‘It’s totally normal. It would be weird if you … didn’t react. To something like that, I mean. It’s pretty … intense.’
His eyes meet mine at last. They crinkle at the corners. ‘Yeah. Thanks.’ His hand covers mine. ‘I get it, Mary. I recognise the signs. I don’t know what’s gone on, exactly. I can guess. But if you ever want to talk …’
A lump forms in my throat and I fight the sudden urge to burst into tears. ‘Thanks. You’re quite nice, you know.’
Ben’s teeth gleam in the low light as he smiles. I like his smile. ‘You’re quite nice, too.’
We look at each other in silence for a minute. Then his expression turns sheepish. ‘We share a wall,’ he says.
‘Huh?’
He ducks his head. ‘Sometimes you, uh … talk in your sleep.’
My spine stiffens.
‘Don’t worry …’ He squeezes my hand. ‘I’m not eavesdropping or anything. But sometimes … Look. Whoever he was. Or is. You deserve better.’
For second I forget to breathe.
‘Was,’ I clarify. ‘Definitely was.’
It’s embarrassing to imagine what he might have heard. And I can’t help but wonder if he’s doing that guy thing, swooping in when I’m vulnerable. Playing the hero. He doesn’t seem the type, but I’ve been wrong about that kind of thing before. And isn’t he technically seeing someone else? We’ve slept together. Not exactly a hero move.
I don’t say anything else and he doesn’t prod further. After a moment, he says gently, ‘You haven’t touched your wine.’
I blink, shake my head, and take a long pull from my glass. I wait for a moment before I speak. ‘And what about you?’
Ben cocks an eyebrow.
‘Gia,’ I say, before I can lose my nerve. ‘Is she …?’
‘What? Oh! No. No, like I said, we’re just friends.’
It’s my turn to raise an eyebrow.
Ben laughs. ‘Honest! I know Cat loves to give me shit, but I haven’t led Gia on. Really. I’ve told her I don’t think about her that way. She just doesn’t seem to believe it. Either that, or she’s actually happy being just friends.’
I nod, realising I’ve believed that all along. ‘Yeah. Someone’s got to set her straight though – tell her that being “just friends” isn’t going to lead to anything more.’
‘Don’t I know it.’ He shakes his head. His next words are softer. ‘Was he bad to you?’
The lump in my throat returns. But I owe him this, at least. ‘The worst.’
‘You deserve better,’ he repeats. It’s all he says, but it’s enough. Our eyes hold. He seems to be waiting for something. Then he surprises me by kissing me on the forehead. ‘Goodnight, Mary.’
A rush of disappointment fills me. ‘Couldn’t you … stay?’
Ben’s looking at me like he wants an explanation. And I know I owe it to him, but I’m too unsure of everything. I can’t make promises and so I don’t.
The moment passes and Ben looks away, clears his throat. He shakes the bottle and pours the remains into our cups. ‘Something, uh, something strange happened earlier.’
‘Oh?’ I take a sip, grateful for the change of topic, and the fact that he hasn’t left yet.
‘Cat and Rachel were fighting.’
‘What?’
‘Well, that’s what I thought. I’ve seen them fighting before.’
I sit up straight. ‘You have?’
‘Sure, yeah. Not fighting exactly. Just Cat getting up her about the rent and stuff. Rachel was pretty angry though, so I wonder if something else was going on. I heard your name …’ Ben stops and looks sheepish, like he’s said too much. ‘But I wouldn’t worry. It’s kind of flattering, really. Like they’re in competition as to who can be a better friend to you or something.’
‘Pfft. I doubt that’s what it is,’ I say, but suddenly I’m not so sure.
‘Anyway, that wasn’t the weird thing,’ Ben continues. ‘Earlier, I could have sworn I heard Cat and Rachel in Rachel’s room – Cat’s got a distinctive voice, right? – and there was this conversation going on … someone was shouting, saying stay away from her …’ He pauses, rubs a finger along his upper lip. ‘Well, I think that’s what they said, anyway.’
‘What else did you hear?’
Ben shrugs. ‘I couldn’t make out what they were saying and I didn’t want to eavesdrop. But then I heard a glass breaking, so I went to see what the trouble was. I knocked on the door but there was no answer, and when I opened it, Rachel was just sitting on her bed, staring at … I don’t know. Nothing. She had this really weird look on her face. Like she wasn’t really … there.’
A shiver moves through me. I’ve seen that look before.
‘What did Cat say?’
Ben turns to me, his eyes reflecting the lamp light. ‘That’s the thing. There was no one else there. Rachel was alone.’
CRASH!
I sit upright in bed with my heart in my throat.
BANG! Screeeeech. THUNK!
It’s pitch-black, so I make a manic grab for my phone, stabbing at it until it emits its pale white glow.
‘Please!’ a voice wails, shrill and desperate. ‘Please don’t go. No, please!’
A thud.
‘… Shouldn’t have come back here …’
The sound of something being dragged across the floor.
‘… Not after last time …’
Thunk!
I swallow the fear that’s risen, try to slow my breathing. It’s just the couple upstairs.
‘… Didn’t mean to …’ It’s the woman’s voice, muffled now. They must be inside. ‘… Never happen again … Please. Please!’
The sobbing starts; it’s so pitiful, I can’t help but feel sorry for her.
Ben snores on in the bed beside me, oblivious. Once I’ve calmed down, I reach for the bottle of water I keep by the bed and realise I’ve knocked it off. Fuck. The floor will be wet now. And I’m dying of thirst. I step gingerly onto the floor – a dry patch, mercifully – and tiptoe across the room by the light of my phone.
The cool air in the living room is refreshing after the stuffiness of my room and Ben’s clammy skin on mine. I’m almost to the kitchen when I realise someone’s there.
‘Cat?’
Silence. Even the noise from upstairs has stopped.
Then the sobbing starts up again and I unconsciously step backwards.
I reach for the hall light. It flickers on and I blink, wondering if I’m seeing right. Cat and Rachel stand in the kitchen, both heads turned in my direction. Both sets of eyes on me.
My relief morphs to confusion. Something isn’t right. ‘What are you two doing here in the dark?’
Cat looks down, but Rachel’s eyes remain on me.
There’s another thud and a wail from above.
‘Those guys upstairs,’ Rachel says. There’s a strange cadence to her voice. She sounds almost formal. ‘We both got woken up.’ She runs a hand through her fine hair and I watch as the feather-light tendrils fall against her cheek.
Cat drags a palm across her mouth, shakes her head. She looks rattled.
‘Are you okay?’ I ask. I’m not used to seeing Cat flustered.
Her eyes dart towards me. She flashes an unconvincing smile, snatches a glass from the countertop and fills it at the sink. ‘Of course.’
There’s the sound of a door slamming from above, then silence. He’s left.
‘Finally,’ I say with a nervous laugh.
Nobody says anything.
The moment for asking questions seems to have passed, and in its place is an awkward silence. To break it, I say, ‘It’s her, did you know? Not him.’ I grab a new bottle of water from the fridge and drink greedily.
‘I know,’ Rachel says, looking skywards. The shadow of the ceiling fan falls across her face. ‘Fucked-up bitch.’
A string of tension pulls inside me. I glance at Cat, but she’s looking past me. I turn and follow her line of vision. Be
n is standing in the doorway of my bedroom, bleary-eyed and rubbing the back of his neck.
‘What’s going on out here?’ he asks.
I’m hot with embarrassment when I turn back to the others.
‘Nothing,’ Rachel says. ‘Just came for some water.’
‘All of you?’ Ben rubs his eyes, looking from me to Rachel to Cat. I don’t know if he’s forgotten it’s my room he’s just come out of, or whether he doesn’t care.
Rachel watches Ben, her face giving nothing away. Then a strange smile creeps along her lips.
When I look at Cat, her face is naked in a way I’ve never seen before and she’s not quick enough to cover it. For a second, she looks like she just lost her best friend.
Chapter Thirty-One
It’s eight in the morning and though my head pounds and my body aches, it’s too hot to sleep. Ben’s gone – he’s left me a cute little note on a scrap of paper next to the bed saying ‘Morning, Sunshine!’ with a smiley face and two kisses – but I don’t know where. Work, presumably.
I peel the sheets from my body and spend twenty minutes in the shower, alternating the temperature between hot and cold to try and wake myself up. When I’m done, I dry myself and pull on my running gear. I’m awake and it’s too early to drink – I have to stay sane somehow.
It’s hot already. The smell of freshly brewed coffee from the beachside vendor fills the air and the morning sunlight glints off the sunglasses of morning joggers as they pass me. The air is muggy and the sun has that vicious glare to it that promises a scorcher ahead.
I close my hand around the alarm in my pocket, my heartbeat in my ears as my feet pound deep prints into the wet sand. The tide is headed out, leaving an expanse of shiny-slick sand in its wake, and I avoid looking at the houseboat as it nears, instead following the tracks of a family of three and a large dog. My mind snares on an image of Mum laughing with Rufus in the water one summer. My chest tightens and when I open my eyes I see a cabin, far across the water. And I’m struck with a sudden feeling of familiarity.
After two laps, the heat is too much and I head home. As I round the corner of our building, I spot two familiar figures at the table outside the trendy brunch bar that recently opened on our street. I slow my pace, watching as Cat shakes her head, lifts her hands as if in supplication. Or exasperation. She’s seated with her back to me, but I see Ben’s face over her shoulder and he looks like a scolded child. He speaks and I’m sure I can lip-read the word ‘sorry’. Then he sees me and his eyes widen. He taps Cat on the arm and she turns. I don’t miss the pause before she smiles.
‘Hey,’ she says as I near their table. I’m dripping sweat and must look a sight.
‘Hi.’
Ben smiles at me, but I can tell he’s uncomfortable. What were they talking about? Why are they having breakfast together and I didn’t get an invite?
Cat glances at Ben, then back at me. ‘We thought we’d try out this new place.’
‘I’ve actually got to head to work,’ Ben says. His smile is more of a grimace. ‘Sorry.’
‘Okay. Uh, have a good day.’
‘You too.’ As Ben passes me his eyes catch mine with that private look and suddenly I’m biting back a smile.
‘Have a seat.’ Cat gestures to the chair Ben vacated.
‘I’m all sweaty, I might just—’
‘Sit,’ Cat insists, and I know better than to ignore that tone.
I do as I’m told, and when I look up, Cat’s eyes are narrowed, her nose wrinkled like something smells bad. I glance down; the hands cradling her coffee cup are trembling. How many has she had?
‘So, you and Ben, huh?’ she starts.
A small, startled sound escapes my throat. I’m unable to think of anything to say. But the fact that she’s upset about the two of us – I get that old feeling of guilt, and I wonder if it’s because Cat likes Ben. But that doesn’t make sense. She knew him before I did. And she gives him shit about Gia all the time. Surely, she’d have done something, said something to me earlier if she liked him that way?
Cat laughs, but it’s more of a snort. She gulps back a mouthful of coffee, sets down her cup. ‘Do you really think that’s a good idea?’
‘Nothing’s … happened.’
‘Bullshit.’
Her sharp tone takes me by surprise. What’s it to her anyway? ‘We were talking and I … I asked him to stay.’
Cat shovels a forkful of scrambled egg into her mouth and doesn’t say anything.
‘Nothing happened,’ I repeat. ‘We just slept in the same bed.’ Okay, so something more than that did happen the other night. Why am I lying by omission? And to Cat of all people?
Cat stabs a piece of bacon with her fork. She lifts it halfway to her mouth and then sighs. ‘Don’t you think it’s too soon?’
My head’s pounding again. I pick up Ben’s empty glass, pour some iced water from the jug and slug it back.
‘Besides, I didn’t think he’d be your type,’ she mutters as she rips open two packets of sugar and stirs them aggressively into her coffee.
My glass hits the table with an audible chink. ‘Excuse me?’
Cat points her fork at me and grease drips from the strip of bacon. The sight makes my stomach turn. ‘Well, what would Doctor Sarah say?’
That throws me, but only for a second. My chest swells with indignation. ‘She’d say it’s a good thing I’m moving on with my life,’ I say, and it’s the truth. Okay, it mightn’t be the smartest move getting involved with someone right now. If you can call whatever’s between me and Ben ‘involved’. Maybe it’s just a rebound thing. Maybe it won’t last. But at least I’m moving forward instead of standing still. And maybe I’m a little sick of being lectured, even if it’s ‘for my own good’.
‘Well,’ Cat sniffs. She seems suddenly more interested in her breakfast than in me. When she speaks again, her voice is unusually high. ‘You know I’m just concerned about your well-being, Mary. You know you haven’t always – and don’t hate me for being harsh here – but you haven’t always made the best choices. And speaking of, did you hear Rachel last night?’
‘No,’ I snap. Then I remember what Ben said about the ‘fight’ he overheard. And the weird moment I interrupted in the kitchen last night. ‘Is that what you two were talking about last night?’
Cat shakes her head, seems not to hear me. ‘We’ve got to find someone else for the room. I like her and all, but with the rent and all this weird shit … and you two getting close …’
My indignation swells, feels righteous. ‘So, hang on. You’re concerned about my well-being but you don’t want me making new friends? Or seeing anyone?’
Cat looks hurt. ‘I honestly feel like I can’t win here. I’m playing the role of your aunt because she’s not here to protect you, and I’m the only person that knows the real you. Your past. Yet it’s costing me our friendship. After everything we’ve been through … Please can you just trust me about Rachel, M?’
‘What is it about her exactly? What is it with you two? I like her. She’s been through a lot, and yeah, she’s got some problems. But is that a reason to just chuck someone out?’
‘Mary—’
‘Ben said he heard you two fighting. And you looked … I don’t know. You looked weird when I found you in the kitchen last night. What was that about?’
Cat gets this look like she’s been caught out and I feel a stab of something in my gut. Something that feels suspiciously like betrayal.
‘Are you warning her against being friends with me?’
Cat’s eyes widen. ‘No! I …’
Something Rachel said echoes in my memory. She acts like she owns you. Has Rachel been on to something all along? ‘Is it really because you’re worried about me? Or are you just jealous?’ The harsh word echoes in my ears and I can’t believe I’ve just said it.
‘Mary.’ Cat shakes her head slowly. ‘You’ve got it wrong.’
‘Then tell me what you’ve been fighting
about.’
Cat’s eyes plead with me, but she doesn’t say anything.
I have this horrible feeling that I’m at a crossroads and I can only go one way. One way I choose Cat, the other I choose Rachel.
‘And what were you talking to Ben about?’
More silence.
‘Cat?’
When Cat’s eyes raise to meet mine, she looks defeated. I notice once more the dark circles under her eyes, the strip of blonde regrowth down the parting in her hair. ‘I told him you’d just come out of something and weren’t ready for this. I told him he should stay away from you.’
I feel like I’ve been punched. ‘You had no right to do that,’ I say. My voice is soft, but inside I’m seething. I stand up suddenly, knocking over the glass of water. It spills and dribbles over the edge of the table as I walk off.
‘Mary!’ Cat calls after me.
I don’t stop walking, but when I look over my shoulder, Cat wears a haunted expression.
‘For what it’s worth – he didn’t listen.’
Chapter Thirty-Two
11th December 2016
I spent another restless night tossing and turning, sleep evading me until the early hours. I couldn’t stop replaying the conversation I had with Cat earlier in the day, growing more angry at her and then more frustrated with myself as that anger whirred through my mind and body, stopping me from sleeping. I even started to work myself up and question whether she was right about it all. But then I focused on Ben, on the fact that he obviously stuck up for me. It calmed me, knowing that he’s on my side.
When I eventually dropped off to sleep, it felt like just minutes before I was awoken by footsteps – Rachel was sleepwalking again …
It was bad this time. She really scared me. It was like she was possessed or something, though I know it wasn’t really her. I could see by the way she looked through me, rather than at me. Like she was seeing something that wasn’t actually there.
I’ve heard about that kind of thing. Doctor Sarah talked about disassociation, once or twice. People who’ve been through serious trauma of some kind or another – usually some kind of abuse over a long period of time – disassociate themselves from the person it happened to, taking on a different personality.
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