Stereotypes matter because they continue to contribute to how the next generation of girls see themselves. Certainly a lot has changed for girls growing up today. Barbie dumped Ken in 2004, and girls today are as likely to own a pirate, astronaut, or Hispanic presidential candidate Barbie as they are a princess or nurse Barbie. Ask them about their career aspirations, and most girls will tell you the sky’s the limit. And for the most part they’re right.
Dig deeper, though, and girls tell another story too. While 71 percent aspire to go to college full-time after high school, a survey by Girls Inc. revealed that more than a third believe most people think the most important thing for girls is to get married and have children.29 Girls today are also keenly aware of the intense pressure they feel, at ever younger ages, to fit a uniquely female model of success. Along with heightened expectations about physical perfection, being thin, and dressing “right,” stereotypes about girl’s needing to speak softly, not brag, and assume caretaker roles persist. “Society appears to be making some room for girls to transcend traditional expectations about abilities and aspirations, just as long as they also conform to conventional notions of femininity,” conclude the researchers.
Finally, stereotypes matter because although you may be playing on the same field as men, in a world that sees and treats powerful, successful women differently than it sees and treats powerful, successful men, the rules of the game are not the same—a double standard that played out on an international stage during the historic 2008 United States presidential primary election as two ambitious women battled for the number one and number two jobs in the country.
In a New York Times critique of the media’s treatment of Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, Judith Warner cites ample evidence of what British columnist Andrew Stephen referred to as a time of “gloating, unshackled sexism of the ugliest kind.” Something Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin would likewise discover when she entered the race a few months later.
None of this was lost on young people. The election is long over, but the consequences may be felt for some time to come. Pre- and postelection surveys conducted by Girl Scouts of the USA showed that the election had significantly increased both girls’ and boys’ appreciation for the difficulties women face. Girls of course were the most disheartened. Following the election, a majority of girls now believe it’s more difficult for a woman than a man to become a leader and fewer believe they have an equal shot at a leadership position. Can you blame them? “Clearly, in an age when the dangers and indignities of Driving While Black are well-acknowledged, and properly condemned,” writes Warner, “ ‘Striving While Female’—if it goes too far and looks too real—is still held to be a crime.”30
Connecting the Dots to Your Life
The poet Adrienne Rich writes, “The most notable fact that culture imprints on women is the sense of our limits. The most important thing one woman can do for another is to illuminate and expand her sense of actual possibilities.”31 Striving while female may not always be easy, but it is worth it. Despite the higher bar and additional hoops, women have made and continue to make their mark everywhere from the Senate floor to the trading floor, the boardroom to the operating room, the tennis court to the Supreme Court. And so can you.
By far the best defense against the confidence-zapping effects of stereotypes is self-awareness. We were all, men and women alike, raised to see the same behavior differently depending on gender. When you are having an impostor moment, be aware of how stereotypes may affect how you see yourself. Be aware too of ways you may inadvertently reinforce certain stereotypes about yourself or other women. For instance, even when you “know better,” do you expect a female manager or physician to be more caring or empathetic? Are there other ways you expect more from women than men or are more critical of women who demonstrate more traditionally male behaviors? When you see a powerful woman on television, is your first thought, What’s up with her hair?
This is important because as easy as it would be to blame all of this on male bias, the sad reality is that in each of the studies cited here, women held other women to a higher standard as well. Be aware too that precisely because sexism and racism are often subtle, you can suck up a lot of energy trying to suss out whether what’s happening is a function of bias, office politics, or simply bad manners. Regardless of the source, you’re going to have to decide which battles to fight and which to let go. Some battles can and should be fought. But sometimes you may need to walk away and save your energy for another day. When confronted with gender bias, ask yourself:
How important is it? If the answer is not very, then let it go.
If it is important, ask, “Is there anything I can do about it?” If the answer is no, let it go.
If the answer is yes, ask, “Would the likely outcome be worth it?” If so, go for it. If not, let it go.
The Bottom Line
Remember the wise words of Eleanor Roosevelt: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Despite all the gains women have made, the essential truth remains: If you are male or pale, you are presumed competent until proven otherwise. Much of the bias against female competence—bias held by both men and women—is subtle and largely unintentional. But that does not mean it’s trivial or inconsequential.
Succeeding in any endeavor or field takes hard work, determination, and patience. Making it as a woman requires this and more. On top of being aware of the ways you hold yourself back, be mindful of the subtle and not-so-subtle ways external realities can whittle away at your self-confidence.
Your impostor experience may feel deeply personal, but there is a larger social context. Knowing this can help you connect the dots between what’s happening out there and your own false sense of inadequacy.
What You Can Do
Stay alert to the ways in which society as a whole views female competence negatively.
Take questions about female competence seriously but not personally.
Look for ways you may collude in devaluing or stereotyping yourself and other women.
What’s Ahead
There is more to your impostor story than what’s going on “out there.” It’s time to take a more inward look at how the impostor syndrome plays out in your life.
[4]
Hiding Out
At any time I still expect that the no-talent police will come and arrest me.
—Mike Myers
If you believe that up until now you’ve somehow managed to fool people into thinking you’re smarter or more talented than you “really” are, then what’s your number one fear going to be? Being found out, right? Perpetually waiting to be “outed” as an impostor is stressful and exhausting. So naturally you have to find ways to manage the stress of being found guilty of the crime of impersonating a competent person. No surprise there. But have you ever stopped to consider how you go about doing that exactly?
You’ve managed to escape detection for so long, you’re probably not even aware of how automatic or well rehearsed your defensive behaviors truly are. Or that these behaviors have implications that go beyond avoiding detection. That is, until today. Together we are going to shine a spotlight on that person you have cast all these years as an impostor, a fake, and a fraud. The insight you will gain will prove helpful in developing healthier ways of dealing with and ultimately eliminating your fraud fears.
Seven Ways Impostors Try to Stay One Step Ahead of the “No-Talent Police”
You did not choose to feel like an impostor. But whether you know it or not, you have found a way to handle it. In fact, there are at least seven ways people with the impostor syndrome have unconsciously learned to both manage the anxiety of feeling like a fake and to make sure they remain safely undercover. The codiscoverers of the impostor phenomenon, Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes, along with various collaborators, point to four
coping and protecting mechanisms: diligence and hard work, holding back, charm, and procrastination.1 In my own work I’ve observed three more: maintaining a low or ever-changing profile, never finishing, and self-sabotage. As you read through the descriptions, pay close attention to the one that speaks most directly to you. This information will come in handy shortly.
Overpreparing and Hard Work
In the mid-eighties, I and several others were invited to appear on a Boston-area television show to talk about the impostor syndrome. One of the guests was a medical student named Karen. Toward the end of the show the host turned to Karen and said, “But, Karen, you’re in medical school, so you’re obviously intelligent.” Without missing a beat, Karen replied, “Not really. I just work harder than everybody else.”
If you believe everyone around you is inherently more intelligent or capable, then one way to avoid detection is to rely on extraordinary effort to cover up your supposed ineptness. To be clear: This is different from good old-fashioned hard work. No one gets to where she is without working for it, and that includes you. What we’re talking about here is doing things like obsessing about every aspect of a minor presentation or studying and restudying material you have already mastered. Such behavior is driven by the belief that the only reason you’re successful is because of your Herculean effort. So, every aspect of your work is approached as if it were crucial.
Non-impostors who work hard do so because that’s what’s required to get the job done. When their diligence pays off, it enhances their confidence. But when your work pays off, you mostly feel relief. Because your efforts are motivated by an underlying sense of phoniness, say Clance and Imes, any good feelings you have following a success are short-lived.
Being a workaholic is a difficult cycle to break. In addition to protecting you, this strategy actually contributes to your success. When you stay later, study harder, or practice longer than the people around you, obviously you have a greater chance of doing well. So in that regard, diligence does “work.” However, the anxiety that fuels your behavior remains untouched.
That certainly was Joyce Roché’s experience. The former president and CEO of Girls Inc. grew up one of eleven children in a working-class family. After earning her graduate degree from Columbia University, she quickly became a rising star at Avon and Revlon. To go so far so fast in the 1970s was remarkable for any woman. It was even more so for an African American. Looking back on the fourteen-hour days she put in as she ascended to senior management, Roché realized that the reason the glow of success wore off so soon was that “somewhere, deep inside, you don’t believe what they say … The threat of failure scares you into these long hours. Yet success only intensifies the fear of discovery.”2
The other thing about hard work is that it can be quantified. We already know that you don’t credit yourself for less tangible measures of competence, such as talent or intelligence. But you can count how many hours you’re logging. And so can everyone around you. You think, I may not know what the hell I’m doing, but at least no one can fault me for not giving 150 percent. Once on the workaholic treadmill, it’s terribly hard to get off because you believe it’s the sole reason for your success. And the longer you continue to succeed, the less apt people are to find out that you’re a fraud.
You may wonder, Who doesn’t feel overworked these days? If you’re having trouble telling whether your own pattern of overpreparation and hard work is simply what the situation calls for or if it’s doing double duty to cover for your impostorism, apply the gut test. If it’s telling you, “That’s me!” trust that it is.
Holding Back
As a protecting device, holding back can take many forms. For example, if you’re not a fan of hard work, then you may try to skirt detection by doing precisely the opposite. Low-effort syndrome, as psychologists refer to it, is commonly seen among bright teenagers who steadfastly refuse to apply themselves. But adults use it too. You know you could achieve more, but you don’t. The unconscious thinking here is If I’m going to fail, better people think it’s because I’m lazy than because I’m stupid. Besides, the less reason you give people to judge your performance, the less chance you’ll be judged.
Part of you understands that expending effort to achieve a goal also makes you vulnerable. After all, what if you put in all that time and energy to build a business or study for the boards and you still fail? No, it’s far less painful not to try than to expose yourself to others’ judgment of your work and risk falling short. Plus, if you never really give it your best shot, you can always claim (if only to yourself) that you could have been a great writer, artist, leader, or lawyer—that is, if you’d really tried.
Of course many impostors do try. Still, you may hold back in other ways, like taking yourself out of the running for promotions, shying away from honors classes, or avoiding anything that makes you too vulnerable. Holding back can also take the form of what Clance and Imes refer to as “intellectual inauthenticity.” You remain silent in the face of opposing opinions. Or you attempt to figure out (or suck up to) hiring managers or higher-ups by telling them what they most want to hear.
As a student you may gear your research to complement and endorse your advisor’s own work and opinions or otherwise engage in “intellectual flattery” to impress those in a position to judge your competence. Even if you don’t skew your research, you may still verbally flatter your advisor, figuring it’s harder to be critical of someone they like. The problem is, rather than feeling proud of your success, you wind up feeling like a phony. Secretly you wonder, Would they think I was so great if I were really myself?
Maintaining a Low or Ever-Changing Profile
You can be highly successful and still try to shield yourself from scrutiny by finding ways to maintain a low profile. You may have unconsciously chosen a field or a career that allows you to work autonomously or otherwise be relatively inconspicuous. For instance, you may have been drawn to self-employment in part because it allows you to circumvent the kind of supervision and routine evaluation employees must undergo. You think, Sure I’m successful running my own business, but if I had to get a job, who would hire me? If your company does require a public face, you may decline interviews and speaking engagements or designate someone else to be the out-in-front person.
If you work in a job or field where it’s impossible to remain safely under the radar, you have to find another way to take care of yourself. So you unconsciously adopt an ever-changing profile. As an impostor you feel like you have a big target on your back. What better way to dodge those you believe have overestimated your abilities than to make yourself a moving target? As a student you do things like regularly switch majors, advisors, or research topics, or you become a perpetual job hopper or career changer—not as a logical career move but as a defense mechanism. I once read about a hospital president who was in the habit of moving on every three years because that was how long he figured it would take the current board to figure out that he was an impostor.
Use of Charm or Perceptiveness to Win Approval
A part of you feels inadequate. But another part of you believes you’re quite remarkable. If only you could find the right person to recognize your brilliance and then help you embrace it too. Once you find someone you admire, you use your social skills to impress him in hopes that he will see you as “intellectually special.” The problem, say Clance and Imes, is that if your efforts are successful, then you dismiss his feedback, believing that the only reason he thinks you’re special is because he likes you. Plus, in your mind, the fact that you even need outside validation just reinforces the fact that you are a fraud.
Another way I’ve seen personality come into play is the calculated use of humor. If you are blessed with a quick wit, you may have come to rely on it as a way of deflecting attention away from those aspects of yourself where you feel most fraudulent, such as your intellect. As one sales representative told me, “I figure if I can just keep ’
em laughing, maybe they won’t see that I don’t have a clue.” But when you do manage to impress, you feel like a phony.
Procrastination
Everyone procrastinates from time to time. When you feel like an impostor, though, it can also be a way to put off whatever situation you fear will lead to your eventual undoing. If you’re self-employed or in school, there’s a good chance that procrastination is your coping mechanism of choice. After all, it’s a lot easier to drag your feet when you’re accountable primarily to yourself. When I was a graduate student not only did I have the cleanest house in Amherst, Massachusetts, but every room of my rental needed to be painted personally by me.
You tell yourself it’s because you “work best under pressure.” And maybe you do. But you also know that when you leave important things until the last minute, there’s greater chance that quality will suffer. On an unconscious level, Clance says, procrastination is a way to give yourself an out. Take Kate, a bright political science major who desperately wanted to land a coveted internship in Washington. To earn a spot required completing a lengthy application, which included writing a heady essay. Kate had months to work on it. But instead she waited until the very last minute, literally dashing it off the day before the deadline and popping it into overnight mail. She didn’t get the internship.
Kate probably wasn’t deliberately trying to blow her chance. However, once she did fail, her procrastination provided a built-in excuse because she could tell herself, I’m disappointed, but hardly surprised. After all, I just whipped it off at the last minute. But here’s the kicker. If she had managed to pull it off, she wouldn’t have felt deserving because she knew the application did not reflect her best efforts. For the chronic procrastinator, the resulting success just reinforces your belief that you fooled them again.
The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women: Why Capable People Suffer from the Impostor Syndrome and How to Thrive in Spite of It Page 7
