We were bundled up and toting gifts for Adam’s moms when he stopped me, my hand on the doorknob. My gaze met his and it was then that I realized that, while he was acting like himself again, there was still something behind his eyes, something troubling.
“Aubrey, I…” he stuttered.
I stared. I waited.
Adam chose to train his eyes on the floor instead of my face.
“Yes?” I asked.
Silence. A few seconds passed and Rissa was starting to wriggle anxiously in my arms. When Adam was finally able to look at me again, he forced a smile.
“I love you,” he said, still seeming troubled in my opinion.
Confused, one corner of my mouth turned up. “I love you too.”
He took my hand and I realized his were trembling a little. “No matter what, I just need you to know that,” he concluded.
Everything was not okay; something was definitely going on.
Aubrey’s sudden hand in mine garnered my attention. She’d pushed her hand across the console of my car, sliding it into my own and mingling our fingers together. With her touch, she’d broken up the tone of this ride to my moms’ house, the one filled with silence, aching silence. Other than Rissa, the journey to the suburbs would have been completely silent. Every once and a while she’d giggle, point to a beautiful white-washed home and say, “See!” She’d always follow the word with a “Mommy” or, to my anxiously beating heart, a “Daddy.” I would always make eye contact with her through the rearview mirror no matter what she said, smile at her, but every time she said the name she’d given me, the role she allowed me to have in her life, the statement reminded me greatly that I was a filler, and worse, that I’d taken something that didn’t belong to me. I hadn’t felt that way before when she originally called me her dad last night, but something changed from then and until today.
Something that had her mom put her hand in mine now.
Aubrey knew something was wrong, that something changed. She wasn’t saying it but she didn’t have to. There was a sudden awkwardness between us, one in which I knew I very much put out there. Her eyes kept escaping the road in front of her and the buildings passing by her to me.
Squeezing her hand, I tried to stay cool, tried to be normal again. I kissed the back on her hand while I drove, my lips lingering for longer than I meant to. I didn’t mean to kiss her like that; as if I’d lose her if I stopped. Her eyes went to me, and I passed off what I did with a smile, dropping her hand to my lap.
I have to say something. I have to make things normal—for now.
“You never told me how the party went last night,” I told her, my gaze steady on the road. She never did and that would allow me to ask more questions. Things I needed to know.
I felt her eyes on me. My stomach flipped a bit and not in a good way, but then, I glanced and caught her lips moving into a smile. The anxiety in my gut dwindled, though only just a little.
“No, I didn’t. Did I?” she said with a laugh. A laugh so beautiful, so goddamn beautiful. “It was great. Though I think Joan and Cindy spoiled my child for her entire adolescent life with their attention and gifts. Tell me again why we’re going over there today so Rissa can get even more?”
I actually laughed at the teasing in her voice and it was genuine. “You’ll have to forgive them. They haven’t had a baby around in a long time.”
I turned my head and watched her smile in a way that sent my heart soaring. God, how had things turned in this direction so quickly, and on today of all days? But then I realized something, since the jump, Aubrey and I had to leap through hurdles, her not trusting me, not trusting anyone, in her life, and then later with Rissa’s dad passing. Her dad. Javier Ruiz…When I opened Aubrey’s closest that morning, saw that program…
I knew those hurdles were here to stay.
“Your moms may have mooned over her,” Aubrey continued, breaking me out of my thoughts. “But I think Javi’s mom took the cake last night.”
And there came back my anxiety. She mentioned Javi, his mother. I dampened my mouth. “Oh, yeah? How so?”
She lifted her hands, animated with her story. “The woman gave her a handmade rocking horse. So beautiful, like the ones you’d see on a carousel. I don’t think you saw it. I put it in her closet.”
I shook my head, confirming I hadn’t.
“Rissa and Emelia spent hours playing on it.”
I closed my eyes slowly, opening them back to the road. “Emelia?” I asked. I had to ask. I had to, though I think I knew my answer.
“Yeah, that’s her cousin, Javi’s niece. Josephine, Javi’s mom, brought her over. Emelia’s mom had to work. But I told you they’d all be coming over.”
The names all passed before, looping around like a wild web. Though seeming in disarray at first, they all rested flat in front of me, completely connected and perfectly symmetrical. They fit together snuggly like pieces in an intricate puzzle, and my heart dropped to the pit of my stomach. Aubrey’s hand suddenly felt heavy in my lap and I lifted it, feeling that weight at first. But then, it was gone, as if sand in an hourglass slipping through my fingers. I no longer felt her. She was there. I could see her hand in mine, but I couldn’t feel her. I had a similar feeling that night I made love to her, the night before she wanted distance from me. I knew though, today she wasn’t the one fading away.
It was me.
I tried not to stare at the empty finger on her left hand. Aubrey said she wanted to save our gift exchange for tonight. But after today’s realization, I knew I couldn’t give her gift to her right away. I tried not to think about the fact that I might never get to give it.
“Adam, are you okay?”
My eyes flashed from the road to her worried gaze, but she couldn’t have been more so than me. She pushed some of her dark curls behind her ear, her hand brushing her dangling earring on the way back down to her lap. “Do you not want to talk about them? Does it bother you if I talk about Javi and his family? I know he’s my ex.”
The guilt hit me hard, deep inside my chest. It had been building upon me slowly, but now, it was even heavier. “No, I want to hear about them,” I told her. “Please keep going.”
And so she continued.
“There’s my baby girl!” My mom’s hands went under Rissa’s arms and the next moment she had her pressed against her chest. Rissa giggled at the repeated kisses to her cheeks, so rosy from being outside in the cold.
“Mom, at least let us get her coat off first,” I said, but there was no annoyance in my tone. If anything there was a bit of heartache there. In fact, I knew there was. My moms wanted grandchildren for so long. Because of me, they lost Abby. God, would I cause them to lose Rissa too?
Mom ignored me while Joan shooed off my words with her hand, her other going to Rissa’s face while my mom rocked her, a song in her voice. I found I couldn’t look at them all together without that ache in my chest growing, but I forced myself to.
Aubrey didn’t mind my parents at all, helping her daughter out of her jacket around my moms’ hands. She placed it over her arm, but I took it from her.
“I can hang it up,” I said. “And yours too.”
She gave it to me willingly and I left her, heading toward the closet down the hallway. What I didn’t expect was for her to follow me.
“God, I can’t get over how beautiful this place is,” she said, marveling at the house I grew up in. The living room could be seen from the hall, its large windows letting in the day’s afternoon light. A roaring fireplace to the left of that crackled away, my moms’ Christmas tree’s lights flickering. Cindy’s dog, Sammy, lain lazily in front of the gifts. The collie was so old, but still trying to protect the bounty behind her.
Aubrey went to her immediately. Sammy lifted her head and I was glad she had the energy to entertain. I feared for a moment Aubrey followed me for a reason to the closet, wanting to be alone, to talk, and the collie saved me from that. Even if only for the time being.
&nbs
p; Moving over to the pair, I watched Aubrey move her hand over Sammy’s fur. The ham that she was, Sammy fell to her back and let Aubrey rub her stomach, making her let out an “Aww” at the dog’s sweetness. I never got to know Sammy as well as I would have liked as my moms got her after I left home and went out on my own. They never would say it, but I think they got Sammy because of how empty the house was after I was gone.
“Doggy! Doggy!” Rissa’s excited steps thumped across my moms’ linoleum floor as she passed through the kitchen to get to the living room. Her feet silenced when she went to the carpet, all grabby hands toward Sammy.
“Oh, dear. She found the dog,” Joan joked, tagging along after her.
Rissa slammed into her mom as Aubrey wrangled her, intercepting her to help her play with Sammy. “Gentle hands, baby. Gentle hands,” she said, stroking the dog as an example.
Rissa sat in Aubrey’s lap, watching her mom’s demonstration, really watching for guidance before she put her tiny hands on the dog.
“Gentle, gentle,” she said softly, moving her hand with the growth of Sammy’s long hair. She learned so fast, grew so fast, and the thought choked me that I’d miss any of it. Was I being punished? Still, after Abby’s accident? I couldn’t help but wonder.
I jumped a bit when my mom’s hand landed on my back. Leaning in, she whispered. “Help me with lunch?”
But as I followed her, I knew there was more to what she said than that. Especially when she directed me to sit in front of the bar, well away from the grilled chicken sandwiches she was constructing. She didn’t want help. Not at all. She wanted to talk to me.
“Well? What’s going on?” she asked, spreading sauce on a bun with a spoon.
I turned my head, watching Aubrey, Rissa, and Joan before getting up. My mom didn’t question as she lowered her spoon, letting me take her away, and still didn’t as I escorted her into the study, asking her to take a seat.
She kept silent the whole time, the entire time I poured my heart out to her, and when it was over she put her hand to her mouth, tilting her head.
“Oh, Adam,” she said and I knew why. She understood how bad this was, how terrible. I thought this case at work was finally over but it seems it never would be. For years the case had been at the back of my mind, achingly long years, and I couldn’t let it go. I couldn’t stop myself from dwelling on it, the case hovering over me constantly as I did my job, lingering with me well after Manuel Lopez was behind bars. I continued to let it stay with me every day I did my rounds. It caused me to often check up on the Hispanic communities in town, check up on Josephine Ruiz and her grandchild, Emelia, though from a distance so she wouldn’t know. But that man Don and I stopped that day in traffic because of his music, let me know people did know. They knew I was there and still felt for these people long after the fact, long after they lost a member of their community due to my partner, and really, myself too. I was there. I was a part of all this and couldn’t escape responsibility for that.
“My partner killed Javi’s brother,” I said, if to my mom, if to myself, I didn’t know. Either way it hurt to say the words aloud, to make them real.
Don killed Carlos Ruiz in a robbery gone wrong. Carlos, son of Josephine and father of Emelia Ruiz, and now, as I found out upon seeing his program this morning, the brother of the late Javier Ruiz, the man who also happened to be the father of a little girl. A little girl who was now calling me “Daddy.”
The whole thing made me sick to my stomach.
Taking a seat on the arm of my mom’s end chair, I scrubbed my hand over my face. “What should I do, Mom?” I asked, though I didn’t stare at her. I stared only ahead, lost at the information, lost in my thoughts.
Placing her hand on my lap, she grabbed my hand there, smoothing her own over it. “You gotta tell her the truth, sweetheart.”
I knew she’d say exactly that. I knew I had to do exactly that. But that realization didn’t make things any easier, didn’t lessen the pain of the thought.
She squeezed my hand. “And probably sooner rather than later, love. You don’t want her to find out on her own. You don’t want that,” she paused shaking her head. “You don’t want that.”
My lids lowered over my eyes. I was going to propose to the woman I loved tonight, finally make this thing that took so much strength to build permanent between us.
Again, I asked myself if I was being punished.
I followed behind Aubrey, a sleeping Rissa in her arms as I toted gifts from my moms’ over the threshold to her apartment. I didn’t ignore the fact that I thought of this place as being hers, not mine alongside hers. It never was mine with her.
“God, your moms.” She laughed, rubbing Rissa’s back. The little girl lifted her head, yawning sleepily as she allowed her mom to take her jacket off. I helped her after I placed the gifts down, so she could get her own off as well.
“What about them?” I asked, taking both jackets and hanging them up, then my own. I planned to stay, if only for a little bit.
Aubrey had taken the baby down the hall before she turned at my question. “Nothing. They just love her so much you know.” Her eyes twinkled at the words. Like beautiful starlight, and they were. She was the bright light in my dark universe. Always had been.
“Yeah,” I said, trying not to dwell on what she said. They did love her, which made this whole thing so much harder.
Aubrey continued on down the hall with her daughter. “I’m going to put her down real quick. Be right back.”
I let her go, and then went to the couch. I didn’t take my shoes off. I didn’t feel the need. Absentmindedly, I picked up the remote. Turning on the TV, I clicked through the channels, hoping to distract myself. But then, the very topic that consumed my thoughts blasted before me across the television. I shouldn’t have been surprised they were discussing the case on the news tonight despite it being Christmas. Chief said the verdict happened yesterday.
This all felt so fitting that when Aubrey finally came from the hallway, I didn’t turn the TV off. Perhaps, this being on would help me explain. What I didn’t anticipate was her bringing my present, wrapped so perfectly in gold paper. She had the square box in her hand, chewing her plump lip, and my stomach turned for what felt like the hundredth time that day.
She set in on my lap and I simply stared at it, looping my finger around the matching gold ribbon she tied it with.
“I left yours upstairs,” I told her, thinking about the white-gold ring with hollowed diamonds on the band and a square cut diamond in the center. I saved a few months’ salary for it. I even wanted to dip into my savings but something told me Aubrey wouldn’t have wanted that. She never liked being fawned over. Something I loved about her.
“It’s fine. I want to see you open yours first anyway,” her voice came from the side of me as she sat down on the couch. I couldn’t read her face as I refused to look at her. But I lifted my head when she picked up the remote to turn the TV off. She wasn’t doing so for any specific reason I didn’t think at first, but then her gaze stopped on the TV.
Staring at her, I watched her expression as she studied the news. Representative Garcia was talking, going over the victory he fought for by getting Manuel’s sentence lowered, and as he spoke, Aubrey’s expression changed. Her lips went tight, and then turned down. She lifted the remote again, shaking her head. “I’m so tired of hearing about this.”
Her finger rose to click, but I placed my hand on hers. “Leave it,” I said.
She did, and her look went curious my way. “Why?”
Sliding the remote from her hand, I placed it on the table. I didn’t want to do this now, not today, not on Christmas, but my mom was right. What if she found out on her own? I couldn’t risk that.
Letting out a breath, I turned my head to the screen. “Do you know the details?”
She nodded, but still eyed me curiously. “Yeah. That’s why I said I’m sick of hearing about it. The whole thing disgusts me what happened. I knew the g
uys involved. Not terribly well, but they were related to Javi. The whole thing was tragic.”
She said it disgusts her, which means inadvertently I disgust her, as I was involved.
Braving myself, I grabbed her hand, smoothing it between mine. I still couldn’t form the words, though. So weak, I couldn’t do it.
“Adam?” she asked, squeezing my hand. The continued worry in her large brown eyes killed me. “Adam, what’s wrong? You’ve been acting so weird today. You’re scaring me.”
My stomach clenched as if in a vise. I kissed her hand. “I don’t mean to do that, baby. I don’t…”
I shook my head, and she touched my cheek, making me stop. Pushing her hand behind my neck, she made me lean in toward her. “What is going on?”
I closed my eyes briefly giving myself a moment, but then, that moment was over. I couldn’t escape it forever. I had to come clean. “I didn’t think to tell you,” I started. “You know I never bring my work home with me. I just didn’t think.”
“What?” The word came out as a whimper, and I knew that she knew something. That this was bad. Something I was about to say was very bad.
I squeezed her hand, making myself look at her, right in the eyes. I couldn’t cower my way out of this. I couldn’t. Not anymore. “My partner and I were the cops involved in the Lopez case, which means we were there the day that convenience store was robbed.”
“You and Don?” she asked, her voice slipping from her lips.
I nodded. “We were there when—”
“Did you shoot Carlos?”
The words were sharp, slicing through my heart. “No. But I was there.”
“So it was Don?” she asked. “Don killed Carlos? Don killed Javi’s little brother. His sixteen-year-old brother.”
Every word blazed worse than before with their meaning. I smoothed my thumb along the back of her hand. “He did, Aubrey, and I’m so sorry. Like I said, I just didn’t think to tell you. Neither one of us talk about our work. If I’d known Carlos’ connection to you, Rissa, and Javi I would have said something. I knew Carlos had a brother. I just didn’t know it was Javi. Not until I saw Javi’s program today and read about his family. Josephine, Carlos, and Carlos’ daughter, Emelia. I didn’t even know Javi’s last name until I saw the program. We never talked about that.”
Only Love Page 26
