by Katie Cross
“What’s that?” I asked. My voice was a rasp, but he didn’t seem to notice. The slow song shuffled into another one.
“I, uh, received some news earlier today. Good news, but it will surprise you. Maybe not really news. More of a confirmed decision?”
He became a rigid board around me as he rambled around a blind topic. He paused for a beat, then plowed forward before I could tell him to just spit it out already. “I enlisted, Ellie. I’ve joined the Marines. I leave for San Diego in two weeks. Two days after I graduate.”
I blinked, fuzzy with the sense of impending doom. Of everything about to change. Of the world sliding away from me like a mudflow. I didn’t even have to speak.
We were too close together for me to see him, but I didn’t need to. The steadiness of his voice, slightly hushed around the edges, let me know he was scared. Scared of what I’d say. How I’d react. We stopped dancing somewhere near the edge of the gymnasium, not far from a bright green EXIT sign.
I’ve joined the Marines.
It echoed through my mind with undulations. For half a breath, I almost laughed. Told him that it was a funny joke and the timing was poor, but the rigid way he held me in his arms—almost like he didn’t want to see my face—told me this wasn’t a joke.
He had joined the Marines.
“What?”
“Ellie, let me explain before you run off, okay? It’s . . . it’s the money. I can’t afford to go to college, even if I stay home for nine months and work and save it all. The scholarship I was hoping for didn’t come through.”
While he continued to explain, the words filtered through my mind. GI Bill and no stress about finances now and we’ll be okay vaguely occurred to me. My mind narrowed into a fuzzy tunnel of thoughts that all revolved around one tiny phrase that whispered through my thoughts in Mama’s voice.
They always leave.
Heart thumping, I pulled away. A panicked expression filled his face, but I didn’t look right at him.
“I-I need to go.”
Before he could protest, I headed toward the glowing sign and pushed through the heavy doors. It spilled me into the parking lot, and the cool air from late spring shocked me out of the tunnel. Out of the questions.
My movement felt clumsy as I stumbled toward the truck. The sound of the wind outside too loud. The sense of shock at the cooler air too dramatic on my skin. Behind me, the door slammed open against the wall, then wheezed closed again. Footsteps ran to me.
“Ellie!”
He reached for me, but I moved my arm too fast. Livid, I whirled around to face him. This time, I looked him right in the eyes.
“How long have you had this planned?”
He faltered for only a moment. “Since last summer.”
“Last summer?” I cried. “That’s over a year.”
Uneasy now, he nodded.
“Last summer is when we started talking about going to the state university together. When we toured it together. Do you remember that? Do you remember us discussing plans and talking this out and you agreeing?”
He shifted. “Ellie—”
But I plowed over his plea, too hot to stop now. “Did you know then that you wanted to go into the Marines?”
“I don’t want to, Ellie. I just don’t have a choice.”
“Did you know?” I asked again, my voice expanding.
His jaw became rigid as he stared at me, so gorgeous in the low light that it made my heart ache. Finally, he looked at the ground and nodded. His voice was low when he whispered, “Yes.”
“Yes, you’ve been lying to me for a year?”
His nostrils flared. “Yes, but—”
He stopped on his own this time. When he finally set his eyes back on mine, I had to look away. There was pain and fear and disappointment and maybe, just maybe, a hint of resentment. It was that chance of resentment that sent a shockwave through me.
I stepped back, shaking. Another tremor of pain crashed through me. Resentment. Was I holding him back? Did he feel trapped with my friendship? He must, or he wouldn’t have done something to run away. That meant there was nothing else to do. I had to escape. Had to leave. Had to get out of here before I . . .
Exploded.
“Okay,” I whispered.
“Okay?”
“Okay.”
What else could I say? For the last year, Devin had been sneaking behind my back, letting me believe we had a future together. All that time, he knew he would betray me to go to the Marines. He allowed me to believe in a dream where we moved forward together. That we’d leave this small mountain town and conquer the world.
It was all a lie.
The heat in my eyes returned, this time with ferocity. I blinked the tears back with the maddening thought that Mama had been right.
Men leave.
Love dies.
You take care of yourself.
Although I’d talked myself out of believing her for the last couple of years because Devin was different, Mama had been absolutely right all this time. Maybe it was just a matter of time for all of us. For Maverick to leave Bethany. For JJ to escape from Lizbeth and Serafina to lose Benjamin. Maybe we all ended up alone.
“Ellie.” He put a hand on my shoulder and I realized I’d stopped moving away from him to stare at the ground. “Please tell me what you’re thinking. I know you feel betrayed and this is frightening and . . . “
He trailed away again. My heart fought my head, which hurt from all the confusion. Everything felt like a big, ugly trap that rolled around me. And, pulsing in the corner of my mind, was the remnants of the shredded box where I’d tucked the truth. It screamed at me now in maniacal revenge for having ever tried to ignore it.
You love him. You love him.
And now?
He’s leaving, Mama whispered. Because they always do.
I stepped back. “I have to go,” I said. “I . . . I have to go.”
With that, I picked up the dress that I’d carefully chosen, grateful that I’d worn my tennis shoes, and I disappeared into the night with a carefully masked sob.
10 days later
* * *
Laughter and the clicking sound of pop cans opening filled the air.
I climbed up the back of a favorite tree behind the Frolicking Moose and carefully settled onto a branch in the middle. The rough bark scraped against the back of my legs, but the black material of my yoga pants and my oversized camouflage hunting shirt would hide me. My black hair skirted my shoulders and a matching camouflage hat pulled low over my eyes hid as much skin as possible.
Through twigs and leaves, I made out the small gathering on the parking lot below. Twenty people lingered around a grill and several red-and-white checkered picnic tables. The early summer air smelled like charred beef and hotdogs. Three children scuttled around, chasing each other with water balloons. They belonged to Kendra, Devin’s older sister. She was twenty-seven years old and stood near the shop, laughing at something a neighbor said. Over it all flapped an American flag, crisp in the wind.
Devin stood out amongst the crowd right away. He stood next to his mother, Millie. At the grill was Mac, his father. Mac sat on a chair when he wasn’t flipping burgers or rolling hot dogs because he couldn’t stand for long periods of time. A debilitating back injury had nearly paralyzed him years ago, and they’d almost lost their small home.
Other members of the Pineville community littered the lot. A banner across the Frolicking Moose said Good Luck Devin in red, white, and blue font with a camouflage background. The whole thing made the back of my throat tighten.
This farewell party shouldn’t have to happen at all.
A week and a half had passed since I’d last spoken to him at the prom. I felt like a coward for ignoring his calls, his text messages, and avoiding him at school. I had changed my usual routes and acted as if he didn’t exist. The limelight of prom King and his announcement of his commitment to the Marines kept him busy in the halls. Everyone wanted t
o talk with the new hero.
Which is right when I’d turned into a coward.
Maverick turned Devin away when he came over on prom night because I demanded it. I didn’t want to see Devin, even though he’d chased after me. Devin had lied to me. He’d taken the dreams that we’d made together. Unsafe dreams I probably shouldn’t have invested in in the first place.
Most of all, he chose to leave.
No amount of Maverick staying up with me and trying to explain why Devin did it dulled the pain. It will be good for both of you, he said. You need to find yourself without him, he said. The words ran in and right back out of my mind.
Yes, the Marines cleared up his financial issues.
It eased the burden on his parents.
It gave him a chance to see the world.
It created opportunities for him later.
But none of that helped my broken heart, so I’d turned to the only thing that would: reality. Dirty, crusty, say-it-like-it-is reality. Devin had chosen a different life. I couldn’t change that. So, if he was going to leave, he needed to stay gone.
If he didn’t bounce in and out of my life, I’d be able to move on. Because, for the last seven years, I had pictured my life happening one way. That way always had Devin in it. Maybe Devin dated other girls, the way he did in high school, but he was there. That stable, permanent figure.
For the last ten days, I’d grappled with who I’d be and what my life would look like without him, and it robbed me of my courage.
That’s why I sat in the tree with camouflage hiding my body and watched most of Pineville come and go. Watched them shake his hand, clap his shoulder, give him advice, thank him for his service. I watched his eyes go to the road, and his shoulders fall in disappointment every time someone new came that wasn’t me. I watched while Maverick and Bethany bustled in and out of the Frolicking Moose. Both had been angry with Devin, but worked through it faster than me.
Not for what he did, but the way he did it.
My sister-mama had a territorial streak in her that frightened even me.
Near the end of the picnic, Maverick glanced up and met my eyes. I scowled. He winked. Then he turned his back and acted as if I weren’t there. A few minutes later, he gave Devin an envelope that would have a lot of money in it. Devin smiled with gratitude, but the tone of the smile remained empty. Several times he tried to speak, but couldn’t. Eventually, Maverick saved him with a clap on the shoulder and something I couldn’t hear.
The bark pressed into my stomach and I felt sick. Thor whined on the ground beneath me, but still, I watched. Watched Cassidy when she gave him a hug and a warm smile and another hug that lingered seconds longer than I liked.
Watched Devin wait, and wait, and wait.
Despite dusk falling and the gradual clearing of the party, I watched. Despite knowing he’d leave early the next morning to take a flight to San Diego and I didn’t know when I’d talk to him again, I stayed in the tree. I didn’t climb down, throw myself into his arms, and sob the way I wanted.
Devin was moving into his new life, and he’d chosen to do it without me. He’d chosen to lie for a year, and now he put us on separate paths. We weren’t tied together. He wouldn’t know my daily life and I wouldn’t know his. That was his choice, and I’d honor it the only way I knew how.
It was better if people just stayed gone.
And so, I stayed in the tree like a coward while darkness fell and I let Devin go. After everyone left, I trekked back to my truck hidden in the trees with Thor at my side. Those were the last tears I’d let fall for Devin Blaine.
Now, it was time to watch out for myself.
1
Ellie
Three years later
My birthday candle burned bright in the middle of a frosting-free vanilla cupcake.
The single flame in the coffee shop made Maverick’s cheek twitch. His eyes flickered from the flame to the wall to the ceiling. Bethany smirked. He had good reason. This coffee shop had almost burned to the ground three-and-a-half years ago. Just to prolong his torture, I let it burn a second more. Then I snuffed it out with a sharp exhale.
He loosed a breath of relief.
“Happy twentieth birthday Ellie!” Bethany cried, clapping. My three-and-a-half-year-old nephew Shane clapped his already grubby hands. Blue frosting lined his upper lip as he clung to me, laughing when I bounced him. His own cupcake lay in his hands, a crumbly disaster already.
“Happy Birfday, Lee,” he chimed, giggling when I dug a finger into his ribs. He had black hair like his Mama and wide golden eyes that earned whatever he wanted. Freckles smattered his cheeks, folding into adorable wrinkles when he smiled. I pressed a quick kiss to his temple.
“Thank you very much.”
“I fed your chickens with the breakfast leftovers,” Bethany said as she gathered her purse. “I have a few clients that are meeting me here tomorrow morning, by the way, so keep the back room reserved.”
“Always.”
Behind us lay the renovated Frolicking Moose Coffee Shop. Bad wiring, an old building, and dry walls led to a fire years ago that almost burned the entire thing to the ground. Maverick and Bethany had thrown money into renovations, and the new Frolicking Moose sparkled, a gem on the landscape of the small mountain town of Pineville.
Part of the changes had expanded the dining and prep areas, increasing our capacity. Renovations also created a back room that allowed Bethany to meet with real estate clients and ply them with free coffee and baked goods. Some people held birthday parties back there, and Lizbeth always hosted her monthly book club.
Everything glimmered brightly and smelled like espresso.
“Also, Lizbeth and JJ will be in for your birthday dinner tonight.” Bethany slung her purse strap over her shoulder. “Don’t worry. JJ is bringing dessert. I will not have any part of that.”
I quelled a silent exclamation of relief. Despite being my sister-mama for the last seven years, Bethany had no culinary skills whatsoever. JJ, on the other hand, bought out a bakery in nearby Jackson City and ran it with the help of his wife, my sister, Lizbeth. Lizbeth’s redesign of their website and her online savvy led to a booming business. They supplied the shop’s baked goods and used the money for their own eco-friendly house.
“No other plans today?” Bethany eyed me with mama-like concern. “No . . . lunch with a friend?”
The words almost died on her lips. Maverick coughed a bad cover for a laugh. My smile tightened imperceptibly. Regret followed her question.
“Sorry.” She grimaced. “I just . . .”
“I know. You think I need friends, but I’m fine. Jax took me to dinner last night, and Lizbeth had breakfast with me this morning.”
Maverick sent Bethany a not-so-subtle shake of the head.
She sighed.
“Fine. I’ll stop being a mother hen. I just . . . I just love you. Like, a lot. And I want you to be happy.”
“Then put me on a trail.”
She grinned. “I’m sure you already have an extensive hike planned out for this afternoon?”
My own grin responded.
Bethany fussed over Shane for a moment before Maverick shooed her away. She wore a cream-colored pants suit with a pair of crimson heels that disappeared into the flowing material. Her lipstick was more purple than red, which had a striking effect against her dark black hair. She pressed a quick kiss to Maverick’s lips, then Shane’s cheek. She gave me a wink.
“Love you, Ellie.”
“Love you too, Bethie.”
“Gotta run to a showing.” She waved over her shoulder. “See you at our place for dinner. Love you all!”
Shane lunged for his father, so I passed him over and peeled the cupcake liner off my own dessert.
“Happy birthday, Ellie,” Maverick said, his deep rolling voice a reassuring part of this place. There was something about Maverick in the Frolicking Moose that felt safe.
“Thanks.”
He lifted an
inquiring eyebrow. “Taking the horse out with you on the trail, I presume?”
“Yep. Alone outside? Best birthday ever.”
He glanced at the clock.
2:25.
“Stay until three, and you can have the rest of the day off. Deal?”
I hesitated. What did it matter? These were the slowest hours of the day, and we closed at 4:00 on Wednesdays anyway. No one had come in for over an hour. Still, Maverick and Bethany owned this place, not me.
“Sure.”
He nodded but made no move to go. Instead, he hesitated. His gaze lingered on mine and I had the distinct feeling he was stalling with his question.
“What’s the news from Pineville Outfitters?”
My heart skipped another beat. Pineville Outfitters was a store owned by our neighbor and family friend, Daniel. Two years ago, he opened up a position for a new employee to help run the rental and retail portion of the Outfitters shop, and I had applied. It would be my best shot to my ultimate dream: an outdoor guide.
“I’ll take you, Ellie,” Daniel said at the end of my interview, “because I know you want to be a guide. Prove yourself first. Work in the store for a while, then learn. We’ll get you in the mountains on paid hikes once I know you’re not going to kill anyone.”
College had been a dramatic fail that I had not yet recovered any interest in, so I poured my focus into every outdoor educational opportunity I could find. Professional mountain climbing with JJ. Memorizing the best trails for horseback riding. Avalanche training. CPR. First aid. My life focused around sculpting my resume to one single goal: overnight outdoor guiding. I wanted to be paid to live in the mountains all year round.
And it was just about to happen.
Any day now, Daniel would confirm my first overnight guide with paying clients. Then Mav could hire more help for the Frolicking Moose, and I’d spend my time outside, where I belonged. The money would open up travel opportunities so I could get out of Pineville and see the world.
