I walk for what feels like hours until I get to Tommy’s front porch. I don’t know why, but I can’t seem to bring myself to knock. So I turn away, not knowing what I need right now. Another hour goes by before I end up at Nate’s house. He usually hangs out in the garage drinking his old man’s beer. And that’s exactly where I find him tonight.
“Hey man! Glad you finally decided to come around. I’ve got a bottle of Jim Beam waiting for you.”
“Thanks, Nate.”
I sit down on a lopsided lawn chair in front of the tiny heater in Nate’s dumpy garage. I take a swig from the bottle, then another and another. My normal coping mechanism doesn’t seem to be working. All I can picture is my mother’s weeping body poured over my father’s casket at the cemetery right before they placed him in the ground. So I take another drink.
“So, umm…there’s a party tonight. You up for it?”
“No.”
“Okay. Well, uhh…”
“Just go. I don’t give a shit about anything right now. You don’t need to sit around babysitting me. I’ll make my way home eventually.”
“Sorry. I guess I’ll see you around.”
I don’t say anything else to Nate before he walks out of the open garage. There isn’t anything to say. I lost my dad and he doesn’t know what that’s like because he still has both of his parents. Hell, his dad is probably going to beat his ass for getting into his stash again. That thought pisses me off. I stand up, kicking the chair over in the process. I look down at this stupid bottle that isn’t going to solve my problems. I throw it as hard as I can against the wall and watch it shatter into a million pieces. Just like my life. My dad will never yell at me again. He will never give me a look of disapproval. He will never ground me or take my bedroom door off. Ever. Again.
I shake off the sadness because I don’t want to cry anymore. Somehow I find my way home before midnight. Which is a first for me on a Saturday night. When I walk through the door, my mother is instantly in my face. I see the worry, then the relief and finally the anger.
“When are you going to stop this nonsense? Your father’s only been gone a week and you’re already back to your old ways. What is it going to take?”
“I’m sorry, Mom. Really I am. I want to change. I will change. I’m going to change. I promise.”
“Don’t bother lying to me. I can smell the alcohol on your breathe. Just go to your room.”
“Mom, please. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you. It won’t happen again.”
“Just go, Vincent.”
I never want to see that look on my mother’s face again. I vow to be a better son. To be a better brother. To help our family in any way that I can. My father’s gone. There’s nothing I can do about that. But I can change. I can be more. And I will.
*****
It’s been three weeks since we lost my father. I’ve been looking for odd jobs around town but there just isn’t much for a teenage boy with no license. I need to go take my test but we don’t have the money. My mom started a second job yesterday. She’s already working long hours and now she has no break at all. She says it helps keep her mind off of everything to stay so busy but I can see the toll it’s taking on her.
School is even more unbearable. Not because I don’t give a crap but because I can’t focus on anything else. I’m so worried about my family. Something I never did before. I never gave it a second thought. We got our first shut off notice in the mail today. If we don’t pay our electric bill by next week, the city is going to turn us off. I slipped the opened envelope away in a draw. I didn’t want my mother to worry over anything else. She’s doing her best. I decide it’s time to take action. I know the only way I’m going to make any money is to go work at the factory.
I head over to Tommy’s house to beg for a loan. I have to get my driver’s license so I can drive to the next town over to work. It’s not something I’m looking forward to. That’s the last place my father ever wanted me to work. He said that place kills people with all the toxins. But I don’t have any other choice. I know they will hire me because I’m cheap labor. I knock on the door softly, ashamed that I have no other option.
“Hey, Vince. What do you need?”
“Who says I need anything?”
“Look man, I know things have been hard. I’m here for you. Whatever it is, just ask.”
“Thanks. Sorry, man. I just hate asking for hand-outs.”
“So don’t look at it that way. You’re like a brother to me. Your family is my family. I want to do something, anything to help.”
“I need $25 to get my license. And maybe a ride to the factory so I can get my application turned in.”
“Things really that bad?”
“Yeah. No life insurance so my mom is paying what she can but we’re falling behind.”
“Alright. Let’s go.”
The factory always has openings. I take the night shift because it pays more. I’m also hoping I can still go to school during the day. Tommy takes me to the DMV the next day, quizzing me the entire way. I’m glad he did because I don’t know if I would have passed without him. For the first time in weeks, I actually feel good. It makes me happy to know that I’m going to be able to help my mom. I had to borrow a little more from Tommy so I could pay the electric bill before they shut us off. I promised to pay him back with my first paycheck.
Tomorrow I start my new job. My new life. Basically, it’s the first step to changing everything about me. Everything I once knew. There are no more parties. No more late nights out with the guys. Definitely no more drinking or stealing. I can’t afford to let my family down. Not when I’m all they have left.
Chapter Eight
It’s the middle of May and I’ve decided to drop out of high school. My mother is devastated. I hate that she’s so upset by my decision but it’s something I’ve got to do. I started picking up more and more shifts at the factory which caused me to miss school. Hell, even on the days I was there, I could barely keep my eyes open. This is the best choice for our family. I keep telling my mother that I will go back eventually and get my GED. That gives her little to no comfort. I think she’s still waiting for me to implode. For my old behaviors to come back with a vengeance. All I can do is prove to her each day that I’m different now.
The factory sucks but it pays $9 an hour. That’s better than any other job for a kid my age. I also started cutting grass again now that the weather is getting warm. Every little bit helps. If I can keep up with all the hours I’ve been putting in, we should have my father’s funeral paid off by the end of the summer. I know that weighs heavily on my mother. My focus now is to lessen her burden any way I can. I’m even trying to be a better role model for Joey.
“Hey kid. How’s school going?”
“It’s going okay, I guess. Vinny, why did you drop out? I mean, do you think I should stop going to school too and get a job?”
“No way!” I didn’t mean to shout but I thought I was doing a good job of keeping the stress away from him.
“Sorry. It’s just…I want to help. I don’t know what to do.”
“Joey, you are helping. It means a lot to mom for you to get an education. You’ve always been a good kid. Just keep doing what you’re doing. Stay out of trouble. That’s how you can help. Don’t cause mom anymore stress. Okay?”
“I understand.”
“Look at me, Joey. Dropping out of school will only make her sad. She already feels bad enough that I had to get a job and stop school. We’re doing better now. You don’t need to worry about money. Things are going to be alright.”
“Okay. I will do my best to get good grades and stay out of trouble. If you think that’s enough?”
“I do. Mom is so proud of you.”
Sometimes I forget how hard this must be for him. Joey is four years younger than me. That means that I had four more years with our father than he did. Four years that I wasted being an idiot. So young and already so full of regrets. I shake
it off and head to work.
*****
A few weeks later, Tommy joins me at the factory. Lucky for him, he’s only here for the summer. His dad told him if he wasn’t going to enjoy the great outdoors playing sports, the least he could do was get a job. It works out great for me because we ride together, saving us both gas money. He also offered to help cut lawns. I was able to buy a second mower from a garage sale on the nicer side of town. We’ve been adding more and more customers based off referrals.
I haven’t seen Nate and Dustin in months. Once I stopped going out to party, they stopped coming by to ask. I guess you learn who your true friends are when your whole world gets turned upside down.
“You coming to my house or going home?” Tommy has practically moved in with us. It makes sense because we work the same shifts at the factory. According to Tommy, his dad has become unbearable. Anytime he goes home, I guess Butch hounds him for his paycheck. He actually started charging his own son rent.
“Your house IS home.” Tommy looks out the truck window as he talks, avoiding all eye contact. He doesn’t get very emotional and it’s rare that he says something so personal. So I move past it quickly so he doesn’t get uncomfortable.
“Gotcha. I hope mom made a big dinner because I’m starving.”
“Yeah. A sandwich and a bag of chips isn’t much to get us through the day.”
“I’m so glad my mom loves cooking. And that she’s good at it.”
“No kidding. My mom burns everything.”
“How does she feel about you being over here all the time?”
“Who knows. I mean, I know she misses me but she’ll never stand up to my dad. I really don’t want to talk about it.”
I don’t mention anything else about his family again. It’s just an understanding we have. When the other person says a topic is off limits, we don’t talk about it. Just like my dad. I don’t talk to anyone about that. It just makes me angry to think about how quickly he was taken from us. We pull into the driveway just as the sun goes down. We both stand on the front porch to take our overalls off before we go inside. They are covered in little shards of metal from the factory. We will still have to shower and put fresh clothes on to get the stink off our bodies but at least we won’t be tracking that shit all through the house.
“There’s my boys. Just in time to eat a good meal. Go ahead and clean up. Dinner will be ready when you get done.”
“Thanks Mom.” Tommy and I say in unison. It doesn’t bother me at all that he started calling her mom. To tell the truth, I think she likes it. Tommy has always been like family and since my dad died, he has become a permanent fixture in our home.
After getting cleaned up in record time, we all sit down to a table full of food. There were a couple of months that we lived on peanut butter and jelly so this is a nice change. Things are almost starting to feel normal again. If that’s even possible. But it’s a new normal. I’m not in school and I don’t go out. Instead my time if filled working my butt off. The only people I see or talk to are sitting across from me right now.
Dating is out of the question. Not like I really did much of that before. Sometimes I miss the carefree life I had. No worries except where I was going to party that night. I shake my head, almost in disbelief. Life can change in a heartbeat.
“What’s wrong?” My mother’s voice snaps me back to reality.
“Nothing. Nothing at all. Let’s eat.” I smile brightly at her, hoping she can’t see the sadness behind my eyes. I miss my father every day but I know it’s nothing compared to how she feels. She lost her partner, the love of her life. Nothing will ever replace that.
*****
Chapter Nine
I can’t believe I gave two years of my life to that factory. I have never been so grateful for summer in all my life. By the end of last fall, Tommy and I had built up my lawn care business enough that I knew I could quit the factory this summer. After paying off all of my mother’s debt, Tommy and I have saved enough to get our own place.
I know my Mom is sad to see me go but it’s time. Besides, I’m only a few blocks away. We found a cheap house to rent because its right by the railroad tracks. The noise doesn’t bother me. You get used to it. My plan is to buy a plow for my truck so I can work during the winter months without having to take shifts at the factory. Everything feels like it’s coming together.
“So, when are you going to start dating? I don’t think you’ve had any action in…well, years.”
“Don’t be a douchebag. It hasn’t been years. I went out with Angie for a few months back in the fall. Remember, jackass?”
“Hey, don’t take your sexual frustration out on me. I just think it’s healthy to get some every so often. That’s all.”
“Sorry I can’t be a lady’s man like you. I see you with a different girl every week.”
“There ain’t nothing wrong with that. I like variety.”
“I can tell. And you don’t seem to discriminate. Blonde, brunette, redheads, tall, short, it doesn’t seem to matter. As long as they fall all over you.”
“Why should I pick just one when I can have them all?”
“Why indeed.”
“Maybe having your own place will give you game again. I remember when you had a fan club of girls waiting to get with you.”
“Yeah, yeah. Maybe. I just don’t have any interest in sleeping around with a bunch of strangers. No offense.”
“None taken. To each his own. Whatever makes you happy, man.”
That’s just it. I’ve done nothing but work the past two years so I have no clue what really makes me happy. I went out with Angie because my mom was getting worried. She started asking too many questions and even brought up counseling. So I found the first girl that showed interest and started dating her. She was a couple of years older than me and had her own place. That was a bonus because no one wants to have sex when their mom is in the next room.
I learned a lot from Angie but I never felt a real connection to her. It was mostly about the sex. When that wasn’t fulfilling anymore, I moved on. I think watching my mom lose the most important person in her life made me gun shy. I don’t really know if I ever want to find that person. It just seems too devastating. Guys don’t really talk about that kind of stuff, so I keep my thoughts to myself.
“Hey, my mom is coming over later to help make the place not look so depressing.”
“That would be awesome. It does look kind of bare.”
Being two guys, the first purchase was a large leather sofa. The second purchase was a tv. I upgraded my twin bed for a queen and took the larger bedroom. Tommy didn’t really care but I still gave him a fair shot. We played rock, paper, scissors. I beat him fair and square 8 out of 10 times. My mom let me have my old desk from my room. We found a good table for the kitchen at a garage sale. To me, we have everything we need.
“Are you going to fix something to eat or what?”
“I think my mom is bringing us dinner.”
“Sweet.” Tommy is so easy going. He never complains about anything. He’s probably the best roommate on the planet. “I’m going to go finish unpacking my room. Yell when the food gets here. I mean, when your mom gets here.”
“No problem, man.” I can’t help the chuckle under my breath. Tommy just shrugs his shoulders and heads to his room.
I wish I had something to do but I already put away my clothes. There really wasn’t much else to unpack. I flip the tv on in hopes of finding a basketball game to take my mind off…well…life. About an hour later, I hear a knock at the door.
“Hey Mom. Hey Joey.”
“Nice place, bro.”
“Thanks. I don’t think Mom agrees.”
“I just worry, Vincent. This isn’t the best part of town.”
“Mom, you live like five blocks away.”
“Oh hush. Don’t talk back to your mother.” She gives me a light tap on my shoulder and a small smile telling me she is just being playful. I know she worri
es.
“Yes ma’am.”
“Now go help your brother with the boxes in the trunk. I’m going to warm up the food.”
“Yes ma’am. Come on Joey.”
After hanging up a few pictures and making up my bed with a brand new set of sheets, our tiny house is starting to look like a home. My mom found some great things at the local thrift store. She even brought over some family photos. It’s still hard to look at pictures of my dad so she only brought recent pictures of the four of us. Tommy, Joey, Mom and me. Our redesigned family. Partly by choice and partly not. I love the fact that Tommy is considered a son and a brother but I just wish my dad could be here with us. I wonder what he would think of me now. I’m pulled from my thoughts when Joey yells at me that dinner is ready.
“You don’t need to be so loud.”
“Sorry. You just seemed out of it. Everything okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. Let’s eat.”
Joey has really matured over the past couple of years. He starts high school in a couple of months. I can’t help but feel pride when I see his accomplishments. He has been a straight A student every since our dad passed away. He was always good at school but sometimes he would slack off and his grades would suffer. But after we talked about him dropping out of school and how that was out of the question, he really stepped up his game. He even got himself a girlfriend. I’ve only met her once or twice but she seems nice enough. He really is a good kid. I can appreciate those qualities now that I’m the one doing the worrying. I don’t like to think about what I put my parents through. It must have been pure torture.
“I just wanted to say a few words before we eat. Is that okay, Vincent?”
“Of course, Mom. You can say whatever you like. My house is your house.” She smiles back at me and I see pride in her eyes. And it makes me happy.
“I am so blessed to have three amazing sons. Joey and Vincent, I hope you know how proud I am of both of you. I never would have imagined that my youngest son would be a straight A student and my older son would be supporting himself at the age of 19. And how could I have known that you, Tommy, would become like my own child. I’m honored that you call me Mom. I love you all so much. I know your father is looking down on all of us and smiling.”
Sublime Forgiveness (Sublime Series Book 3) Page 5
