Whip Me, Beat Me,
Make Me Write Hot Sex:
A writer’s guide to BDSM basics…
and for those who are curious.
Tymber Dalton
www.tymberdalton.com
Whip Me, Beat Me, Make Me Write Hot Sex:
A writer’s guide to BDSM basics…and for those who are curious.
Copyright © 2012 by Tymber Dalton
Second E-book Publication: February 2012
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Chapter One: Why We’re Here
BDSM is one of the hottest selling erotica genres. No surprise, because it’s such a rich and diverse topic. For those familiar with the lifestyle, some of the fiction revolving around the BDSM world is, unfortunately, laughably lacking in accuracy.
That’s why I’ve created this primer of sorts for my fellow writers who want to dip their toe into the world of BDSM. To help them avoid common errors you won’t catch if you only do your research on Wikipedia. It’s impossible for me to cover everything, but if you email me with questions I’ll update this primer every so often and include those questions as covered topics.
This primer is also good for people who might have questions about the BDSM lifestyle but don’t know where (or who) to begin asking.
Ready?
Let’s begin.
First of all, let me tell you who I am and why I’m qualified to write on this topic in the first place. I do not claim to be an expert on all things kinky. No one can claim that, due to the richly diverse ways people go about practicing their kink. I have, however, done my research on the topics I’ve written about. I am active in the BDSM lifestyle as a switch, meaning I’m comfortable on either end of the whip, so to speak.
Some of you will be familiar with my books such as The Reluctant Dom, Domme by Default, Safe Harbor, and Love Slave for Two: Beginnings, where I use BDSM as an integral part of the storyline. Some of my books, like Fierce Radiance, Love Slave for Two, and Love Slave for Two: Family Matters only touch on certain aspects of it in a milder way.
I have done a lot of field research, as it were, on the topic. I have attended BDSM play parties, Munches, talked to people in the lifestyle, and made many friends there. I have had manuscripts vetted by seasoned members of the BDSM community. I have tried my hand at a more than a few things as a top and as a bottom. Trust me, you cannot write about trying to throw a singletail unless you have actually tried to throw a singletail.
The next two things I’m about to share with you will sound very contradictory, but you’ll soon see that, in fact, they aren’t.
1. No two players practice BDSM the same way.
2. Most writers inaccurately portray BDSM.
The problem is, like with any diversion, for lack of a better word, there are “one true wayers.” Or, as you might see it written on FetLife.com, “won twue wayers”. (WTW’s) There are people who will insist, no matter how much research you do, no matter how right you get it, that you still got it wrong because you didn’t write it their way.
Ignore them.
My book The Reluctant Dom was ripped apart by one reviewer for, according to them, not being an accurate portrayal of BDSM, because “no one they knew” practiced it like that. Despite the fact that not only did a Dom friend of mine with over twenty years of experience in the lifestyle vet the manuscript for me, he told me that he knew a couple that went through a similar situation as Kaden and Leah in my story. Also, I had a lifestyle slave contact me and tell me that she used to be a cutter and her sister slave used to burn herself, and that their two Masters have a pact that if one dies, the other will assume responsibility for the surviving slave. Another Dom I know locally, who has been active in the lifestyle for over thirty years, read “The Reluctant Dom” and told me I absolutely got it right. Not to mention I personally know people in the lifestyle who use BDSM play as a safe, alternative method of coping with stress or trauma. And those are just a few of many examples.
Now, that leads me to point number two. When I say most writers inaccurately portray BDSM, it’s usually because they don’t understand the underpinnings of the lifestyle. They don’t do adequate research on the tools and techniques, or they treat BDSM as a sex act like anal sex or the missionary position instead of understanding the mindset behind BDSM.
This is a different issue from people practicing the lifestyle in different ways. This means you cannot use handcuffs for suspension work (as I read in one story). You cannot keep someone tied up for hours in certain ways and expect them to not be injured. You cannot have a Dom or Top whaling on someone with a cane without regards to whether or not they’re cutting flesh—you can easily break the skin with a cane, or cause internal injuries. A woman who is dominant all her life with no submissive leanings whatsoever is not going to suddenly decide to be a lifestyle slave after a thirty minute play session. Also, keep in mind that just because someone has a kinky relationship doesn’t mean they automatically have kinky sex. Or someone might have kinky sex and a totally vanilla relationship.
While yes, you can take literary liberties, there is a huge difference between liberties and lazy writing. Start with some basis in reality so you don’t run your story off the rails.
After reading quite a few fiction BDSM books and realizing they all shared one fatal flaw—lack of accurate research—I decided it was time to write a primer to help my fellow writers. Especially when I asked around and found that several of them had never witnessed any BDSM activities first-hand, and that they got their information through second-hand sources.
You cannot get your information about BDSM from reading other fictional BDSM books. Trust me, most of those authors didn’t do in-depth research. At least, not the authors of many of the books I’ve read. Not to mention people in the lifestyle also read erotica, and if you commit fatal errors in your manuscript, you will lose them as a reader.
Another issue is that, frankly, many editors are not versed in BDSM. They can easily miss errors. If you want to accurately write about BDSM and you don’t practice it, or you don’t want to do real-life research, hook up with someone in the lifestyle (who isn’t a “won twue wayer”) to read through your manuscript for you and give you a thumbs up or down.
What I’m about to tell you should not be taken as the final word on the topic of BDSM. Your mileage and experience, if you have real-world BDSM experience, might vary. This is simply meant to be a guidebook to help you avoid the common pitfalls a
nd errors plaguing much of BDSM fiction written by vanilla writers. (By vanilla, of course, I mean someone who isn’t into the lifestyle.)
How can you do your own research? Start with a site like FetLife.com There you can hook up with kinksters in your area, meet with them for a Munch (a vanilla lunch or dinner where everyone gets together to talk) or at the very least make contacts locally you can talk to and ask questions. Don’t be afraid to say hey, I’m a writer and I need to do research. I did that, and I was welcomed with open arms. Other writers I’ve talked to who did that also reported the same thing. Don’t lie to them.
Also, as a writer, know that rule one in the lifestyle (after “no means NO”) is that you never out someone. Period. (Unless, of course, they do something like murder someone, duh.) So as long as you make it crystal clear to people that you have no intention of exposing anyone, your privacy will also be respected. My local friends in the lifestyle joke that they know anything they say around me can and very well might make it into a book. And yes, some things have. However, I always make sure that when I use a real life instance for a fictional scene, I always change the details and the players so there is no possible way it can be associated with the original participants.
In fact, one of my Dom friends, whenever we see him always pulls me aside and says, “Have I got a story for you!” I love that guy. I’ve also discovered that a lot of the people I’ve met in the lifestyle have awesomely, wickedly warped senses of humor in greater concentrations than I usually encounter in the vanilla world.
If you are invited to attend a play party or Munch, go! Ask questions. As is often stated, if people didn’t want to be watched at a party, they’d stay home and be kinky in their living room. At one party I was asking a Dom about one of his floggers, and within five minutes I was surrounded by several Doms showing me their floggers and explaining the differences to me. Another Dom friend of mine gave me lessons on throwing a singletail whip (not as easy as you might think it is) and I let him do cupping on me. (I’ll explain that in another chapter, it’s sort of like a massage, and my shoulder felt sooo good for a week after.)
I learned that many BDSM players frequent tack shops when they don’t own horses, because it’s cheaper to buy real riding crops (they’re frequently a better quality too) than to buy riding crops sold online in fetish shops. I learned why suspension cuffs are almost a requirement when playing like that, and how they differ from regular wrist cuffs (and how those differ from handcuffs). I learned the difference between canes and crops, between stingy and thuddy floggers, and why ceiling fans can be dangerous when you use a singletail! I went to FetCon in Tampa and learned why a $30 corset can’t compare to a $300 custom-made corset.
These are things I never could have learned from Wikipedia. If you want to write about it, you need to learn about it. Remember, just because a kink doesn’t appeal to you, as long as it involves consenting human adults—meaning no kids, no animals, no people unable to give consent— then yeah, it might squick you out, but something that gets you off might squick someone else, so it’s best to adopt a “live and let live” policy.
Remember, this is not meant to be an all-encompassing, etched-in-stone explanation of the hows and whys. This is merely an introduction to the topic to help cut through the confusion. Everyone practices BDSM and kink in their own way, and it might totally differ from how another person practices it.
If you’re looking to dip your own toe into the pool, keep this in mind: define your relationships your way, not the way you think they need to be, and not just because someone else does things that way.
So let’s get you up to speed on the basics. Come with me, grasshopper, and let me broaden your kinky mind.
Chapter Two: What is BDSM?
BDSM is an umbrella term that overlaps a wide variety of activities that range anywhere from weekend bedroom games to serious twenty-four/seven lifestyle activities. It is commonly stated that BDSM stands for:
Bondage and Domination (or Discipline)
Domination and submission (capitalization and lack thereof deliberate on my part)
Sadism and masochism
Okay, technically true. But the truth is (refer to rule number one) that there are many people out there who practice only one or two aspects of BDSM. And to make it even more confusing, there are people who are in “taken in hand” relationships, or who practice “domestic discipline,” who totally disassociate themselves from BDSM despite their relationships having certain overlapping aspects of BDSM.
What is a fetish versus a kink? Well, that’s hard to say. A normally vanilla guy might really enjoy looking at blonde women. That might be something that pumps his woody. That could be said to be a fetish. If he follows them on his knees and offers to suck their toes…that might be considered a kink. (Or, it could still be a fetish.) The terms can overlap. What your grandmother might consider kinky might be considered vanilla by other vanilla people.
Part of the confusion comes from personal perception and experiences. Most young girls and boys go through a “they have cooties” period in their life when thinking about the opposite sex. Once they hit puberty, they’re suddenly looking at those formerly cootie-infested people in a whole new light. What I might have considered kinky years ago, I now, because of my research, see as nothing special.
When my husband and I attended our first play party, I basically used him as a human shield as we wandered through the playspace and watched and asked questions. He wasn’t much more comfortable than I was. But now, we can go to a play party to meet up with friends and stand there talking over the buffet table, while only feet away someone is being beaten into an orgasm, and our only reaction is to either joke about it, or raise our voices just a little so we can be heard.
It’s all about your frame of reference.
If you’ve ever trolled the Internet for BDSM videos (in the name of “research,” of course) and come across websites like kink.com or others, and seen leather and Latex-clad Dominatrixes whipping the snot out of cowering guys, don’t assume that’s how everyone does it. Just shut down your browser and step away from the computer.
The truth is, most of the BDSM video content you see for commercial distribution is the equivalent to Playboy or Penthouse for vanillas—it’s not reality, it’s wank fodder. It’s created to sell.
Most of the people who practice BDSM are not at the extreme end of the scale. Yes, there are edge players, people who enjoy going that far or playing that heavy, but most people are closer to the middle or vanilla end of the kinky scale.
If you’ve ever enjoyed being tied up in bed while your significant other has their way with you, technically, you’re into bondage.
“But I’m not one of…those people!”
Oh, really? But you enjoyed being tied up, maybe you even enjoyed it when they used a blindfold on you. Or maybe you enjoyed it when they came home, shoved you down on the bed, and told you they were going to have their way with you.
Hmm, sounds like you might enjoy being submissive, too.
“But I’m not submissive! I’m not one of…those people!”
Okay, do you see where I’m going with this? Those people are doctors, lawyers, moms, dads, teachers, police, military personnel, nurses, government workers, fast-food servers, truck drivers, sons, daughters, husbands, wives…people.
Just. Like. You.
They are no different than you, except they’ve dared to embrace certain aspects of their personality or sexuality. Remember, some people aren’t into BDSM for the sexual aspect of it, they are just into it because they need someone to be in control in their life. Then there are those who are only into it for the sexual kink. And there are people everywhere in between.
Why are people into BDSM, or non-vanilla types of relationship dynamics? I can’t tell you that. The reasons are as varied as the participants.
There’s another common misconception I want to blast out of the water right now. Most people into “public” BDSM usually are
n’t having sex in public. Especially in a club where the general public has access. (An example of this would be a fetish night held at a bar where zoning laws governing behavior allowed in an establishment with a liquor license prohibit public nudity and/or sexual activities.)
I see your raised hand, and yes, I know that it’s not uncommon for submissives/bottoms to have orgasms during scenes. That’s not sex.
That’s all right. I’ll wait while you digest that.
Okay, let’s back up so you understand how I can make that statement.
Some people might only enjoy being tied up. Some people might be pain sluts (or pain pigs) and have no desire to have a Master/Dom. Some people might only like the submission aspect and have absolutely no desire for bondage or pain. Some aren’t submissive, but like to bottom. Some people are Tops but they aren’t sadists, they’re service tops and enjoy topping. And that’s not even a complete list of the possibilities.
Some people who are lumped under the BDSM umbrella only enjoy doing things like walking around in fetish gear. That might be a man who puts on high heels and a corset, a straight man who doesn’t consider himself a cross-dresser, but he enjoys dressing up like that in certain situations.
The BDSM “umbrella” is often referred to as WIITWD (What It Is That We Do). Some consider this a more inclusive term to basically separate vanilla from kink. You can be kinky and not be into BDSM.
Remember that old joke that kinky is using a feather and perverted is using the whole chicken?
Again, just because someone is into Dominance and submission doesn’t mean they engage in any type of sensory/impact play or bondage. It might just be a relationship dynamic and they have vanilla sex. But they might still consider themselves kinky.
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