Courtney frowned. “Mom, I don’t want that. Not now. You were at the funeral. You saw what Joe’s death did to that family. He’s much more likely to be hurt again now that he’s hurt. He’s going to be off his game and second guessing himself.”
Diane smiled. “I’ve been to so many funerals. Quite honestly, I thought that by now I’d be numb to it.” She recalled the many men that they had buried over the years, the continual expression of condolences, and the anguish of carrying the burden of her husband’s command, especially those nights when he cried himself to sleep. No, it had not been easy at all. “Joe’s was still difficult for me and Jeffery, because he had been under his command once.” She lifted a brow. “But men won’t stop dying in war because Brett retires or chooses to go back. There is nothing that you can do about it.”
Courtney knew that her mother didn’t mean to belittle her situation, but somehow hearing her mother’s words made her realize that her situation was not unique. And that scared her more.
“So you’re telling me that no matter what I feel inside,” Courtney wiped another tear, “he’s just going to go back?”
“No,” Diane said, sure of herself. “I’m telling you that eventually he will realize his walk, and no matter what he chooses, you have to be there with him. You’re his wife. The Marine Corps is his career. He shouldn’t have to choose because you make him. He should choose because he wants to. That’s the only way this game is played without shared resentment. Consent.” She moved a strand of her hair from her daughter’s face and smiled at her. “Till death do you part? That’s what you vowed. There was no clause about his job in your marital contract.”
Courtney was expecting some other advice. Her voice croaked. “I could not handle losing him, Mom. I just couldn’t.” Goose bumps formed on her skin. Her lip trembled at the thought of burying him in that casket. “He’s my everything. Am I just supposed to sit quietly by and watch him risk it all again because of pride… a bruised ego?” Her eyes raced up to her mother’s for understanding.
And Diane did understand, but she wasn’t sure that they did. “Brett loves you, and you love him, but you all don’t communicate well in crisis. Have you told him how you truly feel?”
“Yessss,” Courtney hissed.
“Have you sat down and really told him what you want for your life and what you want for his? Have you told him what this experience has done to you? Have you really talked to him about the choices that he has and what you want him to do with those choices? Have you asked him sincerely to allow you to be a part of this entire process no matter how it turns out?”
Courtney stuttered, “I think so.” In her heart, she knew that she had tread lightly on the subject since his return. With the paternity suit, the injuries, his teams’ deaths, there was little room to talk about what she wanted out of life or what she expected from him. And maybe there had been time but she felt selfish about bringing up her wants in the midst of everything.
“If you only think you have, then you haven’t.” Diane had hope for them, but she knew that they were young and needed guidance. “You need to talk to your husband. Not scream at him. Not curse him out. You need to talk to him and make him understand. Only you can do that. No one else can. And trust me, Brett will listen.”
Courtney unfolded her feet from under her and clutched the edge of the seat. “I’m afraid.”
“What are you afraid of?” Diane asked.
“I’m afraid that he’ll say no.” Courtney chuckled as she involuntarily sniffled. “What if he says no?” She looked her mother dead in the eyes. “Right now, I feel like I’m just the wife, just the mother, just the stepmother.” She swallowed hard. “I don’t feel like Courtney. I don’t feel in control of this situation at all.”
“Well that’s because you’re not in control.” Diane turned to her and held her hands. “God is in control. He’s always been in control. You, however, have the power to speak the blessings that you want in your life, over your life. You want this paternity case to come out in your favor? Speak it. You want your husband to retire? Speak it. You want your husband renewed and your marriage fixed?” She gripped her daughter’s soft hands and said the words firmly and with utter conviction. “Speak it, Courtney. Just like you need to talk to your husband, you need to start to speak over your family with authority.”
Courtney nodded in understanding.
Diane’s face was covered with tears. “I know this is hard on you, little girl. You didn’t exactly pick the easiest road in life. Your husband is a Recon Marine hoping to be a lifer with a son that is not biologically his, and now he’s injured and you’ve gone from a carefree existence to a mother with two young children and a wounded spouse.”
Courtney’s tears were infinite now. Hearing someone lay her life out there made her feel even more vulnerable.
“Yeah, it hasn’t been easy,” Courtney said, refusing to sound so glum. After all, they were now a lot wealthier. There was more to be thankful for than not, but somehow, she couldn’t keep her normal glass-half-full outlook on this one.
“Your father and I knew that it wouldn’t be easy. We worried…quietly. Jeffery especially. I think that’s why he was so hard on Brett when he first found out about you guys. It wasn’t that he cared about him being enlisted or white. He was worried about the consequence of falling in love with someone so much like him. Jeffery said a special prayer every night that those boys were gone. He didn’t want you to be a widow or to spend the rest of your life taking care of someone or missing the special touch of your big brother. He wanted more for you than he had given me, and Jeffery has given me so much.” She glanced over at the door and saw her husband’s shadow in the hall listening on. Turning back to her daughter, she lifted her chin. “But now that you’ve taken these vows, now that you’ve taken on this life, you have to make the most of it. You have to own it. The good and the bad. You can’t just run away anymore. People are counting on you.”
Courtney reached up and wiped her mother’s tear before it could fall from the side of her eyes. “Thank you, Mom.” Her voice was as soft as a gentle breeze. “I love you and daddy so much. You’ve been so good to me.”
“We love you,” Diane said, rubbing her daughter’s face. “We love all of you.”
***
Sitting like three whipped dogs at the bar of the Devil Dog Tavern, a seedy little pub off Marine Boulevard, Brett, David and Gavin enjoyed the simple pleasure of an ice cold beer and endless shots of Gentleman’s Jack.
The bar was a historic cornerstone of the grunt experience complete with a USMC flag that hung above the back of the bar, dated dark wood paneling on the walls, old wooden seats, a 30-year old pool table in the back next to a dart machine and poor overhead lighting. Pictures of Marines down through the decades lined the walls along with medals, news articles and nostalgic recruiting posters. It was like a Marine’s tree house. All it was missing was a No Girls Allowed sign, or at least No Good Girls.
Considering it was the middle of the week, the bar was nearly empty with only a few old Vets in the corner sitting quietly, starring into nothingness while they nursed their whiskey and occasionally breaking into conversation and a young couple hidden in a back booth whispering sweet nothings and kissing excessively.
An old jukebox near the bathrooms played non-stop Stevie Ray Vaughn while the old barkeep, a man in his 60s with a very large gut and a gray beard, stood at the far side of the bar watching television and cleaning glasses.
Brett felt like he was honestly at Disneyland. Every breath he took in smelled like stale cigarettes, greasy cheeseburgers and beer, none of which were acceptable at home. Not to mention that he hadn’t been out since he had gotten home. Being pent up in the house for weeks on end had taken a toll on him. He hadn’t realized how much until tonight. Everything started to fall apart, including his normally reserved behavior toward his wife. Now, she was pissed at him, and he didn’t blame her. But he couldn’t take it back. Partly, because
he meant every word he had said to her and partly because he doubted she would forgive him anyway.
Pulling himself away from his thoughts, Brett looked over at the two men beside him. “What a night, huh?”
David just nodded as he took another shot. He really was not interested in talking, just getting as fucked up as humanly possible.
“One night is just like the other,” Gavin said, arms leaning on the bar. Exhausted from the drive up from Wilmington, he was about to crash at the hotel when Brett had called him and invited him out for that beer they had previously discussed. In truth, Gavin was tired of being at bars, but he could hear it in Brett’s voice that he needed to talk. Maybe he needed to talk too.
Brett starred at himself in the mirror on the other side of the bar. He looked a damn mess. The bruises had gone but the scars were permanent. And yet, Courtney still loved him. “Your sister hates me,” he said to David.
David downed another shot. “She doesn’t hate you. She’s just mad at you.”
Gavin’s head quickly snapped over to Brett. “Why is she mad at you?”
David chuckled. “Because he’s stupid.”
Brett frowned. “I’m stupid?”
The alcohol burned David’s throat as it went down. Swiveling in his chair, he turned his entire body toward Brett. “You’re a damn good Marine.” He lifted a finger. “You’re the best Recon Marine that I’ve ever met outside of myself and my father. I’ll give you that, just man to man.”
Gavin raised a brow. This guy must not have seen him back in the day. He made these new guys look like choir boys when he had two legs.
Brett was taken aback by David’s compliment. He glanced at the shot glass. “Maybe you’ve had one too many of those, man.”
David rolled his eyes. “I’m not just blowing smoke up your ass, and unfortunately, I don’t even have a buzz yet. I’m just putting it out there.” He shrugged. “But you’re stupid because you don’t see that this transfer over to Wounded Warrior Battalion isn’t temporary.” He picked up another one of the shots lined up in front of him and downed it, then pushed the empty glass down the bar. He looked Brett in the eyes. “You’re not coming back.”
“You don’t know that,” Brett growled.
“I know it,” David said, putting his arm on the bar. “I’m your superior officer. You don’t think I know? Everyone knows.”
Brett shook his head. “I can beat this fucking injury.”
“Yeah, you can. You can beat it just enough to be transferred to an admin position. Your MOS has to change. You cannot continue with a…” David pointed at Brett’s leg. “You got shot by a fucking AK-47 in the leg!” he said in a strained voice, unable to understand how Brett didn’t get why returning was an option. “You should be glad that you didn’t get shot in the face.”
Gavin nodded in agreement. “Or in the balls.”
David motioned toward Gavin. He had a point. “Or in the balls,” he repeated.
Brett wiped a hand over his face. “No. I’m a fucking United States Marine…”
David cut him off. “So is everyone at the fucking bar. So are hundreds of thousands of other men and women. What is your point?” He frowned at Brett. “What? You think you’re special or something?”
“No, I don’t think I’m special,” Brett barked. Anger overwhelmed him. He hit the bar. “But what the fuck am I if I don’t have it? What the fuck am I supposed to do, if I’m not doing the job that I signed up to do that I was willing to die to do? Who am I?” His voice rose.
David blinked and shook his head. “You’re still Brett Black…a fucking Marine.”
Brett bit his lip and inhaled a breath so vast until it nearly popped his lungs. “I’m not ready to retire.”
“And Joe wasn’t ready to die. Just be glad that you didn’t make that call. Be glad that you didn’t cost four men their lives because you said go right when you should have said go left.” David clenched his wide jaw. Remorse darkened his bright brown eyes.
Gavin put down his beer. “You can’t possibly be serious?” he said to David. “You give him this big speech just to sound just as stupid at the end.”
Both Brett and David turned to Gavin.
Gavin raised his boot cut pant leg past the gun holster and hit the prosthetic leg to make his point a little clearer. He locked eyes with Brett. “Here’s a wakeup call for both of you. You get shot…you get FUBAR, there is no other recourse when you’re a Recon Marine and you end up lucky enough not to get killed but not lucky enough not to get injured. You end up either transferred or stepped out medically.”
Turning his fiery gaze to David, he tilted his head. “Someone has to make the call during an Op. Someone always has to make the call. If it hadn’t been you, it would have been someone else with your rank. That’s your job as an officer. But once you make the call, the rest is not up to you. What happens out there once we do what we’re supposed to do is not up to you.” He pulled down his pants leg. “Sometimes you’re victorious, and we get to go back home happy. Sometimes, someone gets shot or runs over an IED.” His voiced lowered. “And sometimes you don’t get to come home at all, except in a body bag on ice.” Gavin rested his forearms on the bar and took his eyes off of both of them. “But it’s not your call who gets to do any of it. And it’s not our call either. Otherwise, we’d win every battle…ever war; we’d never have funerals; we’d never need prosthetic limbs or wheel chairs or crutches or surgery or therapy or psychotropic drug or any other bullshit. But you’re not in control of that.”
David needed to hear that, whether he knew it or not. He sat there staring at Gavin for a minute before he straightened up in his chair.
Brett picked up his beer and took a sip. What did they know? Rolling his eyes, he pulled out his phone and checked it. Not one damn call from her.
“Courtney is my sister, and I love her,” David said, moving the attention off of him. “Her happiness should mean more to you than the Corps.”
“Who says it doesn’t?” Brett asked defensively.
David laughed. “You’ve been walked out on, right?”
“Yeah, so what?”
“So, what did she leave you for?” David asked.
Gavin sucked in a breath. Low blow.
Brett didn’t respond. He knew that David knew the answer to his question.
“Exactly. Don’t make the mistake of losing a second woman.” David thought of Kelly and sneered. “It’s really hard to find someone who not only makes you happy but tries to support you. You have to support her back. If you don’t…someone else will.”
Brett threw his phone on the table. “I love her. I do, but I worry that she doesn’t want me. Not like this.”
“Cop out,” David said, unwilling to hear excuses.
Brett sucked his teeth. “It’s not a cop out. It’s the truth.”
“Dude, you got shot. That handsome pretty boy mug got scared. So what. Chicks dig that shit,” Gavin joked.
“I’ve known my sister for a lot longer than you, and she’s never given a man what she’s given you…which is everything by the way.” David watched Brett’s facial expression change from anger to sadness.
“She told me to kiss her ass,” Brett said, still blown away by that. “She’s fed up with my shit.”
“Correction. She told all of us to kiss her ass,” David chuckled. Now that had been actually funny and very much out of character for Courtney. It would definitely go down in Lawless history.
Gavin chimed in. “I’m sure I would have been the only one at the table to oblige her, but for the team I would have literally kissed her ass.”
Brett looked down the bar at him. “And that would have been the last ass you would have ever kissed.”
“It would have been worth it,” Gavin said with a wide grin and wink. Brett’s wife was super fine. Too fine for him in his opinion. Although, he’d never even picture that scenario of kissing her ass. Brett was his friend, therefore, Courtney was family, just like Judy.
All three men laughed, breaking the tension in the conversation and giving them a chance to relax. Finally, levity. It was a hard thing to come by these days.
“She just wants you to put her first,” David reiterated. “Like she’s been doing for you.”
Brett knew that David was right. “Yeah. She’s been definitely putting me first. It’s so uncomfortable.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “She’s the glue in my life. She keeps all of us together.” But it was more than that. “I can’t live without her, but I know she’d do just fine without me. I mean, she’s unstoppable,” he said thinking about all she had accomplished for them in just a short period of time.
David wished that Kelly had felt that way about him, but obviously not. What was obvious was that his old flame had serious ambition, but that only gave him more fuel for his career fire. If it was the last thing that he did, he would make Commandant of the Marine Corps, just so he could rub it in her damn face.
Gavin picked up another shot. “Hey, do you think a woman can tell that you can’t feel anything?”
David looked over at him and frowned. “Can’t feel anything?”
Gavin blinked slowly, head still facing forward. “Yeah,” he said, recalling the conversation with Daisy.
“What do you mean, like, you can’t feel her when you are inside of her?” Brett asked confused by Gavin’s question. Where the hell had that come from?
“That sounds like a medical problem. You should have that checked out,” David said, suddenly not feeling so bad about his situation.
Gavin rolled his eyes. “I can feel my dick.” The words blurted out a little louder than he intended. The bartender took his eyes slowly off the game and looked over at Gavin unapprovingly.
Gavin lowered his voice and looked at his open palms. “I mean, I can’t…fall in love with a woman anymore.” His confession was hard for him to admit. “I can’t feel anything. I just know what to say and know what to do to get what I want and make them feel like they want to give me what I want, but inside…nothing.”
The Lonely Hearts 06 The Grunt 2 Page 27
