by J P Barnaby
“Aaron.. We. Should. Talk. About. This. With. Dad.,” Spencer told him, and it felt like every word needed to be forced from his lungs, because he didn’t want to talk things over with his dad. He wanted to do exactly what Aaron was doing—calling Mrs. Downing to yell and scream and rage about the way they had treated his father. Guilt roiled in his stomach like acid. He had brought Aaron and his father together. It was his idea to put Aaron in his father’s path, so he’d try to help—and look what happened. He’d gotten his father into legal trouble.
“Mom, it’s Aaron. No, I’m not ready for you to pick me up. In fact, I don’t think I’ll be ready to see you again until tomorrow. I’m going to stay at Spencer’s tonight. Do I think it’s a good idea? I think it’s a better idea than serving his father with court papers and taking away the only thing in two years that’s helped me feel like a real fucking person instead of a walking corpse. You didn’t listen to me at all that night we talked about Dr. Thomas, did you? No, I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I’ll be home tomorrow. Yes. Bye, Mom.” Aaron threw the phone onto the coffee table and put his head in his hands. Spencer looked up to see his father standing in the doorway. He must have heard Aaron’s fight with his mother.
“Guess that means you’re staying for dinner?” Spencer’s father asked, and Aaron looked up, sorrow filling his face.
“I’m sorry, Dr. Thomas. I’m sorry about what my parents have done.”
“Aaron, none of this is your fault. I offered to treat you and you accepted. Everything else is pretty much my own fault,” he said and shrugged away from the doorframe.
“I should have told them,” Aaron said. His body felt so tense, like a wild animal ready to spring. The remorse on his face and the sadness in his eyes broke Spencer’s heart.
“If you had, they would have reacted the same way, and you wouldn’t have made the progress you did. I will speak to my attorney and see what we can do to fight the injunction. Tomorrow, I’ll speak with your parents and see if we can’t work this out. Try not to worry,” Dr. Thomas told him with a weary smile and went back to the kitchen.
“I guess I should have asked before I blew up at my mom, but would you mind if I stayed over? I can sleep down here in the rec room on the couch,” Aaron asked, looking rather abashed as he caught Spencer’s eye.
Spencer’s imagination moved far past that, and had jumped to watching them making out in his bed. He shook it off immediately, because Aaron just couldn’t deal with that yet. God, he’d spent more time whacking off in the shower since Aaron kissed him than he had his entire junior year of high school.
“Of. Course. You. Can. Stay., And. You. Do. Not. Have. To. Sleep. Down. Here.. I… I., uhm… Have. A. Queen.. It. Is. Big. Enough. For. Both. Of. Us.,” Spencer told him, the naked, raw hope plain in his voice. His heart ached when Aaron closed his eyes.
Aaron didn’t shake his head, but his entire body stiffened. “I don’t know if I can do that. I have really bad nightmares sometimes, and if I wake up in bed with someone—”
“Then. We. Will. Deal. With. It.. I. Have. Seen. Your. Panic. Attacks.. But. If. You. Do. Not. Want. To., I. Will. Understand.,” Spencer murmured like it was the last thing on earth he wanted to say. Aaron’s body didn’t relax as Spencer expected it to. “What. Is. It.?”
“It shouldn’t have to be this hard.” Aaron looked away, and it took everything Spencer had not to pull Aaron back against his chest. “I’m eighteen years old. I should be able to sleep in my boyfriend’s arms without freaking out.”
Spencer smiled; he couldn’t help himself. The warm feeling bubbled in his chest like a laugh, but stronger.
“What?” Aaron asked.
“I. Liked. That. You. Called. Me. Your. Boyfriend..”
Aaron smiled, and the warm feeling in Spencer’s chest grew just a bit more.
“I like it too,” Aaron said and leaned over to rest his head on Spencer’s chest.
“Come. And. Lay. Down. With. Me.. If. You. Want. To. Come. Down. Stairs., I. Will. Set. Up. The. Couch. For. You.,” Spencer said into Aaron’s hair. Aaron stayed quiet for several minutes, and Spencer was afraid he might have missed the answer when, finally, Aaron nodded. Spencer held Aaron for a long time, letting him get used to being held, before he took Aaron’s hand and led him to the stairs.
SPENCER’S NERVES were like live wires under his skin as he got undressed and ready for bed. He’d already brushed his teeth and then got out of the way to let Aaron into the en suite bathroom. He could almost see Aaron as he stood on the other side of the door to the bathroom and changed into a pair of Spencer’s huge, baggy sweats and a long-sleeved thermal from his father.
“There. Is. An. Extra. Toothbrush. In. The. Cabinet. Above. The. Sink.,” Spencer called through the bit of wood that separated them. Spencer climbed into the bed and slid back to the far side, next to the wall. He usually slept on the other side, but he didn’t want Aaron to feel trapped in any way.
He turned on his side and faced away from the wall while he waited for Aaron to come out. It took far longer than he expected, and he wondered if maybe his friend was afraid, or if he was having a panic attack. Spencer slid over and had thrown his legs over the side of the bed when the bathroom door opened. Scrambling back to the far side of the bed, he threw the blankets over his legs as Aaron emerged. The sweats hung down at the ankles, and he had to roll up the sleeves on the shirt. He looked like a little kid in grown-up clothes, lost and alone. The frightened look on his face killed Spencer, and he nearly asked if Aaron wanted to sleep downstairs.
Avoiding Spencer’s eyes, Aaron shuffled to the bed and sat down on the side. It took a few minutes before he would lie down next to Spencer.
“If. You. Want. To. Sleep. Down. Stairs., You. Can.. It. Will. Not. Hurt. My. Feelings.,” Spencer told him, trying to make his voice as gentle as possible. It felt like his voice came out kind of soft, but of course, he couldn’t tell. Aaron turned his head so Spencer could see his face.
“Just give me a minute, please.”
Spencer watched as Aaron closed his eyes and did a few deep breathing exercises Spencer recognized from the sessions with his father. Slowly, almost reluctantly it seemed, Aaron’s body relaxed. The tension in his shoulders and in his face loosened, and his hands unclenched at his sides.
“Okay, let’s try this,” Aaron said after a minute, and opened his arms. Spencer moved slowly to the middle of the bed, the blankets rubbing against his bare back, and rested his head on Aaron’s chest. Closing his eyes, he relaxed to the feel of Aaron’s heart beating against his cheek. He couldn’t hear it, but the steady pulse felt comfortable and safe. God, he’d never done that before, just lain with someone in bed and felt strong arms around him.
His mouth captured Aaron’s before he could stop himself. The sweet feel of Aaron’s lips, soft and pliant under his, made his cock harden. When Aaron opened up to him and their tongues brushed against each other, they lingered just long enough to make Spencer crazy. The afternoon with the delivery guy seemed like for-fucking-ever ago, but he also knew he needed to be gentle with Aaron.
Aaron pulled away slowly, but Spencer moved forward instead, keeping no space between them as their kisses turned deeper. His fingers brushed through Aaron’s short hair, and he felt a hand at the base of his spine, holding him gently. Overwhelmed by the emotion of the moment, Spencer couldn’t articulate, even to himself, how deep Aaron’s kisses touched him. It was as if someone had opened him up and shone a light into his soul. They took his breath away.
Spencer moved over Aaron, and they touched everywhere: chests, stomachs, legs, and everywhere in between. He could feel his erection pressing against Aaron’s lower stomach, and groaned with the effort to master himself. The last thing on earth he wanted was to scare Aaron.
They kissed harder, and Spencer tried desperately to show Aaron how much he was needed, and wanted, and… loved.
AARON’S HEART raced in his chest, and he tried to breathe as Spencer’s
weight pinned him to the bed. I can’t do this, I can’t… I can’t…. The memory formed in his mind of another body on top of him, pinning him to the garage floor. Only that body tore him in two and he couldn’t get away from it. Spencer kept kissing him, heedless of the fact he was trying to push him off. Spencer’s eyes were closed, and he couldn’t see Aaron’s face. Tiny, frightened whimpers broke from his throat that Spencer couldn’t hear. He tore away from the kiss, shaking his head, trying desperately to stop the flashback from taking over his mind.
“Aaron.?” Spencer asked. Regret and disappointment filled his face.
Aaron couldn’t breathe. Silent sobs filled his chest, almost strangling him with their intensity. His throat burned and he pushed Spencer hard, but with the spell broken, Spencer moved instantly.
“Aaron. I. Am. Sorry.. Are. You. Okay.?” Spencer touched his arm, and the rest of Aaron’s body caught up with his heaving chest. Tears spilled down his face, and everything started to shake. Sitting up quickly, Spencer propped himself against the headboard and took Aaron into his arms. He made quiet shushing sounds and rubbed Aaron’s head like a parent might comfort a child. Aaron wrapped his arms around Spencer’s waist and nuzzled his face against Spencer’s bare chest. It felt nice. That part felt so nice. He selfishly took Spencer’s comfort, knowing he could offer nothing in return.
“We. Do. Not. Have. To. Do. That.. I. Just…. I. Did. Not. Think..” Spencer squeezed him tightly for just a second, and in that embrace, Aaron felt his love and his remorse. It gave him the strength to sit up and look Spencer in the face.
“It’s not your fault,” Aaron told him, and began to relax as the memory faded.
“Do. You. Know. What. Triggered. It.? We. Have. Kissed. Before..”
Spencer continued to rub his back, and it comforted him as he thought about the question. They had kissed before. He didn’t think it had to do with the fact they were in bed, because he knew Spencer didn’t expect sex. It wasn’t Spencer’s naked skin—he liked the way that felt against his face. It could have been the intensity, or their position. Yes, that was a definite possibility. He didn’t like being trapped on the bottom. Of course, he’d also had that problem masturbating in the shower, so maybe it was sex in general.
Only one way to find out.
Aaron wiped his face on his borrowed sleeve and gulped down air as he tried to stop the shaking and the fear. His eyes held Spencer’s, and he leaned forward very slowly.
Spencer pushed backward against the headboard and tried to get out of his reach. “What. Are. You. Doing.?” he asked.
Aaron’s chest tightened at his hesitation. Spencer wanted to protect him, just like his mother wanted to protect him, but if he ever wanted to get any better, he needed to work through the pain, not hide from it.
“I think you being on top of me triggered it. Either that, or the intensity of the kissing. I want to test that theory,” Aaron told him, surprised by how calm he sounded. His heart pounded in his ears. He had no clue if it was a good idea or not, but he knew he wanted to try again. Dealing with the flashbacks had become easier over the last few months since he’d been seeing Dr. Thomas. He would risk them if it meant having a few minutes of “normal” with Spencer.
“Okay.” Spencer stopped trying to climb the headboard and held perfectly still as Aaron came forward and let their lips touch again. The fear and panic rose in him again, but not as strongly. He kissed Spencer deeper, losing himself in the feel of Spencer’s mouth on his. Spencer hesitated at first, but then wrapped his arms very loosely around Aaron, and Aaron could have wept at his gentleness. Lying half on Spencer, Aaron’s groin pressed against his unyielding body. Very, very slowly, he moved his hips and felt his cock rub against Spencer’s, filling, hardening, and he felt dizzy with arousal. He couldn’t tell if his heart raced from excitement or fear, but they needed to stop before things got out of hand again.
He broke the kiss reluctantly and buried his grin in his boyfriend’s shoulder.
“DO YOU want to talk about last night?” Dr. Thomas asked as he placed a plate of scrambled eggs on the table. Aaron put the toast he’d just made next to it while Spencer set the table. Did he? He had already sent a text to his mother to let her know he’d made it through the night. She responded with a very curt Okay. God, she was probably furious with him, but the anger he’d felt the night before dissipated with the dawn.
“I thought you couldn’t treat me anymore?” Aaron went over to the refrigerator and checked the door for jelly, happy when he found both strawberry and grape. Positioning them near the toast with a small feeling of triumph at actually having helped, he turned to look at Dr. Thomas, who was making sure everything on the stove had been turned off before taking his place at the table. God, the whole kitchen smelled like bacon, which made his stomach rumble.
“That doesn’t mean I can’t listen,” he said, picked up his fork, and looked at Aaron expectantly. Aaron glanced at Spencer, who gave him a gentle, reassuring smile, so he tried to organize the jumbled mess from last night in his head. The legal thing his parents did made him angry, but he had to take a really hard look to figure out why. They’d been doing everything for him for the last two years, but something changed over the last few months. He wasn’t with his mother as much as he had been in the beginning. He could go to Spencer’s. He could go to lunch with him. He didn’t feel that panicky feeling every minute of every day like he used to. It wasn’t all due to Spencer, but Aaron liked being with him. He helped Aaron relax.
He made Aaron feel normal.
“I’m mad at my parents for what they did. I know they are trying do what they think is best for me, but they sat and listened to me that night and completely disregarded my decision to keep seeing you.” Aaron picked up a piece of toast and spread grape jelly over it in a thick layer. No butter. Just jelly. It had been like that for as long as he could remember. Maybe there were some things about him that hadn’t changed. Fundamentally, on some level, he was still Aaron—even if he didn’t feel like it sometimes.
“I can see where that would make you feel invalidated. Have you talked to your mother since the phone call last night?”
“I sent her a text this morning to let her know I was okay. Last night was the first night I’ve stayed away from my house since I was in the hospital.” The eggs were amazing. Light and fluffy with just the right amount of cheese, they melted in his mouth as Aaron ate. He noticed he always ate better at Spencer’s house. Either because they made all his favorite things, or just because he felt more comfortable, he wasn’t sure. Expectations were lower there, and the atmosphere more relaxed. That knot in his stomach about the institution seemed to loosen when he hung out with Spencer and even with his father.
“And how did that go?” Dr. Thomas asked, and while his voice remained casual, his eyes flickered to Spencer, who watched the conversation with interest.
“We didn’t have sex, if that’s what you’re asking,” Aaron said as his face heated. He took a serious interest in his eggs, and couldn’t even glance at Spencer, who sat next to him without comment.
“That wasn’t what I was asking. What you and Spencer do in bed is none of my or anyone else’s business. I just wanted to know if you had any nightmares because of the sexual connotation of sleeping together or even from sleeping in a strange place.”
He didn’t look upset, which relaxed Aaron a bit, and he snagged another piece of bacon from the platter next to the eggs.
“I had a bit of a problem at first, while—” Aaron glanced at Spencer, who nodded that it was okay to tell his father they’d been kissing. “—while we were kissing. But we talked about it, and I took a hard look at what could have caused it. I think it was because… well… because Spencer was…. Do we have to talk about this?”
“No, but I’m glad you talked about and worked through the trigger. That’s very good, Aaron.”
The conversation turned toward school, which had ended the week before. Spencer had managed to get
through his final exams without exploding. Aaron had gotten out of bed and made it to the college to take his. He’d e-mailed his advisor and agreed to take Freshman Composition along with the second programming course in the sequence since Spencer said they never had to read anything aloud. He made sure to schedule his programming course at the same time as Spencer’s. Dr. Thomas said he thought Aaron taking two courses the following semester was manageable. The discussion smacked of normalcy in a way Aaron rarely felt.
“Are. You. Going. To. Go. Home. Today.?” Spencer asked just before shoveling the last of the eggs from his plate into his mouth. Dr. Thomas looked up from his coffee and waited for Aaron’s answer.
Taking a long drink of his orange juice, Aaron contemplated the answer. Being with Spencer comforted him, but he needed to talk things over with his parents. If nothing else, he wanted to clear the air about the injunction against Dr. Thomas.
“Yeah, I need to talk to them.” Aaron shrugged and polished off the bacon from his plate. His stomach actually hurt, he’d eaten so much. In the last two years, he couldn’t remember a time when he’d eaten until it was actually painful. His first thought was to call his mother. She’d love that. “I love my parents. I just need to make them see that your dad is helping me.”
THE EMPTY living room loomed in front of him as Aaron opened the front door. He dropped the grocery bag with his dirty clothes on the floor near the stairs. Closing his eyes for just a second, he gathered himself as he slipped off his shoes. There was no sound except a faint music, probably coming from the basement where his brothers slept. The scent of blueberry drifted in from the kitchen, so he decided to apologize to his mother and maybe start a conversation.
She sat at the kitchen table drinking coffee and stared at an untouched muffin on the table in front of her. The circles under her eyes and the sadness in her face made his heart hurt. He’d put her through so much in the last two years. Why couldn’t she see that he was trying to make it better by seeing Dr. Thomas? He didn’t want to be such a fucking burden on his family, on her. Though he’d eaten breakfast with Spencer and his father just a couple hours before, he grabbed a muffin from the counter as he walked into the room. His mother finally looked up as he sat down across from her at the table.
