by J P Barnaby
He steered clear of the playground.
The hedges of his parents’ house were almost overgrown. One more reason his father didn’t agree with Anthony moving to Detroit—he had to do his own yardwork. The grass seemed relatively tame, though, as Aaron stared out the windshield. Jordan’s words from last night came back to him with a bite of truth.
“So you feel you’re tainted. Like anyone near you is going to get wet from your storm cloud of angst? Look, I get not wanting kids, but it’s something you need to talk to Spencer about, not run from. If you want to keep this relationship, you need to stop running.”
Aaron got out of the car and dragged himself up the sidewalk. The neighborhood had a stillness to it, a quiet calm that helped him take another deep breath.
He didn’t knock when he got to the top of the porch. Instead he simply pulled out the key his parents had never wanted back and walked into the living room to raised voices nearby.
“He isn’t answering his phone. I need to know where he is, John. I—”
His mother turned at the sound of the door closing and nearly launched herself into his arms. He stiffened but then relaxed as the reflex passed. Her frame trembled, and he patted her back with an awkwardness that felt incredibly familiar.
“Mom, what?”
“We’ve been trying to get in touch with you, and you weren’t answering your phone. I…. It scared me.” She pulled back after a long moment, and he reached into his pocket. Sure enough, his phone had died sometime during his drunken evening at Jordan’s place.
“Dead.” He held up the phone, display blank.
She followed him into the kitchen with a look he could feel against his back. It took a few minutes, digging through one of the junk drawers near the island, but he found a charging cable. Thank God everyone in his family had an iPhone. His mother clenched her hands together on the table and he desperately wanted to get out of the room before she hit him with whatever news had upset her.
“Awon.”
A tiny voice and even tinier feet made their way into the kitchen, toddling toward him. His mother hadn’t moved, so without other options, Aaron picked up the toddler and balanced him on a hip.
“Hi, kiddo. Are you being good for Grandma?” Aaron asked.
“Grandma!” the little black-haired boy cried and held his tiny chubby hands out. Aaron’s father took little Tony instead, giving Aaron no buffer from the words dancing at the edge of his mother’s patience.
“Why have you been looking for me? Has something happened to Anthony or Allen?” He dropped down into a chair and braced himself for the news about what had befallen someone he cared about.
“No, honey. Henry called this morning to let us know that… well, that….”
“Wait.” Aaron held his hands up. The chair slammed to the floor as he stood in his haste to stop his mother from telling him whatever news she had about Spencer.
“Honey, it’s okay.”
“It’s not okay. Dr. Thomas would only call you about Spencer.” Aaron still called him Dr. Thomas, even though everyone else called him Henry.
“It’s Nell.”
“What?” Aaron stared at her, incomprehension clouding his hungover mind.
“Spencer and Henry are on their way to O’Hare. In fact—” She looked at her watch, then back up at him. “—they should be in the air by now. They’re on their way to California. Nell was in some kind of accident.”
“Nell died?” Aaron felt the cold shock seep into him. Nell had always been unfailingly kind to him. They were just talking to her the day before. The unreality of it made him dizzy. “What about the baby?”
“The doctors don’t know if Nell will make it, but she is still alive. The police have her little girl until Henry and Spencer can get there. Nell didn’t have any other relatives after Spencer’s mother died. Henry said their parents had died sometime before.”
“Oh my God. I just… I don’t believe it. We just skyped with her yesterday.” Of course Aaron had dealt with death. He’d watched Juliette die. His grandmother had died. But Nell…. His heart hurt for Spencer. He hoped with everything in him that Nell would pull through.
“I know, honey. It’s terrible. I didn’t get the whole story because they were rushing to get to the airport. It was some kind of car accident.”
“Was Sophie in the car?”
“Yes, but she was in her car seat and wasn’t hurt.”
“How is that possible? Nell was that badly injured, but the little girl wasn’t hurt?” He dropped into a chair and put his hands on the table to steady them.
“I don’t know, Aaron.”
“Jesus.”
“Awon… Awon….” The annoying little voice was back, with his stomping little feet and his obnoxious little grabby hands. They tugged at his jeans. They smacked at his leg when Aaron ignored him. A wail rose from his lips as he bounced up and down trying to get Aaron’s attention.
“Dad? Could you? We’re…. Nell is…. Please, I can’t deal with him right now.” Aaron picked up the toddler and handed him, none too gently, to his father. Tony’s wails grew in intensity until they could shatter glass. Every piercing sound grated against Aaron’s nerves, and he couldn’t stand it. It all felt like sandpaper against his skin. He needed to get out of the day-old clothes. He needed a shower. He needed to get away from the fucking kid.
“Mom, I slept in these clothes. I’m going to go upstairs and take a shower. Please let me know if Dr. Thomas calls?”
She nodded and took Tony from her husband, shushing him and making little cooing noises against his ear until he giggled. The tightness in her face lessened at the sound. Aaron wished the tightness all over his skin could go away that easily.
He took the stairs two at a time and got to his room, his old room, just in time to hide the tears on his face. The emotional teakettle in his brain whistled and bellowed, releasing the stream down his cheeks. It happened that way a lot now. When the pot in his mind overflowed, he cried to release the pressure in his head. Most of the time it worked, but today his worry and sorrow for Spencer kept the kettle at the tipping point. He hadn’t even been able to say good-bye to Spencer before he left. It was selfish for him to be upset about, he knew, because the blame fell on him. He’d been the one who got drunk and spent the night at Jordan’s place. Had he been a grown-up, he’d have been there.
But he hadn’t been.
The shower felt good against his skin. Nice and hot but not scalding anymore. His need for purification by fire had ended after the trial. He turned his face into the spray. Little had changed in this bathroom over the last seven years. The painting still hung over the sink, and the soaps still sat on the shelves. He kept things like bodywash here after he’d moved, but the shower remained mostly empty. Devoid of the boy who had grown up living with revulsion for his own body.
His parents’ house would always be his safe haven, the place where he would run to when things got too hard, and the place he would live when Spencer finally left him.
After his shower, he found a pair of briefs, sweats, and a threadbare T-shirt in one of the dresser drawers. It took him a minute to find them, because the rest of the drawers had been filled with baby clothes. The kid seemed to have taken over the whole goddamned house. His mom had started watching the kid while Allen and Melanie worked. Free daycare turned out to be one of the reasons they’d moved back from Indianapolis. Well, that and their mother’s constant insistence she have access to her only grandchild.
Allen and Melanie better pop out a few more of those, because it wasn’t like Aaron or Anthony would give her any.
The sound of a phone ringing brought him out of his thoughts, and he grabbed socks off the top of the dresser and ran for the door. A gut feeling told him it would be Dr. Thomas. His bare feet slapped against the stairs, and he stopped short in the doorway to see his mother holding the handset. She waved him in.
“Yes, Henry, he’s here. Just a minute,” his mother said and then h
eld the house phone out to Aaron.
“Dr. Thomas?” Aaron asked as soon as the phone made it to his ear. His heart pounded against his ribs. The anxiety had no real cause. It just lived like a second skin around him, just waiting for its chance to pounce.
“Hi, Aaron.” A deep weariness filled his voice. Even with just those two words, he sounded like a man on the edge of endurance.
“What happened? How is Spencer? How are you? How is Nell?” The words came out in a rapid fire of nerves and guilt.
“I’m okay. Spencer is tired but holding up. He’s sorry he didn’t get a chance to see you before he left—”
“Please tell him I’m sorry. And my phone died, so I’ll text him just as soon as it turns back on.”
“He said okay. As for Nell, it appears she had an aneurysm while driving home from the grocery store. Thankfully, she was going through a residential neighborhood and traveling slowly. She hit a tree and was found unconscious on the scene. They brought Sophie into the hospital and checked her out, but she wasn’t hurt.” Dr. Thomas’s voice grew more tired with each word.
“What’s going to happen to Sophie?”
“She’s with us for the time being, and we’ll find out more tomorrow about Nell’s condition. We meet with the neurologist in the morning.”
“Do you know when you guys will be back?” Aaron leaned his head against the wall holding him up.
“No, it depends on what’s happening with Nell. I’ll stay out here for a bit, but Spencer may have to go back for work depending on timing.”
Aaron felt like his head might spin right off his shoulders.
“Please, tell Spencer I love him.”
“I will, Aaron, and we’ll let you know what’s happening. How are you doing?”
“You’re asking me?” Aaron barked out a humorless laugh. “You’re the one in the middle of a crisis.”
“Answer the question, please.” The weariness filled his words to bursting.
“I’m okay. Anxious and upset but generally okay. I’ll stay here with my parents until Spencer gets back.”
“I think that’s a good idea. Listen, the hospital is calling, so I’ll text you later.”
“Okay.”
The line went dead before he could say anything else. He checked his cell phone and saw he hadn’t actually plugged the charger into the wall. Cursing himself, he fixed his mistake and saw the lightning icon. But he was done for right then, so he went upstairs to his room and tried to sleep.
After three hours of staring at the ceiling that he kind of missed sometimes, Aaron rolled to sit on the side of the bed and stayed there. He listened for the sounds of activity downstairs but heard nothing. Maybe Allen and Melanie had picked up the kid. He loved Tony, at least on a conceptual level. He was supposed to, right? Someone had listed that in the Uncle’s Handbook or something? Rather than the excitement and joy everyone else felt around the toddler, Aaron felt nothing but unease.
He wandered downstairs and grabbed his phone from the counter. One missed text from Spencer since he’d talked to Dr. Thomas.
Text me when you get this? Love you.
Well, at least Spencer wasn’t angry with him, or at least not angry enough to deny him an “I love you.” Aaron didn’t hesitate and responded with his love and a request for a status update. It didn’t take long to hear back.
[Spencer]: We stopped and grabbed a car seat, and now we’re at dinner. Talking to the doctor tomorrow.
[Aaron]: How’s Sophie coping?
[Spencer]: She’s a kid. She asks for her mama but then gets distracted with something else. Right now she’s munching on a grilled cheese.
[Aaron]: Wish I was. I’m starving.
[Spencer]: I refuse to believe your mother isn’t feeding you.
[Aaron]: I just got out of bed.
[Spencer]: Then go eat. We’re almost finished here, and we’re going to take this little girl home and put her to bed.
[Aaron]: Are you guys staying at Nell’s house?
[Spencer]: Yes. The hospital had her keys with the rest of her stuff. It’s better for Sophie.
[Aaron]: Routine. I definitely understand that.
[Spencer]: You doing okay?
[Aaron]: I’m a big boy.
[Spencer]: That isn’t what I asked. You’re deflecting.
[Aaron]: Yeah. I’m okay. Mr. Son of a Psychologist.
[Spencer]: I miss you.
Aaron’s throat clogged with tears he didn’t want to shed in his mother’s kitchen—useless tears didn’t help anything.
[Aaron]: I miss you too. And I’m sorry about our disagreement. I wish I hadn’t gone to Jordan’s.
[Spencer]: If this hadn’t happened, we’d have been over it by now. So let’s be over it. I’m not upset. You shouldn’t be either.
[Aaron]: Okay.
[Spencer]: Love you, talk soon.
[Aaron]: I love you too.
He sat alone at the table and scrolled back up through weeks’ worth of texts from Spencer. A week ago, he’d been shyly teasing Aaron about being naked and waiting when Spencer got home from work. Now they were half a country apart. He continued to read, laughing, sometimes trying even harder not to cry. Spencer’s love came through in every single bubble of conversation.
“How’s Spencer?” his mother asked, coming in from the living room. She’d pulled her hair, liberally streaked with the gray his life had caused, back off her face into a messy bun. Her worry lines had lessened with the stability of her sons, and laugh lines grew with the birth of her grandson.
“He’s fine. They’re at dinner.”
“Is Sophie with them?”
“Yeah. Spencer said she was eating grilled cheese. It sounded really good, so I thought I’d join her.” Aaron walked to the refrigerator, but his mother crossed the room and put a hand on his arm.
“I’ll get it,” she said with a slow smile.
“You want one too, and you don’t like how I make them.”
Her smile grew. “Soup?”
“Yeah, sure,” Aaron said with a laugh and went to sit at the table while she started their dinner.
“Aaron, there is something I wanted to talk with you about.” She began to butter a stack of bread slices. Her voice didn’t give any indication she was upset, but he had a feeling he may not like the conversation.
“Sure, Mom. What’s up?” He tried to keep his own voice casual as he grabbed a napkin from the holder.
“You were harsh with the baby earlier. It’s not his fault about Nell,” she admonished, and he ripped the first even strip from the napkin. Aaron looked up, but her back was to him as she worked at the little counter next to the stove.
When she put it that way, it made him feel like shit.
“I know. It’s just the noise and the hands and everything. When I’m stressed out and anxious, I just want to be left alone. Noise feels like sandpaper, and that kid is nothing but noise.” He ripped a few more strips from the napkin as he spoke.
“You know, you were just like that when you were his age.”
Since she’d stopped trying to reconnect him with his childhood self, she didn’t really talk much about what he was like as a kid. Maybe she didn’t like the reminder he wasn’t normal anymore, but this conversation piqued his interest. He didn’t remember most of his childhood. Plus it would stop her from lecturing him.
“Just like what?”
“You would talk to anyone. You’d have had a conversation with that chair, if it would talk back to you. In fact you had several long and garbled talks with the strange baby in the mirror.” She laughed then, dropping slices of cheese onto buttered bread, waiting for the griddle to heat.
“I can’t imagine that.”
“Yep. At that time, your father was still logging a lot of courtroom time. He’d walk around the living room with his legal pad, practicing some dialogue he had to do in front of the judge. You….” She laughed again, a whimsical kind of sound. “You would follow him around in you
r T-shirt and diaper with a paper plate, just babbling. God, I wish I’d gotten a picture.”
“I bet that was a sight.” He could see little Tony doing that, following his dad around, mimicking his every move. Aaron wondered if the kid did do that with Allen, maybe helping his dad put something together with play tools.
“We thought for sure you would grow up to be a lawyer.”
“I would have been.”
She nodded, flipping the sandwiches on the griddle. The assault hung heavy in the air, masking the scent of melting cheese with despair.
“Well, kids learn by an adult’s example is all I meant. So try to watch what you do around Tony, okay, honey?”
“Yeah, I’d hate to see what kind of crazy a kid would pick up from me.”
Chapter 5
THE NEUROLOGIST spared them the pain of a lingering decision and ripped the Band-Aid off with one strong pull.
“There is no blood flow to the brain. It’s being cut off by a mass of blood in the lower region. The brain has already started to die, and there is no hope of recovery. We need to take her off life support.”
The general physician nodded his agreement, solidifying their horror.
The doctors in the room held each other’s gazes, like a secret kind of fraternity.
“You. Are. Saying. That. You. Are. Giving. Up.? You. Will. Not. Try. To. Save. Her.?”
“Spencer, there is no blood flow to the brain. Even if they left her on life support. Nell is not there anymore,” his father signed. The neurologist watched them with wary interest.
“We. Can. Not. Just. Let. Her. Die., Dad..”
“There is nothing we can do. There is nothing the doctors can do.” His father reached over and put a hand on his. They weren’t much for physical affection, but it calmed Spencer a little. He stroked Sophie’s side as he held her in his lap. Oblivious to the fate of her mother or to Spencer’s distress, she played quietly with a set of blocks on the table. One, two, three, four, and then down again.
