by J P Barnaby
After turning off the water, he dried his hands on his shorts and made his way down the hallway. He could already smell peppers and onions from the kitchen where Jude stood at the stove in a pair of thick sweatpants that hugged his ass and stopped just above his bare feet.
“Would you like some help?” Ben asked, coming up behind Jude with a tender kiss on his neck. He wanted to rest his chin on Jude’s shoulder, but the man was nearly half a foot taller and it just wasn’t feasible. Instead he pressed his forehead between Jude’s shoulder blades as he wrapped an arm around his lover’s waist.
“Mmm…. Nope, I like you right where you are,” Jude said as he dropped some chopped ham into the sauté pan. Eggs and cheese sat in a bowl off to the side, already whisked together and waiting their turn.
“I like this,” Ben whispered against Jude’s bare skin, suddenly wishing he’d foregone a shirt as well so he could feel Jude’s body against his naked chest.
“I like it too.” Jude grabbed the bowl and slid the contents into the pan. His left hand settled over Ben’s while he used his right to manage the omelet. Jude seemed content to stand in Ben’s arms while he cooked, and neither man spoke while he finished up breakfast. It wasn’t until the omelets had been plated and they were seated on the couch that Jude started the conversation about the previous night.
“I’m not sure I can be what you want me to be,” Jude said quietly as he paid more attention to his eggs than was really warranted. He cut the eggs into smaller and smaller bites as he avoided Ben’s gaze. “Is it something that you have to have? Is it a deal breaker if I can’t… if I can’t hurt you?”
“I don’t know, to be honest. I had such a hard time after Juliette died and my parents moved. It wasn’t that I wanted to go with them, because that fucking shrine they have in her room just tore at me. They left her room exactly the way it was the day she died, and I know my mother has the same room set up in their new house. It just waits there like they think she’s just going to come home one day.” Ben pushed his plate away on the small table, and Max looked up hopefully. A car door slammed somewhere in the distance, and Ben sat back against the cushions. He shifted his leg to take the pressure off his knee with a low hiss. “Anyway, I was having a hard time sleeping, I wasn’t eating, and I just couldn’t fucking concentrate. I didn’t know what to do, or how to deal with it. My parents took me to shrinks my whole life to deal with my shitty attitude as I was growing up. They thought I had ADHD resulting from the coke in my system when I was born. Anyway, I started seeing that guy, Bruce, remember him?”
“Yeah, I remember them all,” Jude said dully and set his own plate back down on the table. The light in Jude’s eyes dimmed, and Ben couldn’t stand to see his pain.
“Anyway, he was into it and thought maybe it would help me.”
“He hit you?” Jude asked as he turned sideways on the couch to face Ben. He pulled one leg up between them and didn’t protest when Max hopped up into his lap.
“No, he was a sub too. We had fun together, but we really weren’t compatible that way. He introduced me to his Dom, Garrett, who suggested that I train to be a submissive. He told me that it was a great way to get out of my own head for a while. At first, I hated it. I hated the pain and I hated being told what to do and how to react. It took a while for me to realize that the physical pain blocked out the overwhelming pain inside of me and when I let go, I didn’t have to think.”
“Ben, it’s…. It’s not healthy. Using one pain to mask another, it’s like those kids who cut themselves, only you’re letting someone else do the cutting. Have you thought about seeing someone? A therapist?” Jude asked, and Ben could tell he was trying to be gentle, but the man he’d spent the night fucking had just told him he needed a shrink. That kind of stung.
“I don’t know. I love it now. It helps with the other stuff, plus it turns me on. God, when you whipped me with that belt last night; that was so hot. But what did you think about it? How did you feel?” Ben didn’t think he wanted the answer to that question, but if they were going to move forward, if he had even a chance at getting Jude to…. Anyway, he had to know. Max surfaced briefly to nuzzle at Jude’s hand before settling back down to doze.
“I… I don’t know what I felt. At the time, it… but afterward, seeing the bruises that I made, I just…,” Jude stuttered. Ben sifted through the stilted response and picked up the words he needed.
“At the time, it, what?” He asked and leaned into Jude, who put an arm around his shoulders. Jude sighed quietly against his temple and Ben waited. Nothing existed except for them, except for that moment.
“At the time, I got… I got excited. I got hard when I was using the belt. I don’t know why. I’ve never done anything like that, or been into anything like that. It wasn’t seeing the marks on your skin, though. It was about, well, the sounds you were making. You were so into it. I could tell that it really turned you on, and I wanted to get you off. When you begged like that, to fuck you, I nearly lost it. I wasn’t even sure I was going to get the lotion before I came,” Jude admitted ruefully.
“So you know how it felt for me too,” Ben said, but judging by the lines between Jude’s brows, he knew he shouldn’t push right then. They had time to talk about it. He had to be patient. He had to make sure Jude was comfortable first, because he had the feeling that was what a relationship was about. His father spent an inordinate amount of time catering to his mother, and their marriage had continued strong and true for the last thirty years.
Jude’s wrung-out appearance bothered him. He looked like Ben felt after a hard session. A light went on in his head, and he hid a small smile behind a kiss to Jude’s temple. Ben had never provided aftercare for a Dom, not once in his life, but for Jude—
“Can we hang out on the couch and watch a movie for a while?” Ben asked in a whisper against Jude’s soft skin. Resting a hand on Jude’s bare chest, he thought about all the times Kage had patched him up with efficient courtesy, but never with kindness or affection. Jude had seen the darkest parts of Ben’s soul and wanted him anyway. He would take Ben broken and pieced together because of his love.
Jude deserved better.
Jude deserved everything.
Eleven
“WE NEED to set you up for physical therapy sessions, and you’re still going to need the crutches for a while until the muscle tone in your leg returns,” the doctor said as he set the mechanical brace on a shelf next to the examining table. The look of relief on Ben’s face made Jude smile. It was one step closer to Ben getting back to work, to getting his life back. Well, parts of his life had changed. They had just spent most nights of the last three weeks in bed, naked and entwined in each other’s arms, making love. Jude had loved Ben, abstractly, from afar before his accident, but it had grown to a whole new level in the last few weeks. When they weren’t fucking, Jude bottoming as often as he topped, they talked. Ben talked about those first few bleak days after his sister’s death. Jude talked about watching his mother, his champion, dying in front of his eyes. Ben described his relationship with his parents, which had been surprisingly good until Ben shut himself off when they moved. Jude explained his worry about Susan and her new boyfriend. They talked about everything, everything except Ben’s need for BDSM. Though he was in no condition to get back into it, Jude could tell Ben was edgy.
Jude also hadn’t brought up the topic of therapy again, though he’d been talking about it with Susan. He didn’t know if Ben would be upset about Jude revealing that secret to her, but he needed someone to talk to about it. It loomed like storm clouds over their relationship, a relationship Jude had come to cherish, and he was desperate to understand. He didn’t know if he could give Ben what he wanted, but to keep Ben in his life and in his bed, he’d certainly fucking try.
His thoughts were interrupted when the doctor released Ben and told him someone would be in touch to schedule his biweekly physical therapy. Twice a week, he’d have to figure out how to get Ben to physical
therapy on top of the overtime he was already doing. He’d only been able to take Ben to the doctor today with a promise to Andy he’d be in just after lunch and make up the time.
Something must have shown on his face because Ben turned to the doctor and asked, “Is there any reason I can’t drive?” The doctor considered him carefully and wrote something in his chart.
“No, there shouldn’t be an issue with driving. You may have to drive with both feet, but your right leg should be strong enough to work the gas pedal.”
Jude started to shake his head, but Ben put a hand on his arm. When the doctor left the room and closed the door behind him so Ben could dress, he pulled Jude into a slow kiss, like they had all the time in the world.
“It’s not fair to keep putting everything on you when I can do things for myself. I need to start pulling my weight again. You don’t need to take care of me like I’m a child.” Ben’s voice, while not hard, was firm. Jude made him feel like less of a man. He nodded, not wanting to argue. They were still in the honeymoon stage of their new relationship, and he wouldn’t upset that balance.
“Okay then, you can drive home,” Jude said with a smirk. Ben smacked him on the ass with his crutch when Jude turned to grab Ben’s clothes. Without thinking, he said, “Aren’t I supposed to be the one hitting you?”
He hated the way Ben’s eyes lit up.
As they walked to the car ten minutes later, Ben tried to bring up the subject again.
“What would you think about going to a club Saturday night? I’m still on the list at a place where we could just hang out and watch some of the action. You could see what really happens rather than just letting your imagination paint dark images.” The hope in Ben’s voice nearly drowned Jude. It was on the very tip of Jude’s tongue to say no, but then his eyes met Ben’s and he saw the desperate need in them. A huge, pink concrete mixer rolled by on the road just past Jude’s car. He watched its progress as it backed through the gate at the end of the parking lot. Ben didn’t say anything; he just waited patiently for Jude to collect his thoughts.
“I won’t have to hit you, right? I won’t have to wear leather or anything?” Jude shuddered to think of how ridiculous he’d look in those leather pants he’d seen on the website Ben used to talk to other people who liked that sort of thing. Ben smiled and hobbled over to the back of the car where Jude stood. He placed a gentle kiss on Jude’s lips.
“I don’t want you to do anything you feel uncomfortable with. Guys go dressed in jeans all the time. If you don’t like it, we’ll leave. I’m not up to dancing yet, but I’m sure we could find something to do.” Ben waggled his eyebrows in a lewd fashion that made Jude laugh despite his lingering doubts.
“I’ll go, for you.” Jude made the distinction very clear. He didn’t want to go to some BDSM club and watch naked guys getting beaten, but he would go for Ben because it was something that Ben needed.
“One day,” Ben whispered against Jude’s lips, “I hope you’ll want to go for you too.”
IT TOOK a while for Ben to be able to walk without crutches, but eventually, Jude found himself at The Spreader Bar, a members-only BDSM club straight out of some sleazy erotica novel. He held a death grip on Ben’s hand as they slinked their way through a small crowd watching a live demonstration on a huge wooden cross. Startled to see a woman hanging from it because he’d assumed they were in a gay club, he forced his eyes away when the thin strips of leather fanned out across her back with a sharp crack. Jude found he had to avert his eyes a few times because they seemed to be drawn to the spectacle, something that was not lost on Ben.
“See how he makes sure to avoid her lower back over her kidneys? Most people in the lifestyle are very safety conscious. They’re looking to provide pain and pleasure for both partners to enjoy, not just inflict pain because they can. It’s just a different kind of stimulation.” Ben moved behind him and wrapped strong arms around Jude’s waist. His voice was low and excited against Jude’s ear as the whipping continued over the woman’s naked bottom.
“Look at her arching her back, pushing her ass out. She’s begging him for more without ever saying a word. The flogger is an effective implement in the right hands. A skilled Dom can cause either pain or pleasure with it.” Ben rubbed his hardening cock lightly against Jude’s ass, not enough to get off, just enough to tease.
“Which do you like more?” Jude asked in spite of himself, aroused by the heat in Ben’s voice and the desperate need of the girl on the cross.
“I like them both.”
They picked up bottles of water at the bar and leaned back against it to survey the room. It was a huge open space with a high two-story ceiling supported by dark wooden arches. The very back of the room had an upstairs that overlooked the rest of the club. Ornate iron chandeliers hung between the wooden beams, lit by candle-looking lights. In other places ceiling fans churned the air in lazy circles. A row of booths on a raised section backed against a smoke-colored brick wall. Each booth had its own stair to reach it, and above every third booth hung a flat-panel television that played a different bondage porn scene. With all of the other noise in the room, Jude couldn’t tell if the televisions had sound, but he could imagine what kind of cries would come from them.
Other equipment, strategically placed across the well-maintained hardwood floor, was being used by other players to great effect. A boy lay across a padded sawhorse just a few feet to their left in nothing but a jock, spread and bound as his Dom worked a dildo in and out of his ass. His frantic pleas were audible even from several feet away in the crowded club.
“There are more intimate scenes upstairs with smaller groups of people watching, and then private rooms downstairs,” Ben explained. Jude’s cock strained against the fly of his tight jeans as he thought about taking Ben down to one of the private rooms. He had no idea what he’d do with the equipment once they got in there, but he wanted to fuck his lover in the worst way. The place was like a hedonistic paradise with carnal pleasures all around them for the taking.
“Hello, boy, it’s good to see you up and around.”
The voice, low and gruff, grated on Jude’s nerves, and he looked up to see Kage standing before them decked out in leather, a black canvas duffel in his hand. A boy knelt at his feet, as naked as Kage was dressed. He waited patiently on a leash. Jude hated the way the big Dom just expected Ben to kneel at his feet or something after being cast aside for an unblemished replacement. Jude rarely even noticed Ben’s scars anymore, but right then they were exposed by the lighting in the club. He wanted to stand in front of Ben, shield him from Kage’s scrutiny, but Ben didn’t seem to care.
“Hello, Sir, Justin. You remember Jude?” he asked with casual grace, and Jude smiled when Ben squeezed his hand. It bugged Jude a little that Ben still called Kage “sir,” but maybe it was something about the lifestyle he hadn’t yet learned. Kage nodded to him in acknowledgement, but Jude simply met his eyes.
“I saw that your FetLife profile doesn’t have a Dom listed. Stephan and Henry are both here and looking for a sub if you’d like an introduction,” Kage said. Jude noticed the boy at Kage’s feet shift, and his blood ran cold at the offer. It was exactly what Ben wanted, what he needed, certainly more than the fumbling and ineptitude that Jude offered.
“I’m not looking,” Ben told him with a small smile. Jude thought it might have looked a little smug. Kage looked between them and then to their joined hands.
“You think a vanilla relationship is going to cure your craving? You’re a hardcore fetish whore, boy.” Kage’s voice had an edge to it, and he felt Ben’s hand tighten almost like a spasm. The bulge in the front of Ben’s jeans told Jude he’d heard Kage loud and clear. “You showing up here proves that you miss it.”
“I’m going to learn to be what he needs,” Jude said plainly. He didn’t want to get into shit with Kage. In fact, he didn’t even want to have a conversation with the man. A scream to their left brought his head up sharply, and he lost focus for a
moment.
“You can’t learn to be a Dom. Either you are one, or you aren’t. Oh, you can learn to use the tools, learn how to keep him safe, but not how to want it. You either want to push his face down into the floor and strap his ass before you fuck it, or you don’t. It’s not something you learn, it’s something you are.”
Heat swelled in Jude’s face, expected, welcomed even, but he was surprised by the heat in his groin. He couldn’t have imagined any situation where degrading and hurting Ben would be sexy—until Kage painted the picture in his head. Ben on wide-spread knees on the cold wooden floor, his ass upturned for anything Jude wanted. He could tie Ben there, play with him for hours until he begged and pleaded for Jude.
Something of his thoughts must have shown on his face, because Kage’s expression lost its edge.
“Let’s pick up a private room downstairs and see what you’ve got. What do you think, boy?” Kage directed his question to Ben, but watched Jude from the corner of his eye. He didn’t know what Kage’s game was, but Ben’s eyes had glassed over as if Kage had shot a drug into his veins, and he didn’t have the heart to refuse. It had been a long time since Ben had been able to indulge in his fantasies, and he needed it, even Jude saw that. The boy at Kage’s feet whined like a puppy, but Kage merely nudged him with a boot.
“It…. I…,” Ben floundered and looked to Jude. No, he didn’t just look to Jude, he deferred to Jude. Ben would do anything Jude wanted in that moment; he could see that clear as day. God, it was a rush. He’d lusted after Ben for so fucking long. Every one of his dreams had come true, and he just had to hurt the man he loved in order to keep them. It was the worst kind of hell.
“Yeah, fine,” Jude said. Ben jerked his arm and pulled him in for a lingering kiss, which Jude smiled into. When they broke apart, Jude saw irritation and maybe something more in Kage’s face. Yep, you should have taken better care of your toys, Mr. Dom, because he’s mine now.
