“He carries it with him?”
“Yep, because, as he said, ‘You never know when an opportunity will arise.’” I suggestively raise my eyebrows up and down, just like my date did to me.
Eli’s laughter starts out slow, growing till it barrels into a full-blown belly laugh and tears. That makes me start to laugh until we’re both bent over, holding our stomachs.
“Oh, Lee, as much as I want you to meet a great guy, I am loving these stories. You should write a book.”
“I have been actually.”
He looks at me, surprised, still catching his breath.
“Journaling. It’s part of my therapy. I’m really enjoying it even if it’s just a couple of paragraphs a day.”
He smiles with pride.
I take advantage of the brief silence and ask what’s been weighing heavily on my mind, “So, the wedding. Who is Heath bringing?”
“No one.” When I scrunch my face in doubt, he repeats himself, “I’m serious. It’s just him.”
“Hmm.”
“He mentioned you guys were talking. Is he behaving himself? Or do I need to beat his ass again?”
“No, he’s fine. Wait, beat his . . . what?”
He shuts his eyes slowly and expels a long, exaggerated breath.
“Eli?” When he doesn’t answer, my voice turns stern. “Eli!”
“Okay, relax. Geesh.” He holds his hands up in surrender and then spills out his next words. “He was waiting for me when I got home from Chicago.”
My shoulders lock. “Please tell me you didn’t say anything,” I whisper.
He gives me a pointed look. “Hell no. You’ve got to understand, Lee. When I came back from Chicago, I was physically and emotionally exhausted, and when I saw him in front of my house, I completely lost it and beat the shit out of him. I punched my best friend in the face.” He drops his head, wincing in pain at the thought.
I rub his shoulder. “Oh, Eli.”
“And I would do it again. What he did to you . . .” He shakes his head before continuing. “I was worried at first, but after seeing him with you, I honestly thought that he’d be good for you, Lee. You have to believe me. I never imagined he’d hurt you the way he did. But I want you to know, the reason he’s in my wedding, in my life in any way, is because of what’s happened to him since. Losing you did something to him. He’s not the same selfish asshole he always was. He goes to work, puts in long hours, and then comes home. If we get together, we meet up at his dad’s to play basketball and watch movies. No drinking, no drugs.” He hesitates. “No girls.”
Although it’s none of my business, I can’t deny how relieved I am to hear all of that.
Eli’s voice drops. “Lindsey said he had been sitting in front of our house for hours, waiting for me to get home that day. He didn’t even know what had happened to you, but he was sick about it all the same. And, when I hit him, he never even tried to defend himself. He just lay there and took every hit, like he thought he deserved them.”
We stand in silence, and I watch Eli mindlessly move the food around on the grill.
“So, you know that we’ve been talking a little bit more, on Saturdays when he comes by to cut the grass.”
Eli nods.
“Being able to have a normal conversation with him, it helps. But hearing you say he’s changed for the better . . . I needed to hear that. I want what’s best for him, Eli. What happened between us is done, and I just want him to be happy.”
“And that’s why you’ll always be too good for any guy out there, Lee. Don’t ever forget that.”
Heath
“Does Lindsey want a bow tie or regular tie?” I ask Eli as I hold up one of each.
“She said she didn’t care. It’s up to me.”
When I don’t respond, he turns my direction, not missing my doubtful stare. “What? That’s what she said.”
I shake my head and put the bow tie away.
“Give me a break, dude. It’s the one thing I have a say in.”
“Then, say regular tie, please.” I hand it to him.
He finishes straightening his lapels, and wraps the tie around his neck, focusing on his own reflection. I take a seat on one of the store’s deep leather chairs and watch as he struggles with his knot.
“I saw her this morning. We didn’t talk much, but she looked good. Happier,” I say, changing the subject.
He smooths out the ebony silk that runs down his chest and looks at me through his reflection in the mirror. “She’s dating.”
My eyes wince at his words. That is not what I was expecting him to say. I have to will my voice to work. To say the right thing. “Well, that’s great. Really.”
Eli doesn’t miss my discomfort. “There’s no one serious. Just coffee dates. She’s taking it slow.”
I nod.
“But, Heath, it’s not going to take long for some guy to lock on to how amazing she is. And, when he does . . .”
I nod again—this time, in painful understanding. “Good. I’m glad.”
He stares, assessing how truthful I really am.
“I mean it. I want to see her happy as much as you do.”
Suddenly restless, I rise from my seat in need of a diversion from the weight that’s taken up residence on my chest. I start rifling mindlessly through a rack of sports coats.
“Like I said, they’re just coffee dates. She’s not bringing anyone to the wedding.”
I continue to feign interest in the sea of navy and black in front of me.
“For what it’s worth, she asked about you.”
My body betrays me and twists to face Eli.
“Relax, it was awhile back. Anyway, she just asked what you’d been up to and”—he pauses—“if you were going to bring anyone to the wedding.”
The pressure in my chest lightens as my heartbeat doubles. Even though we’ve become friendly, she continues to hold me at arm’s length. But this is more than I’ve been given in months. And, when you’re desperate for the slightest opening, you wedge your toes in and don’t dare budge.
“Before you start analyzing it, Heath, it doesn’t mean anything, okay? It’s more that she’s made her peace with everything that went on between the two of you, and she’s ready to move on.”
I don’t speak, instead anxiously moving my attention to a stack of shirts.
God, I’m so glad I said no to Lucy. When she asked me to go to the wedding together as friends, I knew what she really meant and didn’t hesitate to tell her no. She took it well, but I didn’t like hurting her. I’ve done enough of that to the people I care about already.
Eli continues, “The important thing is, the old Leah is coming back. She’s put on weight, she seems to be in a good place, and she says she really likes her new job.”
“She got a new job?” I tamp down the hurt that she didn’t tell me herself, but it’s her right to share with me what she wants to.
“Yeah, marketing director for the local library. She’s even talking about buying a house.”
I turn back. “Really? Good for her.” And I mean it.
From the little bit that we talk each week, I’ve seen for myself that she’s looking healthier, lighter. But moving out of her mom’s house and getting her own place? That’s huge.
“If she needs a realtor, let her know I’ve got a number.”
“I will, but I think she and her mom are already supposed to see a couple of houses this weekend. She wants to stay around her mom, but that area has gotten expensive. Looks like she’ll have to settle for a small lot and a fixer-upper. But she’s excited. It will give her and her mom something to do together.”
I think back to when she was helping me look at condos and how cute she was, talking about cabinet space and window treatments. What I’d give to experience that again, but knowing that this time it was all for her.
When we leave, I talk Eli into buying both ties. Who is he kidding?
“Do you have to use the bathroom?” Leah asks
Eli.
“No.”
“Then, stop fidgeting, or I’ll stick you with the pin,” she mumbles as she tugs on his lapel, a pin clasped tightly between her lips. She struggles to hold the boutonniere straight as she inserts the first pin. “No wonder your mom had trouble with this thing. It weighs five pounds.”
Eli’s wedding day is finally here. Thank God. I think it’s safe to say we’re all tired of hearing about eco-friendly confetti and gluten-free dinner options. Let’s not forget the month-long debate over brussels sprouts versus green beans. At least we got out of doing a choreographed dance. I told Eli that’s where I drew the line.
“Lindsey wanted it big, so it’d show in the pictures,” he says with all seriousness.
Leah pauses a second to glance at me. I’m leaning against the wall, arms crossed, the same position I’ve been in since Eli texted her for help. She’s always beautiful, but today, with a copper glow to her skin and her dark blond hair falling in waves down the low back of the strapless dress, I’m thankful for any excuse to stare at her.
“There. That extra pin should do it. Hopefully, you won’t stick her when you go in for the kiss.” She pats him on the shoulder before turning to leave the small back room of the church.
“Hey, Leah. Hold on a sec. I want to talk to you, both of you.”
She steps back, coming in next to me, so we’re side by side in front of Eli. So close, I can see a light dusting of gold shimmer along her bare shoulder.
“I just want you to know how much it means to me that you’re both here. You are two of the most important people in my life, and I wouldn’t be the man I am today without your friendship. I’m so proud of you for moving past everything that’s happened. For a while, I was sure I’d lose you, but I didn’t, and that has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the two of you. And, more than anything, I know that, one day, you’ll each find someone to make you as happy as Lindsey makes me.”
Leah wraps an arm around him on one side while I grip the shoulder on his opposite side, giving him a solid pat as Leah gives him a kiss on the cheek.
“Well,” she says. “Now that we got that out of the way, let’s go get you married.”
With me on Eli's left and Leah on his right, we head out the back room and prepare to do just that.
As the first bridesmaid begins her walk down the aisle, Eli begins to cry. I don’t know how he’s going to make it through the ceremony. I bow my head to hide the short laugh that escapes, and Eli shoots me the side eye.
“Do you need a tissue, Nancy?” I whisper as I bump his arm with my own.
He leans back and whispers something in response, but I don’t hear it. Because every one of my senses is tuned in to one thing and one thing only. The stunning woman walking down the aisle. Leah. She’s smiling brightly with her head held high as she locks eyes with Eli and sees, even from a distance, the tears that fill his eyes. She covers her mouth before a laugh can escape as she approaches her spot with the other bridesmaids.
I watch her mouth to him, I love you, and catch him do the same in return.
I swallow, forcing down the harsh reality that I’ll never hear those words from her again.
As she takes her place and turns toward the guests, she catches my stare. I panic, but just as I expect her to look away, she tilts her chin toward Eli, who pulls the handkerchief from his pocket and wipes his eyes. She shakes her head and brings a hand to her chest, fighting to hold back her laughter, all the while keeping her focus on me. My smile and growing laughter only spur her on until the two of us are standing in front of more than a hundred guests, bent at the waists and laughing hysterically.
Eli is still wiping at his eyes as our laughter spreads to the guests seated in the first few rows. As the crowd settles, Eli takes a visible deep breath and squares his shoulders when the string quartet changes songs, Lindsey’s cue to appear at the end of the aisle. Everything about Eli changes as he takes in his bride-to-be.
I’m so happy for my friend. He deserves every ounce of what this day is about to bring.
The music flows across the high ceiling of the church, and Lindsey takes the first steps into this new chapter of their lives.
Eli and Lindsey just reappeared after vanishing since their first dance. I don’t want to know where they were because I’m sure it involved a coat closet. Good for them.
The band begins a new song, and I recognize it in the first few beats—Eric Clapton’s “Wonderful Tonight.” I take a deep breath and wipe my clammy palms on my jacket.
Just do it. Worst she can say is no.
I cross the room and interrupt the conversation she’s having with Eli’s sisters.
With the lightest touch, I place my hand on her wrist. “Dance with me?”
When the smile she was wearing a moment ago disappears, I brace myself for rejection.
She considers my offer for a few painful seconds, then, with a hesitant smile, she finally answers, “Sure.”
I want more than anything to tangle my fingers around hers and lead her to the dance floor, wrap my arms around her body, and spend the next few hours swaying the night away. But I know that’s just a dream, and I’m thankful to have this one small gift she’s giving me.
Without a word, we take the standard slow-dance position. Her right hand is out to our sides and folded over my left hand as her left hand is lightly holding my upper arm. My right hand rests softly on her hip. It’s the same pose she took with Eli’s uncle, but I couldn’t care less.
We start to step in a comfortable rhythm, as if we’ve done this a thousand times before, and halfway through the song, I feel her body relax into mine. With her warmth radiating around me, my eyes close on their own as I press my cheek to her temple, our bodies continuing to rock to the slow beat of the song. From head to toe, every part of her fits perfectly into every part of me, just like I remember. I savor every second.
As the song hits the final few notes and the rapid techno beats of the next song begins, Leah pulls away and wipes at her face before turning and weaving her way through the crowd that’s now overtaking the dance floor. I follow her every twist and turn through guests and tables, finally catching up with her as she swiftly turns to the right and exits out to the gardens.
“Leah, stop. What’s the matter?”
It’s not until we’re in the darkened silence, surrounded by a wall of tall shrubs, that she stops. When she turns to me, the moonlight glistens against the tears streaming down her face.
“Don’t you feel it, Heath?” Her voice isn’t much more than a pained whisper.
“Feel it?”
“Yes, feel it.” The hurt in her voice matches the pain in her eyes.
I’m missing something here, and if I don’t figure it out soon, I’m going to lose the momentum we’ve made in the last few months. But I’m too late.
“Oh my God. You don’t, do you?” Wiping at her face, she shakes her head and whispers under her breath, “I am such an idiot.”
She storms off, farther into the maze of trees and shrubs, but I finally grab her arm, holding her in place.
“Leah, please, tell me what I’m missing.” I grudgingly drop her arm. “Tell me, so I can make it better.”
Her shoulders rise and fall in defeat as she points toward the hum of the reception. “That should be us in there. We should be having our first dance. We should be buying our first house. We should be talking about our honeymoon and babies . . . but we’re not.”
Her words are a twist of the knife that has been settled in my heart since the day I threw everything away. I want nothing more than to fall to my knees and tell her the truth. That I still love her. That I never stopped. That I live every day with remorse.
“I can’t make you feel something that’s not there,” she mumbles to herself more than me.
I take one step toward her as she protectively takes one step back.
Just tell her how you feel. Say it.
“Leah—”
> She cuts me off, shoulders hunched and eyes pleading, “Why, Heath? We lost so much. We lost everything. You’ve told me you’re sorry, but you never told me why.”
I dig the heels of my hands into my eyes and answer honestly, “I thought you were leaving me. I read your emails and saw the paperwork in your bag. You were going to leave. So, I—”
Her voice low, she cuts me off, “So, you left me before I could leave you.” Her hands rise to her hips as she looks away and shakes her head. “I would never have left you, Heath. Never. You were all I wanted, all I saw. You were the beginning of every day and the best part of every night. You were my present and my future.” She takes a ragged breath. “And we lost it all. Do you know what that did to me? How far I fell? I almost . . . I didn’t just lose my boyfriend. I lost one of my best friends. And it’s been so damn hard to be your friend since then. But I’m trying. Because I need it, and I think you need it, too.” She swipes away tears and throws her shoulders back with fresh confidence.
Her honesty spurs me on to reveal some truths of my own. “Sometimes, I want to go back to that first kiss and erase the moment along with all the others that led up to that day. No matter how perfect they were along the way. So that you’d never have to experience the pain I put you through. Do you ever want that, too?”
She doesn’t hesitate. “Never. I will always cherish that kiss and hold it close for what it was at the time. The beginning of something I thought was the best. No matter how long it lasted.”
She surprises me, enclosing me in an embrace that rocks me back on my heels as she burrows her face into the crook of my neck. Willing the last of her pain away, I place my hand on her head and take a moment to appreciate the familiar silkiness before lifting her chin and holding her eyes to mine. There’s one more thing I need to admit before I let her go.
“Do you know, I make wishes on pennies now because of you?”
Her head gives the slightest shake.
“And every single one is a wish for you. That you’re happy and you find that happiness in whatever form it takes even if that doesn’t include me. I can never say I’m sorry enough times to fix what I did, Leah, but knowing you’re living a good life might just help.”
Sweetest Heartbreak Page 17
