Lost to Light

by Jamie Bennett

  “I can’t stand to listen to you cry over your muscles,” Iván said. He started to rub my shoulders.

  “Gentle!” I yelped, and the bed shook with his laughter.

  “Wimp.”

  It felt good. I was drifting off to sleep when he kissed my neck. “Maura?” he whispered.

  “Mmhmm?”

  “I want to tell you something.”

  I stiffened immediately and came fully awake. “Yes?”

  “I met with Anouk today. I may invest in her studio.”

  I flipped over as quickly as my sore body could go to face him. “What? You did? You are?”

  “I may. I need to do more due diligence about her first mortgage and the title to the property, her financials, what really happened with the IRS. I want my attorney and my accountant to look at her tax returns if they’re as bad as you said.”

  “They’re probably worse than I know,” I told him. “Why would you do that? Why would you help Anouk?”

  He looked at me in the moonlight. “Why do you think? For you, of course.”

  “Iván.” I reached and touched his face with my fingertips. “You don’t have to do this for me. What if the business goes under and you lose all the money? She needs so much.”

  He shrugged. “I’m not going to write her a check and walk away. Or hand her a briefcase of cash like her friend from Las Vegas. If I do this, there will be major changes. She’s considering it now.”

  “What is there to consider? She should be jumping up and down and begging you!” I said angrily.

  “I got the feeling that she likes doing things her own way. Which led to this problem. You’ve been so worried about it, and I don’t want you to be mixed up with a criminal.”

  “Another criminal,” I corrected him.

  Now he grimaced. “Maura…”

  “I can’t believe you would even consider doing this. It’s incredible. Thank you. Even if Anouk is to stubborn and silly to recognize it, I can see how amazing it is. How amazing you are.”

  “No promises yet, all right? But will you do something for me?” I waited. “If she does decide to take money from this Toby from Las Vegas, will you please quit? Go dance there, be her friend, but please, don’t work there.”

  Slowly, I nodded. “That sounds reasonable.”

  “I wouldn’t use the word ‘reasonable’ about anything to do with Anouk.” His eyes widened. “She’s a bit crazy. But I see why you like her, too.”

  “Do you know someone I like more?”

  “I’m hopeful that I do,” he answered.

  I leaned forward across the pillow and kissed him. Just like our kiss on New Year’s Eve, it went from sweet to more, very quickly. I was suddenly on my back with Iván partially on top of me, kissing me senseless. His hand slid down my side, stopping to caress my hip, to take my knee and settle it over his own hip. Then he took my butt and lifted me firmly to him.

  I gasped out a breath, his name.

  He kissed down my jaw. “You tell me, Maura,” he murmured. “You tell me when it’s enough.”

  I didn’t want him to stop. I took his face in my hands and brought his lips back to mine. Nothing had ever felt so good. My whole body was thrumming, tingling, alit. I didn’t even understand what was happening.

  Iván’s hand went to my breast and he gently and tenderly cupped it. He lowered his head and bit my nipple softly with his lips through my t-shirt. My body gave a little jolt. Iván picked up his head. “All right?”

  I nodded. “All right.” He did it again and I closed my eyes and breathed, a sigh mixed with a moan.

  His mouth moved back to kiss me, then he put his cheek against mine. He rolled over, pulling me with him so that I rested my face on his chest. His hands stroked up and down my back and gradually my breathing returned to normal. I held on to him, tight, and I fell asleep.

  ∞

  “Buddy! Benji!”

  His head came up and he scanned the pick-up area for me. I waved and he ran over to the car.

  “Hey, you! Long time, no see,” I told him. I reached across the car and hugged him.

  “Yeah, my mom came and got me early yesterday.” He shrugged.

  “What did you guys do in southern California?” I asked nonchalantly.

  “Well, at first I had to go take a test.”

  “Like, a school test? Or a medical test?” My stomach dropped. Did Undine think he was sick or something?

  Benji was shaking his head. “The kind of test we take once a year. A standardized test.”

  I was flummoxed. “Why, buddy? Didn’t you guys already take those at school in November?”

  “Yeah.” He shrugged. “My mom said it was to see how smart I am and that I had to do my best. I think I did well. The science portion was very unimpressive, I aced that part for sure.”

  An intelligence test? Did she think he was some kind of genius? How would she know—she had never looked at his grades or gone to his school conferences. I chewed my lip.

  “Are we going swimming?”

  His question broke me out of my reverie. “Yep. I have your suit.”

  “With Iván?”

  I smiled at him in the rearview mirror. “Yep again. Hey, you haven’t noticed the car we’re riding in.”

  “It’s old,” he commented.

  “It’s mine, I bought it,” I told him, my smile fading. “My first car.”

  “Oh. There wasn’t a better one?”

  For such a smart kid, he was pretty dumb sometimes. I kept my thoughts to myself for the rest of the way to the pool.

  Iván met us outside, and now that I knew we weren’t really allowed in the building, I stuck close to him. Since kissing him the night before, I was feeling a little…I guess the word was unsettled. I found myself wanting to touch him all the time, too. I put my hand on his bare arm now, and he put his hand over mine, and smiled at me.

  “Iván.”

  I turned and saw a familiar-looking man. I quickly realized how I knew him—his face was on the team calendar that hung on the bulletin board next to our fridge. He was the head coach.

  “Christos,” Iván said. They both looked wary. “Maura, this is the head coach of the team. Christos, this is Maura, Ben.”

  I stepped forward and shook his hand. “It’s nice to meet you. I’ve heard from Iván how seriously you take coaching, and how committed you are to it.”

  “Really?” He glanced at Iván.

  I nodded. “I know how much he has learned from you about coaching. Of course, Iván has so much experience as a swimmer in so many international competitions, for so many years. That must be a big help for you too.”

  “It is,” Coach Christos said. “I didn’t know you felt that way, Iván.” He stuck out his hand in Iván’s direction. “Thank you.”

  Iván nodded and they shook.

  “Going for a swim?” Christos asked us.

  I swallowed. It wasn’t really allowed.

  “Iván is teaching me,” Benji piped up. “He’s a very good teacher.”

  Christos messed up his hair, and shockingly, Benji didn’t yank himself away. “That’s great,” Christos said. “Nice to meet your family,” he told Iván. “See you guys around.”

  Christos had just called us Iván’s family. I found myself beaming at his back as he walked away.

  Iván looked at me with eyebrows raised. “That was an interesting interpretation of what I’ve said about Christos.”

  “I was telling the truth.”

  “In your own words,” Iván added.

  “You have learned from him, haven’t you?” I asked, on my tiptoes and leaning forward. I couldn’t get myself away from him. It was like we were magnets.

  He pulled me closer. “I have. Thank you for trying to straighten me out.” He kissed me and Benji made a gagging noise.

  “I didn’t know Iván was your boyfriend,” he announced. “I met my mom’s boyfriend.”

  My eyebrows shot up. “You did?”

 
Benji nodded. “In Los Angeles. After we went to the divorce lawyer.”

  “You went where?” I asked.

  “After the test. They had to ask me questions. My mom didn’t say what it was about, but the name of the firm said ‘family law.’ Everyone knows what that means,” Benji told us.

  “Let’s go for a swim,” Iván told him. “You can tell Maura about it later if you want. She probably can answer questions if you have any.” Over Benji’s head, I was trying to signal to Iván that I certainly didn’t have any answers. I had no idea what the hell was going on.

  Iván and Benji took a lane, and I found a corner to discretely stretch before I went in. I thought I would sink like a stone if I tried to swim without loosening up a little after my workout the day before. I spread out my towel and sat, bending over my straight legs and holding my feet. Oh, my aching butt. My quads, my calves. I put my legs in a V and lay forward, my stomach on the ground.

  When I looked up, I had a small audience. “Are you here to teach us yoga or something?” It was definitely one of the guys from the swim team. Or maybe water polo. They were equally built.

  “No, I’m here to swim. I’m just stretching.”

  “You’re really flexible,” one of the other guys said.

  I stood up and wrapped the towel around myself. “Yeah.”

  The four of them followed me over to the water. “If you want any help swimming, just let me know,” the first one told me. “I hold the school record in backstroke.”

  “Thanks,” I said. The four of them stared at me as I hopped into the closest lane, making an uncomfortable situation of walking around in a bathing suit much worse. I watched for a space between swimmers, then went under the lane lines, ducking quickly because going under was still not my favorite thing. I made it over to where Iván and Benji were swimming and I stayed with them, mostly watching, but also kicking around some. Benji was improving—I could even see a difference from the last time he had been here. My four admirers moved on.

  We got out of the pool eventually and Benji booked into the bathroom. I put on my extra-warm swim coat, very glad to have it.

  “His mom took him to a divorce attorney to get interviewed?” I said, shaking my head. “She already has a boyfriend?”

  “She probably had him all along,” Iván commented, and I winced.

  “They’re terrible people.”

  “He’s lucky to have you and Joana.” He put his hand on the back of my neck and rubbed.

  “And he has his family in Georgia. He loves it there. He has more than just the two of us.”

  “Three,” Iván said, pointing to himself.

  “Yeah, I guess we’ll count you too.” I smiled at him.

  Joana and I tried to tease out more details from Benji when we got back to his house. Joana had looked carefully for clues as she unpacked for Undine, even checking the trash for evidence of something, but the woman was cagey.

  “So she’s divorcing him, and her lawyer is some big LA shark. Right? That makes sense to me,” I mused as I got ready to go.

  “What do we think about the boyfriend?” Joana asked. “Is he in Los Angeles? Here? Who is he?” Benji couldn’t tell us any more except that he was old, like Joana and I were, and kind of bald. And smaller than Iván, which was 98% of the population.

  We shrugged at each other. We had nothing really to go on to try to foretell what would happen next, and it was impossible to impute normal, maternal motives to anything Undine did. But I was developing a terrible, sinking feeling about the future that I was actively trying to ignore.

  Iván came to Dance by Anouk the next day. He was still talking with her about investing—becoming a partner, actually—and he had never been to the actual studio before.

  I waited for him eagerly. “Hot to trot, are you?” Anouk asked me, and sniggered.

  Yes, I was. We were still doing the kissing thing each night, and besides some over the clothes stuff, we hadn’t progressed any farther. This was fine with me, in one way. I knew how I was, and I didn’t want Iván to be disgusted and turned off. On the other hand, I found myself wanting to rip his clothes off, drizzle him with honey, and lick him clean. Everywhere. It was a new feeling for me and it made me confused. And anxious. And, as Anouk said, hot to trot.

  Iván finally got there. He and Anouk and I went through the financials, which to Anouk meant showing him her checkbook, and to me, pulling up the meticulous records I’d created with the accounting software I’d made her buy. He asked to see the lease agreement she had with Mr. Spider, whose business appeared to be more robust than I would have thought. At any rate, the doors were still open.

  Iván also asked to see her tax returns.

  “There may be some…discrepancies,” Anouk explained, as she opened a locked drawer that I wasn’t allowed into.

  “Discrepancies from the truth?” Iván asked.

  Anouk opened her mouth and I cut in. “I’m going to the studio,” I told them.

  “Work on the routine from last week,” Anouk instructed me. “I’ll be in as soon as I’m done with this.” She cast Iván a withering look. She still didn’t seem to grasp how lucky she was that someone normal (i.e., not a crook) was willing to even think about Dance by Anouk.

  I had danced for quite a while, losing all track of time, before I suddenly saw Iván and Anouk watching me. I came down off my relevé and stopped dead.

  “How long have you been there?” I asked, panting.

  “Not too long. You’re amazing to watch. I had no idea you had this talent,” Iván said slowly.

  “If she’d had the training she should have, she would have been able to do something with that talent,” Anouk informed him.

  I shook my head. “Probably not. The chances are never good for dancers.” I grabbed my towel and mopped my face. “And knowing me, I would still have gone into accounting. Neat and orderly.”

  “Your dance isn’t. It’s all passion,” Anouk said. “That’s what’s in you, Maura.”

  I laughed. “What’s in me right now is nothing. I’m starving! I need to change and eat before I go to Benji’s.”

  Iván and I walked out together. “Maura, I had no idea,” he repeated. “You said you danced, but I didn’t understand how good you are.”

  “I play around with dance because I like it.” I paused. “I love it,” I corrected myself. “But it’s only a hobby. Anouk just has silly dreams, because she was on stage a little herself.” I pulled on his shirt so he would lean down, then I gave him a quick kiss. “I’m going home to clean up. I’ll see you when I get back from Benji’s.”

  He gave me a longer kiss. “I’ll see you then.”

  I was still feeling a little shivery from his kiss when I arrived at Benji’s house. I got out of the car and pulled out the university swim bag that Iván had gotten for Benji’s swim gear. The bus came around the corner and I watched it, waiting.

  Benji hopped off first, then he stopped, and also waited. The boy I recognized as Drew, the kid who had pushed him down, got off next. I held my breath.

  Benji turned and said something to the bigger boy, who seemed to loom over him. I started to walk toward them. My walk turned into a jog.

  Benji put out his hand. I came to a stop and held my breath.

  The other boy shook his hand. Benji reached up and patted him on the shoulder.

  My mouth dropped open.

  The bigger boy, Drew, went off down the block and Benji trotted over towards me, waving. “Hi, Maura.”

  “Hi, buddy. What was that about?

  He was more interested in the new swim bag. “Is this for me? From Iván?

  “Yeah. Do you like it?”

  He handed me his school bag so he could wear the new one on his back. “I love it!”

  “Let’s write a message to Iván and you can thank him. Hey, Benji? I just saw you shake hands with that boy Drew. What’s going on?”

  “Iván was talking to me yesterday about you,” he explained.
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br />   “About me?”

  “Yes. He said that he wasn’t getting along with the head coach, Christos, that guy we met. But Iván said you told him that he should try to get along with Christos. He said you were correct. He had to be a bigger person and get over their differences of opinion and get along with him, because that was more important than arguing and trying to be right.”

  “Really,” I stated.

  “Drew had to take a break from school because he wasn’t treating others properly,” Benji told me, and I heard the school counselor’s words coming out of his mouth. “The teacher made him apologize to me and other people in the class when he came back. I didn’t think he was sincere, so I stayed mad. Other people are mad at him too. He used to lead all the kickball games at recess but now no one plays with him. He’s extremely isolated.”

  “Do you play kickball?” I asked, curious.

  “I read or do math packets.”

  Of course. “Go ahead, tell me about Drew.”

  “Well, I thought that maybe you were right, like Iván had said. Maybe I should be the bigger person and we could get along. I told him I wasn’t angry anymore and I accepted his apology. I asked him why he had pushed me all those times. He said he had been mad at everyone because his parents are getting a divorce, like mine are. We shook hands like Iván did with Christos.”

  “I’m glad you resolved that,” I said, swelling with pride for him. “Good for you, buddy.” We went into the kitchen and said hi to Joana. “Benji, what makes you so sure that your parents are getting a divorce? Because you went to the family law office in Los Angeles?”

  He took a warm fritter from Joana. “Thank you. Mmm.” He chewed and then said, “My mom told me. I asked her where my dad was and she told me that he isn’t coming back. They’re getting a divorce.”

  Joana sat with us at the table and glanced at me. “Are you upset?” she asked Benji.

  “It’s very common,” he informed us. “A large percentage of marriages end in divorce.”

  “Sure, but how are you feeling about it?” I asked him.

  Benji shrugged, but his mouth turned down. “I just wish my mom and dad were like my aunt and uncle. They love each other and they love my cousins.”