by Tie Ning
Wu was enraged. She shook the child’s mother’s hand from her sleeve and said, “You’ve gone too far. Why are you insulting me?”
“Who’s insulted you? Who?” the child’s mother said.
“Both of you, together. Should I be insulted this way just because I’m old?”
Blond-Hair-and-Purple-Lips said, “Yes, I insulted you. So what? Shameless old bitch …”
It was at that moment that Tiao pushed her way through the crowd and saw Wu. Her mother was standing alone in front of the counter, her unrecognizable face full of agony and helplessness. She looked weak and ashamed before the two vigorous young women, at a loss to defend herself, not just in the current moment, but forever. She stood lonely in front of the cool perfection of the Dior counter, a laughing stock. Her back was visibly stooped, and her right shoulder was slightly higher than her left one, which made her seem even more pathetic. This woman was Tiao’s mother. Tiao had never encountered her mother in such a situation or in such a condition, and it evoked a care and protectiveness in her heart that she had never felt before. No, she had never cared for or protected her mum; her relationship with her mother was full of demands, resentments, distance, and indifference. Her condemnation of Wu’s betrayal of the family had run through her entire life, and it was what argued loudest for Tiao’s neglect of Wu. Wu accepted her indifference; they had a tacit understanding. It took those two arrogant young women in front of the Dior counter to awaken the maternal feeling in the depth of Tiao’s heart. She was certain it was a maternal feeling; a daughter had to acquire the feelings of a mother in order to treat her mother with kindness and care.
So when Tiao showed up while the two women were shouting insults at Wu, she stepped between Wu and the women and confronted them without the least hesitation. “Now, I apologize for my mother to your child, but I find your behaviour a little shocking. You swear and shout insults right in front of the child like this, which will teach your child how to treat you in the future.”
With that, Tiao took Wu’s arm and said loudly, “Mum, let’s go.”
Wu stumbled along beside her. They left the mall and got into a taxi. As soon as Wu was in the car she couldn’t help bursting into tears, like a child who had been bullied in the street and was finally taken home. Ah, your parents are your children. A heart must be big for that.
Wu said in tears, “Tiao, if you hadn’t come, I really wouldn’t have known what to do. I was really … I was really …” She kept blowing her nose with handful after handful of tissues. Ever since she had had the bridge of her nose raised, her nose ran, so she had to blow it constantly.
They got home and Wu said to Tiao before they went in, “Don’t mention what happened today to your dad.”
Fortunately, Yixun was not home, which immediately calmed Wu. She walked into the bedroom and lay down. Tiao took her a cup of water.
She lay in bed and closed her eyes for a while, and propped herself up to drink half a cup of water. She then lay back and said, “Tiao, come over and sit beside me.”
Tiao got a chair and sat next to Wu’s bed.
“I know none of you likes to see how I look now. I think maybe my plastic surgeries were a mistake, a complete mistake.”
“Mum, you stay quiet for a while. After a while you’ll feel better.”
“Why do you think I had plastic surgery? To make myself look prettier? I wasn’t sure in the beginning, myself. I was bored with my life. Later, I participated in the seniors’ fashion show, and I think that got me into the plastic surgeries at first, and I convinced myself that this was the most important reason. But then I found it wasn’t true. The real reason was for your dad, to please your dad. You know your dad doesn’t like me, and for many years I didn’t like myself, either. I fantasized that by changing my appearance entirely I could destroy the old me. By destroying the old me I would destroy my old memories. Most of the old memories were unpleasant. Your dad wasn’t happy. You know.”
“No, I don’t know.”
“You know.”
“No, I don’t.”
Wu insisted, “You do know, no matter what you say. I wanted to please him, but that was another mistake. I don’t know why there was always something that went wrong with my life. The old me has disappeared, but who is the person with this new face? Your dad can go without talking to me or looking at me for days on end, and I don’t blame him. Only, he would never believe that I changed my face to destroy the past, to make him happy now.”
Tiao looked at Wu’s distorted, miserable face and believed what she said. She wanted to understand this strange and selfless wish, although all of it made her angry. Chen Zai’s ex-wife came into her mind at this moment, and she remembered what Wan Meicheng had said about how she wanted to change herself into Tiao. They wanted to please their loved ones, but in an absurd way, and they were painfully misguided.
Chapter 10
The Garden in the Depths of the Heart
1
Autumn had arrived, and their wedding date was approaching, but Tiao often lost her temper with Chen Zai for no reason. Once, when he turned around, she discovered that the hair on the back of his head seemed thinner than it had been; he was balding prematurely. It wasn’t as though she hadn’t seen the back of his head before, but why hadn’t she realized that he was losing his hair? She mentioned this to him, and he said, “I’ve been this way for ten years, Tiao. Have you really never noticed?”
Tiao went quiet. If she hadn’t noticed that the back of his head had been like this ten years ago, then it simply proved she didn’t know him well enough. This made her nervous and unsure. And when she was nervous and unsure, she became capricious. She stayed up late and got up late, and Chen Zai had to try to wake her, calling her a lazy girl again and again. Then she would lift off the quilt, sit up, and say, “I know you think I’m lazy. I know it.”
“I don’t mind your being lazy, but if I didn’t call you ‘lazy girl,’ you wouldn’t get up at all.”
“Do you really not mind my being lazy?”
“I really don’t mind.”
“Then you have to say it in my ear.”
So he said it in her ear.
Still unsatisfied, she said, “You have to say you love me.”
“I love you.”
“Am I the one you love most?”
“Yes, you’re the one I love most.”
She fell back, throwing herself onto the bed. This quick and careless gesture of hers Chen Zai found very exciting. The curtains were not opened yet, which tempted them into other activities. So he got onto the bed, held her tightly, and buried his head into her warm bosom.
As the evening came, she kept making demands on him, loosing a stream of obscenities, and also asking him to beat her. He didn’t know why she would act like this, or why she was shivering as if with fever, frantic as if it were the last day of life on earth, and tender as if they were going to part forever … He didn’t dare think about it any further. They were going to have a good life together, and nothing could stop him from loving her. During the night, late on this night with its bright autumn moon and light breeze, they drew the curtain open and let the moonlight flow over their big bed, and they made love in that moonlight, which melted Tiao’s wildness into a soft coupling with Chen Zai; her gleaming body undulated in the moonlight like satin billowing in a light breeze. They were so naturally attuned to each other, what could it be, if not love? In his arms, she sank into a sleep so deep it seemed as if she would never wake up again.
For a while he gazed at Tiao in her sound sleep, then got off the bed quietly and went to the living room. He hesitated briefly in front of the telephone and picked up the receiver and began to dial. He was calling Wan Meicheng; he’d heard that she was going to Gabon. He didn’t notice that Tiao in the bedroom had woken up and come to the living room in pyjamas. She heard Chen Zai’s conversation at the door. When he put down the receiver she turned on the light.
He looked at her standing at th
e doorway with some surprise. She returned to the bedroom and got his pyjamas for him to put on. Then they sat down. “I heard your phone call.”
“I’m sure you’ll understand. She, their family, are southerners who like to sleep with their windows open at night. It used to be my job to close the windows. Now it’s autumn and the wind is chilly. I was afraid she wouldn’t remember.”
“Chen Zai, you don’t have to explain. You haven’t done anything wrong.”
He stood up and said, “Let’s go back to sleep.”
“No. Listen, I have a few more things to say.”
He reached out and took hold of her feet and said, “Your feet are very cold.”
“I don’t care.”
So he lifted her feet and placed them on his chest.
“Chen Zai, you know when a person is planning to make an important decision he or she might feel frustrated for quite a while, as I have. I just figured out why I’ve been losing my temper at you and have been so unhappy with myself lately. It was because I wanted to make a decision but kept hesitating. Now I want to tell you, you should … you should …”
She couldn’t go on; she was crying. Although she had made up her mind, it was still so difficult to let it out.
He said, “Tell me what you mean. What should I do?”
She calmed herself a bit and continued, “You should go back to Wan Meicheng.”
“Tiao, don’t treat our life like a children’s game.”
“If I treated our life as a children’s game, I wouldn’t be in such pain. Don’t you know that? I wouldn’t suffer so much. You think I want this to happen? Do you think I like doing this?”
“Is this because of a telephone call? A phone call isn’t love. You know it isn’t.”
She said, “I know it’s not love, but it’s concern, something deeper than love. Ten years of marriage produces such concern. Because you understand this kind of concern I have to leave you; because you understand this kind of concern I respect you more. Chen Zai, I love you, but you should leave. You must leave.”
“Tiao, listen to me. There are things you still don’t know—”
She interrupted him and said, “I know. Wan Meicheng and I met a few times.”
“You and she met? You two?”
“Yes, we met. So it’s not because of the phone call you made today; it’s because I was moved by her. She made me sad; she had the power to make me feel sad. I have to give you back to her. You might think you did something to hurt me, but you’ve done nothing wrong. You’re a real man because you kept your promise of marrying me. In an era that despises promises, you preserve the old-fashioned innocence of a promise. But that’s not how life is. Life demands that we be separate. Chen Zai, I want you to believe me, the further away I’ll be from you, the more I’ll love you …”
The next day, Tiao called Wan Meicheng as soon as she got into the office. She told Wan Meicheng that she didn’t have to go to Gabon anymore. Chen Zai had something urgent to say to her. She also told Wan Meicheng that she was not going to marry Chen Zai, and that Wan Meicheng could remarry him at any time.
To avoid Chen Zai, Tiao moved back to her parents’ home for a while. She lived with Yixun and Wu again, in the midst of their quarrels.
One morning, when Wu heated up the milk, it began to spill over the sides of the pot. She immediately moved the pot off the stove and told Yixun that the milk was ready.
Yixun said the milk was not ready and she needed to heat it up again.
“The milk was already boiling over. How could it not be ready?”
“The milk has to boil in the pot. It has to really boil, like boiling water.”
Wu said, “It already overflowed. How can it not have boiled?”
Yixun said with loathing, “Of course it didn’t. It’s very likely that some part of the milk is still cold.”
Wu said, “So what? Pasteurized milk can be drunk cold.”
Yixun said, “Are you trying to say it was a good thing to have the milk overflow because it can be drunk cold? I find it extremely strange that you can’t admit to even a small mistake. Besides, it’s not like I haven’t found straw in this so-called ‘high-temperature pasteurized’ milk. You do know what straw is?”
Wu mumbled, “That was because you happened to drink the milk while you had your reading glasses on.”
Yixun raised his voice and said, “Right, right. It’s precisely because I had my reading glasses on that I saw the straw in my milk, which only proves I don’t know how much straw I’ve swallowed when I’m not wearing them. What are you trying to say by pointing out that I drank the milk with my reading glasses on? What’s the connection between my wearing reading glasses to drink and your lifelong ignorance of how to heat milk or to tell when water boils?”
Wu said, “I have not been making the milk overflow my whole life. Exaggerating other people’s shortcomings is your favourite hobby.”
Yixun suddenly laughed triumphantly. “Okay, okay, at last you admit that you have shortcomings. With your own words you yourself prove that I haven’t been making things up out of nothing. And as far as exaggeration is concerned, it’s your speciality.”
Wu said, “I have never exaggerated your shortcomings, it’s you who love to do that to me. Take, for example, time. I’m not very smart, so it does take me longer to get things done, but it’s nothing like what you claim. Every time I wash vegetables, you watch me so closely and then say you don’t understand why it takes me fifteen minutes to wash a tomato, but it doesn’t take me fifteen minutes.”
Yixun appealed to Tiao. “Listen to her, listen to her. Now you know who’s exaggerating. Your mum said I watched her ‘every time’ she washed vegetables. ‘Every time,’ would that be possible? As if I had nothing better to do! I’d prefer to look at something more beautiful if I had that kind of time.”
“I understand what you mean. So go and find someone more beautiful,” Wu said.
“If I want to, I will. I don’t need you to tell me. Your disrespect for yourself alone would make me want to.”
“How do I disrespect myself? Tell me, how do I disrespect myself?”
“You don’t respect your own face … Do you want me to continue?”
Wu rushed toward Yixun; frustrated, she seemed about to push him, but turned instead to the embarrassing pot of milk, raised it to her mouth, and drank up the milk. The pronounced gulping irritated Yixun to the point that he had to shut his eyes. When he opened them, Wu had disappeared. She’d locked herself in her bedroom.
Tiao and Yixun were left sitting at the dinner table, face to face.
He said to Tiao, “Why didn’t you say anything? How did you get so above it all?”
“It’s not that I’m above it all. It’s how extreme you are.”
“Are you still holding a grudge against me for criticizing Chen Zai? Then you’re being unfair.”
“No, I’m not holding a grudge. I understand you.”
“Then why didn’t you speak up for me?”
Tiao went quiet. Yixun’s fault-finding made his own flaws obvious to Tiao, but she didn’t want to be the referee between her parents. She loved them, loved this man and woman who had been fighting all their lives. Today she loved them more than ever. Life owed them something and she owed them, too, and now she finally realized it. She realized strongly how they needed to be loved. From now on, she wouldn’t demand that they understand her; she wanted to have a heart big enough to understand them.
The more they failed to understand her, the more she would attempt to understand them.
She received several phone calls from Chen Zai. On hearing his voice, she couldn’t help the tears welling up in her eyes. He asked to talk to her again; he said he must. He asked her whether they could talk. He said that he had to talk to her.
So she went back to her own apartment, the place where she’d lived with Chen Zai, where they had made love. In the living room, she sat waiting for him, and he took her in his arms as soon as he
walked in. Meekly, she snuggled into him, resting her head in the nest of his shoulder, which fit her perfectly. He bound her tightly with his strong arms as if he wanted to crush her. He kissed her crazily, saying, “Let me look at you. Let me look at you.” But he couldn’t care less about looking at her, because he had to kiss her. He kissed her and said repeatedly, “My little sweet one, I can’t leave you, I really can’t leave you!” He sucked her tongue, and his strength forced her head back as if she were going to fall into an abyss. Then he suddenly grabbed her around the waist and lifted her head. Gasping, she said, “Come to me, come to me.”
They made love again, to their hearts’ content, more indulgently, more wildly, more sincerely than ever.
She held him and said, “Bite me. Bite me. I want you to leave your teeth marks on my body.”
He held her and said, “Bite me. Bite me. I want you to leave your teeth marks on my body.”
He bit her until there were bruises all over her. He reached out his large hand over her face and gently touched her eyebrows, nose, and lips. He said, “Tiao, Tiao. How can I not see you? You tell me, how can I not see you …?”
They dozed for a while and then woke up at almost the same time.
He pulled her into his arms and she buried her face in his chest. He said, “I think you’re too selfish, Tiao.”
“Yes, I am.”
“You don’t care about others’ suffering at all.”
“Yes, you’re right.”
“You’re also very cold and cruel. I can’t move you even with my lifelong love.”
