“Thanks for showing up, dude,” DeShawn said, miming looking at an imaginary watch.
“Ah, screw you,” Josh replied, grabbing the upstairs supplies bucket.
“Drake okay?”
“Yeah, a couple of stitches. Gonna be sore tomorrow.”
It felt good to be back on the job. It was simple work yet the quality the Cleaning Crew was famous for took focus and concentration on the smallest details. It was almost a form of meditation. He didn’t realize how much he missed it. He and DeShawn worked together well. They should. DeShawn was the second guy Sadie had hired, the first he’d trained. They fell back into that routine easily.
“How’re you doing?” he asked over lunch. The grandmother who had raised DeShawn had passed away that summer. “With your family?”
DeShawn let out a long sigh. “It’s a mess, man. I just had to step away. My mom showed back up, still drinking. She wanted to sell Mama G’s house. Drink the money. After that, all the other relatives started wanting a piece.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Nothing to be done about it. I said my goodbyes. Made my peace. Left them to fight it out. Mama G saved my life. Put me on the right track. I don’t need anything else from her.”
“Family is weird.”
DeShawn laughed. “That’s the truth, man. Look at us. I’m running away from my messed-up family. You want to find your family.”
“Do you think there are families out there that are just normal? Happy?”
“I hope so. I’d like to be part of one someday.”
“You going to do that? Find a woman? Get married? Kids, mortgage, the whole thing?”
DeShawn shrugged. “Yeah, man. I hope so.”
Josh sat back. DeShawn had had a rough go of it. Both his parents were alcoholics. His grandmother took him out of their home and raised him. But there had been skirmishes along the way. The parents often used the threat of taking DeShawn back to get money for alcohol.
“How, man, how do you know you can do it?”
DeShawn’s dark eyes met his. “I don’t. I just know what I don’t want it to be like. I’ll just do the opposite of what my parents did.”
Josh focused on finishing his burger. Just do the opposite. Like it was that easy. But he’d tried that once. Once was enough to prove he couldn’t ever do it again. That moment when he’d lost control, when Ruby just wouldn’t stop and he was trying to leave, trying to get away from her. Walk away when you get angry, he’d told himself. Just walk away. But he’d tried and she’d grabbed his arm and was trying to pull him back. And something in him snapped. He’d put his fist through the drywall two inches from her face.
And that wasn’t even the worst of it. The worst was as the look in her eyes changed from fury to fear, he’d liked it. It had made him feel powerful. The rage had burned away his pain and it had felt good. Until she sank down to the floor, crying. That was when it hit him. He was his father. He was the monster now. And the revulsion and shame he felt was overwhelming. Never would he put himself in that position again. Nor any woman. He thought about Ian. And never a child.
“You ready, man?”
DeShawn’s words cut through the memories. He threw his half-eaten hamburger on the tray. “Yeah. Let’s go.”
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
IT HAD TAKEN Mickie only half the morning to get all the Cleaning Crew work done. Now she was just manning the phones. She studied her note cards between phone calls as she waited for Josh to come back. She’d hoped to have this conversation first thing this morning, but Drake’s accident had put that on hold.
Finally, just after two, Josh and DeShawn showed up. “Hey, guys,” she called out.
Josh smiled as they walked in the kitchen. “You study an awful lot for someone who isn’t even in school yet.”
“I want to get ahead. There is so much to learn.”
“Isn’t that why you go to class? To be taught?”
DeShawn grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge. “Leave her alone, Josh. I was the same way.” He leaned against the counter and glugged half the bottle. “I was terrified I was going to fail right up to the moment they handed me my diploma.”
Mickie pointed at DeShawn. “Yes! That! That right there is what I’m talking about. I can’t fail. I can’t. Ian’s future depends on it.”
Josh held his hands up in surrender. “Okay. I give. Mad respect to both of you for doing what I never even considered possible for me.”
“Anything is possible, Josh,” Mickie said. “You just have to want it bad enough. Sometimes you have to take a step or two. Sometimes you have to scale a damn wall.”
DeShawn snorted out a laugh. “Sometimes you scale a damn wall that’s booby-trapped with explosives after swimming a polluted moat filled with alligators.” He crossed the floor and fist-bumped Mickie. “I’m outta here. Got a date with some free weights tonight.”
“Yeah, let me know if you finally reach your lifetime goal of benching over twenty pounds,” Josh said, earning himself a one-finger salute from DeShawn.
Mickie smiled at the banter. She was an only child. Working here was like having big brothers. “Josh,” she said as the front door closed. “I wanted to talk to you.”
He turned from the fridge, where he was getting his own bottle of water. He didn’t quite blush, but his complexion darkened just a little. “About the last week? Mickie, I’m sorry about that.”
She felt her own face go hot. Unfortunately, she didn’t have the complexion to hide it and was sure she was glowing like Rudolph’s nose. “No. Not that.” She looked down at her study cards. Now the conversation she’d had with Tee replayed in her mind and her face went hotter.
Josh pulled out the chair across from her and sat down. “Sorry. What did you need to talk about?”
She took a breath, shook her head to clear it. “How much longer do you need me to work here for you?”
The water bottle froze halfway to his mouth and he lowered it slowly back to the table. “You thinking about quitting?”
“Well, no. Not now. I found another place to live. It’s a bit cheaper and closer to school. I’ll be sharing with another nursing student and she’s got a little boy close to Ian’s age. And the day care where Ian goes is looking for some temporary help because one of their employees is going to be out of work for two months to have some kind of surgery.”
“So you won’t be right next door anymore?”
The question threw her off. Of all the things he could have asked about, why that? “Um, no. What’s that have to do with it?”
“Nothing. Brain freeze. If that’s going to be a better situation for you, Mickie, do it. We’ll manage here. Now that I have DeShawn until the end of September, we’ll be fine.”
“Well, I don’t know if it’ll be better, just maybe more convenient.”
“How so?”
She shuffled the study cards between her hands. “I don’t know, Josh. I just don’t know what to do.”
His hand closed over hers, stilling her restless movements. “About what?”
“I don’t really want to move in with Diane. I feel like I’m doing it for selfish reasons.”
“Such as?”
She looked up at him. Let herself look into those dark blue eyes. Let herself feel the heat of his fingers on the back of her hand. He had a way of calming her when her thoughts and fears and anxieties ran amok. “I like living on my own. I like the independence. Feeling like I am in control of my life.”
“Understandable.”
“And I feel like my wanting to move in with her is selfish because I really only want to because she’s a year ahead of me in school and could help me.”
His eyebrows lifted and he leaned back in the chair and crossed his arms across his chest, distracting her with t
hose biceps. “Maybe she wants to help you.”
Mickie felt her mouth drop open. “Oh.”
“Never considered that, did you?”
“No.”
“Remember the day we met? You were moving in all by yourself? I had to practically beg you to let me help you.”
She smiled at the memory. “I know.”
“Let people help you, Micks. If it’s going to be good for you and Ian to move in there, then do it. It’s like what you said just a few minutes ago about studying because you couldn’t fail for Ian’s sake. You don’t have to do everything all by yourself all the time.”
She sat, frozen, unable to move or breathe against the overwhelming rush of emotion that swept over her. She blinked and twin tears ran down her cheeks. “That’s the problem,” she said in a rough whisper. “Yes, I do.”
Because she was still letting him control her. Still terrified to let people into her life. Because what if? What if he showed up and hurt someone? What if he showed up and turned them against her? What if he showed up and exposed her shame? What if? She’d tried everything. Changed her name. Moved out of state. Moved again. And again. Cut herself off from all her friends and only maintained minimal, anonymous contact with her parents. None of it had helped stem the fear.
She was clinging to the hope of a nursing degree. To have financial stability. To be able to afford a nice, safe place with alarms and a big, barky dog. Then she’d feel safe. But deep down, she knew it was all a lie. Nothing was going to make her feel safe. Never again. Not until she found some way of exorcising him from her mind.
“Hey.” Josh’s voice pulled her out of her thoughts. He leaned forward across the table, both her hands in his now. “Hey. What’s really going on, Mickie?”
“I’m sorry. It’s just. You know. It’s hard for me to take help.”
“But why?”
She forced her lips into a smile and tried to make it reach her eyes. “Because I help people. They don’t help me. Duh. A nurse.”
He didn’t look away or let go of her hands. “No. That’s not it. You’re lying.”
“No, I’m not.”
“Yes, you are.”
Now she was angry. “Let go of me.”
He dropped her hands immediately and sat back. “I’m sorry. I was prying.”
She shook her head. “I don’t know why I’m like this, Josh. I just am.”
His eyes let her know he still thought she was lying. But he just nodded. “Okay. I’m sorry I upset you.”
“You didn’t. I upset myself.”
“We’ll miss you if you leave.”
That got a real smile out of her. “Will you?”
“Yeah, the guys all adore you. You’re like our little sister.”
“Not what I meant.”
His eyes met hers and the heat flared for a long, sweet moment. Her stomach fluttered with excitement and her heartbeat jumped a few notches. She’d never done this before. Engaged a man like this.
“You know the answer to that,” he said, his voice husky.
“Yes?”
“Yes. Mickie. I thought we weren’t going to do this.”
Her resolved failed. She could feel her face getting hotter and hotter. She dropped her gaze to the table. “Yeah. I know. I’m sorry.”
Neither of them said anything for what seemed like forever. Finally Josh stood and sighed deeply. “We tell each other we’re sorry way too much.”
As he left the room, she covered her face with her hands. You are such a dork. What were you trying to do? Seduce him? You? She’d never be able to face him again. She snorted out a laugh. Yeah, this is like the third time you’ve left yourself in this position.
* * *
JOSH STAYED LOCKED behind his office door until he was sure Mickie had left for the day. She didn’t know how close he’d come to showing her just how much he’d miss her right there on the kitchen table. She was leaving. He was going to miss her, he realized. He liked her. She made him laugh. And she seemed to understand him in a way no other woman, besides Sadie, had. Shutting down the laptop, he shook his head. No. Just no. We aren’t even going down that road.
Grabbing his gym bag and motorcycle keys, he headed out to the gym. There was a yoga class starting in thirty minutes. Some meditation and a nice workout would fix all this.
Damn it. After a grueling one-hour level-three class, he should be blissing out in Shavasana. Instead of drifting into that amazing moment when his mind went completely silent, everything, everyone, every thought gone, she was there. Random flashes. The swing of her hair in that ponytail. The little crease between her eyebrows when she frowned. Those damn study cards. The way she’d acted like a game-show model showing off the secondhand furniture. The amazing sound of her laughter.
He gave up on the blissful nothingness he was seeking and simply lay there on the yoga mat, staring at the ceiling. It was an interesting ceiling. Done in the same light oak planking as the floor. Okay, so you like her. She’s a friend. Okay, she’s a friend you’d like to haul off to bed. Doesn’t mean anything. You’re allowed to miss a friend when they move away, right?
The instructor began to quietly pull the class out of the deep relaxation of the pose and end the class. Josh usually stayed longer, until the rest of the class had left the room. This night, however, he got up immediately. At least he had a great workout. His arms still trembled a bit when he gripped the handlebars of the bike. He cranked the engine and slipped on the helmet. Now what?
The class must have done some good because now he was thinking a bit more clearly. He’d told Mickie that it would be fine if she had to take the other job, but really, he did still need her. Drake’s accident had proven just how few resources he had for an emergency situation. Even with Mickie there to move appointments and get paperwork done, he was still behind. If he’d had to do everything by himself, nope, it would have been a disaster. He needed at least three fully trained crews and DeShawn training more before he could stay in the office all the time. He was going to have to convince her to stay.
* * *
HE WAITED UNTIL LATER. When he was sure she’d gotten Ian to bed. The vertical blinds covering the back sliding door were closed, so he couldn’t tell if she was in the kitchen or not. But the light was on so he tapped gently on the door. No answer. He knocked harder. After a moment, there was a tiny flutter in the blinds.
“It’s just me,” he said.
The blinds pulled open and she toed a board out of the sliding door’s track. She slid the door open as she propped a baseball bat in the corner next to the door. That was very new.
“What’s up with the new home security system?”
She rolled her eyes. “I’m a woman. Living alone. With a baby.”
“Yeah. Guess I didn’t think of it like that.”
“What’s up?”
“Nothing.”
She waited, patiently looking up at him.
“Oh. Yeah. What if I gave you a raise?”
“A raise?”
“I really could still use your help, Mickie. If you decide to move in with that other woman, if I gave you a raise, would you consider staying with me until school starts instead of taking that other job?”
The vertical frown line appeared. God, it was so adorable. “Come in,” she said, turning away. “Can you open this?”
He crossed the kitchen to the counter, where she handed him a bottle of wine with a flimsy opener sticking out of the cork. He pulled the cork loose with a loud pop. “At your service,” he said, presenting the bottle to her with a flourish.
“Thank you,” she said as she poured some wine into a coffee cup. “First bottle of wine I get in a year that isn’t screw-top and I can’t even open it. Want some?”
“No. I don’t drink.”
“Not at all?”
“Nope.”
“Personal choice or problem?”
He shrugged. “A risk I don’t want to take.”
“I can respect that. More for me.”
“You planning on getting toasted?”
“I’m a mother. I can never get toasted. Come on.”
He followed her into the living room. She plopped down in one of the armchairs and motioned at the other. “Have a seat.”
He sat down, studying her carefully. If he hadn’t known better, he’d swear she’d already had a glass or two. There was a looseness about her. In the fluid movement of her body and the ease in her words. “Are you even old enough to buy wine?” he joked.
She shot him a murderous glare. “Here. Make yourself useful.”
He took the handful of study cards she handed him. “What am I going to do with these?”
“Test me. Please. I’m going insane. The answers are all running together and my brain is Jell-O.”
“Maybe you should take a break.”
“And do what? I’ve already cleaned the house. I’m caught up on laundry. I don’t have cable. About all I have left is sleeping or studying.”
She twisted in the chair, curling her legs under her and facing him. She held the coffee cup of wine in both her hands. “I can’t sleep anymore.”
“Probably because you’re stressing yourself out with all this study-card stuff.”
“No, actually, the studying makes it better.”
“Makes what better?”
A flicker of a shadow crossed her features. Her eyes looked weary and sad as she looked away from him. Her lips pressed together before she blew out a sigh. “Nothing. It’s just me. Please, Josh. Pretty please with sugar on top. Quiz me.”
The change in her mood was so abrupt that it took him a moment to catch up with it. He hesitated, wanting to pursue that dark mood. She reminded him of Sadie. How the dark moments would creep up on her and how efficiently she’d learned to push them away. Instead he looked down at the cards in his hand.
Boss on Notice Page 15
