by J P Barnaby
“No, she’s fine. How are you getting along with her?” Dr. Thomas asked. “It took longer in San Diego than I expected. I wanted to be back here to help you more, but I’m sure Michelle is ecstatic to have another little one to play with.”
“She is,” Aaron said, looking over at his mother with a roll of his eyes.
“We are doing okay. It is hard, but we are managing.” Spencer shrugged as he looked over at Sophie.
“Is there anything I can do to help?” Spencer’s father asked, but Spencer shook his head.
“Not unless you can make me hear. That is the worst part. I cannot hear if she is into something or if she cries. Sometimes I cannot read her lips.”
“Being a parent is a challenge for anyone, but I can see how it would pose a special challenge for you.”
“Aaron helps.” Spencer mustered a smile at Aaron, and he gave a halfhearted one back.
“What are your plans from here?” Dr. Thomas asked and sat back against the cushions.
“I’m going to adopt her once we get through this crap with Nell’s ex. Other than that, we are figuring out how to take care of her. Michelle has helped a lot.”
“You are not planning to move?”
“Yes, we are going to have to at some point. She needs her own room.”
“Her stuff needs its own apartment,” Aaron muttered.
“You know you have several hundred thousand dollars in life insurance just sitting there. Have you thought about buying a house? I don’t know anything about legal custody, but it might strengthen your case for Sophie to have her own room and a stable environment.” Dr. Thomas watched the little girl in question trace the path of the large orange fish across the glass with her fingers. Absolutely fascinated, she hadn’t moved an inch.
“A house?” Aaron asked, startled. “You think he should buy a house?”
“He thinks we should buy a house,” Spencer corrected.
“What do we know about buying a house? What do we know about owning a house?” The panic drove Aaron’s voice higher, shriller, with each word. “Next you’ll be saying that we should get married and add one of those little white picket fences. Maybe get a dog or something.”
Spencer looked at his father and then at Aaron’s father.
“Getting married would strengthen our custody, wouldn’t it? Sophie would have two parents instead of one. Aaron could do a second-parent adoption like gay couples generally do.” Spencer signed rapidly, excited. This time Dr. Thomas translated for Aaron’s father because Aaron hadn’t moved.
“Maybe, especially if Aaron had documented interaction with Sophie before Nell’s death, but again, I know nothing about family law,” Aaron’s father said. At that, Aaron jumped to his feet.
“What the hell are we talking about here? Buying a house isn’t a reason to get married! If he marries me then he’s stuck. He’s trapped with me and my insanity. Mingling a house and custody on top of that just makes it worse. If he walks, it will take years to unravel that web. And the adoption. I’ll have adopted a kid that I may never be able to—” His rant was cut off quickly by a hand over his mouth.
“Aaron.. Breathe., Just. Breathe., Baby.. We. Are. Not. Saying. That. We. Have. To. Do. Any. Of. It.. But. I. Do. Not. Have. Any. Doubts. About. Marrying. You.. I. Love. You..” Spencer stood in front of Aaron, holding both of his hands. “Just. Breathe..”
Tears welled in Aaron’s eyes. He took a huge lungful of air and then another and then another. Wetness streaked down his cheeks as that teakettle in his brain boiled over again.
“I can’t take care of her, Spencer. I can’t even take care of myself.”
“Baby., We. All. Cry.. It. Does. Not. Mean. You. Can. Not. Take. Care. Of. Yourself.. You. Take. Care. Of. Me..” Spencer wiped the tears from the right side of Aaron’s face. His fingers brushed Aaron’s scar, and Aaron closed his eyes. “We. Take. Care. Of. Each. Other.. That. Is. What. People. Who. Love. Each. Other. Do.. They. Take. Care. Of. Each. Other..”
Chapter 10
AARON DID make a pretty good argument about one fundamental thing—Spencer had no idea how to buy a house. He didn’t know anything about maintenance or upkeep. It took a lot of online research and talks with his dad to even grasp the idea of insurance and taxes. But he pushed through it. Spencer loved the idea of owning a house with Aaron, of having Sophie with them, of being a family. He wanted to build her a tree house in the backyard. He wanted to get a pool. He wanted her to have a dog. Even just in the short amount of time she’d been his, he wanted her to have the world.
It took a while and lots of searching to find a few options for a home. In the end Aaron found it. He’d been looking online for places in Aurora and ran across a beautiful four-bedroom, three-bath home on a quiet little street. The ad boasted a distinct lack of neighbors behind the house, which appealed to Aaron. The less he had to deal with people in his safe place, the happier he’d be. In the end Spencer made the appointment via e-mail to see the house the following weekend. He didn’t want to make it so soon, to give Aaron the chance to come to terms with the idea, but he also didn’t want to lose the house.
On the way home from work, Spencer stopped by his father’s place. If anyone could predict how Aaron would react to touring the house, it was his dad. He found him in the front yard edging the sidewalk. The freshly cut grass smelled like summer, and Spencer wanted to take his shoes and socks off for the sheer joy of feeling it on his toes.
“Don’t. You. Hire. People. For. That.?” Spencer asked when his father turned off the edger and pulled the goggles from his eyes.
“I did,” he signed. “But with an empty house, it gives me something to do.”
“I can always drop Sophie off for an afternoon if you get bored.”
“You can always drop her off anyway. Michelle does not get to have all the fun.” His father propped the edger against the side of the house and gave him that fatherly look, the one that said he’d been caught.
“Well, would you like her this Saturday? I made an appointment for Aaron and me to take a look at a house.” Spencer put a hand to the back of his neck, feeling like a teenager again, seeking his father’s approval.
“I could watch Sophie, or if you want, I could go with you.”
“I would rather have you go with us,” Spencer signed quickly, relief palpable in his stomach. He was supposed to be an adult and didn’t want to ask his father to accompany them. They should be able to make the decision themselves, but a $250,000 house meant a lot of commitment and a lot of money lost if they made the wrong decision. What if they bought a house with termites eating through the floor or lead paint on the walls? He wanted the benefit of his father’s experience. He wanted an adult.
“I can do that. We could take Sophie on the tour, but it might be more productive if Allen or Michelle watched her.”
“It is her house too. Maybe Michelle could come with us,” Spencer hedged.
“I think she’d like that.”
They all ended up piled into Michelle’s Sonata, his dad in the front and Spencer, Aaron, and Sophie in the back, to hunt for their very first house.
“I think what your dad said about looking at a few different houses is smart,” Aaron signed to him as Sophie watched the neighborhood pass by. She didn’t have much to see, just a dog walker and a couple of guys in cargo shorts cutting a lawn. Aaron would like the quiet. He’d said that sometimes in their apartment, you could hear everything from the neighbors loudly deciding where their last five bucks should go, to the angry clash of car horns on the street below. The noise batted against his ears and made the depression worse.
Quiet would be nice.
“Your destination is on the left,” Aaron signed with a weird smirk.
Michelle turned into a driveway at the end of a cul-de-sac. A big Ford SUV sat in front of them, just waiting, it seemed. When Michelle and Aaron opened their doors, the door opened on the truck. A portly woman in a freshly ironed pantsuit climbed out. Spencer didn’t see their excha
nge as he got out and unbuckled Sophie. Let them talk. He needed a minute.
A house. They were going to buy a fucking house.
Movement caught his eye and he watched his dad sign.
“This is Spencer.” His father pointed in his direction and he waved, much like the sick wave of nausea now rolling around his insides. “His partner, Aaron, and their daughter, Sophie.”
“Hello Spencer, Aaron, and Sophie,” the woman said as Aaron took over translation. “My name is Gretta, and you have picked a wonderful home to raise your daughter in.”
And the sales pitch had begun.
It was easy to tune the woman out, looking away from Aaron’s signs as he held Sophie to his chest. She didn’t have any interest in getting down, not yet. She stared around with the same wide-eyed wonder that he did.
A moment later Aaron rubbed his arm.
“You are not paying attention to my amazing signing show. You okay?”
“Too much,” Spencer replied and met Aaron’s gaze.
“I get that. I will let you know if she says something important. So far, not too much.” Aaron smiled and kissed him on the cheek. “This is what you want. Just breathe, Spencer.”
That was a switch. Usually it was him telling Aaron to breathe. That gave him a little wind for his sails. At that same moment, Sophie caught sight of the grand fireplace in the living room and immediately wanted down. He let her go and motioned to Michelle to keep her at bay. Pulling on his big-boy pants, he went over and watched the woman’s well-rehearsed rundown of the house through Aaron’s hands.
“It is a relatively new house, built within the last ten years. I love that fireplace in the living room, and I think your little girl does too,” Aaron signed and then added, “I wonder if she has ever even been in this house before. She is like a house-selling robot.”
Spencer smothered his laugh with a cough, and they moved on to the upstairs.
“And here in the master bedroom, there are gorgeous floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking the backyard,” Aaron signed and then smirked. “Look at those curtains, man, I’m surprised you can’t hear how loud they are—but the guy who lived here last must have been… visually impaired.”
That time Spencer couldn’t help it. He laughed because the curtains were actually hideous. Even with his complete lack of decorating taste, they offended him with blinding shades in paisley. They clashed so spectacularly with the bedding on the huge hunting-lodge-style bed it had to be intentional. Either that or Grizzly Adams decorated it—he couldn’t decide.
“Despite someone’s horrifying taste, I do like the house,” Aaron pointed out. “The backyard is huge, and we could fence it in.”
Spencer wondered if he was thinking more about security than having a play space for Sophie, but he didn’t say anything. Aaron had finally moved to the right side of the house-buying decision. He’d take what he could get.
“I like that it has a spare bedroom for your brothers and another room we could use as an office,” Spencer said.
“Yeah, having that tiny student desk crammed into the bedroom is a pain. I’d love to have a big desk and big windows,” Aaron mused and Spencer smiled. It was the first time Aaron had expressed any kind of wish list for their home.
“I like that too. Dad said we should look at a few more, but you want to keep this one on the list?”
“The short list,” Aaron said with a nod.
“Short list it is.”
They found Sophie playing in the backyard with a stick she’d picked up from under an oak. Michelle watched her from the brick patio. Spencer found that he could see Sophie growing up in this house. He could see himself watching her go off to her first day of school from the porch, maybe with Aaron walking her. He could see her friends having sleepovers in the finished basement, doing whatever girls do, in front of the television. He could see her prom date coming up the walk, frightened of Spencer’s hard expression.
Yes, he could see Sophie growing up here. More than that, he could see him and Aaron growing up right alongside her.
Chapter 11
A WEEK later Spencer drove them to his father’s house. Aaron didn’t have any idea why they were going there or what had Spencer’s hands shaking on the wheel. After they dropped off Sophie with a cheerful wave to Dr. Thomas, he knew Spencer was up to something.
They turned on the long road behind the subdivision where Spencer grew up. Aaron knew this road. They’d taken it many times but always during winter. He couldn’t sign questions to Spencer because Spencer was driving, so he waited, taking in the scenery. The place looked different without snow and ice, warm and peaceful—almost inviting. Little rivers of yellow flowers passed tributaries of blue and pink along to the rest of the field. Around the pond where they’d skated dozens of times, long grass grew in clumps, untamed and free. His heart lifted at the wildness of the place. No expectations. No fear. No responsibility.
Spencer parked on the gravel lot and gave him a nervous smile before climbing out of the car. Curious, Aaron followed. They shuffled to the back of the car, where Spencer opened the trunk to pull out a picnic basket and blanket. Aaron glanced around. There weren’t any people here, but he still felt exposed in his T-shirt and jeans. He thought they’d only been going to Dr. Thomas’s house, not on a midafternoon picnic.
With the blanket under his arm and the basket in the same hand, he reached for Aaron, and hand in hand they walked around the lake. With his hands occupied, he couldn’t ask Spencer what they were doing here, but it didn’t matter. Spencer didn’t have to have a reason for doing something. Maybe he just wanted to get away from the stress and spend an afternoon alone. Aaron was certainly onboard with that.
On the other side of the lake, they made their way near the water’s edge, and Spencer spread out the blanket, dropping the basket lightly on one corner. He didn’t move right away, just stood there looking at the basket. A little concerned, Aaron took off his shoes and plopped down with his legs folded in front of him, like they always sat on the couch to talk. Spencer glanced down and then, after a moment, lowered himself into the same position facing Aaron.
“What is it?” Aaron asked quickly, his fingers flying over the words.
Spencer brought up his hands, took in a deep breath, and began to sign.
“I never thought I would find someone who would look past my deafness. You looked right past it like you never even saw it. All you saw was me. I never thought I would find someone who would love me, but you never hesitated. I never thought I could have everything I have in my life right now, and it is all because of you.”
Spencer’s slow, methodical movements punctuated every sign with emotion.
“I am scared too.”
Aaron shook his head, confused. “Then, what….”
Spencer reached forward and took both of Aaron’s hands into his. He kept his gaze on the blanket for what seemed like an eternity, and then those hazel eyes met his, and they sparkled like emeralds in sand.
“Aaron. Downing.. Will. You. Marry. Me.?”
The words came slow and steady, but sure. Aaron heard no doubt in them, no hesitation. Spencer really did want to marry him, had always wanted to marry him. Sophie may have shortened up the timeline, but it would have happened eventually. But should Aaron tie Spencer to a life of his insanity? He thought about it for a long time. Long enough for Spencer’s hands to start shaking.
“You are going to be with me forever. I can see it in your face and your hands and your heart. You will not leave, no matter what any piece of paper says.”
Spencer smiled, a truly wondrous smile that was brighter than the sun. Aaron could tell Spencer knew what his next word would be. He smiled back.
“Yes.”
Spencer tackled him.
He didn’t pin Aaron down in any meaningful way. He simply laid him on the blanket and stroked his face with delicate fingers. Those fingers they used to have so many important conversations.
“I. Thought. You
. Would. Say. No..”
“Six months ago I might have. But you didn’t choose Sophie over me. You didn’t walk away when you had the chance. We are going to make this work together.”
“I. Love. You. So. Damn. Much., Aaron..”
“Good thing, Mr. Thomas, because you’re stuck with me now.”
They spent the afternoon lying in the grass, talking about the future they’d talked about a hundred times—but the tone felt different to Aaron. For the first time since they stood at the airport, three feet apart with a tiny little blonde-haired bundle between them, Aaron heard hope in the slow cadence of Spencer’s voice.
“DID YOU and Spencer look at any other houses last weekend?” his mother asked as she looked around in the refrigerator, Sophie tugging at her pants.
“We looked at two, but we’re still pretty settled on that one with no neighbors. The other one we looked at last weekend was too small. It only had two bedrooms, and we really want an office, so there needs to be at least three. A guest room wouldn’t go amiss.” Aaron piled another block onto the stack where he sat at the kitchen table.
“A guest room, huh? When did you become an adult and all?” Michelle tossed a smile over her shoulder.
“When my kid brother moved to Detroit.”
“You miss him, don’t you?”
“I do. I remember when he used to stand up for me when I was trying to figure things out. He and Allen always tried to buffer me from Grandma and Grandpa. Or they’d throw their opinions out there when I needed them. I hate what my shit did to Anthony.”
“I know. I hate what my shit did to him too, and that I never even saw it.” His mother closed the refrigerator, her face darkened with emotion.
“He turned into a great guy, though. I’m glad he found Bren and Patrick. They did more for him in a couple of years than we did in his entire life.”
“They are good boys,” she admitted, but it looked like her thoughts lay elsewhere.
“So I have two pieces of news,” he said, trying to steer the conversation away from the emotional quagmire down that path.
