by Tie Ning
“Fei.”
“Yes, Fei,” he said, no longer looking at the framed picture. He commented on how modern and pretty the office equipment looked and then left. Tiao followed him into the hallway and then took her chance to say, “Governor Yu, Fei is my friend. I need to talk about her with you.”
Yu Dasheng seemed alarmed and asked, “Talk to me?”
Tiao said, “Yes, you’re her old leader anyway.”
Yu Dasheng hesitated again, another small hesitation, and said, “Okay.”
He made an appointment with her.
He sat behind his huge office desk and looked at her, and she sat in the soft guest chair looking at him. He was probably about sixty years old, his hair had turned grey, but his back was still straight. She liked men and women who didn’t dye their hair, feeling they always looked younger than those who had fake black hair. A few minutes ago, on her way to the provincial government’s office building, she suddenly had an urge to turn back, like the time she was to meet Mike at the Austin airport. She had these urges when a decision had been made but not put into action yet. Suddenly she doubted that the meeting made any sense. Did she want to force him to admit that he was Fei’s father? That was too ridiculous. How could she take Fei’s sickbed ravings seriously? She was still thinking about turning back after she entered the lift of the governor’s office building. She stared at the second button of the shirt of a male employee, who entered the lift at the same time as she did. She was thinking that if this fellow got off before she did, then she would leave with him and not see Yu Dasheng; if he got off after her, then she had no choice but to see Yu Dasheng. As it turned out, he pressed the button for seven and she needed to go to level three, so she got off at the third floor.
There was an awkward silence between them at first, then Tiao glanced at the brown paper bag by her feet and remembered she had brought books for the governor. She took out a set of Children’s English, finely printed with a fragrant smell, and said, “This is a series of fun English-learning books that our publishing house brought out in cooperation with a Canadian publisher. Governor, maybe your grandchildren will like them—you must have a grandson or granddaughter, right?”
The atmosphere was softened—words like “grandson” and “granddaughter” could ease all kinds of tension. Yu Dasheng said, “I have a granddaughter. I’ll give this set of books to her.”
Tiao said, “When Fei and I were little, we were not lucky enough to have so many pretty books. Back then there were a few old back issues of Soviet Woman in our house, which Fei and I read over and over again. We read all the fashion articles, recipes, and stories in them.”
Yu Dasheng became attentive. He said, “Oh? How old were you?”
Tiao said, “I was thirteen, and Fei was sixteen. We also passed around some Soviet spy stories to read then, such as Red Safe, Amber Necklace—”
Yu Dasheng interrupted Tiao. “These stories were around even when I was young.”
Tiao said, “Oh, then you’ll recognize this story if I tell you the details. It’s about a man and a woman who live in the same courtyard but are never seen talking to each other. They appear to be strangers even though they have been neighbours for many years. The ending is something quite unusual. The police solve a spy case, and the spy is the man in the courtyard. And his assistant is the woman who lives next door but apparently has never talked to him. How did they manage to work together? It turns out the woman’s wardrobe against the wall is a secret door to her male neighbour. Every night, as long as she gets into the wardrobe she can go to the male spy’s place. Do you remember this detail, Governor Yu? Both Fei and I got really frightened. It was exciting and scary at the same time. Ever since I read those stories, I got suspicious even about our wardrobe, always thinking there was a secret door in it. I was afraid to leave these sorts of books by my pillow at night. I had to toss them far away because I was so afraid the spies in the book would jump out and choke me to death. One day, Fei borrowed my Red Safe. Next day she told me that she had thrown my book away. She said it was too dark when she was on her way home. She mumbled to herself as she was walking. The book in her backpack seemed like a spy who was trailing her, and the leaves underneath crunched as she went along. Finally she couldn’t take it anymore. So she took out the book, threw it into the darkness, and then started to run. After that she asked me, ‘Hey, Tiao, do you have other books like it? Lend me another.’ You see how we were back then, scared but still wanting to read—the more scared we were, the more we wanted to read. Later we read much less. After Fei became a worker, she probably didn’t read those kinds of books anymore.”
“Has your friendship lasted to this day?”
“You can say that. We all admired her when we were little. She was a beauty. She had been a beauty since she was little. Don’t you think so?”
Yu Dasheng made no comment about this. Tiao started to relax and decided to lead the conversation to Tang Jingjing. She said, “Fei was a beauty because her mother, Teacher Tang, was also very beautiful.”
Yu Dasheng took a careful look at Tiao. His body, which had been leaning back in his leather swivel chair, almost imperceptibly leaned forward. He said, “Her mother, Tang Jingjing, do you also know her?”
Tiao said, “I was still living in Beijing when I was in the first grade. Teacher Tang was a maths teacher for the higher grades. I saw her stand on a stage being denounced by people, with a sign hanging in front of her chest. The sign read ‘I’m … I’m …’”
“I’m what?”
“The sign read ‘I’m a female hooligan.’ They asked her to lower her head and she refused, so they made her eat shit and she did.”
“You meant she ate … ate shit?”
“Yes, she ate it, because if she hadn’t they would have brought her daughter, Fei, to the stage to be put on display. I knew only after I grew up that Fei was her illegitimate daughter. Fei is a child without a father.”
Yu Dasheng held his interlocked hands in front of his chest. Tiao looked at his hands and tried to judge with as little emotion as possible: the pair of hands did look like Fei’s. Maybe it was just a coincidence. But because she had a strong desire to probe Yu Dasheng, she would rather everything was true. She stared at that pair of hands that seemed to be suffering and said, “Later, Teacher Tang died.”
“Yes, she died in a very miserable way.”
“Did you know her?”
Yu Dasheng said, “No, I didn’t know her—Teacher Tang. I had left Beijing by that time.”
Tiao said, “You mean if you hadn’t left Beijing, you might have known Teacher Tang?”
Yu Dasheng said, “No, maybe I misspoke, because one Beijinger doesn’t necessarily know another Beijinger.”
Tiao said, “I agree. For instance, a Beijinger like you and a Beijinger like me have been living in Fuan for so many years, but haven’t we only just got to know each other?”
Yu Dasheng laughed quietly.
“But Fei didn’t think so. She believed that in the ocean of people, the ones that are meant to meet will meet eventually, such as family members, or a father, for example. For a while, she was convinced that her father lived right in Beijing—”
Yu Dasheng glanced at his watch and interrupted Tiao. “I’m afraid I can’t give you too much time—I have a meeting that I need to attend. Your friend Fei was indeed the worker in my old factory. Not too long ago, maybe last year, she came to me with a university admission issue concerning her relative’s child, and the problem was solved. Is there anything else that she wants you to ask me to do for her? Or is there anything I can do for you?”
Tiao stood up from the chair and said, “No. Both Fei and I don’t need you to do anything for us. Especially Fei. She won’t be coming to see you anymore.”
“Why?” Yu Dasheng asked. He also arose from his leather chair, ready to see his guest out.
Tiao said, “Because she has passed away.”
Yu Dasheng sat back in his chair and signa
lled Tiao also to sit down. After a short silence, he said, “I didn’t know. This is very unfortunate—I mean, it was unfortunate for her. What was the illness—it must have been an illness?”
“Liver cancer.”
Tiao said, “I was with her when she was dying. I’m her family. Family, do you understand? She was a wounded beauty with hundreds of scars. And she told me that only her mouth was clean; her mouth had never been touched by a man. Many times she told me about the feelings she had for her father in her heart, saying she didn’t hate him at all. I assume she probably saved her lips for her father; she must have longed to kiss him with a mouth as innocent as a baby’s, grateful that he’d given her life. No one can maintain such discipline without turning discipline into faith. Fei had faith in her heart. Don’t you want to know what that was? It was her love and her quest for her father. Are you crying, Governor Yu? Can you tell me why? Just for a female worker’s death? Are you crying just for a female worker’s death?”
Yu Dasheng vaguely nodded his head and said, “I think you should leave now.”
“Don’t you have anything to say to me? I’m Fei’s friend.”
He said, “I know you’re Fei’s friend and your name is Tiao, the vice director of the Children’s Publishing House. You can come to me if there is anything that I can do for you for the publishing house. After all, Fei used to work in my factory. Let’s stay in touch.”
His tone calmed suddenly as he was saying this, and his body, which was leaning against the back of the chair, straightened up. There were no traces of tears on his face at all. Maybe Tiao was mistaken in what she had thought she’d seen. She still couldn’t make him out. This man, if he didn’t have enormous self-control or excellent acting skills, then he must be … what must he be? Unless he really was not Fei’s father.
She came out of the provincial government office certain that it was impossible for her to manage a conversation with a man like him, not to mention that he had already defined their relationship. She remembered the words he’d said that made her feel awkward: “After all, Fei used to work in my factory.”
That was all.
She felt pangs of dull pain in her heart.
Just then the pager in her purse went off. Wu was beeping her.
5
Wu lived a retired life now, a complete idler. As she’d got older, her dizziness had actually disappeared little by little. She no longer felt dizzy, since she didn’t have to use it to avoid the revolution in Reed River Farm. Maybe some degree of avoidance persisted in her life, though; she hid from her husband. There was some helplessness in her avoidance; it wasn’t that she was compelled to avoid him, but Yixun expressed his disgust for her more and more bluntly than ever.
He couldn’t bear to sit across from her during their meals together, nor could he tolerate the sound of her chewing. And the loud sounds she made when brushing her teeth and rinsing her mouth in the morning, along with her constant coughing, all tormented him. He hadn’t remembered her like this when she was young, or maybe she had been this way, only he didn’t notice. When you were young, you were young. He had worked in an army song-and-dance troupe before he went to college. He simply despised those comrades of his who thought they were funny. For instance, Comrade Zhang purposely said “beer water” instead of “beer”: “Let’s drink beer water, let’s drink beer water!” Comrade Li said “neat” instead of “meat” on purpose: “The canteen will serve neat today. Serve neat!” Everyone laughed except for Yixun, who thought it was vulgar. Another example was that when the soldiers wrote letters, they liked to use sentences like this: “One day apart seems three autumns …” Many felt it was touching, but Yixun thought this sort of exaggerated rhetoric made people squirm. One comrade of his liked to collect famous quotes and epigrams in a notebook he titled Bits of Gold and Jade. Everyone thought the name was wonderfully witty, but Yixun felt it was tacky. He never said what was on his mind, but always believed his taste better than his comrades’. However, he tried to ignore Wu’s habits in the bathroom. He would rather pretend that she didn’t have these habits, which emerged in middle age, a result of self-abuse and neurosis. She had a lot more time to spend with Yixun at home, so those habits of hers crashed into him like massive waves.
They quarrelled. He accused her of purposely making those hair-raising rasping noises while brushing her teeth, of watching TV until two a.m. and in the process managing to eat an entire grilled chicken, of using scalding water to make tea for a guest but not warming the rice porridge hot enough before serving him—also of sleeping late, of serving dirty cucumbers … She listened to his accusations, sometimes saying nothing and sometimes protesting mildly. When she answered back, he accused her of trying to make sense out of nonsense; when she kept quiet, he would say she was using silence to express her hatred.
In fact, Wu never hated Yixun. She had grown quiet because she knew her crime against Yixun was unpardonable, that it disqualified her from any forgiveness. She began to enjoy going out more; only when Yixun saw her less could she escape his accusations. It was actually Youyou’s mother who first gave her the idea. One day she wore her wig to market when she was buying food and ran into Wu, who was also shopping there. Youyou’s mother asked, “What do you think of my wig?”
“Not bad at all. It looks real,” Wu said.
Youyou’s mother said, “People who didn’t know me thought it was real. But I also embarrassed myself twice. Once, our senior fashion show team had an open-air performance at the square of the Workers’ Cultural Centre. All of a sudden a big wind rose up and blew off my wig. The audience roared with laughter. You could see how embarrassed I was! From then on, whenever I encounter a windy day, I always remember to keep my hand on my head.”
Soon Youyou’s mother brought Wu to join the senior fashion performing team. Wu didn’t covet the wig Youyou’s mother wore, because Wu had taken good care of her real hair. Wearing different fashions and giving public performances made Wu more conscious of her own appearance. She’d always been embarrassed by her nose, which she felt was not high and straight enough. The urge to have plastic surgery, starting with a nose job, took hold of her. Her youth had been spent during a time when women were encouraged to love guns more than makeup. So hadn’t she the right to make herself prettier nowadays? She went home and discussed it with Tiao, who immediately expressed her disapproval. Tiao’s opposition made Wu unhappy, but the troubled expression on Tiao’s face only strengthened her desire. She took the position that “I’m responsible for my own face” and “I make the important decisions about my own life.” Wu went to the hospital and had her surgery.
She was very satisfied with the surgery that the doctor performed. When she viewed the elevated bridge of her nose and how the distance between her eyes seemed less because of it, she experienced the thrill of the brand-new, despite the slight discomfort. She didn’t expect it to cause Yixun to sleep in a separate room from then on, and Tiao not only to refuse to go shopping with her but even to visit home much less often. Month after month, Tiao made the excuse that her job at the Publishing House kept her too busy and she had to stay at her own place. Even when she did come home, she tried to avoid looking at Wu’s face, and also refused to let Wu look at hers. Even when Wu stood at the far end of the living room, even when Tiao closed her eyes, she could still feel Wu’s gaze on her face. This made her very angry; she would lose her temper all of a sudden and say, “Mum, why do you always stare at me? Would you not stare at me like that?”
Wu said, “You don’t come home very often. What’s wrong with me looking at you? Don’t you know what I’m most concerned about is you?”
“What you’re most concerned about is that face of yours.”
“Tiao, how can you talk to me like that? How?”
“How do you want me to talk to you? If you want me to respect you, you have to respect yourself first.”
“How have I not respected myself? Having nose-correction surgery is my own business. I didn�
�t interfere with other people or force anyone else to do it with me. What does this have to do with self-respect?”
“But you force your family to look at your face, to accept a stranger with a strange face. Before, your face was real and natural, and it was at least my mother’s face. I’m sorry, I can’t accept your current face; at the very least I have to have some time to get used to it.”
After saying that, Tiao left home without eating.
Now she went back because Wu had beeped her. Knowing her status in her daughter’s heart, Wu seldom beeped her. But she had today, which made Tiao wonder whether something unusual had happened at home.
As soon as she entered the house, she noticed Wu sitting on the sofa with a pair of sunglasses on. The melodrama of wearing sunglasses in her own living room, ominous and silly—Tiao couldn’t describe the complicated feeling she had, but her instinct told her that Wu’s sunglasses had nothing to do with any illness but with her plastic surgery. She sat down across from Wu, quickly scanning her face and the sunglasses, which looked steady on the bridge of her nose because of the surgery. Tiao wondered whether this time perhaps she’d fixed her eyes. She got straight to the point. “Mum, is there some kind of emergency you need to talk to me about?”
“Yes, it’s an emergency. It’s about you and Chen Zai.”
“What is it about Chen Zai and me?”
“I heard from Youyou’s mum that Chen Zai was making a big scene about divorce, over you.”
“Me?”
“Yes, over you.”
“Yes, he’s trying to get a divorce, but he didn’t make a scene out of it. As far as I know, his wife, Wan Meicheng, didn’t make one, either. They’re discussing it. Can you not use the phrase ‘make a scene’? It’s so vulgar.”
“It’s not whether they make a scene or not. What’s important is that he’s doing this because of you, right?”
