by Jo Thomas
I breathe a sigh of relief. Let’s hope the rest of the trip runs more smoothly.
‘So, come on, then, tell us about this man you’re going to meet,’ says Alice, as we sit on the minibus and glide forward under the sea.
‘So everyone knows about my online dating life?’ I look at Pearl and frown. So much for me trying to keep this to myself. ‘They were only supposed to know we were going to scatter Elsie’s ashes,’ I whisper.
‘I couldn’t help but mention it.’ Pearl shrugs. ‘It seemed like a bit of excitement at a sad time. Elsie would have loved to see you on your Christmas market date. You two just needed a little push in the right direction.’
‘I’d call that a bloody great shove,’ says Maeve.
‘And what better excuse for us all to be going to Germany? Taking Elsie back home,’ says Norman.
‘And we all get to see you meet your man,’ says Ron, opening a bag of Hula Hoops and crunching loudly.
‘He must be pretty special if you’re going all this way to meet him,’ Alice says.
‘Well, he …’ I think about the conversations I’ve shared with Heinrich. We haven’t Skyped yet. We would have done, but then, well, with Elsie passing and Pearl organizing this trip and my meeting with Heinrich, it’s all happened so quickly. In any case, he’s been working late on a big project, which I can’t wait to hear more about.
‘What makes this one worth the visit?’ Norman asks.
‘Well, we like the same things,’ I say, thinking through my checklist. ‘Films, music, baking. He’s in the business. And we agree on what we want from a partner. And he likes the UK. Spent time here as a young pastry chef during college and is keen to come back.’
‘And how will you know if he’s the one?’ Alice asks.
‘I’ll have ticked all the boxes on my checklist,’ I say simply. I’ve kept a note of every one of my dates since I started on the internet. And ticked off the boxes, or not.
‘And what if he is, dear? Will you move to Germany?’ asks Alice. ‘It’s a marvellous place.’
‘We’ll miss your cakes,’ pipes up Ron.
I laugh. ‘No, like I say, he’s keen to visit the UK. We’d travel between the two. I couldn’t just pack up my life and move to another country. But we’re just going on a date. I’m not, like, marrying him.’
‘That’s right,’ says Pearl. ‘Just go and have some fun. Enjoy yourself. You deserve it.’
‘Besides, like I say, I’d have to see if he ticks the boxes,’ I say. It’s how I live my life these days. Work, dates, worries: make a list. It keeps things … organized. Makes the days move in the right direction. Lists have seen me through the hard times. When my ex, Tom, left, lists helped, and so did recipes, which are like lists, aren’t they? Lists of ingredients. What I needed to buy. What I already had. Which ingredient went with what. Since Sam went to university, I could have sat down and stared at the void in my life but he wouldn’t want that. The recipes and the shopping lists kept me living life as I should, day to day. So now I do lists when I meet potential partners online. I got it wrong last time, thinking I was doing fine and could cope without lists. And how wrong I was. If I’d only stuck to the list.
‘Apparently, it all works like clockwork there,’ Norman is saying.
I glance in the rear-view mirror at John, not saying a word, no doubt thinking about his beloved Violet. His loneliness is written all over his face. I know he’s not the only one feeling like that. Christmas is going to be very strange for me this year.
‘Mum, I’ve been invited snowboarding for Christmas!’
My heart said, ‘Noooooo!’ when he rang a couple of weeks ago. But my head said, ‘Of course you must go!’ And I found myself making a list of all the reasons why he should, rather than staying at home with me.
‘It’ll be amazing!’ I smiled a watery smile. Because it will be. And who doesn’t want their child to do amazing things?
‘What will you do if I’m not there?’
‘Oh, I have plenty to be getting on with. Loads going on at Lavender Hill,’ I lied, although nothing happens at Lavender Hill these days.
‘Really? I thought nothing ever happens there. Just a load of people stuck in their little flats.’
He was right.
‘No, it’ll be great. A real party this year.’ I told him I’d be fine and I will. I’ll have a box of Maltesers, a big one, and the Gavin and Stacey Christmas Special. It’s just one day to get through. It’s the lead-up to it that can get so tiring. Everyone asking you what your plans are and if you’ve finished your shopping.
‘What would be on your checklist, Pearl, if you were having a Christmas date?’ asks Graham, looking up from his Kindle.
‘Oh, phffff! I’m too old to go on dates, dear. I’ve had my time. But I’ve got a great memory.’ She points to her head and smiles wickedly.
‘I’d like someone who listens to me,’ says Alice, and we all turn to her. ‘My husband never did.’
‘I’d like to be with someone who wants the purple Quality Streets,’ says Ron.
‘I’d like someone who knows their own mind, funny and go-getting,’ says Norman. He could almost be describing Pearl.
‘There’d be no one like my Violet,’ says John. ‘I’d just like to be with her. She loved Christmas,’ he adds, and a brief silence falls over us.
‘Can’t stand Christmas,’ says Maeve. ‘All this talk of going to parties, and family get-togethers. Not like that for us all.’
‘Me neither,’ says Ron. ‘One long, lonely month.’
‘If I wasn’t in this wheelchair it might be different,’ says Maeve.
‘If I didn’t have dietary requirements, I’d go to my brother’s,’ says Ron. ‘But it’s never been the same since Mam died.’
‘My husband’s family don’t invite me,’ says Alice. ‘They always thought he married beneath him.’
‘Why did Elsie love Christmas so much?’ asks Norman. ‘Sounds like we’re all going to be sat alone, watching the countdown to the twenty-fifth, the TV adverts, radio tunes and social media overload, with a sense of impending doom.’
‘She said Christmas made people happy,’ Pearl said, her eyes fixed on the urn. ‘She grew up in Germany and said the Christmas markets were just fabulous. They brought everyone together. I think it was the thing she missed most about growing up there. She said it was magical.’
‘Well, it isn’t magic to me,’ says Maeve. ‘Just a load of people telling you to enjoy yourself. And if you’re stuck in a chair like I am, it’s no fun.’
‘We’re doing this for Elsie. Her parents ran a hotel when she was growing up. She moved to Britain when she was nineteen to learn English, met a man and never went home. Now, we’re taking her back to her childhood in Germany, to a Christmas market. It’s what she wanted,’ says Pearl, firmly.
There’s a silence. Then Alice breaks it by saying what I reckon the others are all thinking. ‘It seems the only time we all see each other is when we come out of our flats for another funeral,’ she says.
‘Got mine all planned!’ Norman looks quite proud.
‘Norman, we should be living life for the now, not planning for when we’re not here,’ Pearl scolds. ‘That’s another reason we’re doing this. Elsie would have wanted us to have some fun. She left her small amount of savings to us to have a Christmas treat on her. A break will do us good, getting away from all that build-up. And trying to get us all to Tenerife would be an insurance nightmare.’ She laughs. ‘I found this guesthouse on the internet and it was a cracking price, could take us all and is near where Connie has her date. Well, in the neighbouring town. We’re not going because it’s Christmas, in fact, quite the opposite, we’re getting away from all that stuff at home. We’re going because of Connie.’ They all cheer again and join in with the Christmas songs on the radio, the tinsel swinging, as we reach the end of the tunnel. I reset the satnav with the address I have for Alte Stadt, Germany. ‘You’ve got to make your own happines
s in life, Connie love, not wait around for Fate to come knocking,’ Pearl says. ‘We need to get out of the flats, not wait around for Dr Death to call!’
‘Okay, Ron, your turn to drive.’ We’re about to leave the train, but he’s fast asleep, head on his chest, hat flopping forward, snoring.
Looks like I’ll be in the driver’s seat for a bit longer. Germany, here I come! I’m taking control of my life and making my own happiness, just like Pearl told me to. I may just find my perfect partner.
THREE
‘Blimey, carry on like this and I’ll be rediscovering parts of my body I thought were dead years ago!’ says Maeve, as I push her in the wheelchair, our cases on her lap, down a narrow cobbled street from where I’ve parked the minibus.
‘Sorry, Maeve. I couldn’t bring the bus down here.’
We reach the end of the narrow street and look out on the market square in front of us. It’s like a Christmas card, just as I imagined. A quiet town, with tall half-timbered buildings all around, dark wood beams, tiny windows and very pointy red roofs. There are little chalet-type huts all the way round the square and even a carousel with painted horses and carriages. It’s beautiful and so peaceful. It actually brings tears to my eyes. Maybe it’s tiredness, but suddenly I’m gripped with fear. Part of me wants to turn around and head home. What if Heinrich is nothing like he is on Messenger? What if … what if he isn’t like I’ve imagined him to be? What if this is one big mistake, like last time? Or, if he’s as lovely as he sounds, what if I’m nothing like he imagined me? What if I’m a big disappointment? I’ll be left with nothing. Maybe I was better off not knowing, enjoying our long-distance relationship … well, friendship. I expect you have to have met, maybe had some sort of physical contact, for it to be called a relationship. If only I’d told myself that last time! But I was enjoying Heinrich’s and my friendship. Our nightly conversations with a glass of wine, discovering each other’s interests and finding out new things about our lives and the businesses we work in.
‘Don’t worry, dear.’ Pearl is at my side. ‘I’m sure he’ll be just like you imagined.’ It’s as if she’s read my mind.
‘But …’
‘What if it’s like last time?’ She raises a pencilled eyebrow.
What if it is like last time? I’ve always thought myself to be a sensible, fairly intelligent person. But clearly not.
‘We’re all here with you,’ she says. ‘That’s what friends are for. And you have your tick list. Stick to it, like you said, and you’ll know for sure this time. Now, let’s go in, shall we?’
The big wooden door, with a huge green wreath and ribbons on it, is suddenly flung back and a short, large-chested woman with two plaits piled on top of her head smiles and holds out her hands. ‘Willkommen!’ she announces. ‘Welcome to the Old Town and our Christmas market.’ She looks out towards the square, her smile slipping just a tiny bit. ‘It’s a little quiet at the moment, but don’t worry, it will get busier!’ she says, looking more hopeful than sure. ‘On Sunday, this place will be the best Christmas market around. We even have an ice rink coming!’ Then she laughs and her whole body wobbles. ‘Although that’s meant to be a secret. But as you don’t know anyone, who can you tell?’ She holds a finger to her lips.
‘Thought we were running away from all the Christmas hype,’ says Graham, with a wry smile and a slight slur.
‘We are here because Con—’
I nudge Norman in the ribs to shut him up, which makes him cough, and then I feel bad.
‘We’re here for Elsie,’ Pearl announces, drowning out all other voices. ‘She was a resident in our flats.’
‘Oh, lovely.’ The woman looks around for Elsie.
‘Here,’ says Pearl, holding the urn and lifting it slightly.
‘She loved Christmas,’ says Norman. ‘Christmas markets. She grew up in Germany. Moved to Britain. But she never forgot the Christmas markets.’
‘So we’re bringing her back,’ says Pearl.
‘It’s a bit bonkers, really,’ says Norman.
‘Christmas just depresses us,’ says Maeve.
‘If it hadn’t been for Elsie popping off, and the water being turned off …’ I nudge Norman again. ‘I’m just saying,’ he explains, ‘that we’re not really fans of Christmas.’
The woman stares at the urn for just a moment. Then she smiles again, warmly. ‘Of course. Well, come in. You are welcome whether you are here for the market or not.’
‘We’re after chocolate and beer!’ says Ron.
‘I’m here for the lederhosen!’ Pearl laughs in a strange high-pitched way.
We all turn to her, not sure what to say.
‘I like the way it squeaks,’ she says.
‘Well, we have pulled out all the stops this year.’ Our hostess points to the market. ‘We have Christmas … all wrapped up!’ Suddenly she laughs like Pearl, loudly, at her own joke, and we all join in. This town, I think, like our hostess, is utterly charming.
‘Maybe not the ice rink for us, though,’ says Maeve, holding her hands tightly in her lap and pursing her lips.
‘But it all looks lovely,’ I say. ‘Charming.’
‘We hope this will be our year!’ Our hostess sighs, letting her arm fall to her side and her shawl fall open. ‘There was a time when this town was everything you could dream Christmas would be. Nowadays, ever since … Well, who knows? It could all change on Sunday.’ She waves a hand in the air.
‘Sunday?’ I ask, wondering if this has anything to do with Heinrich and the project he’s been working on.
‘Yes, a big event. It’s a very important day here in the Old Town, didn’t you know? Come in, let me show you your rooms, fix you a glass of glühwein and I can explain it all. Now, some of you may need to share.’
‘Share? I could have stayed at home and had my own room,’ says Maeve.
‘Without any water or heating, though, Maeve,’ Di reminds her, as she guides Graham gently through the door. The pair look exhausted and I know she’s still got to help him get ready for bed and be there for him throughout the night. It’s never a rest for her.
‘I don’t mind sharing,’ I offer, just desperate for some sleep.
‘Nor me,’ says Pearl, quickly. ‘I’d enjoy the company.’
‘That’s settled, then.’ Our hostess clasps her hands on her belly. ‘I’m Anja.’
‘Pearl,’ I say quietly, ‘are you sure about sharing? I mean, if it’s not what you wanted, we could always go back.’
‘Nonsense, dear! It’s not what we expected, but it could be fun. And you have your date tomorrow. You’re just getting cold feet.’
But if sharing a room is not what we expected, the chances are my date won’t be either. I know that from experience. We’ll have come all this way for nothing and I’ll be back to square one. A new list to start ticking off.
‘And we’re here for Elsie too, remember?’ says Pearl, making me feel better that we’re not just here for my date.
‘I can’t remember if I recorded Coronation Street,’ says Alice.
‘Hope it’s a comfy bed. I do like a comfy bed.’ Norman smiles.
‘Not too many stairs,’ Di puts in.
‘I fancy a good pint. Nothing too fizzy!’ Ron says, puffing by the second step.
‘We’re here now,’ Pearl says, to everyone. ‘Let’s make the most of it.’ Everyone looks shattered. ‘Let’s just stay until Connie has her date. If we’re not having fun, and the heating and water’s back on in the flats, we can scatter Elsie’s ashes and then always leave if we want to.’
They agree and make their way upstairs behind Anja, who gives Pearl a grateful look.
I follow Pearl upstairs to our twin room, looking out over the square. As she uses the shared bathroom, I sit down on my bed. I pull out my list and the first box I need to tick.
‘Is he real?’ My pen hovers over the box.
My phone pings with a message. I pull it out of my shoulder bag, wondering if it’s Sam. B
ut, no, it’s Heinrich, checking I’ve arrived on schedule and if we can still meet for our date tomorrow. Pearl is emerging from the bathroom. ‘It’s him,’ I say. ‘Checking on our date tomorrow morning.’
Pearl smiles. But she looks tired too.
‘So, you definitely have a date tomorrow,’ she says, with a firm nod. ‘Whether he’s what you expected or not, it looks like he plans to be there.’
A bunch of excited butterflies have just been released in my stomach. ‘Yes! Looks like it’s really happening. I have a date tomorrow,’ I repeat, letting out a long breath. This may work out. Now I just need to find out if he is who he says he is.
I message Sam: I’m here! In Germany! The market is beautiful and the guesthouse really friendly. And Heinrich has checked that I’m here and ready for our date tomorrow.
He messages straight back: That’s brilliant, Mum! Remember to take your notebook. Do it by the book. It’s the only way. Let me know how it goes and that you’re safe. And, if you want, I can ring you, just in case you need a get-out.
I smile. It’s okay. I have Pearl with me. But thank you.
Have fun!
Thank you. Xxx
Love you Mum. Xxxx
And this time I find myself holding my phone to my lips. ‘Love you too, Sam,’ I say to myself, with blurry eyes. I sniff away the itchiness in my nose, put down my phone and do exactly what my son has told me to do. Play it by the book. I pick up my notebook and read the first question: ‘Is he real?’
If he’s planning on meeting me tomorrow morning, I think it’s safe to say that, whatever he looks or is like, he’s real. Tentatively, I tick the first box, then hold the list tightly to me.
I can’t get this wrong again.
FOUR
It’s the following morning. After last night’s glühwein and the fattest, juiciest sausages I have ever eaten, I’d fallen into a deep sleep, on soft pillows and wrapped in a thick duvet. I felt like I was sleeping on a cloud. Now I stare at myself in the mirror. I’ve changed twice already and am about to change again. I can’t work out what to wear.
