Of philosopher zombies there are endless varieties: your Platonist, your Kantian, Confucianist, or what have you. When one of these solitary zombies is particularly ugly, something of an accomplishment, for all zombies are hideous; however, I say that when a particularly hideous specimen is discovered, we tend to call such a Thoreau.
There are as many types of zomby philosophers as there are philosophers. Many a joke have I made by ending such debates as to the particular philosophical school of some given zomby by stating that all are Epicureans, for are they not free of fear?; are they not free of bodily pain?; do they not seek always to eat? Were they capable of thought or speech, the credo of all zombies is Epicurean in nature, stated thus: “If you can get nothing better out of the world, get a good dinner out of it, at least.”
Chapter III. Legless Zomby; Topmast Zomby; Bombay Beggar
These are frightfully common zombies, for they are created when some poor wight succumbs, often to a quartet or quintet, and his innards are ripped from him and devoured. This, of course, kills the wight, but also sows the spore of its resurrection; whereupon it attempts to rise after Quickening, only to discover its upper torso separating from the lower; and so, leglessly, does the Bombay Beggar reach up its begging, grasping hands for any scrap of flesh you are willing to throw down to it.
Chapter IV. Drouged Zomby; Lord Byron; Le Diable Boiteux
As will be treated in more detail later, whalemen use a process whereby—when many whales are present—a fleeing whale is slowed with a drogue in order to more easily return and kill it. In the case of the zomby, such drouging may take many forms, however, most easily done is a quick slash at the Achilles tendon or the hamstring, or severing the torso at the small of the back. Taking off the head may also technically make a drouged zomby of the remaining animate head; however, due to the dangerous nature of loose heads in general, they require a category of their own, on which topic we have already discoursed.
If the zomby is still able to limp along, as with a club foot, he is called a Lord Byron, or simply a Byron. Those more learnéd among the Militia call such a one, le diable boiteux, French for “the limping devil,” and the designation Byron some times used to refer to himself.
Chapter V. Whitman Zomby
The popular name for him does not sufficiently distinguish him. His scalp is not very valuable. He is the most gamesome and light-hearted of all the zombies, making more gay foam at the mouth and more freshets of blood, and seems to thus enjoy himself more generally than any other of them. The Whitman Zomby will eat anything when hungry, but prefers young virile men; and for this reason, the Whitman is seldom seen, for its choice of prey—they being fit and in no way amenable to being eaten—do most often destroy the Whitman with some ease.
Chapter VI. Casanova Zomby
Though he, too, as all zombies, will eat anything in a pinch, this zomby type most prefers to feed on nubile young women.
Chapter VII. Mariner Zomby; Coleridge Zomby
This zomby can be found in water, and is good example of the way in which zomby types are easily combined. For example, one might see in a small pond or lake, what is known as a Mariner, or a Coleridge, and upon closer inspection, you notice that it is missing its lower half, as in the Bombay Beggar, or Topmast Zomby. This provides no end of diverting names to be given, such as Coleridge Beggar, Bombay Mariner, and so forth. In addition, a particularly old and rotten or water-bloated zomby is often called an Ancient Mariner, this additional designation adding no small variety to the plethora of possible monikers.
Chapter VIII. Mythical Zombies: The Zomby Unicorn
Never would I hold that all zombies are herein depicted, nor would I ascribe to a belief that I have seen all zomby types that may be in existence. Quite the opposite, in point of fact, and for this reason I do here list at least one zomby of which I have heard much round Militia campfires, but which I have not yet seen with my own eyes.
But just as many tall tales are based on some distant kernel of truth, it may not be wise to ignore all stories. The zomby of which I now treat has many names: unizomby, unicorn zed, rhino zomby, and nomenclature variously drawing on the fungal theme: fungiform zomby, fun guy, fungus amungus, and suchlike pretty exclamations. Whatever name it is given, this zomby has a growth sprouting from its head, variously reported as penile in shape, sprouting from its ear, a nostril, an empty eye socket, the back of the head, sprouting from the crown of the head, and even growing out from the throat and through the mouth. It has been variously described as writhing, glowing, and pulsing and in darkness has been seen to emit a faint blue glow.
I have not seen it, but, ere long, you shall read of its description by one who has not only seen it, but cultivated it in a captive zomby, the better to harvest and make use of its special properties. I speak, of course, of the ancient Parsee mystic, Fedallah, as written of by Captain Ahab.
Through the Pequod’s log, I have learned that such a zomby as this is, in fact, real. From the log, I later learned that this rare fruit grows best from the forehead, just between the brows, with its mycelium roots threaded intricately through the pineal gland that sits above and behind the eyes, an organ which, in some mystic circles, is thought to be the seat of the all-seeing third eye. Though in the wild, as it were, such a mushroom may indeed sprout from out myriad natural holes in the skull, yet that pulsing fruit is most hearty when it springs from out a hole in the foremost part of the skull, nigh that mystic gland aforementioned.
Vander, a Militiaman of my troupe whom you will meet later in this tale, drew from his one short whaling voyage much inspiration in the naming of things associated with our Militia band’s slaughter of the undead. He it was who dubbed this curious substance zombergris, the origins of which term will soon become clear.
Zombergris is purported to have special properties, and is rumored to be many things: an aphrodisiac; a charm that, if worn around the neck will repel any zomby attack; an antidote to zomby infection, and much more besides. Until such time as I observe this phenomena for myself, I will say no more of it, though knowledge of this substance and its particulars will inform much of the rest of this tale.
Book II (Octavo): Zomby Penultima
Of all zombies herein presented, this genera is most elusive and little is known of the extent of its range and presence in society. Therefore, speculation upon its type and presence necessarily behooves me to present this Book as mere skeleton, as it were. Upon completion of this voyage and absorbing the contents of Ahab’s log, it is my suspicion that there have been no small number of this type of zomby throughout history.
It appears that the Zomby Penultima is, if given the proper treatment, well-nigh immortal. Some there are in the world (such as Fedallah), who, upon learning the secret of longevity, and by special application of zombergris, are able to extend their lifetime well beyond that of mortal man. Without this treatment, it appears this type of zomby eventually succumbs to the Zomby Ultima form, thereby becoming slavering, mindless and as incredibly voracious as it is incredibly infectious.
The type remains largely a secret, for it possesses all the wily intelligence of the human it once was. Though its specifics are still mysterious, piecing together clues from Ahab’s log have given me much information that has been previously unavailable regarding this creature.
In light of this, I hereby present a mere incomplete framework, ready for input from more knowledgeable scholars.
Chapter I. Leaders, Conquerors & Explorers
It may be advisable to re-examine past histories, for any rational being, knowing the truth of the information contained herein—needs must question the origins of such august or terrible figures as Alexander, Genghis Khan, Joan of Arc, and Napoleon, to name but a few of the most famous conquerors. Reflecting upon her condition, Joan of Arc was known to say, “One life is all we have, and we live it as we believe in living it. But to sacrifice what you are and to l
ive without belief, that is a fate more terrible than dying.”
The great explorer Captain Cook, on St. Valentine’s Day in 1779, was killed by Chief Kalanimanokahoowaha when, upon Cook’s return to the garden isle, the Hawaiian warrior discovered Cook’s true nature and crushed his skull. As Ahab is both an explorer and conqueror of sorts, he might well be listed here.
Chapter II. Rogues & Criminals
This group consists of the great criminals, despots, and murderers spattered throughout human history, fiends such as the Lion Men of Tanganyika; Chinese mass-murderer Liu Pengli (144 BC); or the compatriot of Joan of Arc (likely infected by her), Gilles de Rais (1404-1440), who abducted and killed near 800 peasant boys; Hungarian Elizabeth Báthory tortured to death some 650 girls and young women before she was found out in 1610.
Finally, I bring us up to the present-day Zomby Penultimae and offer up as crowned king of this Chapter, Thugee Behram, Indian assassin, and most prodigious killer. According to several scholarly sources, just one technique Thug Behram used—strangling victims with a ceremonial cloth—was, between 1740 and 1830, responsible for 931 deaths. Note Behram’s long life. Note also that the Thugee cult of assassins—likely with many Zomby Penultimae in its upper ranks—I say, the Thuggee assassins were responsible for the murders of one millions of people from 1730 to 1830.
I will say no more, but ask of ye to consider those heinous and noble acts of history in light of this knowledge. More research is required.
Book III (Folio): Zomby Ante Omnes
The Zomby Ante Omnes is, without doubt, the largest zomby inhabitant of the globe by girth; the most majestic and terrible in aspect; and lastly, by far the most dangerous in battle, not only by reason of its great girth; but also the dire fact that this is the only creature from which that vile contagion is initially spread. Zomby Ante Omnes is the source of all zomby plagues throughout history; from this foul fount do all subsequent zomby infestations flow; the Zomby Ante Omnes is the great original. More of his peculiarities will, in many other places, be enlarged upon.
The creature’s predilection for wilder, uninhabited parts of the world make encounters with it more than passing rare, and there appears to be no more than a single Zomby Ante Omnes in existence at any one time. Among the Romans of old, such a proto-zomby was known as the Immortui; by the Dutch it is known as the Ondoden, and Mānsēra dōkāna lōka by the Bengali, the present teveqel of the Albanians, and the Jiāngshī of the Chinese, and the VandelndetoteOmneseele of the Long Words.
Some centuries ago, Zomby Ante Omnes was wholly unknown in his own proper individuality, for few of the scant number foolish enough or unlucky enough to meet such a one manage to escape ingestion. Those few who have been wounded by Zomby Ante Omnes and yet lived to return from that wilderness to infect a larger population, this number is, even now, vanishingly small.
Not til modern man appeared with his ships and technologies, thereby allowing explorers to range about the wide world; I say, not until this came to pass did zombies begin to shamble forth in the great numbers seen today. None see as much of this watery globe as a whaleman, and yet never have I heard of any encounter with such a creature as a Zomby Ante Omnes from any sailor, despite many a tall tale of the Kraken and other horrors of a night in the forecastle. And so, by its very scarcity, I reason that Zomby Ante Omnes is a solitary creature; only an individual is suffered to live at one time upon the earth, for what reason God only knows.
And here is the final danger, and the greatest. For though all that are born to this world must one day face death yea, even unto the common zomby who lives an uncommon long time; it is not so for Zomby Ante Omnes for, from the truthfully told tales of others and my own first-hand experience, I have seen that somehow the pestilence does not devour the Zomby Ante Omnes. Any may deduce that a zomby of such size and ferocity is well-nigh impossible to destroy; especially so in the body of a huge sperm whale, in which, as you shall soon learn, the cranium is buried a fathom beneath the flesh; to attempt to crush the beast’s cranium is a task to be taken up only by those cracked with insanity!
And unless I miss the mark entire, you, my friend, I say you, dear reader, have previously divulged that Moby Dick is such a one; Moby Dick is the current Zomby Ante Omnes upon this weird watered world, and Ahab the madman to give it battle.
Book IV (Appendix): Homo Sapiens Venatores
This final book I reserve for humanity, for in the matter of the zomby will we not have the final say? Will we not beat back the undead and bury and burn them for good and all, every time they lurch forth, as we have in past ages down to the brood of Ahab’s first rejected consort? One may hope.
The chapters listing all types of zomby hunter are endless as the variety of the human being who slays it; and as hinted earlier, I shall leave the filling in of this Book to all who would fain do so. Herein I treat of zomby warriors found in legend, spoken of in hushed tones round bivouac fires.
But first, a word concerning the general disdain in which the Militia is held. It goes against all sense that the men and women in the Militia are so despised by our fellow citizens. What irony! that one who performs so vital a duty is so shunned by those protected by their sacrifice. Any who has not participated in the slaughter can but little understand, for no imagination is prodigiously twisted enough to envision the reality of cleaving a zomby child’s head from its body; it is an act not easily recovered from. Freedom has never been easily won; and yet many there are who know this not, or choose to ignore the fact.
And yet, upon some reflection, that very act is but one reason the Militia are so reviled: we kill those who were once, and are still loved by those yet human. We slay former husbands and wives, former uncles, aunts, brothers, sisters, and oh burning anguish!, former children. No small wonder then, that we are, wherever we go, shunned from polite society. One does not mention one’s part in this profession; and to proffer a calling card with ZV or M upon it (Zomby Venatore; Militia) will gain you nothing but a swift exit, mayhap with a boot to your backside.
And there is more reason besides for this leper-like shunning (outcast!, unclean!), for though few in number, some there are who have deigned to proffer among the zomby scalps brought for bounty, no small number of human scalps, all ill-gotten, no doubt. Thus do unscrupulous rogues deal double damage, for not only do they take the life of a clean soul, but, like Judas, they earn a coin for it. When those of my band discover such a one, it is his scalp (it is always a man who acts thus), I say it is his scalp that is then added to our own withered collection bound for the bounty-house.
It will therefore be no surprise that I feel some defensive need growing in my breast, a need to defend the honor of the Militia and thereby elevate my own station and assuage some small guilt for deeds within my own wretched experience which I must yet reveal. Therefore, I say, it behooves me to speak somewhat of the honourableness and antiquity of those who take up arms against the vile things, thereby protecting all mankind. There was no small wonder in me when I learned of so many great demi-gods and heroes, prophets of all sorts, who one way or other have shed black zomby blood; I am transported with the reflection that I myself belong, though perhaps subordinately, to so emblazoned a fraternity. Let us to it.
Chapter I: Perseus
The gallant Perseus, a son of Jupiter, was the first zomby hunter of record;[1] and to the eternal honour of our calling, be it said that the first zomby attacked by our brotherhood was not killed with any sordid intent. Those were the knightly days of our profession, when we only bore arms to succor the distressed, and the zombies then few and far between, and not much menace, or so it is told; they were not then the slavering, ravening horde they have become.
[1]There are hints and allegations in obscure and arcane reference tomes regarding prehistoric incidents involving zombies, but none of these could be positively verified by my researches.
Eve
ry one knows the fine story of Perseus and Andromeda; how the lovely Andromeda, the daughter of a king, was tied to a rock on the edge of the sea, and as one monstrous Zomby Ante Omnes was about to feast on her brains,—indeed to swallow her entire—Perseus, the prince of zomby hunters, intrepidly advancing, with his gods-given mace did stave in the monster’s head, and thereby delivered and married the maid. It was an admirable artistic exploit, rarely achieved by the best zomby hunters of the present day; inasmuch as this Zomby Ante Omnes was slain at the very first stroke of the mace. And let none doubt this story; for in the ancient Joppa, now Jaffa, on the Syrian coast, in one of the Pagan temples, there stood for many ages a vast skeleton, which the city’s legends and all the inhabitants asserted to be the identical bones of the monster Perseus slew.
Chapter II. Hercules
Concerning Hercules—grandson of Perseus—his admittance to our ranks is certain, for that brawny doer of rejoicing good deeds did, for his second labor, do battle with the Lernaen hydra, mayhap the first created zomby, raised by Hera for the sole purpose of delivering the doom of Hercules; a doom he deftly avoided.
There at the spring of Amymone did Hercules fire flaming brands to roust the Hydra from its chthonic lair, then with sharpened scythe and storied club—both stupendous zomby weapons, to be sure, but the scythe being devilish difficult to master—Hercules battled the many-headed Hydra. Knowing its final head to be immortal—and is not the zomby in possession of some small immortality?—Hercules did sever that head with Athena’s gifted golden sword and buried that head, still slavering, under a prodigious boulder along the sacred path to Lerna and Elaius. Some have said this hydra head may be the true source of the modern zomby, and profess that once unentombed, the head did subsequently spread all latter-day zomby plagues across the wide, weird world. I know naught of this, but that Hercules may be deemed one of the greatest of zomby hunters is beyond dispute. I claim him for one of our clan.
Zomby Dick or, The Undead Whale Page 27
