by Ashley Lyn
There’s a table filled with presents, streamers galore, and what I think is a stage. People are walking around in swimsuits, but they all stop and watch me get out and unhook the kids.
Soon as the kids are out, everyone starts hooting and hollering.
Aiden, who may be spending too much time with Bruce, puts a hand on his hip and cocks it out, while putting his other hand behind his head to pose for the camera that Cleo has around her neck.
Making everyone laugh, Chloe is a bit shyer and hides behind my leg.
That is, until Ali walks out in full princess garb—crown, big poofy dress and all.
“Princess Chloe, my name is Princess Ali, and I would like to welcome you to the Kingdom of Spartan.”
Ali places a crown on her head and takes her hand, leading her around to introduce her to everyone.
I’m leaning against the car when Luke walks up.
“Have you talked to Savannah?” he asks me.
I sigh. “No. I’m freaking pissed at her.”
“Something is going on and I can’t figure out it out. Her phone has been off for days, and Tristan has never sent her on a trip like this.”
“Really?” I put my foot back on the tire of my car and cross my arms. “She told Cleo it was “business,” and yet she hasn’t called anyone. She also “lost” her phone.” I snort.
“Something’s going on. Tristan isn’t talking, either. Called him multiple times until he answered, told me he was busy with an emergency and couldn’t talk. Said he would call back and never did.”
“When I catch up to that girl, I’m tying her ass to a bed and spanking her senseless.”
“TMI, my man. Since we’re talking about my sister and things of the TMI nature, what are your intentions?”
“If I could get her to stop fucking running from me, I plan to marry her. I love her. I already asked your dad a couple weeks ago. I gave her a month, then told her I was coming for her.”
He smacks my shoulder. “Couldn’t be happier for you, but good luck, man. My sister is a handful—impulsive, hardheaded, and a right bitch sometimes. Last time I talked to her, she told me she was packing up her house and shit, training someone at work.”
I look up and see my son strutting out of the house in his swim trunks, and before I can say stop, he starts taking a piss in Willa’s bushes.
“Aiden!”
“What? I’m watering the bushes.”
Everyone laughs and I just groan. Chloe has talked Ali into putting the Frozen soundtrack on and the party gets into full swing.
Luke smacks me on the back. “If I hear from her, I’ll let you know.”
“Same.” I nod to him as he walks off.
I’m trying to focus on the party, but my thoughts are full of worry for Savannah. I was completely in the dark about the problems Jenny was having. I was totally taken off guard when the shit hit the fan. Now Savannah is doing the same thing, and I’m pissed and worried. Taking a deep breath, I force my attention back on the party.
I look up just in time to see Aiden running at me full speed. Catching him in my arms, I tickle him, making him wiggle and laugh.
I hang him upside down. “What do you want, boy?”
“I want to slip and slide, but I’m nervous to go alone. Will you go with me?”
I set him down and pull my shirt off. I already have swim trunks on, so I pick him and get over to the Slip ’N Slide.
Willa is there, spraying the slide down. We sit down and I put him on my lap and start scooting until we slide down. His laughter is infectious. It’s uncontrollable, and he’s so freaking happy. We get to the bottom and both of us are laughing hard.
Getting out of the base pool, we both stand next to it and look up to see Ali in full princess regalia, sliding down as well.
When she hits the base pool, her dress snags on something behind her and she face plants into the base pool.
She sits up, sputtering, hair a mess, and her crown on crooked. And what does she do? She winks.
“Welcome to Spartan, Aiden.”
She should have, however, been paying attention because Luke comes down on his stomach, and just as she stands up, he rams into her like a bowling ball, knocking her back in the water yet again.
“You jackass! You’re supposed to wait until the pool in empty.”
Luke just laughs and pulls her back down again.
Aiden and I make our way back up the hill and into beautiful chaos. Bruce is belting out “Let It Go” on the stage with a microphone, and surprisingly dressed in regular board shorts.
When my parents pull up and my mom gets out, Aiden and Chloe both tackle her. I look around, so fucking happy to live here with the family of my choosing, my children, and my parents. Only thing missing is Savannah, and for that, I have a plan. I smile wickedly before heading over to the pie eating contest.
“I love him so much. I just want to wrap myself around him and kiss his beautiful face,” I slur, swinging my head to look at Dick. His name is Richard, something he has shoved down my throat when I got here. Apparently, Tristan calling him Dick is something that bugs him.
“But I stepped in it big time. He already went ten rounds with these fuckers and lost his wife. I’m not dragging him back in, I love him so much. Not calling him and telling him what’s going on is killing me. I’m moving to Spartan and shacking up with him when all this shit is over. Then I’m going to ask him to marry me and put babies in my belly.” I burst into tears when I think about how cute our babies will be.
“We’re going to create beautiful children!” I start wailing. “He’s going to spank me so hard when he finds out exactly what’s going on.” I put my hands over my ass and rub my butt cheeks.
Dick groans. “All right, woman, listen the fuck up! No more wine, no more talking. Tristan owes me for this, because you’re the most annoying woman on the planet. You never shut up, always crying and shit. Then you “organized” my shit. I had a system. It was mine and I loved it.”
He stomps away, and tears gather in my eyes and I sniffle, “But…”
“No buts. You’re acting like a whiney bitch. I know you’re probably not usually like this, but there it is. Now, please shut up while I call Tristan.”
A tissue box comes flying at me and hits me in the arm, which just causes me to burst into tears again.
“Tristan, you fucker! Come pick this woman up! She cries half the time, drunk a quarter of the time, and god damn annoying the other quarter. I’m tapping out, I’m done.”
I throw the tissue box back at him, catching him right in the side of the head. “You suck, Dick,” I yell at him, then I start laughing. “That’s what she said,” I say, in-between laughing.
“She’s on the next plane out, period.”
I turn around and hang upside down on the couch. “What are you doing, Dick?”
He grumbles something I can’t understand. “Are you okay? You look like you’re curving to the left a little.”
He swallows a laugh, I know he does. “It’s okay, Dick, you can laugh. I’m funny. Just promise that if you get too excited, don’t cuuummm near me.”
Tears are literally streaming down my face, I’m laughing so hard.
He stands up like he’s going to come over and strangle me, but he sits back down, and I can’t help it. “What’s wrong, Dick? Can’t get it up?”
He hangs up the phone and jumps up. “You’re on the first flight out in the morning. Pack your bags, princess. Tristan said the shit will be cleaned up tonight, so you’re free to go home tomorrow.”
He turns around and glares at me when I sniffle. Bringing his hands up, he acts like he’s strangling me.
I blow him a kiss and head back to the spare room to pack and pass out.
I screech when the covers are jerked off my body and the light flips on. “Get up, Sleeping Beauty. Time to go home.”
“Fuck you, just ten more minutes.”
“No. Next time I come in here, you better be dressed
and waiting or I’m going to drag you to the airport exactly how you are, dumbass pajamas and all.”
“It’s called a onesie, and Shamus thinks I look sexy in them.”
“Then that man is just as nuts as you are.”
I try and roll away from him, but don’t gauge where exactly I’m at in the bed, so I roll onto the floor. I lay there for a minute, eyes closed, listening to the jackass laugh. I flip him off, which just makes him laugh harder since the only thing he can probably see is my middle finger.
Getting up, I go into the spare bathroom and get cleaned up and dressed. I’m both looking forward to and dreading going home.
I have never in my life been more exhausted. New York sucked major balls. Dick was a dick, and I was missing my family, and anxious to talk to Shamus. I have plans to stop in Spartan before I go home and start packing up my house. I’m choosing to think positive, and making mental plans to move here is part of that.
Pulling up to Luke and Ali’s, Luke is on the front porch in one of the rockers. I practically drag myself out of my car, and I literally fall face-first into the lounge chair. He kicks my foot so I roll my exhausted meat bag over. I sit up and he hands me a cup of coffee and just sits there. He knows it takes me a while to collect my thoughts.
“I’m in love with Shamus and the kids. I don’t want to go home; I just want to stay here in Spartan. I want Mom and Dad to pack up my house and ship everything here for me.”
“What does Shamus have to say about that?”
“I just got here. I haven’t spoken to him since the incident at Bailey’s. I didn’t think that was a conversation to have over the phone.”
“You could’ve at least answered one of his calls, Savannah. You don’t have to have “the big talk” over the phone, but you could have at least answered.”
“Actually, I couldn’t. Tristan told me to keep my phone off so no one could track it.”
“What’s fucking going on, Savannah?”
“I messed up and kicked a hornet’s nest, getting myself on the radar of the Skin Slingers. Tristan sent me to New York for my safety. I can’t get into specifics just yet, at least not until I get the all clear from Tristan.”
“What the actual fuck!”
“I know.”
“Savannah,” he groans.
“I know, Luke. Trust me, I’ve raked myself over the coals about it enough for the entire family. Just lay off, okay?”
He pulls me up and hugs the shit out of me. “Don’t fucking scare me like that. I’ve only got one sister I like, and that’s you.”
I smack his arm. “Shut up, you love all of us.”
“Eh, maybe.” He smiles, then bursts out laughing when an unholy scream rents the air. He’s laughing so hard, he’s snorting.
Ali comes storming out of the house covered in baby powder, and when I say covered, I mean her face is plastered white, with no hint of her usual skin tone. Even her hair is caked in the stuff. She’s also topless, and wearing a cute pair of pink, lacy underwear.
She’s glaring at Luke. “You low-down dirty, lint licking, soul sucking piece of shit! You think this is funny, Luke? You just wait, husband of mine. Payback is a bitch!”
“I like your underwear, Ali,” I tell her with a smile. She smiles back and gives me a little twirl.
“I ordered them from this kick ass online store. I’ll send you the link.” She winks at me and glares at Luke as she points her finger at him. “What the hell did you do?”
He’s wiping his tears of laughter on his sleeve. “I poured an entire bottle of baby powder in your blow dryer.”
“You better watch your back, Mister, because I will be raining hell down on your ass for this.”
Luke opens his mouth like he’s going to say something, and Ali shooshes him, making him laugh even more.
“I’ll be out in a minute, Sav, and we can go over to Moms. I have to pick up some stuff of mine they found when they were clearing out the attic. Then, when we get back, me and you are having a discussion.”
She sails back into the house. Luke is still laughing when he gets up and tries the door, but I’m now the one who’s laughing when he realizes it’s locked. He goes around the back and I crack up when he starts cursing and hollering.
He comes back to the front of the house and sits next to me. “She’s going to pay you back so hard. I think you started something that you had no business starting, Luke.”
He just grins. “Yeah, but the make up sex…” He wags his eyebrows, and I gag.
It takes Ali a good half hour to finish getting ready. When she comes outside, I choke on my coffee. She has on cut off shorts that are so short, I swear to God I can see her vagina. She has on a white halter style bikini and black FMPs. Luke is literally swearing up a storm and turns to me. “You’re going to have to come back later, Sav.” He turns back around and Ali is gone, sitting in my car, pleased as punch. He tries the door and it’s locked.
Ali rolls the window down. “I left the front window unlocked.” Before he blows up, I practially sprint to the car. We sit in the car and watch him stand there in his robe and fuzzy slippers, hands on hips hips, glaring at the tiny window.
He shoves the glass up and tries to balance on the rocking chair. Once he gets his head and arms in, he starts wiggling his way through. The robe has ridden up, and all we see is his bright, white bare ass sticking up. He must be pushing on the wall inside because his upper half lifts and he’s back to wiggling. I swear to Christ, I’m pissing my pants watching this.
He finally gets most of his body through the window, then falls the rest of the way in. Standing up inside the house, he flips us off through the window.
I take a moment and calm myself down. There’s no way can I drive laughing like this. I glance over at Ali and she’s fiddling with her phone.
“Oh my God, please tell me you got that on video.”
“Hell yes. I’ve also just sent it to half the town.”
Pulling out of the driveway, cheeks wet from happy tears, we head to Cleo and Margo’s when Ali’s phone dings, and she reads what Parker sent. We both crack up again.
Po Po: Please cancel my subscription to your weird ass foreplay. Luke’s white ass isn’t something I want to see first thing in the morning.
The text messages are coming in rapid fire, each one better than the last, until Luke’s takes the cake.
Ali busts up laughing, and I glance at her phone and freak out when I see a dick surrounded by a shredded pair of underwear.
“What the fuck, Ali! Pleeease tell me that wasn’t Luke.”
“That was Luke. He hates free balling, says his low hangers stick to his legs, so I cut the crotch out of all his underwear.”
We pull up to Margo and Cleo’s house, and they’re both on the porch looking at their phones, cracking up laughing.
We get out of the car and head up to the house. I’m beginning to think that even if Shamus and I don’t work out, I still might move to Spartan. I haven’t felt this relaxed in a long time.
“Working on some serious thoughts, Savannah,” Margo says. I give her a tight smile. “This doesn’t have anything to do with a certain Irish man, does it?” she asks me.
“Yes and no.” Sitting down, I put my head in my hands. “I did something dumb. Got caught up in some dangerous shit. The kind of shit Shamus just dragged himself out of. I couldn’t call him because Tristan told me to keep what was going on on the down-low. He called and said they cleaned up my mess last night.”
“It’ll be a fine, baby girl. I promise, everything will work out; I’m sure of it.”
My phone beeps and I frown.
Boss Man: You need to get your ass home, now.
My gut clenches; something is wrong. Tristan was supposed to fix this shit.
Me and Ali got home from picking up her things and are camped out on the front porch. I glance over and do a double take.
“What is that?” I ask her.
“What is what?” she says
, like there’s not a small animal trying to crawl out of her armpit. I poke her. She lifts both arms up and the amount of armpit hair is staggering. “It’s a chia pet,” she says with a grin.
“You’re growing a chia pet in your armpit?”
“Shut it, woman. I’m married now, so I can let myself go now and then.” We both lapse into silence for a bit. “You think this is bad, you should see the basement. It’s a good thing Luke doesn’t mind a little hide and seek, you know? A little hair with his meal.”
“Oh my God, stop, please.”
“Married life is hairy.” She turns and sits crisscross and crosses her arms. “What are your intentions with Shamus?”
“I love him. We’re going to get married and have babies, and I’m going to live out my days in wedded hairy bliss in Crazy Town, USA. I was going to talk to him when I got here today, but Tristan texted me and told me I had to get back to Denver now. Said to come straight to the office instead of my house, so I’m assuming either the asshole roundup last night didn’t go as planned, or I’m being fired.”
“Shamus loves you, Savannah. That man has so much love in his heart. If a heart could have blue balls, he would be suffering. Although, it wouldn’t be blue balls, they would be red for love, so red balls.”
I can’t help but giggle at that.
“That man wants to squirt his red heart jizz all up in your shit. Shower you in his love, maybe give you a ruby necklace. You know, like a pearl necklace? But with love, the pearl necklace that’s for single chicks and hoes. You’re his girl, his compadre in this existence we call life. Have to class that shit up.”
“You have a screw loose.”
“I have a lot of loose screws, but they’re the fun ones. He’s going to be livid that you didn’t tell him what was going on, though.”
I wince. “I know. I just didn’t want him stressing about it, especially because it all involves the Skin Slingers.”
She takes a drink of her coffee and spews it all over the place. I look at her in shock, then look at the road and choke on my own spit.
