by Nikki Chase
I put everything back on the table, the towel draped over the sketchbook, the backpack, and the loose pages of Luca’s drawings. Those dark shadows in his sketches have taken on a new, more sinister meaning.
I wonder what Luca does in the dark when I don’t see him.
I step back and take a good look at the desk. Everything looks normal, as far as I can tell. Pretty much the way it was before I pulled on that towel and found signs of betrayal underneath it.
When Luca comes back into the screened area of the tattoo parlor, I’m already zipping up my jeans.
“I left something at the clinic,” I say. “I have to go back and get it.”
“Now?” Luca frowns. I hope he’s not getting suspicious.
“Yeah. It’s really important.” I stop myself from adding, I may have invited a thief and a drug dealer into my clinic and been robbed.
“I’d go with you—” Luca’s gaze darts to the clock on the wall “—but I have another appointment to get through before I can close up shop.”
“That’s okay. I can go on my own,” I say as I sling my bag on my shoulder.
A smile plays on Luca’s lips. Normally, it would melt my resolve and make me want to stay with him.
But right now, that smile makes me sick, thinking of how he may have been lying to me this whole time.
After his whole protective nice-guy act, it turns out he’s the worst. At least other guys have had the decency to be honest, to not pretend like they cared about me.
“Are you sure you’re not just scared of the pain?” Luca asks.
I ignore his teasing. “I’ll come back later,” I say as I walk out of the shop.
I hear Luca say “see you later” just before the door shuts
And I wonder … Next time I see him again, what’s it going to be like?
Sarah
I don’t know what I was expecting.
Actually … I kind of do. There were only two possibilities, after all.
Possibility #1. The drugs were stolen from my clinic.
Possibility #2. The drugs weren’t stolen from my clinic.
In either case, Luca would still be a liar and a drug dealer.
Now that I have both the drug database and the codes from Luca’s bottles pulled up in front of me, there’s no mistaking it.
Luca stole from the clinic.
My heart sinks. My stomach lurches. Rocks fill my throat.
I’ve gone through a lot in my life. I thought I was pretty desensitized to things like this.
But as it turns out, I’m not immune. Not when betrayal comes from someone I trust, someone like Luca.
I shouldn’t have trusted him.
I shouldn’t have trusted anyone.
I stare at the string of letters and numbers on the screen of the clinic computer and on my much smaller phone screen. The writing blends together into a blur as tears sting my eyes.
I quickly wipe my eyes with the back of my hand before Brian sees me crying. (It’s not like it would be hard to explain my tears to Brian, though. The kid would be satisfied with a standard answer like “I miss Peter,” which is technically true.)
“See you tomorrow.” I tap Brian’s shoulder before I turn around and walk up the stairs to my living quarters.
When I came here from the tattoo parlor, I took the bus. But the bus doesn’t go to where I’m going.
After grabbing my car keys, I leave the clinic in Peter’s old car.
I sit at the top of the cliff and let my legs dangle off the edge. I can see the sunset from here, turning the sky a golden color. The shadows of trees and buildings grow longer and darker as time passes.
I take a deep breath. Planting both my palms on the rock behind me, I throw my head all the way back. The stretch in my neck muscles feel good.
White clouds float without a care over the town of Ashbourne. Birds, too.
With the dramatic show of colors and shadows, it almost looks like peace and light reign in the small town below.
I wonder if I really should leave Ashbourne. Leave the clinic my dad and Peter worked so hard to build. Leave my mom. Leave Luca.
I could go back to the city. I could sell the clinic and move on. I know Peter took great pains to keep it going after dad’s death, but maybe it’s time to let it go.
I’m not going to flatter myself by thinking the people of Ashbourne need me. They’ll be fine; they can always travel to the next town when they need a vet. It’s going to be a little less convenient, but they’ll survive.
Everything in my life has gotten worse since I got here.
I’m not superstitious enough to say this town is plain bad luck for me. But something about being here pulls my guard down.
Maybe the people are too familiar, and that makes it hard for me to keep them at arm’s length.
The thing is, even though these people are familiar, they’re no less dangerous than total strangers. They can hurt me just the same. There’s just this illusion of safety, which is the most precarious thing of all.
I look up at the sky. I wonder if heaven is real, if my dad and Peter are up there.
They’re the only people who have ever cared about me. Without them, I’m all alone in the world. It feels terribly lonely to fight all my battles on my own.
I’ve been in denial since Peter’s funeral. I’ve been trying to convince myself that I’m okay, that all my instincts are working as they should. But I’m wrong.
The proof? I broke my own one-time rule.
It’s a rule because it’s supposed to be followed at all times—no exception. This is what happens when I make an exception.
I’m such an idiot. I practically threw myself at Luca, not knowing he was going behind my back, not knowing he wasn’t only using me sexually, but he also turned me into an unknowing supplier of his drugs.
Damn it, Luca. You could’ve cost me my license. You could’ve cost me the clinic.
I’m used to men using me, but not like this.
This time, I didn’t expect it. He made me believe he actually cared about me.
Who does Luca sell the drugs to? Ashbourne is a small town, and he has a big stash. I wonder if he funnels those pills to the city to get a better price for them.
Did he steal from Peter, too? I find that hard to believe, considering how close they were. But then again, evidently I can’t trust my own judgment.
There are all kinds of possibilities, of course.
Peter could’ve been a dealer, too.
Or, maybe Luca and my mom work together as partners in their drug business.
Maybe when she texted me, she really was driven by concern that I’d get caught up in this drug business. I really doubt she’s capable of that kind of concern for me, but who knows? Time can change people.
Based on everything I’ve pieced together, I know a few things for sure:
1. Luca has been stealing from the clinic.
2. Luca has been hiding it from me.
3. Most probably, he got into the clinic with my keys because there’s no indication that it’s been broken into. He could’ve easily taken my keys out on one of his midnight runs.
So, in conclusion, he’s been using me for the drugs, stealing from me, even if I could lose everything as a result of it.
And when he insisted that I move in with him … That was obviously so he could gain access to my keys and so the clinic would be empty at night.
Like a complete dumbass, I offered him everything else on a silver platter. I gave him myself. Not just my body and my submission, too. I almost gave him my heart.
Perhaps it was a mistake to move back here.
At the time, it seemed like the right thing to do. My dad and Peter had worked hard to keep the clinic going, and it felt disrespectful to just sell it after all their hard work.
But, maybe that’s what I should’ve done. Maybe I was biting off more than I could chew.
If we’re going to list down all the mistakes I’ve made, though, it�
��s going to take all night.
I shouldn’t have looked for sex online. I shouldn’t have met up with PuppetMaster. I shouldn’t have agreed to move in with Luca.
The truth is, I made so many mistakes that by the time I made the fatal one of trusting Luca … it was already too late.
Another big mistake? Leaving Peter all alone here and only coming back for his funeral.
I stare at the silhouette of a cat tattooed on my wrist. It’s always felt like my connection to Peter, my link to my home.
But now it doesn’t only remind me of Peter. It reminds me of the mistake I made one night five years ago when I got my first tattoo and had my first one-night-stand.
Like any teenager, I wanted to rebel and do reckless things. Some reckless things that teenagers do are permanent, but I made the mistake of doing two reckless permanent things at once: I got inked, and I unknowingly set things in motion that have somehow led me here.
I wonder what Peter would do if he were here and he knew what’s going on.
Would he have told me to stay away from Luca? Would he and Luca have gotten into a fight over this?
If only Peter were here, I’d have someone on my side.
Even though I’d spent a few years in the city after my graduation, I knew I wanted to come back here one day. Because Peter was here, Ashbourne was the one place in the world that felt like home to me.
But now that I’m here, ironically, it feels like a hostile alien world.
Luca
Where’s Sarah?
I called her cell phone, but she didn’t pick up. I called the clinic, but Brian told me Sarah had already left.
I was supposed to close up shop an hour ago, but I can’t lock up now. What if she shows up?
I thought we’d be having dinner by now. Instead, I’ve been waiting here, playing on my phone while my nerves frazzle me. The good restaurants are closing soon.
But it doesn’t matter. I’m having this talk with her as soon as I see her, and I don’t care if we can do it in a nice place.
I’ve been waiting since this afternoon to have this talk with her. It’s been torture. I don’t think I can stand waiting until tomorrow night to have the talk over a nice dinner.
I turn off the lights. Maybe Sarah changed her mind about the piercing and went home to my place.
It still doesn’t explain why her phone’s off, though. If she’s home, it’s unlikely that she’d let her battery run out.
But I can’t wait here any longer.
If she’s not home, I’ll comb through all the streets in Ashbourne to find her.
Adrenaline pumps into my bloodstream, sending my heart racing.
I’m pretty sure she’s okay—she hasn’t been involved in an accident or something—because otherwise, I would’ve heard some news from the sheriff. At this point, the whole nosey town knows she’s been living with me, after all.
Still, I can’t help but feel uneasy.
Something’s off. And I don’t know what it is.
This is the last place I can think of.
If she’s not here, I’m going to call the cops and file a missing person report.
My heart hammers as my car turns onto the dirt road. My headlights cast two distinct rays of artificial light into the thick, syrupy darkness. Insects sing their ancient songs, giving the air an eerie feel.
I squint at the edge of the cliff. A black figure sits there.
That honey-brown hair. Those delicate shoulders. Could it be her?
She must’ve heard the hum of my engine because she turns around and stares straight at me. She squints.
I turn off my headlights and park my car beside her brother’s piece-of-junk sedan.
Of course she’d be here.
This explains why her phone’s been off. She must need some time alone, probably to think about Peter.
I don’t know what’s brought on this act of self-reflection, but this is a good thing, right?
As I step out of the car, my eyes gradually grows accustomed to the darkness.
Sarah scoots backward and pulls her feet up.
“Where are you going?” I ask as I approach her. My shoes crush the little rocks on the ground, making them crash against one another.
“What are you doing here?” she asks me back. She doesn’t sound upset. In fact, the lack of emotions in her voice worries me.
“I was looking for you everywhere. You said you were going to meet me back at the tattoo parlor, remember?”
I only have the moonlight to see by. The town of Ashbourne is miles away, and its lights are just little yellow and white dots in the distance.
Sarah gets up to her feet and pats the dirt off her clothes. “Oh. Right. I forgot,” she says flatly. As I get closer, I can make out her facial expression, but I still don’t see any clues as to how she’s feeling.
“Are you okay?” I put one hand on Sarah’s shoulder.
“Yeah. I wasn’t about to jump off, if that’s what you were worried about.” She stares at the town in the distance, her eyes serene but blank—so different from how they are usually.
Sarah’s baby blues are normally so expressive, her emotions are completely bared for me to see. But now, they give me no clues.
“I know,” I say. “Peter used to come here, too, when he wanted to mope around.”
“Did he come here a lot toward the end?” she asks, a glint of intelligent curiosity flashing in her eyes.
I nod.
Peter was a pretty disturbed individual when his illness was at its worst. The diagnosis killed the Peter I used to know, long before the actual illness did.
But Sarah doesn’t need to know that. It’s better for her to remember Peter the way he’d been before the cancer.
She takes a long breath, holds on to it with sadness, then lets it go.
The sight breaks my heart. I’ve been hating the fact that my best friend is now gone, but I’ve never wanted to bring him back from the dead more than I do now.
If a suspicious-looking, wart-covered witch were to give me a spell book and instructions to dig up Peter’s grave, I’d go right now, no questions asked, just for a chance to put a smile on Sarah’s face.
So what if zombies always end up eating the brain of anyone who tries to help them? I’d risk that for Sarah. Besides, if it’s my destiny to have my brain eaten by a zombie, I’d rather it be Peter than any other living corpse out there.
I take another step and put my arm around Sarah, but she shrugs me off.
“What’s wrong?” I ask.
When she lifts up her gaze, her eyes are filled to the brim with water. The glassy surface reflects the lights in the distance. “Everything.”
Without saying anything, she starts to walk away toward her brother’s car, her feet dragging over the loose soil and rocks on the ground.
“Sarah, you haven’t had dinner, have you?” I ask as I trail behind her. “Why don’t you go on home, and I’ll grab something on the way? We’ll meet at home, okay”
I pause.
She still doesn’t say anything. Only our footsteps and rustling leaves fill the night air.
“Are you sure you’re okay to drive?” I ask. “Let me drive you home. I’ll find some way to bring your car back tomorrow. Or we can take your car back home, and I’ll come back tomorrow to get mine.”
Sarah stays quiet, which only makes me more anxious. Has she been drinking? Is she sober? Is she going to endanger herself if she drives?
“Sarah.” I catch up to her and deliberately stand in her way. “Let me drive you home.”
“Leave me alone, Luca,” Sarah says as she steps off to the side and keeps walking.
“Sarah, what’s going on? Let me help.”
“You can stop pretending like you care, okay?” Sarah says distractedly as she continues on her way.
I know I’m not the warmest person out there, but what makes her think I’ve been faking anything?
“Sarah, what’s going on?”
“Sarah, please. Can you stop walking and please talk to me?” I take her wrist, but she shakes me off. I grab her again, and she pulls back even harder.
“What part of ‘leave me alone’ don’t you understand?” Sarah yells out, her high-pitched voice piercing through the darkness, interrupting the sounds of nature.
“I don’t understand anything at this point, Sarah. You were fine just a few hours ago. I understand you’re grieving and your emotions may be unpredictable, so—”
Sarah interrupts me with that strange, bitter laughter again. The sound cuts through my hearing like shards of glass. “Luca, I told you, you can stop pretending, okay? I know.”
“What are you talking about?” I ask, my heart beating as loudly as Peter’s African drum.
“Just go, okay?”
“No, I’m not going anywhere.”
“You being here only makes me feel worse,” she says with venom.
“Look, I know you’re grieving and things don’t make sense right now, but—”
“This doesn’t have anything to do with grieving. This is about you,” Sarah says, spitting out her words with unmistakeable fury. “About you lying to me. Treating me like an idiot. Going behind my back.”
Taken aback by her harsh words, I fall silent.
“I’m not going home with you. I can drive just fine. And it’s none of your business whether I’ve had dinner or not,” Sarah says as she opens her car door. “I hope that answers all your questions.”
As Sarah takes a seat in the car, her hair floats in the wind, spreading her scent of wild flowers. This reminds me too much of the time she drove away from me after Peter’s funeral.
She’s determined to leave, and there’s nothing I can do to stop her. If I were to stand in her way, she’d raze me down. That car is shit, but it could still kill me.
Why is she so upset? And why does she act like I should know what I’ve done wrong?
Fuck.
Sarah and I aren’t even in an official relationship yet, and I’m already talking like one of those pussy-whipped suckers who are always wondering what they’ve done to incur the wrath of their women.
