His breakdown tonight scared him more than he wanted to admit. Was the stress unhinging his mind? Could he face the fact that he might never remember his life from before?
It had been nearly three weeks since Karen found him. He had visited Amish and English farms all along Pleasant View Road. He’d spoken to dozens of families, and yet he was no closer to the answers he needed. No one knew who he was. How could he not be missed? Why wasn’t someone looking for him?
A chilling thought brought his overworked brain to a screeching halt. Maybe no one cared enough about him to wonder where he was.
What kind of man had he been? What kind of man wasn’t missed by anyone?
Panic rushed through him until he recalled Karen’s voice telling him he should pray for strength. He wanted to have faith in God’s goodness, but that was easier said than done.
He bowed his head, resting it on his folded hands, and spoke the words in his heart. “God, I’m floundering here. I’ve got no idea what You want from me. Karen says I need Your help and I believe her. She is the one good thing You’ve done for me.
“I can’t face this alone. You know I want answers. If I get them or not, well, that’s up to You. Just give me the strength to accept whatever comes and keep me from going insane.”
Raising his head, he drew a deep cleansing breath. Nothing had changed except for one small fact. Whatever happened, he didn’t have to face it alone.
The chill in the air soon drove him under the covers. Lying in bed, he knew he needed a new plan. The money he had wouldn’t last much longer. He could afford an other week, maybe two at the inn in Hope Springs when he left here, but then what?
One more unanswerable question. He wanted to scream with frustration. Rolling to his side, he resolved to stop worrying about the future and have faith.
He slept fitfully the rest of the night. It was still dark outside when he gave up. Dressing in the chilly room he chided himself for not banking the fire the previous night. The stove was stone cold when he checked it and the wood box was empty.
Pausing on the front porch, he glanced at the main house. All the windows were still dark, even the ones upstairs. He wasn’t sure which one was Karen’s bedroom but he knew she would be up soon.
How would she treat him after seeing him break down last night? Would she think less of him? Did she see him as weak, now? Her opinion mattered. Maybe more than it should.
After carrying in an armload of wood, John set to work rebuilding the fire. When he had a small blaze going, he closed the firebox door and straightened, noticing his ribs didn’t protest the movement. Physically, he was healing.
Mentally? Not so much. He needed something to do. Something to keep him busy besides endlessly turning over every rock in his mind looking for his memory.
A sudden idea occurred to him. Karen’s father needed help with the chores. Horses were something John seemed to know about. He glanced out the window toward the barn. He was up, he might as well lend Eli a hand.
He was in the barn thirty minutes later when Jacob and Noah came in yawning and with lagging steps.
“Morning,” John called cheerfully. He finished shoveling out the last stall, then laid his pitchfork and shovel on top of the heaping wheelbarrow.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Jacob demanded.
“Mucking out the stalls.” John started toward the rear of the barn.
Noah grinned and fell into step beside John. “Yippee. Now I don’t have to do it.”
Jacob chided Noah in Pennsylvania Dutch. John understood the tone if not the actual words.
Noah’s grin turned to a scowl. “I’m going to help Jacob with the milking.”
Looking over Noah’s head, John said, “I have one more stall to do. If you want to show me how to milk a cow I could help with that, too.”
“We do not need your help, English.” Jacob took his younger brother by the sleeve and pulled him toward the dairy cows patiently waiting by their stanchions.
After dumping his wheelbarrow load, John returned to the last stall. Slipping a halter on One-Way’s head, John led him out to the small paddock and turned him loose. Snorting and prancing, One-Way showed his appreciation of the open space by bucking his way around the enclosure.
Smiling at the animal’s high spirits, John said, “Work off a little of that ginger and maybe we’ll try some training later.”
One-Way trotted to the fence. Stretching his neck over the top boards, he playfully nipped at John’s sleeve, then took off like a rocket.
“I don’t care what you think of the plan,” John shouted after him. “There’s a harness in your future. You’d better get used to the idea.”
Chuckling to himself, John finished cleaning One-Way’s stall. After making sure all of the horses had hay, grain and freshwater, he brought the young Standardbred back in. Locking the stall door, John leaned on it admiring the horse.
Behind him, he heard Anna say, “There you are, John Doe. Have you forgotten where the house is?”
Stifling his amusement, John crouched in front of her. “I’m so glad you found me. I thought I was going to have to stay out here with the horses all day. Which way do I go?”
Anna shook her head as she grasped his hand. “Come, I will show you. Breakfast is ready.”
“Thank you.” Rising, he let the child lead the way, but stopped when he saw Eli watching them.
Anna said, “I found him, Papa. He forgot where the house was.”
Eli’s lips twitched. “Thank you, Anna. Run along and tell Karen we are coming.”
“Hurry up ’cause I’m hungry.” She headed toward the house at a run.
Eli moved to the nearest stall where a pretty brown mare with a white star greeted him. “Noah tells me you did his chores.”
“I hope you don’t mind. I felt the need to work. I’ve loafed long enough.”
“Work is goot for a man’s body and soul.”
“It felt good. It felt right.”
Eli turned away from his inspection of John’s work and began walking toward the house. “What are your plans now?”
John fell into step beside him. “I’ve talked to just about everyone in the community and I’ve come up empty. I guess I need to find work and a place to live now. I’m not giving up hope. I’m just being practical.”
Eli combed his fingers through his beard. “A job will not be easy to come by this time of year. What kind of work were you thinking of doing?”
“All I seem to know is horses.”
“I see. How would you break a green horse to harness?”
John answered without thinking. “You don’t break a horse. You train it.”
Eli eyed John critically. “That is true. How would you go about training that bay mare with the white star?”
“The first thing I’d do is get her used to having a blanket thrown over her. Then I’d work up to a partial and finally a full harness,” he replied almost by rote. Each step closer to the house and to Karen increased John’s dread. His palms grew sweaty.
Eli said, “That is what I would do, too.”
They reached the front porch and climbed the steps. John pulled open the door. Eli went in while John hesitated on the doorstep.
What would he say to Karen? How would she treat him? He rubbed his damp palms on the sides of his jeans.
Suddenly, she was standing in front of him. She held a pan of cinnamon bread with the corners of her apron. “Close the door, John Doe. You’re letting the cold air in,” she scolded. “And don’t forget to wipe your feet.”
Noah and Anna, already seated at the table, snickered into their hands.
Whirling around, she scowled at them and placed the pan on the kitchen table before moving back to the stove.
John relaxed a little. Okay, good. Apparently she wasn’t going to walk on eggshells around him. He wiped his feet, washed his hands at the sink and took his place at the table. A moment later she took her place opposite him. Everyone bowed the
ir heads for silent prayer.
When they were finished, Karen looked at John and said, “Pass the butter, please.”
No lingering glance, no pitying look, just pass the butter, as if nothing had happened. He appreciated her effort to put him at ease.
Everyone started eating. As usual, there was very little conversation at the table. Mealtime was for eating. John had learned that talk revolved mainly around what chores needed to be done and plans for the upcoming events such as the horse auction.
When the meal was finished, Anna helped Karen clear the table. Eli retreated to the sitting room to read his paper while Jacob and Noah finished getting ready for school. John remained at the table nursing his cup of coffee.
Anna gathered the tableware slowly, casting several speculative glances at John. Finally he asked, “What is it, Anna?”
“If I invite you to our school Christmas program, will you be able to remember that?”
He rubbed his hand over his chin. “I think if I write it down I’ll be able to remember. When is it?”
“It’s on December twenty-fourth.”
“Christmas Eve, I’m sure I won’t forget that. Have you been a good girl this year? Do you think Santa Claus will bring you presents?”
Anna laid a comforting hand on John’s arm. “There is no Santa Claus. Did you forget that, too?”
Karen rinsed a plate and set it in the drain board. “We do not believe in such things, John. For us, Christmas is a time to remember the birth of Christ.”
“You don’t exchange gifts?” he asked.
“Little things only on the day after Christmas,” Karen said. “It is a time to visit with family and friends.”
“Last year I got new mittens,” Anna added with a bright smile.
He wished he could remember a Christmas past. Would it ever end, these constant reminders that he was an incomplete man?
Karen saw the change come over John’s face. Before she could think of something to say he shot to his feet and said, “Have a good day at school, Anna. I won’t forget about your Christmas program.”
He lifted his coat from the hook by the door and was gone a second later. Karen wanted to run after him but she didn’t. He would have to come to grips with his missing memories in his own fashion.
Smiling at Anna, Karen said, “Go get ready for school.”
Before long she had all the children out the door. That first minute of blessed silence afterward was always the best part of her day. She finished wiping down the counters and the table and had just started sweeping the floor when her father came in from the sitting room.
“Where is John?” Eli asked.
She didn’t look up from her sweeping. “I don’t know. He left about five minutes before the children.”
“I’m thinking of letting him stay on a little longer.”
Karen looked up in surprise. “You are?”
“Ja.” Eli stared at her.
She started sweeping again. “If he stays it will make more work for me, but we could use the extra money.”
“He seems to know a lot about horses.” Eli slipped into his coat and pulled it over his sling.
Moving a chair, she swept under the table. She couldn’t believe her father was considering this. “Perhaps he could be some help to you. Until your arm heals.”
“Maybe.”
Karen swept her pile of dirt into the dustpan without looking up. “He may not want to stay.”
“Why do you think that?”
She straightened to meet her father’s gaze. “Plain living is hard for the English. He may want to live where he can have television, a phone or a computer.”
“I’ve not heard him complain about living plain, have you?”
“Nee, but he often goes into Hope Springs to use the computer at the library.”
“Well, if he wishes it, he may stay. I will tell him.” Eli opened the door and went out.
Karen backed up until she located a chair, then she sat down abruptly.
Would John stay?
Did she want him to stay?
The simple, frightening answer was yes, she did. With sudden clarity she saw exactly what she must do.
John stuffed the last of his meager possessions into his duffel bag. He started to close the top when he heard Eli call his name. He answered, “I’m in the bedroom.”
Eli appeared in the doorway. “John Doe, I have a proposition for you.”
“What kind of proposition?”
“I’ve been thinking. If you want, you could stay here until you find a job.”
“Stay here?” John wasn’t sure he’d heard correctly.
Eli winced and adjusted his sling. “I could use help getting the horses ready to sell. A horse that is trained to harness will bring more money than one that is not.”
John buckled his bag. “Jacob can help you with that.”
“Jacob must go to school, and he is already doing many more of the chores that I cannot do.”
“What if I can’t actually train a horse? I mean, I only feel like I know how.”
“We can work together. My arm is broken but my voice works. I will tell you what to do and you do it?”
John was so very tempted to say yes. This family had opened their home to him. He was comfortable here. Karen was here.
That was why he should go.
“Think it over,” Eli suggested before John could say anything.
Eli turned to leave but John stopped him with a question. “Have you told Karen about this?”
Chapter Ten
Eli gave John a sharp look. “Ja, I told Karen I would offer to let you stay on.”
“And she was okay with it?”
“She offered no objection. Why?”
Was that because she felt sorry for him or because she liked having him around? He wished he could ask her.
“I don’t want to make more work for your daughter.”
Eli cracked a wide smile. “She did say you would make extra work, but she also said we can use the money.”
John ran a hand through his hair. “Depend on Karen to tell the truth.”
“She speaks her mind. It is a thing she learned from her mother.”
John quickly made up his own mind. He walked toward Eli and held out his hand. “I will stay on one condition. If I’m going to be working for you I expect to pay less for rent.”
Eli’s smile widened. “We had best agree on this before Karen gets wind of it.”
“Before I get wind of what?” Her voice came from down the hall.
John braced himself to face her and pretend he wasn’t thrilled to be spending more time near her. He had no where to go. He apparently had no one who cared about him. So why shouldn’t he find some measure of happiness in the new life he’d been given?
“Looks like you aren’t getting rid of me just yet,” he called out.
She appeared in the doorway beside her father, her face serene and composed. “Then strip the sheets from the bed while I get clean ones and hurry up. I don’t have all day.”
Spinning on her heels, she took off down the hall and John heard the front door slam. He looked at Eli. “Are you sure she doesn’t object to my staying?”
“I would bundle up the sheets and have them ready for her if I were you.” Chuckling, Eli hooked his thumb under his suspender.
Feeling bemused, John stripped the bed. When Karen returned with the clean sheets neatly folded in a laundry basket John held the wadded ones under his arm.
She bustled in, put the basket on the bed and pulled the sheets out of it. “Put the dirty ones in here.” She indicated the basket with a nod.
Eli said, “Since you are going to stay, John Doe, I will turn on the refrigerator for you. It can be tricky to get started.”
As Eli headed for the kitchen, John stuffed his armload of linens in the basket then lifted it off the mattress so Karen could get to work. With a few flicks of her wrists, she spread the crisp white linen over the mattres
s and smoothed away the wrinkles.
As she was tucking in the far side, John set the laundry basket on the desk, turned the desk chair around and straddled it. Crossing his arms over the ladder-back, he rested his chin on his forearms. “Was this your idea? Not that I’m complaining, I’m just curious.”
She shook out the second sheet and let it settle over the bed. “It was not my idea.”
Disappointment pricked him but he refused to show it. “You’re okay with it, right?”
“Of course.” She wouldn’t meet his gaze. Instead, she kept her eyes on the task she was performing.
“It won’t be forever. Once I find a job I’ll be able to get a place of my own.” He knew he was being overly optimistic but he didn’t want her caring out of pity.
Stuffing the pillow into the case, she shook it down. “What kind of work will you do?”
“Whatever it takes. I don’t have much choice. I have to make my own way now.”
She paused, clutching the pillow tight to her chest. “I wish you well, John Doe.”
Was that a quiver he heard in her voice? He said, “Someday I will repay all that you have done for me.”
Turning to face him, she shook her head. “Nee, you owe me nothing. I will do everything I can to help you find a job.”
Was she hinting that she wanted him to move on? “Any suggestions where I should start?”
“The newspaper.”
“Right. I can see the ad now. Wanted: Man with amnesia for high-paying job.”
Throwing the pillow on the bed, Karen propped her hands on her hips and scowled at him. “With that attitude you will end up begging on street corners.”
Taken aback, he said, “I was joking.”
She kept her voice low as she glanced toward the door to make sure Eli wasn’t outside. “Finding a livelihood is no joking matter. You must be serious, you must work harder and smarter than anyone else and prove you can do the job.”
John held up both hands in a gesture of surrender. “Okay, I will.”
“If you go around feeling sorry for yourself then your life will be filled with pity and not with the blessings God has bestowed upon you.”
An Amish Christmas Page 10
