Adam released a satisfied sigh. “What the hell are you trying to do to me?” he asked in a daze. He muttered a few more inaudible phrases and then the gentle twirling of my hair in his fingers became a more intense pull that sent a chill down my back. He was close. Very close.
“Just like that,” he whispered and I got wet all over again, doing as I’d been commanded. His hips worked to my pace and I looked up to see his expression again. Tense. Sex-drunk. Ready. It’d be any second now. His stomach flexed and his head lifted from the headboard as a deep moan vibrated from his chest. My hair was knotted around his fingers and I waited in anticipation to taste him—all of him. And then… I did.
“God, Aubrey…” followed by a long grunt through Adam’s clenched teeth was the soundtrack to his release. I didn’t pull away, didn’t slow down; rather, I just stared at his expression until he was done.
When I released him from the lip-lock I had on his manhood, he sank into my mattress, spent. I got to my feet and proceeded to wipe him down with a clean cloth from the basket near the closet. He was almost too weak to even move. Taking the towel to the hamper, I made my way back into bed and found my place beneath Adam’s arm, which I’d already deemed my favorite place on Earth.
“Stay with me tonight?” I asked, not wanting to sound needy, but unashamed of the fact that I hoped he’d say yes.
He kissed the top of my hair and then rested his cheek there before answering, “I’ll stay with you always.”
The morning of Representative Garcia’s block party, you would hardly know this was the same neighborhood—fresh cut grass, dozens of cops and vendors lining the sidewalk. Since mentioning the gathering to Adam a few weeks ago, a concert featuring local bands performing Motown classics had even been added to the event. It was safe to say that the city had really gone all out this time.
Rissa clapped her hands and pointed when a clown passed by, but not Gabby. “I swear if that dude comes within twenty feet of me, I’m gonna spaz out. I don’t do clowns,” she warned, causing Adam and I both to stifle a laugh. She eyed us. “Y’all laughing, but I’m dead serious. You’re strapped, right, Adam?”
He looped his arm around her shoulders. “Nah, not tonight, kid. Looks like you’re gonna have to duke it out with Bozo the good old-fashion way.”
Gabby shot him a serious look that morphed into a smile. “You’re so helpful,” she said with an air of sarcasm.
Adam released her and took Rissa from my arms when she reached for him and I took a moment to look around again. Representative Garcia had done a great job pulling the community together for this event. There were neighbors out socializing that I hadn’t laid eyes on more than twice since moving in years ago. The best part? It was all free.
“There’s my girl,” a familiar voice called out from behind. Adam’s mom, Cindy. The first person she went to was Rissa, who surprised Adam with the excited wriggle that she gave. Cindy pinched Rissa’s cheek and then kissed her forehead—just like Adam had a habit of doing to me. I smiled, thinking his mother was the one he’d picked the habit up from.
Joan wasn’t far behind. She approached carrying four folding lawn chairs. Instinctively, Adam moved to help her, but then remembered he had Rissa. I laughed at the awkward movement he made and then took my daughter into my arms again so he could help his mothers—Joan with the chairs, Cindy with a cooler and a bag that held two or three blankets. Clearly she planned to stay all the way up until the fireworks display at the end of the event. There were people who lived in this neighborhood who weren’t as comfortable here as she and Joan seemed to be. I watched her, seemingly at home amidst the sea of strangers. She, Joan, and Adam stuck out like sore thumbs being the only people as far as the eye could see who weren’t either African American or Hispanic—except for the cops and some of the vendors.
Joan took to a folding chair as soon as Adam arranged them all in a semi-circle, spreading out a blanket in the middle for Rissa. Gabby sat on the cover as well, having a pretend argument with Rissa over a plastic toy phone.
“Aubrey, who might this beautiful young lady be?” Joan asked. “If I had to guess, I’d say Gabby?”
I smiled, now used to the fact that Adam had shared so much about our life here in the city with Joan and Cindy. It made me feel like we, the three of us—Gabby, Rissa, and myself— were all important to him. “Then you’d guess right.”
Joan nodded in Gabby’s direction. “Nice meeting you, sweetheart.”
Gabby waved once shyly before going back to playing with Rissa. Joan sat back and gave our neighborhood a quick glance. “Seems like a relatively tight-knit community you all have here.”
I shrugged. “Relatively. For the most part, everyone stays to themselves, but on occasion you’ll see people come together for a good cause. Like today.”
I’d turned back toward the girls when Adam standing to his feet caught my attention, bringing my eyes to a face I’d seen before… Don, in full uniform. Adam had made mention of some of the other officers being here to maintain order, but I wasn’t expecting his partner to be one of them. My posture stiffened, but I made up my mind not to let my distaste for him, or any of the other men Adam worked with, obvious. It was bad enough I couldn’t hold my tongue a few weeks ago at the restaurant. I wouldn’t make a scene in front of Adam’s moms, too.
Don shook Adam’s hand, greeting him with a dry, “Hey” after eyeing me, Rissa, and Gabby sitting nearby. I thought I’d imagined a weird vibe from him the night at the restaurant, but twice now he’d snubbed me, bypassing me completely to get to Cindy and Joan. This not being the first time someone had treated me this way without the behavior being warranted, I shifted my eyes elsewhere and ignored his presence altogether. He didn’t see me, so I wouldn’t see him either.
“Don! Good to see you!” Cindy said as she was taken into a friendly embrace. It didn’t surprise me that they knew each other so well. Don stepped back and slid his hands down inside his pockets, taking in the scenery, turning his nose up at my neighborhood. If I had to guess he was making a mental note of everything he saw wrong with it. No, it wasn’t perfect, especially if anyone knew that it was me, but the last thing we needed around here was for outsiders coming in and judging.
I shook off the negativity coming from the direction of Adam’s partner and focused on the festivities instead. Rissa gave a short, warning cry, letting me know she was tired due to her not taking a nap. I watched her lower lip quiver as tears welled in the corners of her eyes. The second I scooped her up, she again reached to my right, aiming her arms toward Adam.
I shot Cindy a ‘can you believe she just chose him over me’ look that made her and Joan both laugh as Adam did Rissa’s bidding, letting her rest the back of her head against his chest.
“You know, I’m starting to see a pattern,” I said, leaning in so only Adam could hear. “You’re making a game of stealing the hearts of us Phillips women. First me, now my baby,” I joked.
Adam chuckled, placing a kiss on my cheek before backing away again. The gesture didn’t go unnoticed. Everyone saw it, including Don who cleared his throat as an uncomfortable look spread across his face. Adam and I weren’t hiding that we were officially together—had been for nearly a month now, meaning we were beyond public displays of affection being awkward. Gabby gave a smile and I imagined she was remembering a time when I was resistant to the idea of Adam being in my life. That seemed like so long ago.
“It’s getting dark,” Cindy commented. “Won’t be long before the fireworks start. How’s the little one do with all the noise?”
I told her the same thing I’d shared with Adam. “She’s actually fine with stuff like that. It was storming pretty hard when she was born. Most people don’t believe me, but I swear she’s been like that since day one.”
When I finished speaking, I noticed Don watching Adam out the corner of my eye, staring as he held Rissa in his lap. He’d looked at him the same way the only other time I’d met him, the night at the re
staurant—when Adam was again holding Rissa. Was that it? Did he have a problem with him holding my daughter? Subconsciously, I started observing him more closely. Sure enough, when Rissa took Adam’s thumbs in her tiny fists and made him clap along off beat to the music coming from an unseen speaker across the yard, Don got that uncomfortable look again.
“How old is the kid?” he finally asked, jutting his chin out in Rissa’s direction.
“She’s one,” I said flatly, beginning to put two and two together.
Don nodded and then laughed a little, lifting his eyes to meet Adam’s. “Had no idea you were up for a round two,” he said under his breath, leaving our group with those parting words. Confused, I searched Adam’s expression for answers—answers that never showed through on his face. Cindy shifted in her seat a little as Joan leaned in to whisper to her. Next, Cindy placed her hand on Adam’s knee as if the gesture was meant to console him. But console him for what? I felt like I was missing something—something that every other adult in our semi-circle knew except for me.
Just when I’d gotten up the courage to inquire discreetly, Adam was on his feet carrying Rissa a few feet away to a bush where three or four fireflies had convened. He smiled at the look of amazement on her face, seemingly unaffected by whatever Don had hinted at, but I was the master of hiding my true feelings about things. In other words, I could spot someone doing the same from a mile away.
I sat back, crossed my legs, and watched Rissa scamper away with Adam close behind. Still entranced by the strange bugs, she walked clumsily in a zigzag pattern. All tension Don had brought with him melted away in that moment, watching the best part of me bask in the innocence of her childhood.
“Good evening, citizens!” a voice rang out over the speakers placed about the yard. When I glanced over toward the makeshift stage, Representative Garcia had the mic in hand, wearing a smile that conveyed pride. Adam looked up too, but quickly went back to just watching Rissa chase the insects. “I won’t be before you long,” Garcia went on. “… but I felt it would be a shame to have so many fine Detroit residents gathered together and not bring you all up to speed on some of the programs that have been implemented recently. As some of you may already be aware of, some of the city’s best and brightest police officers have been strategically placed in various, high-crime areas, with the intention of increasing police presence throughout these neighborhoods. It is my hope that these brave men and women will encourage an environment of peace, safety, and trust.”
Garcia looked down at the notes that had been prepared for a long time, allowing dead air to linger. When he met the gaze of the crowd again, he stuffed the cards his speech was written on into the pocket of his lapel.
“I’m going to go a little off topic here,” he said solemnly. “This city deserves more than some stuffy monologue given by me—a man that some have expressed not being able to relate to.” He paused to chuckle. “Some having done so quite vocally.”
The crowd laughed along with him.
Garcia loosened his tie a bit and then spoke up again. “It’s no secret that Detroit residents have had an ongoing love/hate relationship with local law enforcement. If you haven’t had a negative experience that has affected you personally, just turn on the news. Complaints about slow response times, police brutality, profiling… I’ve heard it all, and I’ve taken it all to heart.”
I watched Garcia intently, surprised by how sincere he seemed. He had me, and all the others, fully engrossed in his impromptu speech when a heavily decorated military officer, accompanied by another man in dark clothing, stole my attention when they appeared in my peripheral. Without reason, my heart sank to my stomach. After the brief discussion with three cops who’d been standing by, they resorted to inquiring with residents of my building, as if they were looking for someone—someone with ties to a person in the military. Their faces were grim and I felt bile creeping up my throat, but I couldn’t look away. All I wanted was confirmation that they were looking for someone other than me. However, that hope was shot down when my neighbor’s finger lifted in my direction, singling me out of the crowd. Right away I made eye contact with the soldier…
… And then I read the look on his face.
“No… no.” With a hand to my mouth, tears were already stinging my eyes. They couldn’t have been here for me; I didn’t believe that—couldn’t believe that. Because if they were, then that would mean they were here to tell me Javi was…
No. They were looking for someone else.
I got out of my seat and started across the grass in what felt like slow motion when the officer came my way. My mind was focused on nothing but finding out why these men were here. As I approached them, still trying to convince myself that their expressions weren’t filled with remorse, the trace of courage that I had slipped away and my steps slowed to a dead halt. Holding his hat in his hands, the officer came the rest of the way, followed by the other gentlemen in dark clothing—clothing I could now identify as that of a clergyman. I felt like the blood had drained from my face as I tried to keep standing upright.
In those last few seconds it took for them to reach me, I rewound the last decade of my life, all the way back to the day Javi and I met. Once upon a time, all I saw was him. He loved me at a time when I felt unlovable, wanted me at a time when I felt unwanted. That mattered. We were kids then, innocent with our whole lives ahead of us—or so we thought. If that had been true, this wouldn’t have been happening now.
“Aubrey Phillips?” the officer asked hesitantly.
I gave a weary blink of my eyes in response when words failed to come out.
“We have this as the last known address for Private, Javier Ruiz. Is this information correct?” he asked.
I could only shake my head in disbelief, seeing where this conversation was headed.
“Is he…?” I couldn’t even get the words out—couldn’t believe that Javi was gone, that my baby wasn’t going to have her daddy. I knew what that was like and wanted so much more for her. Not only that, regardless of the problems Javi and I had, I still cared.
I still cared.
The minister stepped forward and placed a hand on my arm. “Is there somewhere more private we could speak with you? We tried your apartment first, but… ”
I let my hands fall at my sides and cut him off. “Please… just tell me. Tell me he’s okay.”
The men looked at one another and the officer took a deep breath. “We’re terribly sorry, ma’am, but… Private Ruiz’s… his convoy was attacked a short while ago and…”
I shook my head wildly, taking several steps away from the men. The officer paused midsentence. He looked down when tears began to roll down my cheeks. “Ms. Phillips, due to the nature of the attack… all soldiers involved have been presumed dead.”
I watched Rissa’s amazement, her tiny hands cupping mine that held the firefly I caught for her. The little bug glowed, creating a flashlight effect through the spaces of my fingers and Rissa couldn’t get enough of that. She’d kept trying to grab at my hands and eventually settled hers on top of mine. This kid was a wonder to me, both she and her mom with their effects, the ones that hit me right at the core, deep in my heart. I should have been seething by what Don said but when I thought about how it felt to hold Aubrey, see her daughter here and now playing before me, nothing else seemed to matter. No one else or their opinions. I’d built a connection with these two, hell and Gabby as well, and it was about time I let myself. I would let myself. I needed them, possibly even more than they could ever need me.
“Adam.”
One of my moms had come over, my stepmom Joan, and I smiled at her, but the alarm on her face made that leave. In my distraction, I lost Rissa’s firefly and the beginnings of a cry touched her throat, watered her eyes. I brought her into my arms, patted her back, and when she settled against me she stopped.
Standing with Rissa, I hitched her up on my side. “What’s going on?” I asked Joan but instinctually I gazed past
her. I didn’t know why but I did and I instantly stopped on Aubrey. She was in my mom’s arms, Gabby’s hand rubbing soothing circles down her back, and she was crying.
I didn’t think, parting the crowd to get to her, Joan following close behind. A ringing sounded behind my ears as I studied Aubrey’s physical form from a distance. She didn’t look hurt but I didn’t know that for sure. Through further studying, I noticed two men, one official-looking with medals adorning him. I knew right away he was some division of military by his clothing, but I also noticed something else; he had his hat in his hands, gazing somberly at a crying Aubrey while she gripped a paper in her hand. Aubrey knew someone in the military. She knew someone, and now she was crying in front of two people who looked to be delivering news.
Oh, God, no.
As I got closer, the initial conclusion I created only got worse. One of the men said, “I’m so sorry to tell you this, ma’am,” the other that they’d be in contact, before moving away from her.
My mom whispered something in Aubrey’s ear and her watering eyes met mine. She went to me and with no other questions, no words, I had my arm around her. Joan slid Rissa from my arms and they both went there, right around her. Holding her, I still had no clear conclusion about what’d happened, what these men had come for and what they said, but I knew it was bad. It had to be if it was strong enough to break this woman in my arms.
I stared at Rissa hours later, pushing a block her way she reached across the carpet for. She took it, hitting it up against another and the sound caused her to giggle. I watched the glee shine throughout her little face. She was completely unaware, a happy child unaffected by loss. She wouldn’t know for a long time. She couldn’t understand for a long time.
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