anyone, she had reason to hate him: he’d won her in a card game, ruined her reputation, and then seduced her. Selfish as always, he made her no promises, and she didn’t seem to expect any. She accepted him for the man he was, and now she offered him forgiveness he hadn’t earned.
He didn
’t deserve her or her mercy.
Anger burned hot and bright as he fought the desire to accept what she offered. “Dammit, don’t you understand?” he snarled. “My brother is dead because of me.”
Lexie didn’t seem the least bit perturbed. “Did you sink his ship, then?” she asked. When he did nothing but glare at her, she continued. “Did you know his boat would sink? Of course you didn’t. You didn’t force him to miss his berth the first time, and you didn’t force him to take your place. Did you even ask him to?”
“Of course not.”
“Then how is any of this your fault? He made a choice.”
“He’s dead because I was irresponsible! Because I’ve never been able to resist the lure of a pretty face and got caught! Because I’m so feckless and cavalier I disregard everything else in favor of my own fickle desires. Because I have always lived my entire life like it’s all about me!”
“Maybe you were irresponsible. That doesn’t mean you should bear the responsibility for his death. Everyone makes decisions. He made as many as you did.”
“He never would have put his family in danger!”
“Neither would you. Tell me, if you had suspected a problem with the ship, would you have allowed him—or his family—to get on board?”
“Absolutely not.”
“Then I don’t understand why you continue to punish yourself for something you had no control over.”
“Because I deserve to be punished!” The cold, hard truth exploded from him. “I’m not the only one who thinks I’m to blame. My father did, too.”
Her brows drew together over her nose. “What?”
He shook his head. “Look, Lexie, I’m not a good man, so please don’t try to mollify me with platitudes about my ‘goodness.’ I’m not a good man, but I am the luckiest son of a bitch this side of the Mississippi. My father knew that about me.”
“Oh, Nick, whatever he said, you must know he didn’t mean it.”
“You think not?” he demanded. “Everything he said was true. If I were a better man, my brother would still be alive. If I’d had a shred of decency, instead of coveting another man’s wife, Rob would still be alive.”
“But you would be dead. Your father wouldn’t want that.”
“No? Because he said as much.”
Tears stood in her dark eyes and the naked pain on her face caused his heart to twist painfully in his chest. She grieved for a man she would never meet, and for a man who didn’t deserve it. “What a horrible thing to say.”
“But true.”
“No, it’s not. I’m sure he regrets his words now.”
Nicholas shrugged and swallowed hard, his fingers itching for his whiskey. “I guess we’ll never know. He killed himself a few months later.”
He heard her sharp intake of breath, and when he looked up, tears spilled down her alabaster cheeks. “Oh, Nick, I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be,” he said, waving away her concern, pretending he didn’t feel the sting every time he thought of his father’s parting words.
“You don’t need to do that.”
“Do what?”
“Act like you don’t care.”
“Maybe I don’t.”
Her lips tightened. “I don’t believe that.”
“What do you believe, Miss Markland?”
She perched on the edge of his desk and put her hand over his heart, and his heart pounded the way it did every time she touched him. “I think you care more deeply than you’ll ever admit.” He made a dismissive sound deep in his throat because he couldn’t bring himself to challenge her when her words held the vicious ring of truth. Silence settled between them for a time. Lexie watched him while he carefully avoided her gaze. After a time, she asked, “What about your mother? What does she say?”
“Mother was dying when she gave me the money to invest in Campbell’s company. She passed about four years ago. So when Rob died, my father lost everything.”
Lexie studied him with intelligent, troubled eyes. “Oh,” she breathed. Her dark eyes took in every nuance, every emotion. “I get it. Your brother was worth dying for, but you weren’t worth living for. Is that how you think your father saw it?”
“Maybe.”
“Is that how you see it, too?”
That was exactly how he saw it. Lexie had just put into words what Nicholas couldn’t have, given a thousand lifetimes. For a year now, he had wished he’d been the one to die instead of his brother, because his life simply wasn’t worth living. “I don’t know.”
“I’ll take that as a yes.”
“Take it however you want.” He reached for the whiskey, but she pushed his hand away.
“No, you don’t need that. Drowning your pain in alcohol won’t solve anything, and it won’t help. Unless you want to end up dead like your father or a drunk like mine.”
He hissed at the suggestion. “I’m nothing like your father or mine.”
“No, you’re not. You’re better than both of them.”
Pain seized his chest and left him breathless. “How can you say that?”
She reached out and stroked his face, a touch so tender his heart ached. “Because I see the man you really are. I see that man better than your father did, and certainly better than you do,” she said matter-of-factly. “Would Rob want you to live your life like this?”
He closed his eyes against a grief threatening to overwhelm him. “No.”
“If that’s the case, why would you carry such guilt? Do you honestly think your brother would want this kind of pain for you?”
She was right. Rob never would have wanted him to suffer, never would have wanted him to punish himself night after night. And while Rob wouldn’t have approved of how he had acquired Lexie, he would have liked her, and would have wanted Nicholas to do the right thing by her. She deserved that.
He had laid out for her the very reason she was here with him today. He had been fickle and cavalier, and hadn’t cared about anyone—including himself. Yet she offered him forgiveness. Reflecting back on the night she had come into his life, he realized he had proceeded with the bet because he wanted the scandal he thought would ensue. He hadn’t cared about her reputation, but he did care about making his as bad as possible, because he deserved to be shunned.
Only to discover heaven in the arms of the one woman who had every reason to reject him.
“No, he wouldn’t,” Nicholas answered, defeated.
“Then why are you taking all the responsibility? You can say if only for the rest of your life. If only you hadn’t been caught. If only you hadn’t gotten hurt. If only he hadn’t taken your place. If only there had been fewer berths on the ship. If only they had been closer to the port. If only there hadn’t been a storm. It’s too much. If you are to blame, then so is your brother and God and everyone on that ship. Your father was wrong to blame you.”
“I understood why he said what he did. If I had been more responsible, Rob never would have been on board.”
“And who would your father have blamed then? You would be dead. Your father was hurt and angry and he took it out on you because you accepted the responsibility. Don’t you get it? You’ve made your brother’s death all about you, your father made it about you, and neither of you made it about who it should have been about. Rob. You should have done something together to make him proud. He wouldn’t have wanted your father to tear you apart, and he wouldn’t have wanted to tear you apart, would he?”
“No.” Nicholas wanted to be punished, but Rob never would have demanded retribution. For the first time, Nicholas realized he had been living up to his father’s expectations by throwing himself into the very lifestyle Rob and his father so disapproved of. He’d been proving to God and everyone that his father was right. Even after his father died, he continued to live in the same fashion, punishing his father over and over for the angry words between them. Now his father was gone, and he only continued to hurt himself.
And eventually he’d hurt Lex
ie. Beautiful, proud Lexie never stood a chance against him. As long as he didn’t acknowledge their relationship, as long as he didn’t do the right thing by her, he continued to hurt her.
She took his face in her hands. “Look at me,” she said. His eyes were heavy with the weight of unshed tears, but he would never be so weak as to cry in front of her. She leaned in as if to kiss him on the lips, and when he closed his eyes, she pressed gentle kisses to his lids, a gesture sweet and filled with so much love his heart ached. Against his will, hot tears escaped, and she wiped them away with a tender brush of her fingertips against his cheek. “I, for one, am very glad you weren’t on that boat. The world wouldn’t be the same for me without you in it.”
In their time together, this was the closest she had come to saying she cared for him. With her body, she showed the depth of her feeling for him, but she never said the words. Now she demonstrated the strength of her emotion by offering him the one thing he had never been able to get for himself. The one thing all the money in the world couldn’t buy him.
Absolution.
Not only for the death of his brother, but also for what he had done to her. If she forgave him, shouldn’t he forgive himself and start living his life? Shouldn’t he love her the way she deserved? A fist of iron clenched his heart and refused to let go. Everything he had and everything he would ever be, however unworthy, belonged to her, now and forever. He needed to stop playing games and punishing himself.
The time had come for him to be the man Rob had wanted him to be and the man Lexie deserved.
Standing, he anchored his fist in her dark hair, pulled her head back and crushed her lips against his. She yielded to him, her lips soft and pliant beneath his, and he was filled with such longing it took his breath away. He wasn’t worthy of her, but he would make damn sure he became a man who was.
His tongue slipped between her lips to tangle with hers. Her response was instant and passionate. She threaded her fingers through his hair, pulling him closer to her, her body soft and compliant beneath his hands, and responding to his touch. When they surfaced for air, her breathing was ragged, her eyes hooded with desire.
The Marker Page 17
