To begin with, the message board had made her feel so much more connected. Now, it was like a cruel reminder of what she didn’t have in any of her real-life relationships.
Fontaine: Yeah. It’s like people in movies understand what it means to be human, but people in real life don’t. Shouldn’t it be the other way around?
Twelve: You’d think.
Fontaine: I swear most of the monsters in movies are less cruel than people you have to see every day.
M.Dot: Agreed.
Emma felt an elbow in her ribs. She looked from the girl sitting next to her, to the teacher who was glaring at her, lips moving. Emma turned her aids back up.
‘— your time is more important than everyone else’s in the class? That there are some rules for you and different ones for everyone else?’
‘Sorry,’ Emma said and pushed her phone back into her pocket. She didn’t usually care if teachers got annoyed with her, but now, with everyone staring at her, she wanted to cry. It was all just too much, too hard. Ms Garret nodded curtly and went back to the lesson.
She hadn’t been intending to talk to her friends about this, but now she decided that they were better than no one at all. If she kept going the way she was at the moment, she really would burst into tears in front of everyone. This would be the most hideously embarrassing thing she could think of happening to her.
At lunchtime, Emma spotted Rain and River sitting in their usual spot: against the red brick wall of the school building. From there they could see over the quad, the basketball courts and down to the oval. It was the perfect place to survey the rest of the students at Cameron High, not that they’d ever admit to being interested.
‘Hey,’ Emma said, collapsing down next to them. ‘Ms Garret was being such a fascist. God, today feels like the longest day ever and it’s only just lunchtime.’
‘Come on, mate,’ Rain said, ‘don’t let that bloody galah boil ya blood.’
‘Yeah, pull ya head in, ya drongo!’
Emma groaned. Rain and River were her best friends, but they drove her absolutely crazy sometimes. They were twins, but not identical. Their mum wore long flowing dresses and talked about love all the time, and she had been the one to name them. Their stepfather was a banker and seemed to be in a suit all the time, even on weekends. Rain wore thick eyeliner and shaved off her hair last year to annoy her mother, and River had grown his down to his shoulders to irritate his stepdad. It was hard for them to find things that irritated both their mum and their stepfather, but they were always willing to give anything a try.
Rain and River were forever playing characters. Sometimes Emma found it hilarious. Other times, not so much. Today they were being Bazza and Sheila from the outback.
‘Heard you gave old Micko a smack down this mornin’?’ Rain drawled.
‘What, you mean Michael?’
‘Yeah, you little ripper!’ River answered. ‘Though I seen the way he stares at ya, the bloody drongo wants to pash ya all the way to Darwin.’
‘To Darrrrwin. Bloody Darrrwwin,’ Rain said and started laughing.
‘Bloody oath.’
‘No, he bloody doesn’t!’ yelled Emma, and that cracked them all up.
She grinned at her friends, the weight she’d been feeling all day easing a little. ‘Hey, guys, can I have your opinion on something?’
‘Yeah,’ said Rain, talking normally again.
‘Bloody oath you can,’ River drawled.
Rain elbowed him. ‘Stop.’
They both looked at her.
‘It’s no big deal, really.’ Emma felt embarrassed all of a sudden. ‘Something happened, ages ago now, that made me think back on everything.’
They were still staring at her, listening. It felt good, so, so good, to be finally saying this out loud.
‘What happened?’ Rain asked.
‘It’s about my parents. Not Ridha, I mean my mum and my dad.’
They nodded. They were always a bit awkward when it came to talking about Emma’s father. He’d died in the cave-in just before Emma was born. She’d never even met him.
‘It’s sort of a long story and not really the point. The point is,’ she swallowed, ‘I think my mum’s been lying to me.’
‘What, you think that maybe your mum was having an affair with Ridha while your dad was still alive?’
‘I don’t think that’s what she means.’
‘No, it’s not —’
‘That would be salacious though, wouldn’t it?’ Rain cut in.
River grinned and put on a voice: ‘Absolutely scandalous.’
‘That’s not it!’
They looked at each other, then raised their eyebrows at her. She’d yelled. She shouldn’t have yelled, but, God, these two could be so annoying sometimes. They never listened.
‘Sorry.’
Rain shrugged. ‘So, what were you trying to say?’
She could feel it on the tip of her tongue. I’m adopted. I think I’m adopted. No, I’m sure I’m adopted.
‘Doesn’t matter.’ She turned to River. ‘Hey, have you got your notes and stuff ready for the science prac?’
‘Oh yeah, can’t wait until that’s over. Next time, let’s not get stuck in a group with Tessie. I swear, she hates both of us. Don’t you reckon?’
‘Hey,’ interrupted Rain, ‘have you ever noticed that Mr Pullman looks like a fat Ed Sheeran?’
‘You’re right! Oh, honey, darling, how had I not noticed!’
‘Oh, my sweet petal!’
‘Oh, my gorgeous flower!’
Emma leaned back against the wall. They’d keep going like this for the rest of lunch. Against her hip, she felt the comforting buzz of her phone.
She’d give it one chance, one last chance, she decided. She’d go home tonight and really try to talk to her mum. Really try to get the truth out of her. If she couldn’t, then she’d do it. She’d ask her friends on the message board if they wanted to meet her in real life.
CHAPTER 2
TESSIE
Tessie squeezed her eyes shut and tried to breathe. Resisting the urge to gasp and swallow, she forced herself to inhale slowly. The sickening and all-too-familiar feeling of prickling heat was rising across her forehead. Tessie’s exhalation was mixed with a sob. It echoed back at her like a jeer.
She was sitting on a closed toilet seat in a cubicle in the girls’ bathroom. Luckily, there was no one else in this bathroom. Although if she was honest with herself, luck had nothing to do with it. Tessie always chose this bathroom, which was tucked away at the edge of the hall building, because no one ever really used it. It was small, only two cubicles and one sink, and was always a bit grimy. She guessed the cleaners often forgot about it too.
She checked her watch again. There was only five minutes until science class. Her heartbeat accelerated and she bent her head down onto her knees. She couldn’t do this. She couldn’t. It was happening, just like she had known it would. She’d be standing up in front of her whole class and everyone would see that there was something wrong with her. She knew she was being ridiculous. She knew she only had to speak for less than a minute. It should be easy. It shouldn’t be such a big deal. But it was. She’d been dreading it all week. Everyone would see that she was acting weird and then it’d make it worse. What if she vomited in front of the whole class? She could already feel it there. The cramping in her stomach, the taste of bile in her throat.
Tessie wished she was smaller. She often wished this. She was almost six foot already and had started to stoop. She wore sandshoes, even in winter. The soles so thin she could almost feel the ground through them, but she didn’t want to wear anything that would add to her height. It was like this with a lot of the things Tessie did. She wore clothes that she didn’t particularly like, but were the most boring option of what everyone else was wearing. No bright colours, just black, grey or dark blue. Some people thought of their clothing as being a form of self-expression. The idea was ridiculous to Tessie. She saw clo
thing as camouflage. All she wanted was to fade into the rest of the crowd. It also didn’t help that she was one of only about ten kids in the year who were Asian. How could you fade into the crowd when not only did you not look like everyone else, but you were also a head taller?
There was still a couple of minutes until science. Maybe she could run down to the nurse’s office. Try to convince her she was sick and had to go home. But she knew the nurse was onto her. One more time and she’d probably want to talk to Tessie’s mum about it. No, she couldn’t do that, but she couldn’t go to class either. There was no way.
Her pocket buzzed. She opened her eyes and pulled out her phone. Her fingers were so slippery with sweat it took her three tries to swipe across the screen to unlock it.
PumpkinDreams: Today is turning out to be the worst. One of those days where all that gets you through is knowing that you’ll be able to get into bed at the end of it and none of it will even matter.
Tessie smiled. That was true. Whatever happened, whatever she did, the sun would go down, today would end and she’d still be alive. She’d go for a run tonight. Everything would disappear around her, it would just be her legs working and her heart beating and all the thoughts pushed out of her head.
M.Dot: Until it all starts again tomorrow.
Fontaine: True.
M.Dot: But I hear you. Today has been the worst. Right from the beginning.
Tessie began typing.
Twelve: Another thing we’ve got in common. Though at least we have each other.
She pressed ‘send’ and leaned back against the tiles. It was then she realised she didn’t feel like vomiting anymore. In fact, she felt a little better in general. She remembered what the school counsellor had told her. That the more she did the things she was afraid of, the better she would feel. Pushing her feet onto the cracked tiles of the floor, she tried to focus on that. That was another thing he’d said. To focus on her body, not get lost in her head. She pushed harder, feeling the cold hardness of the floor through her shoes. She was just about to look at her watch again, when the bell rang.
She held her backpack straps between her fingers as she walked and forced herself to focus on them. The way the rough, plasticky texture felt against her skin. The way the heaviness of her bag dug into the flesh of her shoulders. People scattered and pushed loudly around her, but she kept her head down and ignored them all until she reached the science classroom. Inside, everyone was already in their groups, setting up their presentations. She smiled at Emma as she approached.
‘I thought you might not be coming,’ Emma said.
Tessie looked up at the clock. It was only two minutes past the hour.
‘Sorry,’ she said, unable to mask the annoyance in her tone. Her heart was already beating quickly again. Emma was looking at her, then she turned back to the microwave they were setting up. Tessie looked from her to the door — maybe she could run back out now. She shouldn’t have come. How could she ever have thought she could do this?
Why did Emma have to make her feel like she’d failed before they even started? Tessie didn’t like Emma. She was bossy and irritating, and always seemed to have an opinion on everything. Last year, Emma had been such a massive goody two-shoes. Now, she had a cool haircut and a nose piercing, and thought she was some kind of rebel. But still, Tessie didn’t want Emma to think she was weird. Quiet, fine. Boring, sure. Just not weird.
‘This is going to be so awesome,’ River was saying, ‘it’s going to look sick.’
Tessie put her bag down under the bench top and looked into the microwave. They’d almost finished setting it up. There were four small beakers holding up a glass bowl. Underneath the bowl was a cork with a toothpick stuck in it.
‘Are we going to destroy the microwave?’ Tessie asked.
‘Hopefully it blows up,’ River said.
‘Just focus on what you’re saying for the presentation,’ Emma said. ‘You’ve got it prepared, right?’
‘Of course,’ she said. She wanted to say something else, but looking closely at Emma, she noticed that something seemed a bit off about her. She looked really tired. Maybe she had been up all night worrying that they were going to mess up the presentation, like Tessie had. It had whirled around and around in her head. Each time getting worse and worse until the thoughts had mixed with dreams and then she had lived it in her sleep too.
‘Alright, settle down,’ Mr Pullman said.
River nudged Emma and started humming an Ed Sheeran song under his breath, which made Emma bat his arm and hiss for him to stop. Although she was smiling when she did it. It must have been some kind of in-joke between them. Tessie sat up on a stool. Emma and River didn’t want her in their group, she knew that. They were really close friends, and Tessie had only been put with them because she’d happened to be sitting next to them the day that Mr Pullman had given the assignment. It had been clear from the way they looked at her that they’d wished it had been anyone but her. Usually, it was easier not having any friends. It meant there was no one with expectations of you, no one who looked at you too closely. But at times like these, she wished that she had people who actually wanted her to be there.
‘We’ll go around the room clockwise for the presentations,’ Mr Pullman said. ‘That means Alex, Jack and Simon, you’re up first.’
Tessie scanned the room. Her group would be going third. She felt her stomach unclench just slightly. She knew going first would have been best, to get it out of the way, but every part of her was glad that they weren’t. She kept trying to focus on how good she’d feel after this, how relieved and proud of herself, and barely listened to the presentation going on. Then the second one started and her stomach began to clench again. She kept telling herself to think of afterwards, to convince herself she could get through it. She tried to concentrate on what they were saying, to listen to the music they were playing in their experiment about sound vibrations and radio waves. But she couldn’t. She just kept thinking about running outside to vomit.
Then the second group were going back to their seats.
‘Emma, River and,’ Mr Pullman checked his sheet, ‘Tess.’
Emma and River took one side of the microwave each and carefully picked it up. Tessie couldn’t move. She had to get out of here, to run. Why hadn’t she done it sooner?
They were placing the microwave carefully on the front desk, but Tessie still hadn’t left her stool. Mr Pullman looked at her. Then in her pocket, her phone buzzed. The vibration against her hip brought her back into the room. She could breathe again. She stood and quickly walked over to the front of the class.
‘Ready?’ Emma asked. Tessie put her hand to the hard square of the phone in her pocket. She could do this. She turned to the class.
‘Our experiment is about the electromagnetic spectrum. The spectrum is huge, but only a tiny percentage of it is visible to our eyes.’ Her voice wobbled slightly and just the sound of it was enough to make her stomach cramp again. She looked down at the paper. She was freezing. She had to look up, keep talking. Just repeat the words that had gone around and around in her head all night. Just a few sentences about the colours human eyes could see. But she couldn’t continue. She was going to be sick. She knew it. So she closed her book and stared at Emma, willing her to start talking. Emma glared at her, probably thinking that was all Tessie had been prepared to say, then she started talking.
‘The majority of electromagnetic radiation and frequencies aren’t visible to our eyes. For example, just outside of our field of vision is infrared light and ultraviolet light. Some animals, such as birds and fish, can see in these spectrums.’
Tessie’s head was buzzing with relief. It was over. Thank God, it was over. Now she just had to stand here while they showed the experiment and then she could sit back down and that would be it.
‘Can you close the blinds? And get the lights?’ Emma asked.
Tessie nodded and went over to pull the blinds across. She was so happy to be away fro
m all the eyes staring at her. The room was darker with the blinds closed. She snuck a look at everyone’s faces as she walked past them to the light switch. No one looked back at her, but still. They must have noticed.
‘Now, this is the awesome bit,’ River said, and he sounded so natural, like it was all no big deal. ‘You just have to light the end of the toothpick and it creates a plasma ball. It means you can see the actual waves of the microwave that usually aren’t visible to human eyes.’
Tessie noticed Emma staring at her in the instant before she turned off the light. She knew that there was something wrong with Tessie, something weird.
‘Scusey moi, honey-poo, I thought it was moi who was going to do the honours?’ she heard River whisper to Emma in a bizarre accent as she walked back up to the bench.
‘No way,’ Emma replied, ‘it was my idea.’
She heard the click of the lighter and then the golden light lit up Emma’s face as she touched the flame to the toothpick. It caught straight away. River lifted the glass bowl and Emma placed the toothpick back into the cork in the middle of the four beakers they had set up.
They closed the microwave and Tessie noticed that everyone in the room was paying attention. No one was sneaking looks at their phones, doodling in their margins, or zoning out. Everyone’s eyes were on that little flicker of fire that could be seen through the glass door. River turned it on and, for a moment, nothing happened. Then there was a loud electric buzz, like feedback on an amp. The bowl lit up orange. Everyone gasped in unison. The fire rose to the top of the glass bowl and seemed to stop there, floating, emitting lines of purple light. It was sort of beautiful. For a moment, Tessie forgot herself. She wished that it could have lasted.
As the rest of the class wore on, the weight of Tessie’s failure was heavy. If she couldn’t even say three sentences in front of the class, that probably meant she was getting worse. Soon, she wasn’t even going to be able to come to school. In some way, that option sounded great. To just spend the rest of her life hiding, watching television in the dark, with no pressure, or expectations or things that freaked her out. When the bell rang, Tessie almost ran out of the school gates.
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