by Katie Cross
Before I returned back to North Carolina, Ellie would know that I loved her then and I love her now. Ellie was worth fighting for, even if she could be compared to the ice queen. She was worth doing now what I didn’t do then.
Even if she hated me.
The crack of a car door closing outside brought me out of my spiraling thoughts. Can’t control this, I thought as I loosened my tense fists. Can’t let this send me into another spiral. Everything is fine. I’m fine. I’m here. I’m not there.
With great effort, I mentally set Ellie aside and shoved my phone into my back pocket. She wasn’t the only one I came to see. With a quick smile, I shut the door, and headed to Mom’s hair salon.
Time to scare the highlights out of her.
3
Ellie
“Those chickens won’t water themselves, you know.”
My head jerked up at the familiar, lyrical sound of Lizbeth’s voice. She tossed a bowl of food on the ground, and a flurry of feathers flocked to it. In the distance, the guinea hen screeched. I sighed and set the canister for the water trough down. Water glugged into a metal bowl.
“I know.”
Lizbeth leaned against the fence next to me. She wore a pair of jeans and a t-shirt that said, Get your buns frosted. It covered an adorable, rounded belly. Even at seven months pregnant, she looked lovely as ever. Shimmering locks of bright red hair spilled onto her shoulders. A tattered romance book lingered under one of her arms. She’d probably read it in the car on the way down the canyon from where she lived in Jackson City.
“It’s your birthday, so why do you look like someone just kicked Thor?”
My dog prowled around outside, attempting to stuff his face between the slats of the fence to get to my hens. I shooed him away with a little tap of my shoe near his face, and he snorted.
“Devin’s home.”
Her expression turned so pale I thought she’d faint, but she waved me off with a hand before I could reach for her. Her shock comforted me, and I didn’t know why.
“What?”
I nodded, barely able to believe it myself. “He stopped by the coffee shop earlier today.”
I recounted what I could remember in odd snippets that didn’t string together well. Lizbeth asked for more details to clarify the confusing five minutes in which I’d seen him. All the while, my mind seemed to unwind. Talking it out helped it not feel so stuffed and heavy in my head.
“Sweet baby pineapple.”
Lizbeth shook her head as chickens cluttered our feet. Something about the flurry of feathers and constant cooing eased me. I reached down, grabbed my favorite hen, and held her against me. The soft, downy feathers were silk on my fingertips and soothed the prickles inside.
“How are you?” she asked.
“Fine.”
She tilted her head with a fierce glare. For being so lithe and thin, she was a powerful little thing.
“Stop it. How are you?”
Fractured. Stunned. Startled. Relieved. Uncertain.
“I’m not really sure,” I said, which was true enough. She seemed to take that in stride. How should I feel? Devin had returned from the dead after three years. Part of my heart couldn’t stop caring that he’d made it back from deployment. We had seven years of inseparable friendship before those three of absence. Not even his awful departure could take those years back.
But did they mean anything now?
“Fair,” she murmured. “I’m pretty shocked, and I didn’t love him like you did.”
I scowled.
She grinned brightly.
“It wasn’t what I thought it would be,” I admitted quietly. “Seeing him again, I mean. It was . . . weird. He seems the same, but he’s also so different. That’s probably what he thought of me, too.”
Although surely I hadn’t changed like he had. Or had I? Did I have the same sharp edges? Did I seem more mature?
Piecing my life back together after the shock of his enlistment and into something totally new had been intentional and painstaking. My senior year of high school had been the loneliest I’d ever known. Devin’s departure had thrust me into a world without him I hadn’t been ready for.
“How did he look?” She cast a sly glance my way. “I mean, how did he really look? All buffed up from those push-ups, I bet?”
My teeth clenched. “He looked like Devin.”
She held up two hands. “Sweet baby pineapple! Be fair, Ellie. He’s probably a stunner. He was already good-looking as a senior, but now he’s a freaking Marine. I know, I know you’re still hurt and bitter and—”
“I’m not hurt. And I’m not bitter.”
The words came out a bit too forcefully. She smirked.
I frowned.
“Right,” she drawled. “I’ll remove bitter, but not hurt. You didn’t wallow out loud and you moved on. But you’re definitely still hurt, and you have reason to be. He left you without closure. You need to find it now. This is a massive chance from the universe! You gotta take it.”
“Maybe.”
She rolled her eyes. “If not that, then what do you want right now, Ellie?”
I want him to leave, was my first thought, but it didn’t sit well. Did I really want him to leave without us finally smoothing this down?
No, I didn’t.
Part of me had thirsted for Devin since he left. Had craved him like an addict. Time hadn’t entirely dulled the ache, even if the need had slowly throbbed away in that long year after he first left.
“Have you considered that one of the reasons you still feel hurt is because of the way he left?” Lizbeth turned and leaned her shoulder against the fence to face me fully. “Until today, you haven’t spoken about him since that awful night at prom. I think it made you jaded about other men, so you haven’t really dated.”
“I’ve dated.”
“First dates.”
“And that’s all they ever amounted to.”
“Because you ignored them.”
That was the truth. Plenty of those first dates would have come back for second, third, and more dates. But I’d stopped there, because . . . why bother? Men left. I didn’t want them back. It felt coldhearted, but it was an attempt to be kind.
“I don’t want to find someone else.” The chicken squawked as I set her back down to scavenge with the others. In the distance, Thor’s snorts as he prowled the property filled the evening air. My goats bleated from their pen not far away.
“Why not?” she asked. “Dating sucks, but marriage is the best.”
“Because love sucks.”
“Sometimes it totally does.” She poked a finger into my rib. “But the moments that it rocks are worth it. You and I have been over this countless times. Mama was wrong about parts of romance and love, but not all of it. It’s worth fighting for, Ellie.”
My heart reviewed the surface of all the good times with Devin. The light. The joy. The connection. The feel of his body next to mine, my stalwart best friend. My safety. Then the emptiness when he was gone. The scattered life that remained in his wake.
Was it worth it?
“I don’t want a boyfriend, Lizbeth. I don’t want a husband. That’s not my life.”
She shrugged. “That’s fine. If you clear things up with Devin, then at least you’d be ready then if someone else did come along. The right one makes you want it. You can’t force it.”
That didn’t sit great either. Marriage. Love. Babies. That wasn’t my thing. Mama and Devin had left big enough holes in my heart. No reason to do that again. JJ and Lizbeth were genuinely imperfect and adorable. Maverick and Bethany were so well matched they suited each other’s intensity. But me?
No.
I’d rather have my chickens, goats, and dogs. Drooling babies and staying in the same place for decades on decades behind a white picket fence wasn’t my jam. Yet . . . I didn’t leave Pineville much on my own, either.
“Maybe you’re right,” I said as I shoved those thoughts aside. “I can take
the chance to clear the air and be done. At least hear his side.”
She exhaled dramatically as if relieved. “Good. Let him explain.” She met my gaze with bright, clear eyes. “What do you have to lose? A burden of grief? If moving on without Devin is what you really want, Ellie, then you’ve just been given your chance. Hear him out, then move forward again. It’s a process you’ve perfected the last three years, and I couldn’t be more proud of you.”
Reluctantly, I nodded. Devin needed to stay gone, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to know what he’d say. What if he had great reasons for what he did? Although, I couldn’t think of any good reason to harbor a lie.
No, I just wanted to tuck this back into the box and shove it off a cliff. Once we spoke, that stalwart box wouldn’t have a place in my mind any longer, with its gentle pulse and quiet reminders as it collected age and dust.
This time, Devin would go away, and there he’d stay.
“C’mon.” Lizbeth hooked her arm through mine. “JJ made this scrumptious naked Black Forest cake that is to die for. The cherry glaze?” She shivered. “Let’s just say it makes baby Lizbeth so very, very happy.”
4
Devin
When the dull thud of a fist hitting a bag rang in my ears, I knew I’d found the right place.
Dawn hinted on the horizon as I stepped inside the MMA Center. Sweat from my 4:00 a.m. run drenched my shirt, making it cling to my back. The run had worked out the kinks of crappy sleep. Returning from the other side of the globe was never going to be easy, but this time transition really sucked. At least I could remove the dreams and residual darkness that lingered.
But now, I needed to hit something.
Something hard.
“Devin Blaine.”
A familiar face approached me from behind a counter. Short, stocky body. Muscles on muscles. Quick grin and short blonde hair buzzed low on the sides and spiked on top. I almost didn’t recognize him.
“Jax?”
He grinned and held out a hand that I clasped and pulled into a quick man-hug with a thunderous back pounding. When he stepped back, I could hardly believe my eyes.
“Gentle Jax.” I shook my head. “My, my, how you’ve grown.”
He laughed and slapped me on the shoulder. “It’s been a few years, my friend.” His arms spread to encompass the gym. “Welcome.”
“This is yours?”
“Nah, I just help Ben run it. He wanted it all MMA-focused, but I’ve convinced him to make it a real gym where people come to work out. He lets me run classes and the gym side. He does all the rest.”
“Benjamin Mercedy?”
“The one.”
I whistled low. The guys would die if they knew where I stood. Retired MMA fighter Benjamin Mercedy still had everyone’s attention with the training gym he opened after his career-making final fight.
I glanced around the gleaming space with floor-to-ceiling windows and alternating black-and-red mats on the ground. Groups of workout equipment cluttered the back of the room. Several joggers kept treadmills busy or stacked bumper plates on bars near the squat racks. More than I would have expected little Pineville to produce at 5:00 am.
“Sweet place, man.”
“Thanks. How are you? Didn’t know you were back.”
“Surprised everyone,” I said with a quick smile.
Jax’s eyebrows rose. “Everyone?”
The drawl in his voice immediately clued me in. He meant Ellie, which likely meant that Ellie and Jax were still friends. Of course, they were. Who else lived in Pineville, population 300?
Before I could change the subject, he chuckled. “Actually, you showing up this morning explains a lot.”
“What do you mean?”
He tilted his head toward the back of the room. I had to sidestep to peer around a TRX system before I saw a black ponytail swishing through the air. A pair of fists flew against a bag, interspersed with an occasional roundhouse kick and grunt. Sweat gleamed down Ellie’s face as she danced back and forth, focused on the punching bag.
“Yeah,” I drawled. “She’s picturing me right there.”
Jax laughed outright. “Then she wants to destroy you. I haven’t seen her this worked up in months. It’s an impressive sight when Ellie gets in her rage.”
My gut clenched at the thought. I watched her for a minute more, then turned away. The deep grooves in her expression, and intense concentration, made it feel like I intruded on something. She had skill, that was for sure. The bag wasn’t something new, clearly, which hurt even more.
Did I know this Ellie?
The door opened behind me, admitting a cool brush of morning air against the back of my neck. Jax lifted his head in a short nod to someone back there.
“Hey, Kimball. Class will start in ten.”
A tall guy nodded to him and kept going. He had an uncertain gait as he strode past, bag slung over his shoulder. He slowed, canvassing the room until he saw Ellie in the back corner. A quick twitch of his lips gave him away. A second later, he headed for a changing room at the back. His eyes didn’t stray from her much before he slipped inside.
I didn’t like that guy at all.
“Who’s he?” I asked with a jerk of my head.
“Summer visitor, I think. Came in a few days ago and only signed up through the end of the month. His family owned a cabin in the mountains they’d never visited before or something? Can’t remember his story.” Jax shrugged. “Nice enough. Bit . . . chatty.”
“Huh.”
“So, how long are you back?”
While Jax and I devolved into the usual questions that I’d braced myself to answer—how long are you here for? Where are you stationed? How was deployment?— I stayed where I could see Ellie. She pounded the bag for a few more minutes before she ripped the gloves off and grabbed some water.
Thankfully, Jax kept the conversation on the surface. He didn’t ask any questions I’d already decided I wouldn’t answer. Ellie sat on the floor to stretch just as Kimball came back out. The people running on the treadmill had started to gather on the mats, where another tall, slender guy fiddled with some music.
Kimball headed right for Ellie. My shoulders tensed.
“She’s not yours anymore.”
Jax said the words so easily I thought I’d misunderstood him. Startled, I looked at him in wordless question. There was no animosity in his tone, but something lurked underneath.
“What?”
“Ellie isn’t yours, so you can act as possessive as you want, but I’m not going to let it fly in here.”
A flash of amusement crossed his expression. Maybe I looked pissed. I felt pissed. Defensive.
But he was absolutely right.
Jax folded his arms across his chest. “Ellie moved on. She had to. You left her, and she rebuilt her life slowly. One piece at a time. So, yes. Kimball is flirting with her. He has been for the past couple of days. He comes in early, looks for her, changes, and they talk until his class starts. She leaves. He hasn’t come any other day except the ones when she shows up. And that’s his right.”
His words felt like glass under the skin, but I couldn’t deny their truth. Coming back, I knew that Ellie would be different. That our friendship wouldn’t be the same. That we’d be new people and the likelihood of things ever reconciling were slim to none. Ellie’s sense of survival had always been greater than her sense of happiness. She no longer saw me as safe, so she wouldn’t invest time or trust in me.
At least not yet.
The only hope that I had was that those years of friendship and connection had happened. Maybe there was a foundation that she couldn’t deny. If there wasn’t, I came home to tell her how I felt then and now. That mission wouldn’t change, Kimball notwithstanding.
“Roger,” I said.
Jax had the gall to look amused again, and I almost tackled him right there. I needed to hit something, and he’d suffice.
“Listen, Dev, I don’t have any more claim on Ellie tha
n you do. We’re friends in a held-at-arms-length kind of way, and I’m fine with that. No one has any claim on a woman like her. She goes on first dates, and they never hear back. I’ve warned Kimball, but he doesn’t care. She seems to have silently committed herself to the single life. If you’re hoping to reconcile, be fair. I won’t let you break her heart again.”
“You won’t?”
He shrugged, but he didn’t take it back. “I am the only friend she has in this town, and I take that very seriously.”
“You’re the nice guy around here?”
“I guess so.”
I scowled. “I won’t break her heart.”
Jax’s brow had grown heavy. “You will. Even if you don’t mean to. She still cares for you, Dev. You have to see that. Why else do you think she’s so pissed off today? Ellie tells off the people she doesn’t care about. The ones she avoids are the ones she loves.”
My gaze drifted back to her. She warily smiled at Kimball from a runner’s lunge, her legs long and strong in a pair of tight black pants. A towel had mopped away her sweat, but she still had that devastating smile. Her natural uncertainty around people only added to her sense of appeal. It would be so easy to believe that she had once had feelings for me. That I hadn’t been the only one madly in love.
That was a dangerous road to go down without proof. For the millionth time, I forced myself away from it.
“I was stupid,” I admitted. “I shouldn’t have lied to her.”
“Duh.”
“But I had to leave.”
“Why?”
My nostrils flared. That wasn’t my story to tell.
Ellie had stood up and started to walk our way, stopping my thought process. Halfway across the mats, her gaze met mine. She stumbled slightly, and I couldn’t tell what the flash in her eyes meant. She’d been hard to read on a good day when we were inseparable.
Practically impossible now.
“I’m on her side, my brother.” Jax slammed a palm into my shoulder as he moved away. “Don’t mess her up and then leave again, or I’ll take it personally. You won’t ever want to come back then.”
