by Lesley Jones
“Seriously? You’d do that?”
“Yeah, I think we could give them a better life out there. There’s gotta be more important things in life than what car you drive, what bag you carry, or what sunglasses sit on your head.”
“Too fucking right there is, and not only that, over there we’ll have my family nearby. A support network. Fuck. You’ve just made the worst day of my life a whole lot better.”
“I couldn’t have made it much worse really, could I?”
I leaned in and kissed her gently on the mouth.
“We’re not gonna keep bringing it up, remember?”
“Sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry, don’t ever be sorry. I promise to not keep bringing shit up, but you’ve gotta promise me that you’ll never do anything like this again. That about killed me today finding you in that room like that.”
She closed her eyes, and twin tears landed on my shirt.
“I’m so sorry it was you. I went there so that it wouldn’t be.” I pulled her closer and kissed the top of her head, just holding her.
I didn’t know or care what the nurses thought when they came in later. I wasn’t leaving, so I turned her back around and slept with my wife held safely in my arms.
I would have liked to believe that things went straight back to normal after that, but this wasn’t a fairy tale, and they didn’t.
I was assessed by a psychiatrist and a psychologist and was allowed to go home two days later. Three meetings a week were set up to see the psychologist, one for me on my own, one for Liam on his own, and one for the two of us together. He found it hard at first to open up and talk to a stranger, whereas I had verbal diarrhoea.
I found talking things through extremely therapeutic, and eventually Liam got on board with it, too. After a few weeks, we both got a lot out of the sessions.
We both learned to communicate better, and found out that one of our issues apparently was that we were so in sync and in love that we just assumed that the other one knew what we were thinking, and that was just not the way life went.
But we were getting there and had our last session a couple of weeks ago.
It took three months to find an anti-depressant that didn’t leave me pinging off the walls or comatose, and once the doctors got my newly discovered anaemia under control, I had more energy. I had been taking my “happy” pills, along with some anti-anxiety medication for four months and I felt great.
Neither of us stuck to our agreement not to bring shit up, and we had some almost divorce causing arguments, but those in and of themselves had been cathartic. We aired things that we needed to get off our chests.
Liam was so angry. It took a lot to convince him that what I did wasn’t about what I felt for him, it was about me and my issues. He struggled a little bit at the beginning with trust, panicking if I didn’t pick up my phone or if I was late getting home from somewhere, always calling to check where I was, what I was doing, if I was okay. It made him sound like a perfect husband, but it wore thin very quickly. He eventually realised it was becoming a problem and let up a bit.
We did make good on our plans to move, and in August, the house was sold, our belongings packed and shipped, and were on their way to Australia. I would miss England, but Nan was happy in her little house and had a new “friend” Harry, who was fourteen years her junior.
Luke was coming out to join us for Christmas and had promised to make the journey at least once a year. I figured he just didn’t want us coming to crash at his house and invading his space.
Sasha flew straight over when I came out of hospital, but she could only stay for two weeks. She said she needed to see for herself that I was doing okay and to deliver the bollocking of a lifetime. I planned to check in with her when I got settled in Australia. Something was going on with her, but I had no clue what. She wasn’t happy, though, despite her telling me to the contrary, I just knew it.
I messaged Will via Facebook and told him of our plans, and he wished us luck. I wasn’t surprised that was all I got. I’d not seen him for years, and I couldn’t remember the last time he called. Though, I did see a photo of him in a magazine with some young model on his arm, and I couldn’t be happier for him.
Lori was a massive help, too. She’d stayed with us for four months, helping me get back on my feet, with the kids, and with all of the organisation it took to move.
Dan joined her a few weeks after she arrived, and they finally came clean about being together. Apparently, they had been on and off again since the wedding. Liam had a minor conniption when he walked in on them having sex one morning. He’d taken the day off work, I was doing the school run, and they thought they had the place to themselves. They didn’t.
And that was us. Our chaotic lives all packed up and ready to start our next adventure.
PRESENT
I swing on to our driveway and have to hit my brakes. A skate ramp has been constructed in the middle of my route to the garage and two bikes, two skateboards, and a scooter surround it.
I reverse and pull up on the nature strip, smiling to myself as I exit the car, taking a moment to admire my boys’ work.
Opening the front door, I take a deep breath, inhaling all the smells of home and letting the stress drop away. The house is quiet, but I can hear shouts, screams, splashes, and music coming from the pool area. Throwing my keys down on to the bench top, I grab a beer from the fridge and make my way towards the bi-fold doors.
Leaning in the doorway, I watch the reasons for my existence from where I stand.
Carter is on the edge of the pool, trying to bend Archie into the perfect shape for a dive. Flynn, who is as fearless as ever, runs to the pool edge, jumps, and summersaults into the water.
I hold my breath, and my stomach churns as he does it. My whole body is poised for action in case he mistimes the move and cracks his head on the tiled edge that surrounds the pool. He doesn’t.
Carter shouts at him to be careful and not to splash Lucas, whose little head I can just see bobbing about in the water; his floaty jacket keeping him buoyant.
My eyes move to my wife. Sarah. My heart. My home. The centre of my fucking universe. Every single one of my nerve endings ignites and converges in my chest, causing it to tighten the way it does each and every day when I walk through the front door and see her. Today, she’s wearing a bikini and lying on a sun lounger and has her bare legs stretched out in front of her. The sight forces those nerve endings to end their journey at my dick, making it twitch.
She’s still a little slimmer than I’d like her to be, but she’s regained most of the weight she lost.
Last year, we were in a very different place her and me. A dark place I hope we never return to.
She looks up from her Kindle and shouts out a reprimand to Flynn.
“What have I told you about doing handstands into the pool? You’ll crack your head one of these days.”
“It wasn’t a handstand it was a forward roll. You never told me I couldn’t do one of them.”
Smart arse.
“Well, I’m telling you now. No getting in the pool doing anything that involves you being upside down”
“That’s just boring.”
“Do as you’re told, Flynn! You’ll only end up in your room again,” Carter tells him quietly.
“Well, them’s the rules, Flynn Delaney. There’s always homework to do if you don’t like them.”
“Okay, no upsidedowning into the pool. I’ve got it.”
“Good boy.”
I watch her smile before going back to whatever smut she’s reading.
I’m still wearing my suit pants and a dress shirt and tie. As much as I want to go and change, I know if I step onto the back deck wearing my boardies, the boys will have me in the pool in an instant.
I love my kids, but they’re not the reason I’m home early today. Sarah is.
She’s been quiet for the last week or so, and I can sense her pulling away. I know that it’s a battle for her almost every
single day not to disappear inside herself, and I won’t let that happen. I’ll give her the space she needs, I’ll make sure she gets back on her meds if that’s what’s required, and I’ll help out with the boys as much as I can while she gets through this.
What I won’t do is leave her to confront her demons alone. I’ll be here to hold her hand and her heart until she can breathe by herself again. I missed all of the signs last time, and I’ll be fucked if I ever let that happen again.
Kygo’s “Curtain Call” starts to play over the sound system. I both love and hate this song. It could’ve been ours, mine and Sarah’s.
I drain the bottle, step back inside to the fridge, and grab us each a beer before heading out to the deck. The thought of us ever being over intensifies my need to talk to my wife.
I’m almost at her side before Carter spots me.
“Dad, hey. You’re home early, can we take the boat out?”
“Dad.”
“Daddy.”
“Missed you, Daddy.”
I hear the calls from each of my kids as they jump, dive, and splash around in the water, and there’s nothing in this world that can stop the smile that pulls at my lips.
“Hey, boys, missed all of you, too. Not tonight, bud, but I promise we’ll take it out on the weekend.” He nods and dives back under the water to continue swimming circles around Lucas.
I keep moving towards Sarah, who’s lowered her sunnies down her nose and is watching my approach. Her smile is almost as big as mine, her one dimple on show.
“Hey, pretty girl, I couldn’t help but notice you from across the way over there and just wondered if you’d like to have a drink with me?”
I hold out one of the bottles, about to join her on the lounger.
“Don’t sit down.”
I stop in my tracks and look down at her.
“No? You don’t want my company?”
“Yeah, but walk over there first.”
“Where?” I look over my shoulder to where she’s pointing. “The pool fence?”
“Yep. All the way, and then I want you to lean over and grab Lucas’s truck.”
I look down at my wife and wonder what she’s up to before passing her both the beers and doing as she asked.
She says nothing as I take the twelve steps required to meet the glass pool fencing. I lean over it, retrieve the yellow truck, and head back towards her.
She licks her lips and looks up at me. “Your arse looks fucking amazing in those suit trousers.”
I throw my head back and laugh. “You’re looking at my arse? You sent me all the way over there, just so that you could check out my arse?”
“Damn fucking straight I did.”
“Whatever happened to my non sweary pretty girl?”
“You turned her into a gutter-mouth sweary pretty girl.”
“Yes, I did.”
“You love it.”
Jesus. I do. I love this woman so fucking much, and it hurts my heart that she has to deal with the shit that she does.
I lean down and lift her up, then sit down behind her. Leaning against the lounger, I open my legs and pull her back into my front.
She puts one of the beers down on the ground and passes the other to me, before leaning her head back against my chest.
I slide my hand to the side of her face and cup her jaw, angling it so that my mouth can reach hers.
My tongue invades her mouth, seeking out hers.
This is us. Her and me.
“Woohoo. Look at Dad kissing Mum like that,” Cater calls out.
“Wait for it.” I smile as I talk against Sarah’s mouth.
“Hey you, Dad,” Lucas calls out. “Stop kissing her. She’s my pretty girl.”
Sarah’s shoulders shake as she laughs, and I laugh with her.
“Not today, bud. Today, she’s my pretty girl and for the rest of the night, too.”
I wink at Sarah as she smiles up at me.
“Why are you home so early?”
“I wanted to see you.”
She lifts her sunnies from her face and sets them on her head.
“Missed me, have you?”
“I always miss you.”
She turns her head towards me but I can’t see her clearly enough so I twist her around so that she’s straddling me. It’s our favourite conversation position it’s pretty good for sex too.
We search each other’s eyes for a few long moments, and our smiles slip away.
“Why are you really here?”
I look over her shoulder and watch the boys for a few moments. Carter has Archie on his shoulders, Flynn has Lucas balanced precariously on his, and they are all firing Nerf guns at each other.
“Like I said, I’ve missed you. I’ve felt you pulling away the last few weeks.”
She loses a breath of air at my statement. I know talking about her depression can bring on her anxiety, but I’m here. We’ve got this.
“Breathe, baby. Deep breaths, and then talk to me.”
She does exactly that.
“Everything’s so perfect right now.”
I nod my head, scan the pool to check that there’s still four heads above water, and then look back at her.
“Everything is pretty perfect right now.”
“But I can feel myself slipping.”
“I can see you slipping, but don’t worry, I won’t let you go.”
“I know but I feel so bad. We’re in a good place. It’s just—”
Her face crumbles, and tears spill from her eyes and land on my light blue shirt as she looks down into my lap.
“Why can’t I just be happy? Look at those beautiful boys, my gorgeous husband, and this house. This house, Liam, it’s all just so perfect.”
I pull her against my shoulder, but she resists and sits back so that she’s looking at me as she talks.
“Somebody told me once that happiness is a choice. That if you choose to be happy, it will come to you. I do choose it, Liam. Every day, I choose it. I’ve been happy lately, but these past few weeks . . . I don’t know.”
She wipes her face with the backs of her hands and looks around, instinctively checking on the boys.
“What do you need?” I ask her. My heart hurts and my throat and chest feel tight as I watch the tears roll down her cheeks.
“You want some time away? A break from us, from me? Just tell me, and we’ll sort something out.”
“No, no break.” She shakes her head as she speaks. “But thank you. Thank you for offering, for putting up with this, and for loving me. I honestly have no clue where I’d be without you.”
“Don’t thank me, Sarah. I’m your husband, we’re a team, and we’re in this together.
I lost sight of that once, and I almost lost her, I’ll never let it happen again. I was so wrapped up in setting up a business that I didn’t see what was going on right under my nose.
The past year or so has been fucking tough and almost cost us our marriage. We’ve seen counsellors, doctors, experts and specialists, but what got us to where we are now is our love for each other.
When it first happened, I had no clue it was happening. My wife was disappearing right in front of my eyes, and I never noticed a thing. It wasn’t until everything turned to shit that I took a breath, stood back, and looked at the bigger picture. I realised that her light had been fading for months, years even, until eventually, it had gone out.
In the beginning, it was so hard for me to understand what she was going through. In my head, she had everything—a beautiful home, a husband that worshiped her, and four healthy and amazing children. Yeah, our lives were busy, incredibly so, but we made it work. Between school runs, football training, playgroup, swimming lessons, and work, our lives were run with military precision. The problem was, we forgot to factor any time in for each other. I never saw that she was fading away.
When she told me in the hospital that she felt worthless and invisible, I was shocked and ashamed that I had no fucking
clue she felt that way. Together we had worked hard to get back to us, and I wasn’t going to let her slip . . . not even an inch.
Our lives have changed immeasurably since then. We sold our home in England, spent three weeks in the States doing all things Disney, Universal, and Epcot. We then did a six-week long tour around Australia before settling here in Sorrento, Western Australia. My parents and both sisters live within a ten minute drive.
I’m still in partnership with Luke, but we’d moved our whole operation to Australia, and he is now living here, too.
Life is a lot slower here, the pace kinder. I work half the hours that I did in England and I’m earning twice the money. Our offices are based in Perth which means I have a longer commute but I don’t work weekends and rarely stay after five. Meaning, I get to spend more time with Sarah and the boys.
“Dad, can we have steaks tonight?” Flynn calls out to me from the pool.
“Sure thing, mate. If that’s what you fancy.”
“Can I help you cook them?”
“Yep.”
“Cool. Thanks, Dad.”
“No worries.”
“I don’t know where he puts . . .” Sarah trails off as she looks over her shoulder.
“Shit that kid’ll be the death of me.”
“Running forward roll into the pool?”
“Yep. He’s gonna crack his head one of these days.”
“I thought Mum told you no upsidedowning into the pool,” I call across the garden.
He surfaces from under the water and flicks his hair back from his eyes. Either oblivious to, or simply ignoring the fact he’s just been reprimanded—my guess is the latter. I know my kid. He throws Sarah a cocky smile, and I can’t help but chuckle.
“You hear me, Flynn?”
“What?”
“No forward rolls into the pool.”
“Sorry. I forgot.”
Flynn is our daredevil child. He’s not scared of anything or anyone. Carter is our leader and organiser. We never got to the bottom of his bullying phase in England, but we’ve seen no evidence of it here. Archer, our athlete, loves football and hates that it’s called soccer here. And Lucas, he’s the brains of the bunch, he’s not started school yet, but he sits and copies the homework that the twins bring home and sometimes finishes it before they do.
