by J P Barnaby
“That makes my life easier, when you don’t argue.”
After a while, his mother stopped talking, but Aaron continued to sign.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because I knew you would not take the news well, and I wanted to be here and tell you in person. I did not expect you to be at the airport,” Spencer said, and then a small smile played across his face. “I am really proud of you.”
“You sounded pissed off not proud.”
“I am sorry, baby. It has been a long couple of weeks.” Spencer reached forward and took Aaron’s hand in his. Aaron turned around in his seat, letting his arm stay back to hold Spencer’s hand. That made it better. At least, a little better.
What the fuck was he going to do with a kid?
The ride from the airport stayed quiet as Sophie slept on. It seemed she’d worn herself out screaming on the flight. Aaron glanced back at the backseat and saw Spencer watching Sophie as she slept. He had a hand on her tiny leg and a soft, pained expression on his beautiful face. Aaron didn’t interrupt but slumped lower in his seat, trying to stave off the panic in his chest. He had no idea what would happen next. Would Sophie come to live with them? They had a one-bedroom apartment. Where would they put her? Who would watch her while they went to work? Why wasn’t Dr. Thomas the one with custody? That made more sense. He was the adult.
Aaron stayed trapped in his thoughts all the way back to his parents’ house. It took a while to get Sophie, her stuff, Spencer’s stuff, and themselves out of the car. By then the little girl had started to wake from all the jostling. She looked around with wide eyes at all the strangers, and then her gaze landed, and stayed, on Spencer.
“Come. On., Sweetheart.,” Spencer said, hiking her up farther on his chest. “I. Think. They. Have. Toys. Here..”
She didn’t smile as Aaron had expected but simply burrowed in closer to Spencer.
“It. Has. Been. A. Rough. Couple. Of. Days.,” Spencer said as he followed Aaron’s mother up the walk.
She turned to look at him so he could see her lips. “I know it has. It looks like Allen is still here. I know he’d love to see you.”
They climbed the porch in single file, Aaron bringing up the rear, totally at a loss as to what to do next except follow people around. He did step forward to hold the door open for Spencer to carry in Sophie and then lumbered their suitcase through behind them. Spencer had a backpack over his shoulder that Aaron hadn’t noticed before. It wasn’t his normal bag, and it took a minute for the Fisher Price logo to register. It was a diaper bag.
“Hey, Spencer,” Allen said, his voice at a normal tone. It had taken him a while to figure out talking louder wouldn’t help Spencer hear him, but finally it had sunk in.
“Hi., Allen.. Sophie., Can. You. Say. Hello. To. Allen.?” Spencer asked gently and pointed to Allen. Her eyes widened and she buried her face in his shoulder and popped a thumb into her mouth.
Melanie came in behind them carrying Tony, and for the first time, Sophie became animated. She looked between Tony and Spencer, and then again, and pulled back from her hold against Spencer’s chest. She pointed, her tiny little fist opening up, reaching.
“Baby,” she said. “Baby, Spenna.”
“Yes., Sophie.. His. Name. Is. Tony..”
Tony wiggled out of his mother’s arms and toddled over to stare up at Sophie. He didn’t say anything but simply watched them stand above him.
“Do. You. Want. To. Play. With. Tony.?” Spencer asked. Sophie looked from him to the toddler at Spencer’s feet and then back again. When he bent to let her down, she allowed it. Tony led her to a mountain of toys and showed her his truck. Pretty soon they were the best of friends, babbling and playing in their own little world.
Spencer fell into a heap on the couch, and everyone else took seats around him.
“How is she?” Melanie asked, as Allen asked, “How are you?”
Since he saw Melanie’s question but not Allen’s, he answered that first.
“She. Does. Not. Understand.. All. She. Knows. Is. That. Mama. Has. Gone. Away., And. She. Is. Going. To. Stay. With. Spenna..”
“So you have custody?” Allen asked, moving in closer so it would be easier for Spencer to read his lips.
“Yes.”
“What happens now?” Aaron’s mother chimed in. That was the question Aaron wanted to know the answer to as well.
“She. Will. Live. With. Us..” Spencer tilted his head to indicated Aaron. “I. Will. Adopt. Her. When. Things. Settle. Down.. For. Right. Now., Work. Is. Going. To. Let. Me. Take. Three. Weeks’. Paternity. Leave. To. Get. Her. Acclimated..”
“Who is going to watch her while you’re at work?” she asked.
“Aaron. Will. Be. At. Work. And. At. School.. I. Was. Going. To. Ask. You. If. You. Could. Watch. Her. With. Tony.. What. Ever. Allen. Pays., We. Would. Too..” His face looked hopeful but withdrawn, like he couldn’t stand anything else today.
“No,” she started, and his face fell. “I don’t charge to watch my grandson, and I won’t charge to watch my granddaughter either.”
“Granddaughter?” Aaron asked in a strangled voice.
“You know what I mean.”
“Thank. You., That. Makes. Things. A. Lot. Easier..” Spencer looked up to where Sophie played quietly with Tony. “For. Me. And. For. Her.. She. Needs. Stability. And. Would. Not. Get. That. At. Daycare..”
Sophie looked up then and caught Spencer’s eye. Aaron could see her smile warmed him, cheered him, until she chirped in her tiny voice the one question he couldn’t answer.
“Spenna? Where Mama?”
“I DO not know what to think,” Aaron signed. “You hit me with this out of left field.”
They stood side by side in Aaron’s old room, where the old twin bed had been replaced with a queen for visitors—usually Anthony and Bren but tonight, Aaron and Spencer.
“You think I wanted this to happen? For Nell to die so I’d have a baby I have no idea how to care for?” Spencer signed and then jerked his shirt over his head. He threw it somewhere in the vicinity of his suitcase but missed.
“Of course I don’t think you wanted it to happen, but… I don’t know, Spencer. I just don’t know.”
“Aaron, she’s a defenseless three-year-old girl, all alone in the world. What was I supposed to do?”
“Why didn’t she leave Sophie to your father? Isn’t he better able to take care of her?” Aaron immediately saw the anger in Spencer’s face.
“I can take care of her, Aaron. I’m twenty-five years old.”
“I didn’t mean that. I just meant—”
“My father is a recovering alcoholic. Would you leave a child in his care?” Spencer took off his jeans and threw them even farther away from the suitcase than his shirt. He stepped into his sleep pants, and Aaron didn’t seem to register that he was mostly naked. It didn’t matter at that moment.
“I see your point,” Aaron conceded.
“I get it. You didn’t want kids, but we have one now. I can’t take care of you both, Aaron. I love you. I love you more than anything. But she is my responsibility. You need to step up here, baby.” Spencer folded his arms over his chest, watching Aaron, who felt the tears welling in his eyes. It was the first time in their relationship Spencer ever said he’d been taking care of Aaron as if he were a child. It didn’t matter how true, the statement still stung.
“You want me to leave?”
“Of course I don’t want you to leave. I want you to be a parent to that little girl with me. I want her to be able to count on both of us. But she needs to be able to count on you. I need to be able to count on you.” Spencer cupped Aaron’s face in his hands. “I. Know. You. Can. Do. This., Even. If. You. Are. Scared..”
“You don’t know what I can and can’t do.”
“I know it better than you do. You did not think you could go to school. You did not think you could have sex. You did not think you could move in with me. You did not think you
could do any of those things until you did. Just….” Spencer’s hands hung in midair for several seconds, frustration plain on his face. “Do not make me choose between you, Aaron. She’s a little girl. Please, be the man I know you can be.”
“The normal one?”
Aaron turned without another word, walked into the bathroom, and closed the door behind him. The bedroom door opened, and Spencer left the room, probably to check on Sophie. Aaron traced the geometric lines of the painting above the sink, finding solace in their familiarity.
Everything would change. They were just learning how to be partners, and now they’d have to be parents. They’d have to move.
Aaron couldn’t think about it right then. He turned on the water and started to brush his teeth, slowly, methodically, with controlled, practiced movements. He finished after several minutes, just in time to jump as something banged into the wall.
He opened the bathroom door to see Spencer carrying in the half-folded play yard. Aaron’s father followed him up with a thick blanket and a thinner throw.
“She’ll be able to crawl out of this,” his father warned Spencer. “We’ll get something set up for her here, but for right now, this will work.”
“Thank. You..” Spencer set up the yard right next to the side of the bed closest to the door. There wasn’t any room to put it between the bed and the wall, so that’s the side where Aaron would sleep. He hated being trapped against the wall. And worse, Spencer knew that.
Spencer lined the bottom of the play yard with the thick blanket and tossed the lighter one on top, to wait for its little inhabitant. His mother brought her in then, face washed, pajamas on. Sophie rubbed her eyes and watched Spencer pull back the light blanket.
“Spenna?” She held out her arms, and Spencer took her from Aaron’s mother, hugged her, and kissed her on the cheek.
“We. Are. Going. To. My. House. Tomorrow.. Tonight. We. Made. You. A. Fort.. It. Is. Cool..” He put her into the makeshift bed and handed her the doll that had hardly left her side since she arrived. “I. Will. Be. Right. There..” Spencer pointed to the big bed.
She snuggled down into the blankets.
“She’s exhausted,” his mother commented as Sophie’s eyes fluttered closed, opened, and then closed again. She popped her right thumb into her mouth and held on to the doll for dear life.
Spencer nodded and sat on the side of the bed.
“You are doing the right thing, Spencer. She needs a stable home with people who love her to help her heal. We’ll help you. We will all help you.” Aaron’s mother put a hand on Spencer’s shoulder, glanced at Aaron, and then wished them a good night.
Spencer’s eyes fell on Sophie again, and then he lay down next to Aaron and closed them with a long, tired sigh. Aaron’s heart soared when Spencer rolled toward him and wrapped a gentle arm around his waist.
“I. Love. You.,” he whispered just before he drifted off to sleep.
Chapter 7
AARON AWOKE to a gut-wrenching cry. Confused and frightened, he sat straight up in bed, feeling Spencer’s comforting weight next to him. He scanned the moonlit room and saw Sophie standing inside the play yard. She kept putting a leg up on the side, trying to get out. Her cries hurt something deep inside him. He remembered those cries. Scared, anguished things that used to live in the darkest places of his mind.
Aaron shook Spencer, who moaned and rolled over toward him. Aaron tried again, and finally Spencer opened his eyes. He smiled at Aaron.
“Sophie is crying,” Aaron signed quickly, and all traces of sleep left Spencer’s face. He sat up and turned toward the little girl, whose arms went up as she begged for comfort. Spencer scooped her up and she clung to his thin T-shirt.
“Mama, Spenna. Mama,” she cried against his shirt. It tore at Aaron.
“Shhhhh,” Spencer soothed, and Aaron realized Spencer couldn’t see Sophie’s face.
“She is looking for her mama,” Aaron signed, and Spencer put his head back, tears falling for the first time since they’d picked him up at the airport.
Aaron just didn’t have the words.
A small knock sounded at the door and a moment later his mother peeked her head in.
“Everything okay?”
“Sophie woke up looking for her mom. Spencer has her,” Aaron whispered, not wanting to startle Sophie.
His mother turned the knob on the wall, slowly bringing the lights up to a level where they could see each other.
“Let’s bring her downstairs and give her a little juice. Rock her in the recliner and see if maybe she’ll go back to sleep. She may not since she had a good nap earlier.” She stood off to the side to allow Spencer to go first.
Only Spencer didn’t move. He just stood in the middle of the room, crying, holding Sophie against his chest.
“Spencer?” his mother asked.
“I. Do. Not. Know. How. To. Do. This..” He broke then, the weary stress breaking over him so physically, Aaron could watch it cascade across his shoulders. “I. Cannot. Hear. Her. Crying..”
“Honey, when I had Aaron, I didn’t know how to do it either. You learn. And we’ll figure it out. Deaf people have children, sweetheart. It will be okay.” Her eyes focused over Spencer’s shoulder and onto Aaron. They held the same frustration that Spencer’s did. The words “man up” were there, just below the surface. It made him angry.
Really. Fucking. Angry.
No one got a lot of sleep that night. Aaron dragged himself into the kitchen to make coffee for them while his mother prattled on about how to care for a little girl. Spencer had said Dr. Thomas hadn’t been all that comfortable changing Sophie while they were in California. By the look on Spencer’s face, he wasn’t either.
“It. Feels. Wrong. Somehow.,” Spencer said, holding the wipe above Sophie, who tried to grab it so she could eat it. Everything seemed to go into that kid’s mouth.
“I had three boys, Spencer. Was it wrong for me to clean their penises?” Aaron never wanted to hear his mother say the word “penises” again. “You’re going to have to get over the squeamishness. Fathers take care of their daughters all the time. You’re not molesting her. You’re cleaning her and keeping her healthy.”
“I. Just.—”
“Wipe.”
And he did.
And then she peed again, and Spencer looked at the ceiling for patience.
His mother tried not to laugh, but she failed, miserably. Spencer couldn’t see it because his eyes were on Sophie as he put another diaper under her.
She glanced at Aaron. “You want a try?”
Aaron backed up, putting up his hands. There were a million things he didn’t want to do at that moment, and dealing with a naked girl ranked right up there at the top. His mother frowned, disappointment clear, but he didn’t care. It was uncomfortable enough for him to be in the room.
Spencer pulled the adhesive tabs forward and stuck them to the front of the diaper. When he stood Sophie up on the couch, it didn’t fall off. That seemed to be progress. He set Sophie on the floor and went into the kitchen to throw away their mess.
“If. I. Am. In. The. Kitchen. And. She. Falls. And. Hurts. Herself., How. Will. I. Know.?” Spencer asked, looking hopelessly at Aaron’s mother.
“I guess you’ll have to keep a closer eye on her than most, but Aaron will be there a lot of the time. He’ll hear her.”
“Will you?” Spencer signed to Aaron, a harsh question delivered in sharp gestures.
Aaron didn’t say anything. He simply went over to the stash of toys near the fireplace, sat in the floor, and grabbed the box of blocks.
“He’ll come around,” he heard his mother tell Spencer, like he’d left the room entirely. He wished he knew that were true.
AROUND MIDDAY they left Sophie with Aaron’s mother and headed out to pick up some things they’d need for her new home. The list included a bed they had no space for, a dresser they had even less space for, an assortment of baby paraphernalia like diapers, and a baby
bath his mother had suggested. She would need toys and books and special plates. It was overwhelming. Thankfully Dr. Thomas had shipped the clothes Spencer couldn’t fit into her suitcase, so they wouldn’t need new ones for a bit, until Sophie outgrew the ones she had. Jesus, they’d have to buy clothes for this kid constantly. They’d have to feed her even on the nights they ate popcorn and pudding cups for dinner. They’d have to bathe her and get her to sleep.
It was worse than having a fucking dog. At least they could crate that.
The Target near them didn’t have a bed Spencer liked. The one with the giant Elmo head freaked them both out, and they were out of stock on the flowery princess bed. So they moved on to another store, and another. Aaron stood between the cart and the shelves at Babies “R” Us, trying to stay out of the way of pregnant women waddling past. They thought the little gay boys shopping for baby stuff were just so cute and tried to ask Spencer a million questions. To their annoyance, he wasn’t looking at them, and Aaron didn’t give a fuck. Eventually they wandered off, muttering about rude queens.
Six hours and hundreds of dollars later, they’d packed the back of Aaron’s Civic with boxes and bags. When there wasn’t room, they took it out of the boxes and bags. They had to lay the back seats down in order to get the bed in, but eventually it fit. All of it fit. He could feel the cargo shifting in the hold as they drove, pushing against the back of his seat, against his spine. Bending him to its will.
It took almost an hour for Aaron to help Spencer haul it up to their third-floor apartment. The building didn’t have an elevator, so they manhandled it up two flights of stairs. They stumbled and crashed into the wall. At one point Aaron nearly let it bounce back down a flight as it slipped from his grasp.
Eventually the stack of baby stuff, far larger than the child herself, dominated the windowed wall of their small apartment. It felt dark and cramped in a way Aaron had not felt in years. It bothered him. Spencer, however, gleefully started to unpack and organize the mountain. They tamed it one stack at a time, one bag at a time, one box at a time. Aaron got tired just watching him and went into the bedroom to sleep. It felt better than witnessing the invasion of his world.
