by J P Barnaby
Aaron’s knuckles went white on the steering wheel. They’d been over it a couple of times since Aaron had started dating Spencer. He chanced a glance at his boyfriend in the backseat, who looked more bemused than offended. Aaron decided to just play it off. He could get into an argument with the old man, but with his grandmother’s declining health, he really didn’t want to rock the boat, at least not where it would cause shit for his mother.
“I don’t know, Grandpa, I’ve still got a couple of years of school left.”
“That’s good, find a nice educated woman. Your grandma helped keep our family together through some tough times,” he said and then seemed to lapse off into his own little world. Aaron looked over to find his grandmother dozing lightly in the sunlight streaming through the open car window. Early September was being just as kind to them as late August had been, not too stifling but still warm enough to keep the windows open.
“I. Will. Be. A. Good. Wife.,” Spencer assured him when they got out of the car at his parents’ house. The mischievous twinkle in his eyes told Aaron he found the whole conversation amusing, and Aaron pushed his arm. Their easy camaraderie warmed him far more than the late summer sun.
When they got back to the party in the backyard, Aaron noticed that the number of people had almost doubled since he left. His parents, brother, and Dr. Thomas had been joined by another guy about Anthony’s age and their neighbors from across the street, with two cute little kids who played with one of Anthony’s soccer balls. Anthony blatantly ignored them in favor of his friend, even though they were sitting side by side with headphones embedded so far in their ears they might have to be surgically removed.
Spencer wrapped his arms around Aaron from behind and just held him as they surveyed the scene. No one paid them any attention as they stood off to the side, out of the way as Aaron’s grandparents entered. Each of the adult attendees fawned over Aaron’s grandmother, asking after her health and making sure she had the perfect chair to sit in because when their aunt’s mother’s uncle had cancer, that’s the kind of chair he sat in. She accepted it with grace, too worn out to do otherwise.
The party lasted for hours longer than Aaron had in him to be social. Long before they even brought out a cake to celebrate… well, whatever it was you celebrated on Labor Day, he and Spencer had gone upstairs to his room and turned on a movie. Dr. Thomas had headed home, so they had no reason to have to stay downstairs and entertain anyone. Aaron didn’t want to talk anymore, about the pending trial or about Spencer moving downtown. He just wanted to spend quality time with his boyfriend and try to stem the quelling ache inside his chest of everything going wrong in his life.
Just as the credits to their movie started to roll, the door opened and Aaron’s mother popped her head in.
“Aaron, honey, are you staying the night at Spencer’s?” she asked, and Aaron lifted his head from Spencer’s warm, strong chest.
“Uhm, yeah, I think so, why?” He looked at Spencer for confirmation, but Spencer had missed what his mother said. He signed rapidly, and Spencer nodded.
“Could you pick Anthony up from a party he and Shane went to? It’s nearly ten.”
“Sure, Mom. Does he know I’m coming, or…?”
“Yes, just text him when you get there. I have the address. It’s over on Sycamore. They walked over, but I don’t want him walking home in the dark.” Her implication was crystal clear. She didn’t want another broken son.
“Sure, we’ll pick him up and bring him home and then head to Spencer’s,” Aaron said as he sat up and pulled Spencer with him. “Just let me get a backpack together.”
“Thanks.”
Aaron grabbed the ragged backpack he’d been using for the last three years of ITM courses and filled the large space with a pair of jeans, T-shirt, underwear, and socks. He went into the bathroom and grabbed a few toiletries, which went into the smaller pocket on the front. He’d just hiked the pack on his shoulder when his phone dinged on the bed.
“Can you check my phone? It’s probably Anthony. Just tell him we’re on our way,” Aaron said and grabbed his tennis shoes from their place at the bottom of his closet. He sat putting them on as Spencer picked up his phone and frowned. He didn’t swipe the phone to open it; he just looked at it.
Aaron hobbled over with the other shoe dangling from its laces in one hand and held the other hand out for his phone. Spencer shoved it at him, and Aaron saw the text was from Jordan.
[Jordan] Why did the deaf blond sit on the newspaper?
Aaron sighed.
[Aaron] My deaf boyfriend just picked up my phone and got your text. I’ll text you back tomorrow.
[Jordan] Damn. Sorry, man.
[Aaron] It’s okay.
“It. Is. Not. Okay… Deaf. Jokes. And. Alzheimer’s. Jokes. And. Fat. Jokes. Are. All. Funny. Until. You. Know. Someone. Who. Is. Deaf. Or. Disabled. Or. Whatever… It. Is. Not. So. Funny. Then.,” Spencer said after reading over his shoulder and strode from the bedroom, hitting the stairs at almost a jog in his hurry to reach the car and go home. Aaron pulled on the other shoe, tied it, and followed him down. Spencer’s shoes were left by the back door, so he sat on one of the kitchen chairs, tying up his laces. He didn’t say anything, but Aaron feared for the laces.
They went out to say their good-nights. His father had already left to take Aaron’s grandparents’ home, but the neighbors were just bundling up sleeping children to cart them back across the street. Aaron’s mom handed him a slip of paper with the address, and he plugged it into his phone so the GPS could tell him where he was headed. All the while, Spencer never said a word.
It was only when they were safely in the car that Spencer commented on the text. It was not a jealous rant as Aaron had expected.
“I. Do. Not. Find. Deaf. Jokes. Funny.,” Spencer said, turning in his seat to face Aaron.
“I know. I don’t find prison rape jokes funny either, but people who don’t know what it’s like to be on the other side of things aren’t as sensitive to them. Jordan tells blond jokes because he’s blond. He’s just trying to make me laugh, to keep our friendship light.”
“So. He. Is. Laughing. At. Your. Deaf. Boyfriend… Great. Friend….”
“He doesn’t know I have a boyfriend.”
That was the wrong thing to say.
“Wait., So. You. Have. Been. Talking. To. This. Guy., Flirting. With. Him., And. The. Fact. That. You. Have. A. Boyfriend. Never. Came. Up.? Do. You. Still. Have. A. Boyfriend.?”
“Do I?” Aaron wondered aloud.
“I. Think. So….”
“Then yes, I do. I don’t even know if he’s gay, Spencer. There’s no reason to get upset about it.”
Spencer sat quietly, his eyes on the open window over Aaron’s shoulder. He didn’t say anything for several long minutes, and Aaron started to worry that maybe he’d come back and say that Aaron didn’t have a boyfriend, and maybe they should just call it quits. But he didn’t. Instead, he apologized.
“I. Am. Sorry… I. Am. Just… It. Has. Not. Been. An. Easy. Week. For. Us….”
“I know, but I’m coming home with you now.”
“Let’s. Get. Your. Brother. Home. So. We. Can. Go. Home.,” Spencer said, and his voice seemed to gain some strength. It wasn’t the brittle sound of dry, broken leaves. Aaron put on his seat belt, and they backed out of the driveway. His computer wife called out directions in her dulcet computer tones as they followed each carefully scripted turn to find a house with a party in full swing about ten minutes away.
The music blared out the front door as a couple of kids staggered out and made their way across the lawn. Aaron wondered if Anthony would even hear the damn text but sent it anyway, letting his brother know they were outside waiting. It took ten minutes, during which time Aaron seriously contemplated going in and finding his brother, but eventually, Anthony came wandering out. He looked around in confusion for a moment, missing the car completely before Aaron got out and waved him over. He walked slowly, li
ke something out of a late-night classic zombie movie, but climbed in and laid his head back against the seat.
Aaron turned to look at him, but his eyes were closed. He used a subtle sniff to see if he could detect alcohol in his younger brother, because if he had to guess, he thought maybe his brother was loaded. But he didn’t smell anything. Rather than driving home right away, he snuck his phone out of his pocket and sent a text to Spencer.
[Aaron] Does he look drunk to you?
[Spencer] Yeah, a little, but I don’t smell any booze. Drugs?
[Aaron] He’s fourteen, I seriously doubt it. I don’t smell pot, and they wouldn’t have anything harder, right?
[Spencer] I don’t see Anthony doing coke or heroin, no.
[Aaron] Weird, okay. Let’s get him home.
Aaron snuck glances at his brother all the way from the party, which seemed to still be in full swing, to their own house. He didn’t move. He didn’t speak. He didn’t even listen to his iPhone, which normally took up every bit of his focus. Anthony merely sat in the backseat, meek and quiet, like an alien had somehow abducted his little brother and left some kind of submissive pod in his place. Even when an ambulance passed them, Anthony didn’t stir. He simply lay with his head resting and his eyes closed. Aaron found himself hoping Anthony wouldn’t be sick all over the backseat before they got him home. He still wasn’t convinced that his kid brother wasn’t drunk off his ass.
Even if Anthony had gotten drunk at a party, it wasn’t like Aaron had never drunk away his pain, so he couldn’t really give him shit about it. Maybe he’d e-mail Allen to see what his brother thought about it since he’d made Anthony promise not to. Anthony made it up to the door and into the house under his own steam, so Aaron backed out of the drive and turned his thoughts to spending the night in his boyfriend’s arms, because he didn’t know how many more times he’d ever get to do that.
Eleven
“SO, IF he’s just a guy from a support group, why has he been texting you all day?” Spencer asked, the signs a little stilted from the folded pair of jeans wedged under his arm. Sadness flooded his chest as Aaron’s face flushed, and he wondered if it really only took three weeks to replace him. Every day, Spencer came home from work after longer and longer days and thought of Aaron as he fell into bed. Some nights, he could barely keep his eyes open while they chatted, his computer sitting on the dining room table while he ate. Eric said things would calm down once the project went into beta, but that wouldn’t be until around the beginning of November. He loved the work. Not only being a part of the team, but leading it. He missed video games, coding just for fun, and most of all he missed Aaron.
“I can barely get it up with you. You really think I am fucking someone else?” Aaron’s face didn’t look guilty then, his eyes hollow, empty tunnels in his pale face, hurting Spencer to see. He tossed the shirt he’d been folding on top of his bag and bridged the space between them in two large steps. Wrapping one hand around the back of Aaron’s neck, he pulled his boyfriend into a light kiss, and Aaron rested his head on Spencer’s shoulder.
“I. Love. You.,” Spencer whispered against his skin, and he pulled back.
“I miss you every day.”
“I miss you too,” he signed, and Aaron buried his face in Spencer’s shoulder again, as if he needed Spencer for warmth. “I. Miss. You. So. Much., Aaron.”
It took a long time for them to pull apart, and when they did, Aaron swiped at his face, but he couldn’t wipe away the color high in his cheeks. Spencer threw the plastic bag of dirty clothes into his duffel and tossed the whole thing on the floor near the door. Taking Aaron’s hand, he climbed up onto his bed and pulled Aaron with him. Aaron’s head rested on his chest as he threw one arm and one leg over Spencer, leaving no space between them. Spencer pressed his lips to Aaron’s forehead. No words were necessary.
He stayed longer than he’d intended, wrapped in Aaron’s arms. They’d already lost two days on the project because the office closed today for Labor Day, so he knew he couldn’t blow off work the next day to stay. His heart ached at the pain in Aaron’s face when he said it was time for him to leave. Aaron didn’t argue. He simply nodded, his eyes on the floor like he wanted to memorize the patterns in the carpet.
“Please., Aaron.,” he whispered, and though he couldn’t hear the tears in his voice, he could feel them. Aaron grabbed the duffel with one hand and Spencer’s hand with the other, and they went downstairs in silence.
“I am so glad you came home for the weekend,” his father said as they went into the rec room so Spencer could say good-bye. Aaron stood quietly next to the door holding Spencer’s duffel as if it were the Holy Grail, the answer to all life’s questions. His father hugged Spencer, holding him for a long minute, maybe even longer than necessary. No awkward guy back pat, just a father’s love.
“I. Miss. You. Too., Dad.,” Spencer told him quietly. It probably wasn’t cool for a twenty-one-year-old guy to miss his dad, but he did. For so long, it had been just them against the world, and while he knew his dad supported him, he felt like it was just him against the world now.
“Be careful going home, and I’ll see you in a couple weeks.”
“Maybe. I. Will. Get. To. Meet. Your. Mysterious. Girlfriend….”
It looked like his father wanted to say something, but Aaron stepped forward then and slid a hand into Spencer’s. Aaron’s hand trembled, and Spencer squeezed gently. So he nodded at his father and let Aaron lead him toward the front door. Leaving the first time had been so much easier. He’d packed up and left on a grand adventure, excited and ready to start life. Just a few short weeks later, it was harder to walk out of the door, to see the sadness in his father’s eyes and the pain in Aaron’s face.
Aaron had parked behind him, so he headed that way while Spencer put his duffel in the backseat. Leaving Aaron hurt even more than leaving his father. It cut a searing pain across his heart, but he needed to make a life for them if they were ever going to be together. He didn’t know if Aaron would be able to hold down a job, and he wanted to be able to provide for them. Aaron might not believe it, but Spencer wanted them to be forever.
“Are you going to be okay to drive home?”
“I am not a child, Spencer.”
“No, you are the guy with a horrible boyfriend who is leaving you.”
“You’re not horrible,” Aaron said, throwing his arms around Spencer.
He didn’t mind so much that Aaron hung on longer than, well, God, there was really no “necessary.” Aaron could hold on forever and it wouldn’t be long enough. He smelled like Spencer’s soap, and sunshine, and love. Spencer couldn’t stand to let go.
He slid his hand up to Aaron’s face, cupping it, unconsciously covering the scar as he tilted Aaron’s head and captured his lips in a slow, tender kiss. He poured every bit of love he could fit into it, desperate to give Aaron something to hold on to.
“Do. Not. Give. Up. On. Us.,” he whispered against Aaron’s cheek, tightening his arms as much as he dared. He didn’t know if Aaron said anything because he couldn’t see, but Aaron nodded against his shoulder, a silent acknowledgement that he wouldn’t let go, at least not yet. Spencer stayed buried in Aaron’s warmth, blocking out the rest of the world. After what seemed like no time at all, Aaron pulled away. He kissed Spencer one more time, letting his lips linger.
“Go, before I don’t have the strength to let you leave.”
“I. Will. Text. You. Later.,” Spencer said with a small kiss to Aaron’s forehead. Then he forced himself to turn around so he wouldn’t see if Aaron said anything else to make him want to stay. As he climbed into the car, he watched Aaron back out of the drive and then go in the direction of the main road. Spencer pulled out of the drive after him and followed. He waved as Aaron turned left at the light while he went right, and then Aaron was gone.
Spencer drove, mostly on autopilot, through the light Monday night traffic on the way back to his apartment. Worry niggled at him over the
texts from the mysterious “therapy buddy” guy Aaron had met. He couldn’t help but compare that to Spencer bringing Aaron home to talk to his father. Aaron and Spencer had gotten as close as they had because of therapy. What happened if he and this guy Jordan got close too? His heart wouldn’t allow him to believe that Aaron would leave him for another guy, but as Aaron progressed, he supposed anything would be possible. Aaron would be just as normal as the next guy.
Suburban landscape morphed slowly into urban sprawl and finally into dense buildings and car-lined streets. Traffic still hadn’t gotten bad, so it didn’t take him long to get into the parking garage and up to his apartment. Everything looked the same as he’d left it, but it felt cold and empty without Aaron. It felt stiff and confining without his dad. The paradise he thought he’d found was hollow without the people he cared most about.
Spencer got his stuff ready for work the next day and then crawled into bed, but sleep took a long time.
[CLARE] THE code has been compiled and synched with Team Foundation Server. We’re ready to start the first round of testing.
[Spencer] Thanks. Did you outline the testing parameters with Eric and Paul?
[Clare] Yep. We are good to go.
[Spencer] Awesome.
[Clare] We are heading over to Lou’s for lunch. Want to come? We can bring a notebook.
[Spencer] I really should stick around and make sure the test parameters will work.
[Clare] You know they will, and you need to eat. You look kind of pale.
[Spencer] I’m okay.
