I felt my eyes fill with tears. “I love you. Do you know that?” I asked him.
“I love you,” Joanna put in. “You have lots of people who do.”
Benji got up and came to sit on my lap, like he used to do but had stopped around age eight. He was so smart, so good at everything they did in school and he knew so many facts, but he was still just a kid. And this was a tough situation for anyone.
“You know, I’m really proud of what you did today with that boy. I’m proud that you chose to be the big person. I think you are,” I said, and I kissed his forehead.
Benji rested his head on my shoulder. “I think you are too, Maura.”
Chapter 15
Undine came home a few hours later. I steeled myself to discuss things with her. I had to understand what was going on, so I could help Benji. I had strong suspicions that more than a divorce was afoot.
Before I could marshal myself to go talk to her, Joana came up to Benji’s room. “Mrs. Dorset wants to see both of us,” she told me, her eyes wide.
I stood up slowly, the sinking feeling stronger than ever. “Bye, Benji.” He was reading another book about swimming and every once in a while would lie on the floor to practice one of the techniques.
“Bye,” he said, pointing and flexing his feet and studying them intently. “See you tomorrow.”
My sense of foreboding only increased when we went into the master bedroom, which had clothes and belongings strewn about. From the look on Joana’s face, the mess was new, and she wasn’t looking forward to cleaning it up. But Undine smiled widely at us both.
“Great news!” she announced.
Joana and I glanced at each other. “Yes?” I questioned. “What is it?”
“Mr. Dorset and I are getting a divorce and Benji and I are moving to Georgia.”
Her mouth kept moving but for a moment or two I didn’t hear the words. A strange ringing started in my ears, confusing me. What had she just said?
I snapped back to attention when I heard the words “my fiancé.” “You’re already engaged to someone else?” I blurted out, interrupting her.
Undine stared at me, eyes narrowed. “That’s what I’ve been just saying in some detail, Maura. This is very important information. Please pay better attention.” She went on to explain things about her boyfriend’s good family, her days as a cheerleader in college, his fraternity brothers. I still wasn’t completely following. “But of course, Turner lives in Atlanta, so I’ll go there too. I’m able to work from there just as easily, and I already bought a great apartment in a new building. So much less to keep up than this drafty old house.” As if she had ever taken care of her house. “And this time with Turner, I won’t have to deal with these pesky California community property laws. Georgia doesn’t have them!” She winked broadly at me and Joana, her good humor restored.
“What’s happening with Benji?” I managed to ask. My voice sounded funny to my ears.
“He’ll come with me, of course. I already enrolled him in a very prestigious school, where my brother’s kids attend. He took the entrance exam while we were down in Los Angeles. Thank goodness they were willing to work with me, because his school here has been absolutely dreadful. I’m sure Joana mentioned the fuss they caused when I took him just for the day.” She paused, finger to her chin, as if pondering something. “His new school is outside of Atlanta, fairly far out in the country.” Her eyes widened as if she’d just had a wonderful idea. “Benji could live with my brother, or with my mom! It would just make everything easier. Then Turner and I will have the fresh start we deserve.”
Fresh start? You didn’t get to have a fresh start without your child. That wasn’t how it was supposed to work. All she deserved was a swift kick in the ass. And this wasn’t a sudden inspiration that she was having, either, about Benji living apart from her. I was sure that she had planned all along to ditch her kid.
I opened my mouth, angry words brimming, when Joana pointed out, “He doesn’t know any of this. Is that right? You haven’t told Benji.”
Undine turned and busied herself with her jewelry box. Shiny objects spilled from its drawers. “No, I thought Maura could explain. He seems to like her.”
“When are you leaving?” Now my voice sounded like someone else entirely.
Undine looked up, surprised. “Tomorrow. I just was able to get the custodial agreement worked out with Mr. Dorset. Of course, I had to pay him, which was a real shame.”
“A real shame,” I echoed. Both of them were.
Joana straightened up. “Mrs. Dorset, I’m assuming you want us to help you pack your personal belongings and valuables.”
“Of course!”
“Well, my going rate for packing up an entire house overnight is two thousand dollars.” She paused. “In cash. That’s on top of this month’s salary, which I would like paid in full, now. The same will have to go for Maura.”
An ugly red flush rose in Undine’s face. “That’s ridiculous.”
“Good luck in Atlanta.” Joana took my arm and started to walk out, taking me with her.
“Just a second!” Undine snapped. “I don’t have that much on me.”
“There’s an ATM two blocks from here,” Joana said coldly.
“After your years of service to me, I thought you would have some loyalty,” Undine hissed.
“I need the money for my own fresh start,” Joana answered. “We’ll wait for you to get back before we start packing.” She tugged me out of the room and closed the bedroom door behind us.
I found that I was a little numb. “Tomorrow? They’re moving tomorrow?”
Joana started to cry. “What are we going to tell Benji? We’ll never see him again.” She wiped her eyes. “Ana Lívia depends on my income. You and I are both out of our jobs.”
Slowly, we walked back to Benji’s room.
I took a deep breath as I went in. “Hey, buddy? Joana and I have to talk to you.”
“What are you still doing here?” He was on the floor doing abbreviated backstroke arms. “Why do you and Joana look so weird?”
We explained that he was moving. He didn’t understand—how could he?—so we had to explain again.
“Tomorrow?” Benji kept asking. “We’re going tomorrow?”
It was late in Georgia, but I called his grandmother anyway. I had never talked to her before, but over the phone she acted like a regular person. It was true that Benji was enrolled in his cousins’ school, she had confirmed it. He would stay with her while her son, Benji’s uncle, got his room ready at their house. She had the situation under control but she’d had no idea that they were arriving the next day. “I would have talked to him about this,” she repeated. “My poor baby boy.” I put her on the phone with Benji and his stricken face turned into a slight smile.
“My grandma is so happy that I’m coming,” he told me when they hung up. “She can’t wait to see me and my other family is happy too. They’re going to have a big party to welcome me to Georgia.” He started to sound excited. “She said that I’ll live with my aunt and uncle but I’ll visit her whenever I want.”
“That sounds great!” I told him. I forced a smile that felt pained, but he smiled back.
“Let’s get your most important things together to bring on the plane so that you’ll have everything you need when you get there.” While Joana started packing his suitcase, he and I filled up his new swim bag for him to carry on. Benji suddenly stopped his excited chatter about Georgia.
“I won’t be able to swim with Iván anymore,” he said.
I swallowed hard. That pomelo-sized lump was back in my chest. “No, but I bet they have really nice pools in Georgia. We’ll go swim together when we visit.”
Benji stared at me. “But aren’t you coming? Aren’t you and Joana coming with me?”
I couldn’t get the word “no” out and I couldn’t stop my tears, either. We sat together on his bed for a long time and gave the packing a rest. Benji cried as if his heart w
as breaking.
I texted Iván a little later, giving him the bare bones of the story. I had decided to stay the night with Benji and help Joana. Iván started calling, but I just said I would talk to him in the morning.
Benji finally fell asleep and Joana and I worked like dogs to organize and pack his things. Undine came back with the cash Joana had demanded and threw it at us, then stalked out. We were a lot less careful when we packed up her room. Both of us got a couple hours of fitful sleep on Benji’s bed with him.
The movers came bright and early the next morning. It made me think of how long Undine had to have been planning this whole situation. You couldn’t just schedule a cross-country move at eight o’clock the night before you wanted to go. Benji had mentioned an apartment when they visited Atlanta at Christmas; she had probably bought it then. When I spoke to the principal at his school, weeks ago, she had said something about Benji getting counseling at whatever school he attended, which I hadn’t understood at the time. Undine must have been laying the groundwork for months, but she had waited until the night before to tell her son. Scratch that—she had waited until the night before to tell me to tell her son. I hated her. I hated her for treating her child like a piece of furniture she hadn’t ever really liked but was stuck with, and I hated her for taking Benji away from me.
A shiny black car pulled up to drive Benji and Undine to the airport. He clung to me and Joana, crying so hard that he started gagging.
“That’s enough of the dramatics,” Undine said, and started pulling him toward the car. “Let’s go, Benjamin. We’re not missing this flight because of you saying goodbye to the maids.”
“Buckle up!” I called as he got into the car. The driver shut the door. “Benji, I love you! It will be great in Georgia. I love you!”
I watched his little face through the tinted window as the car pulled off down the street.
Joana said something to me, but I didn’t really hear her. I sat on the curb for a while, looking in the direction the car had gone. Later, she patted my shoulder and said she was leaving. I stood, and handed her my $2,000 from Undine.
“No,” she said, shaking her head.
I stuffed it into her bag. “Take it.” Then I sat back down on the curb until even the movers had loaded up the last box and the big truck rattled off down the street, on its way to Georgia.
When Iván got home that night I was cooking dinner. “Hi,” I called. “We won’t have Joana’s leftovers anymore, so you’ll have to learn to deal with my food. I don’t think her cooking lessons helped me much. Sorry.”
He slowly put down his bag. “I’ve been calling you all day.”
“I texted that I was fine. I just didn’t want to talk right then.” I turned back to the stove.
“Benji’s really gone.”
I rubbed at the ache in my chest. “Yes, gone today. We packed all last night and I’m pretty tired. Joana was so funny. She made Undine pay us each two thousand dollars to help her. I gave my money to Joana.”
Iván sat at the table. “I can’t believe she only told you last night. Benji had no idea?”
Anger welled inside me. I wanted to pick up the frying pan and throw it as hard as I could against the wall. “No, she had been planning it for a long time, but she didn’t let anyone know. Undine is something else, isn’t she? I’m glad I won’t have to deal with her anymore.”
“Maura, you’re acting strange,” Iván told me.
“Am I?”
“I thought you would be so upset about Benji.”
I shrugged. “He’s better off with his family in Georgia. He’s going to live with his uncle so Undine can give herself a fresh start and get married again. She’ll probably have more kids, perfect ones that she’ll love instead of Benji.” My voice had started to go up but I got it back under control. “He’ll be fine down there.”
“You can visit him.”
I shrugged again. “It’s better not to. The sooner he forgets, the better.”
Iván looked stunned. “You want him to forget you?”
“It’s better for him if he does. He’s in a new place, with people who love him. He should just move on. Hey, I was looking at job listings today. There’s actually a family about three blocks away looking for a nanny just until the end of the semester. That would be perfect for me, right?”
“Perfect,” Iván echoed. “Do you need any help with dinner?”
“No, thank you.”
I started chopping a carrot. Whack, whack. Bits of orange flew off my knife. I stopped and wiped off the counter, the wall, the floor.
Iván kept staring at me while we ate. “It must be weird having me home. You’re used to a lot more time alone,” I mentioned. “It will just be until I get another job. That shouldn’t take long.”
“I don’t mind us being here together. I still think you’re acting strange.”
I put down my fork, carefully and quietly. “How so? How should I be acting.”
Iván stopped eating too. “Crying? Talking about it? You were practically his mother for three years. You were with him five days a week, much more over vacations and in the summer. I can’t imagine how this must feel for you.” He reached for my hand but I pulled it away.
“You and I are not the same,” I explained. “I’m not trying to be rude, but you’ve led a pretty charmed life. I’m used to this. People come and go. It’s just the way it is. You have to move on or you get stuck.”
“You’ve said that to me before. I didn’t think you’d feel that way about Benji.”
I stood and carried my plate to the sink. I didn’t have any appetite. “Do you want me to fall apart? I cried last night and made Benji feel worse. Does that make you happy?” I put both hands on my breastbone and rubbed at the ache.
“Of course this doesn’t make me happy! I—”
“I forgot to get a book I need at the library. I better run over there now, before it closes.”
I grabbed my bag and left, so glad to have my own car. The house was quiet and dark when I returned and let myself in, and I tiptoed into the living room.
“Maura.”
I screamed and jumped about a foot in the air. “Glory! Iván, you scared me to death. Why are you up so late?”
He flipped on the light next to the couch, sat up, and rubbed his eyes. “You took a long time at the library.”
“Yeah. I drove around some, too. I’m sorry I was short with you before. I just don’t want to talk about it, ok?” I sat down next to him.
“Ok,” he answered. I found myself leaning toward him, and his arm went around my shoulders. “Want to go upstairs?”
I nodded. We lay down together in his big bed and I finally started to feel warm. I had been freezing the whole day.
“Just so you understand,” Iván said quietly, “I’m not leaving.”
I picked up my head. “You don’t know. What if you and Christos fight more, and he fires you? Or you want to live in Madrid again? Or your parents need you to come back to Cáceres? Or you—”
“I could leave California,” he interrupted me, “but I’m not leaving you. Not ever.”
I put my head back down. He didn’t know. I needed to make the most of things while I had him. I went to sleep after I had resolved to do just that.
∞
“What do you think?”
“Huh? Sorry, what?”
Iván reached over and gently pulled a lock of my hair. “I’m asking if you want to come to the meet this weekend with me. It won’t be so fun, sitting at a pool all day, but I would like to have you there.”
I was having trouble focusing. I would find myself sitting in class worrying if Benji was wearing his coat. I kept checking the weather and it was cold in Atlanta—was anyone making sure he was warm enough? Did they know that he had an incipient cavity in his first molar on the bottom left? He had to floss each night to try to keep it in check. Was anyone making him play outside, or was he on screens all afternoon? Were the kids in his
new school nice to him? Was he making friends? I had stopped myself from calling his grandma about a hundred times. I knew it was better to let him go. Better for him, better for me.
Joana had called me, but I hadn’t gotten back to her yet. She had gotten tearful just leaving a message on my phone. We didn’t need to get each other worked up. Joana had her real family here, and she would be fine. She could just focus on them and I would worry about my own issues.
And Robin had been calling, in addition to his texts. I had deleted his messages without listening, blocked his number, and taken him out of my phone entirely. I didn’t care about what he had to say, not anymore.
“What do you think about coming with me?” Iván prompted. “It’s a short flight to LAX. This could be your practice flight. We swim Saturday and Sunday, then home.” He hesitated. “Is there anyone you want to see or visit there? Any old friends?”
I shook my head. “No. I don’t know anyone in Los Angeles anymore.” But I couldn’t stand the thought of being home alone for the weekend. “Maybe I could drive down and meet you.”
“Please don’t take this the wrong way—”
“Now I know it’s something bad and I will,” I interrupted.
He laughed and put his hands on my shoulders. “As much as you love your car, and as much as my dad checked it over, I still don’t think it’s a good idea for you to go five or six hours alone on the highway in it. I already got you a ticket to fly.”
“Iván! No, it’s ok. I can pay you back.”
“You can come.” He tugged on my hair, then wrapped it around his finger. “Take a little break from here. I think it would be good for you to have a change.”
He looked worried. Was I behaving that badly?
That’s how I ended up in the boarding area at Oakland International Airport, doing the breathing exercises that Julia recommended. The whole team was on the flight and I was trying not to cause a major scene by starting to scream that I couldn’t do it. Christos, the head coach, was sitting next to us at the gate and he and Iván were chatting away.
“Does that sound good to you, Maura?” Iván asked me, and I realized they were both looking at me expectantly. I had been thinking about Benji flying and if he got scared. Did they know in Georgia that he still liked to have a nightlight? But it couldn’t be too bright, or he would use it to sneak in more reading instead of sleeping. Did anyone know that but me?
Lost to Light Page 21
