by Sam Ryan
Madilyn could not help but smile in amusement. She went to move her hands off the armrest and place them in her lap when she noticed that her left hand was being held in place. She looked down and saw that Sophia was absently resting her hand on top of hers, lightly gripping it. Looking up at Sophia’s face, Madilyn could not tell if her grabbing Madilyn’s hand had been intentional or reflex, but she was also not about to pull away.
Suddenly Madilyn’s chest began pounding even harder than before and the sweat had now turned into a cold sweat, making her shift uncomfortably in her chair.
What was wrong with her? Was she sick? Jezebel’s words from before then rang in her mind. She had told Madilyn to think on why she was the happiest when she was around Sophia.
Was she really the happiest when she was around Sophia? Madilyn would not deny that she probably felt happier currently than she had in years, but that was not necessarily because of Sophia. Sure, Sophia was a big part of it. But she would like to think that it was because Madilyn was finally finding a place where she not only felt like she belonged, but also welcomed and wanted. But then, that was also in no small part because of Sophia.
Sophia had been the one to accept Madilyn. Both as a knight and as a woman. Sophia had also been a pillar of strength for Madilyn. It had been Sophia who had pulled her out of her despair and showed her life purpose again. But even still, Sophia did not seem to be out to save or change Madilyn. She was just there, helping her when she needed it. Never asking for anything in return.
Madilyn turned her head, looking at Sophia sitting next to her. She was still translating the songs but Madilyn could no longer hear her. The sound of her own heartbeat drowning out Sophia’s words. Her chest had become so tight she found it hard to even breathe.
Why did she suddenly feel this way? What was it about Sophia that made her want to hold on to her hand and never let go? Madilyn swallowed as she tried to think of answers to all those question. But she found all she could really focus on was Sophia.
On Sophia’s face. On her deep brown eyes hidden under black vail. On her long eyelashes and how they seemed to flutter every time she blinked. How her lips moved when she spoke, and how the pink lipstick made them glisten in the dim lighting of the theater.
Sophia noticed Madilyn staring at her and began turning her head. Her lips drawing closer and coming more into view. Madilyn had already been slowly leaning in so she could better look at her captivating features and at that point it was only a few more inches for their lips to meet.
Madilyn could feel Sophia tense up from the surprise of the kiss, and no one was more surprised that they were kissing than Madilyn was. She thought about pulling away, already trying to think up an apology. Then she felt Sophia’s body relax as her hand reached up and grab the back of Madilyn’s neck. Her smooth lace gloves rubbing against Madilyn’s skin. In that moment Madilyn no longer wanted to pull away. She wanted the kiss to last forever.
Closing her eyes, everything suddenly became clear. The thing that everyone else had seemed to have figured out ages ago. That Madilyn was in love with Sophia. And from the way Sophia was reacting, maybe she too had feelings for her.
They both pulled away ever so slightly, trying to catch their breath.
“We shouldn’t be doing this,” Madilyn said, trying to regain a fragment of her senses.
“You want to stop?” Sophia asked politely, though she did not sound like she believed or wanted that.
Madilyn closed her eyes. If she were to look at Sophia now she would lose the little composure she had regained. Why did her eyes have to be so captivating?
“We have a mission,” Madilyn reminded, opening her eyes to try and show her determination. “We have to meet our contact.”
“We already have,” Sophia said. Her eyes were closed, as if she were begging for Madilyn to continue their kiss. She held up the program that was still in her lap. Without looking, she opened it with her thumb, showing Madilyn the inside of it for the first time. Written across the print were thick words in a language that Madilyn did not understand. It was obvious that the words were not a part of the original program and had been written in by hand. “It gives a time and a place, tomorrow afternoon. But I wanted to stay and watch the performance.”
That was all Madilyn needed to hear before leaning back in and kissing Sophia once more with a reinvigorated passion. Sophia dropped the program, using her now free hand to grab onto Madilyn, trying to draw her in even closer as she returned the kiss.
In that moment Madilyn thought nothing about Lear, about being a knight, their mission to prevent a war, or saving Tara. The only thing Madilyn could think of in that moment was that Sophia’s lips somehow tasted like honey.
***
“Are you sure about this?” the woman asked, holding the newborn baby in her arms. The woman was simple in both her clothing and appearance but she had a kind face and that was enough for Sophia.
“I am.” Sophia nodded, rubbing her hand down her still swollen belly. She wondered how long that was going to last. She had already put up with the thing for nine months. How much longer did she have to be fat?
“But why?” the woman asked. The look of confusion in her eyes was so earnest. “Is it ‘cause there’s no father?”
“No.” Sophia shook her head. How did she explain to the woman that she simply did not want to be a mother? She had never met a person that she had loved enough that she would ever consider settling down with. If anything, to her this child was merely an inconvenience. But she was not about to tell this woman all of that. “You and your husband deserve to have a family. You want to have a family. I don’t fit either of those requirements. So I think it only fair that you get to have one.”
The woman pursed her lips together as she bounced the sleeping child in her arms. She was not satisfied with Sophia’s answer but considering how desperately hard her and her husband had been trying and failing to conceive, she was not about to press to hard.
“Have you given him a name?” the woman asked.
“No.” Sophia shook her head. “His parents should have that honor. Not me.” Sophia gave the woman a smile and turned to leave. She was more than ready to put this village behind her. She had already lingered here for five months, waiting for the baby to be born.
“Just so you know,” the woman called after her. “If ever you wish to come and see him, you are more than welcome.”
“Thank you.” Sophia smiled, giving the woman a final nod of goodbye. “But I don’t think that is ever going to happen.”
But that had been a lie. In the years to follow, she often found herself wondering about her son and what had become of him. She even found herself continuously ending up in the general area of that village. Finally, when she could no longer take it, she set off for the village. Her plan was to pose as her own daughter, and her son’s younger sister. She figured that would be a reasonable enough cover to explain her age.
As she headed for the village, she found excitement growing inside of her. She wondered what his name was. What he had done with his life? She was sure he was married by now. Probably had half a dozen kids. She wondered what sort of job he had. If she remembered correctly, the husband was a baker, so maybe he was too. Perhaps the two of them would cooks something together.
Her excitement was shattered when Sophia reached the village. She only had to ask one or two people before she was pointed to the village cemetery. It turned out that a few years after Sophia had left, a nasty illness swept through the village. Most of the adults who caught it eventually recovered, but the children and the infants were not so fortunate.
She stood in front of that tombstone for hours, unable to move or look away. She felt numb as she stared at the name engraved across the front and the epitaph written underneath.
Eric. Beloved son. You made our family whole.
Sophia had left after that, not caring that by that point it was almost nightfall. She wandered for decades after leaving th
at town. She had no destination in mind, she only walked from one place to another, never staying for very long. She was haunted by the thought that if she had taken Eric with her. That if she had not left him. Had she even come to visit him. Maybe he would still be alive.
The child that she had once tried to cast off and forget was now going to be with her for the rest of her life. And for the first time, she feared what having a long life would actually mean.
But something had changed in Sophia after that. For the first time there was a longing inside of her. A longing for something more than the life that she had. She could still remember the excitement she felt when she had thought about spending time with her son. And for the first time, the idea of settling down with someone and having a family did not seem so bad. If anything, she grew to long for that. Long for what so many people naturally had.
It was probably for that reason that she did not shy away when she met the man who would later become her first husband. And their time together had been filled with more excitement and joy than any of Sophia’s previous two hundred years of life.
But Sophia had never named any of her children Eric. That was a name reserved for only one. The one that she had failed to love. She had sworn on his name never to do that again. To never shy away from her feelings. To embrace love when she found it and to hold on to it with all she had. Because Eric had also taught her that life was fleeting and fragile, and sometimes there were no second chances.
“Where do you go?” Madilyn asked in a soft voice, coxing Sophia out of her memories. “When your eyes go away like that?”
Sophia looked over at the naked woman lying in the bed next to her. Their faces so close that they were nearly touching.
“Sorry.” Sophia gave her a smile, gently stroking Madilyn’s shoulder with her thumb. “You were sleeping and I let my mind wander to things from long ago.”
“You looked sad,” Madilyn said. “Are all your memories sad ones?”
“No,” Sophia said, grabbing one of Madilyn’s hand and kissing the back of it. “But mistakes and regrets have a way of lingering.”
The trip from the theater back to the Iron Rose had been a quiet one. They had not bothered to wait until the end of the play before leaving, saying naught a word to each other as they found a carriage and rode back to the airdock. They had however, sat shoulder to shoulder, their fingers entwined with each other’s as they sat.
To no one’s surprise, Clementine and Elena were already waiting for them at the Rabbit. Neither of them said a word as they took off and flew back to the Iron Rose. Handing the program to Elena, Sophia had practically dragged Madilyn back to Madilyn’s cabin, where they began expressing their realized affection for each other in earnest.
The bed was small and did not offer much room and even as they lay on their sides facing one another, with their breasts pressed together, and their legs wrapped around each other’s, there was still little space left on the bed. And Sophia could not have been gladder for it.
“Must be hard,” Madilyn said. Her voice soft. Her thumb gently caressed the back of Sophia’s hand as she spoke. “To think you have lived for a thousand years. I still have trouble really imagining it. If we said those years were days, then to you my life isn’t even a day. Not even half a day if you just compare the time that we would know each other. Kind of like pets I imagine.”
“Was that supposed to be some kind of kinky offer there,” Sophia teased, rubbing her legs against Madilyn’s.
“No.” Madilyn smiled with an eye roll, but she rubbed Sophia’s legs right back. “I mean at how short lived we are. Take a dog for example. We love them and cherish their companionship, but they grow old and die so quickly. We mourn their passing but then we move on to the next one. We forget about our previous dog, except for those few times we groan and say how much we miss them and think about the fun times we shared. But it’s not like we are truly ever heartbroken that they are gone, otherwise we would stop getting new dogs.”
“Did you have a lot of dogs growing up?” Sophia asked.
“Not the point,” Madilyn said, shooting Sophia an annoyed look.
“I know.” Sophia smiled, scooching even closer so their noses almost touched. “But you’re wrong.” Sophia stroked the hair out of Madilyn’s face. “The reason a person can get a new pet is not because they are so easily replaced. It is because they have left a longing in your heart. Love is not lonely or hateful. It’s the loss of love that makes you feel that way.”
Madilyn smiled as she quietly listened to Sophia ramble. She was waxing philosophically again but she felt she needed Madilyn to understand. She did not want Madilyn to think that her feelings would be some fleeting thing that would one day be forgotten or over ridden by someone else.
“I think I forgot that somewhere along the way,” Sophia said, looking down in shame. “I hated the feeling of losing people close to me. I was consumed with the sorrow of their loss. To the point where I refused to ever love again. But I realize now that the reason why it hurt so much to lose them is because of how much happiness they gave me when they were here, and the sadness that followed was the pain from losing that happiness. To live without feeling that joy or that sadness, can we really call that living?”
Madilyn quirked a smile, slowly blinking her eyes. Eyes that Sophia was ready to get lost in. How had she not noticed her beautiful eyes before? How blind had she been? She had locked her heart away so deep into her chest she had refused to let anyone near it, and had blinded herself to the world around her. The very thing Sophia had warned Madilyn not to do back in New Dentin.
“So then what happens now?” Madilyn asked.
“I’m in no hurry to go back to my cabin.” Sophia shrugged.
“Not what I mean,” Madilyn said, letting out a sigh. “I mean about us?” she asked, looking up at Sophia.
“I guess that is up to you,” Sophia said. “If you stay with me, I’m sure it will ruin any plans you had for your life. We won’t be able to have children. We won’t grow old together. I will stay young, while you wither away and die. Is that something you can really live with? Is that really what you want from your life? More than a few people I have been with grow to resent me when they become old and frail and see that I am still young.” She cut herself off from saying anything more on that subject.
“It is true.” Madilyn nodded. “When I pictured how my life would play out, I imagined having a husband, several kids. Us playing with our children in the grass, maybe even teaching them how to use a sword. Having my daughter sit in my lap while I read to her fantasy stories. Watching them as they grew up, and find happiness of their own. Be it by getting married, or maybe becoming knights themselves.” Madilyn’s eyes drifted off as she spoke, a warm smile on her face as she thought it all out.
Sophia reached out and stroked Madilyn’s cheek with her thumb. “It sounds like a wonderful dream.” She smiled. “And I would never want to stand in the way of that.”
Madilyn pursed her lips together, not saying anything. Giving her a reassuring smile, Sophia pulled Madilyn in close and rested her forehead against her chest.
“It’s alright,” Sophia whispered. “Let’s see this through until the end. After that, I can be in your life as much or as little as you want me to be.”
Madilyn wrapped her arm around Sophia, digging her nails into her skin as she buried her face into Sophia’s chest. “But won’t being with me make you happy?” she asked.
“Of course it would,” Sophia said in a soft voice. “But I will live on. I will be able to find happiness some other way. You only have this one life, and I refuse to be selfish with it. You must find what makes you happy and that will in turn make me happy.”
There was a knock at the door, though it was only a curtsy knock as it immediately opened. Sophia turned over in the bed to see who it was, as she did so she instinctively grabbed the blanket around their hips and pulled it up to cover themselves.
Jezebel stood in the
doorway looking at the two. Her eyes were cold and her face was expressionless. Not the face Sophia would have expected given the sight in front of her.
“Get dressed,” Jezebel said. Her tone of voice making it clear there was no room for discussion. “We need you in the Ready Room right now.”
“Why?” Sophia said, staring to get worried. “Did something happen?”
“Yes,” Jezebel said, closing the door.
Madilyn let out an annoyed groan, blowing onto Sophia’s back. “What do you think that’s all about?” she asked.
“No clue,” Sophia said, taking a deep breath before throwing off the covers. “Guess they found something while scouting out New Albion.”
Sophia sat up from the bed and began collecting her clothes off the ground. She held up the fancy dress that had taken both Clementine and Jezebel’s help putting on. Though far less effort to take off, Sophia thought with a smile. She looked back at Madilyn who was slowly climbing out of the bed, her hair falling down around her face.
“You mind if I borrow some of your clothes?” Sophia asked.
“What?” Madilyn asked, looking up from where she was sitting on the side of the bed. Sophia held up her dress showing it to Madilyn. “Yeah, that’s fine.” Madilyn nodded. “Though you still have to use your own underpants.”
Sophia pretended to give a disappointing moan as she reached into the closet and pulled out a change of clothes, throwing Madilyn her shirt and trousers.
Taking the spare shirt, Sophia slipped it on, letting the fabric hug her almost like a blanket. She could smell Madilyn on the shirt and could almost feel her warmth, like she was actually holding her.
“If you start sniffing my clothes we are done,” Madilyn said, standing up and pulling her trousers up.
Sophia only smiled as she rubbed her arms, blushing slightly. Seemed she had been pretty obvious about her intentions.
Fully dressed, the two of them made their way through the vessel until they arrived at the Ready Room.
Giving the door a knock, Sophia opened it and stepped inside. Everyone else was already waiting but in the spot she expected to find Max instead there stood another short dark woman with short hair. But instead of the baggy black trousers and suspenders, this woman wore tight fitting travel trousers and a black corset. Down the front of her short bangs was a blond streak that stood out even more against the golden brown hair.
