by Dalia Wright
“I have to admit, I’m surprised you agreed to come for a walk with me. It seems like you’ve been avoiding me.”
Anna felt her cheeks flush. She had been avoiding him as much as she could. She loved another man. “Nee, I’ve just been very busy.”
It took everything she had not to touch her stomach. Not that she really thought Mathew would notice.
“But you’re alright, jah?”
“Jah. I’m alright.” She lied. She couldn’t tell him the truth. I’m scared and lonely, and I have no clue what I’m going to do. She could still run. She could leave her family, and the thought of love made it tempting. But… she knew that Brad likely didn’t feel the same for her. She didn’t dare risk her entire life for an English man who would get bored of her, did she?
I want to, she thought as they made their way over to a group of trees all the kids used to play at when they were younger.
Anna took a deep breath. Is that where my child will play when they grow older? she wondered.
She knew that would only be if she stayed here, and if she stayed here it meant she would never be able to see Brad again.
“Tell me something. You look like a girl with a lot on your mind.”
“Don’t we all have a lot on our minds these days?” She gave him a soft smile. “It’s nothing. Just thinking about the future.”
“I think I’d very much like to be in your future, Anna.” His eyes sparkled as he said it. His words made Ana’s heart skip a beat. He reached out and touched her hand softly. “I’d very much like to hold the keys to your heart.”
Her heart did a double take. She had never realized he had such a way with words.
She stared, speechless. Did she want him to hold the keys to her heart? If I actually had a key to my heart, who would I give it to? She didn’t need to say it out loud to know the answer to that and the truth is, she hated that answer.
Not because she didn’t love him, but because no matter what she would have to give something up.
Chapter Three
Anna made her way back to the house after dark, not that her parents seemed to mind.
“Your deatt said you went for a walk with Mathew!” Her mother seemed overjoyed by it. “Does this mean that you two will be courting?”
“I… I’m not sure,” Anna admitted. She wanted to say yes, just to make her mother happy but the truth was, she didn’t want to court Mathew. She wanted to court someone else. Someone she knew she would never be able to court. Anna took a deep breath, trying not to show that she was upset about something. If her parents were to ask she wasn’t sure she could deny that anything was wrong.
A yawn passed through her lips. “Anyways, I think I will get an early night.” She turned, heading for her room.
“Anna.” Her father’s voice made her stop. “You’ve been going to bed early these past few weeks.” She wasn’t sure if it was some sort of way to ask why, or if it was just a statement.
“Jah, I’ve noticed too. I think, mostly it just has to do with the work I’ve been putting in. I’ve noticed my muscles aching, too.” She felt bad lying. But it wasn’t really a lie. Her muscles had been aching. She had been working hard the past few months. The church was going to be hosting the weddings soon, and that meant everything had to be perfect. She was even trying to sew a new table runner for the picnics.
Anna gave her father a soft smile.
“Try not to push yourself too much.” He studied her carefully.
“I will.” She promised him before heading to her bedroom. She didn’t change out of her dress. Instead she lay down in bed, reaching for the Bible she kept under her pillow. She stared down at it, her hands shaking as she reached to open it. She couldn’t. She wanted to but she couldn’t bring herself to.
She closed her eyes. Gott. I’m not sure if you’re even still listening to me, but I need… what did she need? Just for someone to listen to her. I’m scared. I’m so scared and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose my family but I don’t want to lose Brad. I love him, is that wrong? For me to love an English mann? And what about deatt? What will happen if everyone finds out? If I stay here… someone will eventually find out. Someone will figure it out, even if I marry quickly, people will talk and they will think it’s odd. What was she supposed to do? She wasn’t the only girl who had been in this position. She knew that, and she knew people talked about those girls. If I leave, people will talk but at least no one will know. At least they will not be able to shame deatt for my actions. But her family would be broken, wouldn’t they? Would they be able to get over the heartbreak of their child leaving? And what about Sarah – would she be able to get over her sister leaving? Would they ever forgive her for what she did?
Would I ever be able to come back? she wondered.
Anna opened her eyes as she heard the door open and Sarah stepped inside. She didn’t look happy.
“What’s wrong?”
“I don’t get why deatt won’t let me court John.” Her brow furrowed as she dropped down onto the bed, her arms crossed over her chest.
Anna’s heart skipped a beat. John was older than she was. No wonder her father wouldn’t allow it.
“John asked to court you?”
“Nee, I asked to court him.”
“And he agreed?”
“Nee, not yet. But if I ask him out again…”
“Sarah.” Anna tried to figure out how she was going to gently convince her sister not to try and court John. “What about Luke?”
Everyone knew he was in love with Sarah.
Sarah stared back at her with wide eyes. “Ew. He’s my friend, Anna.”
Anna shrugged. “Sometimes it’s the friends that make the best husbands. Remember, meamm and deatt were best friends before he asked her to take a walk with him after church one day.” Like they always did, but it hadn’t been the same as every other time they went for a walk. Anna’s father had confessed his love for his best friend. And that had been that. She had given him a chance to win her heart, and he had. The next fall they were getting married, and then Anna had been born not too long after that. Sarah didn’t say anything but Anna could tell she was mulling it over.
“I’m going to bed; if you’re not ready to then-”
“Nee, I’m tired.” Sarah reached for the small lamp that lit the room. She didn’t seem to notice that Anna was still wearing her clothes, which was good. Anna slid under the blankets and, as her little sister turned out the light, waited for everyone to fall asleep.
I’m not even sure why I’m waiting, she thought. Brad probably wouldn’t be there tonight. He knew she was with kind. He knew that she was expecting and he probably wouldn’t want anything to do with her now, right? He wouldn’t come back to her. He would ignore her when they were in the church together.
Nee. She had seen how hurt he looked when she walked out of the church with Mathew. Maybe he would be there tonight. Maybe he wasn’t going to leave her hanging. Maybe, just maybe, they could make things work together.
Hope tugged at the pit of her stomach for a fraction of a second before she remembered that if Brad and her made things work, she would have to leave her family.
She knew she couldn’t ask him to join the community. She knew he had his own family and she knew that she couldn’t ask him to give up his life.
I won’t make him give up his life. He deserves to be happy. Anna was the one who had made this mistake and she was going to bare it. For him, it was probably normal to do this. For her, it was a sin, and she had known that going into it. She hadn’t been forced into anything. She had known what she was doing and she had known it was wrong. She had still done it and now she was being punished for it. She understood that and she understood that it was her punishment to bear. Only, no matter what happens people will get hurt. She hated that.
More than anything, she hated herself for the fact that she was going to hurt the people in her life.
Anna lay there in the dark. Her sister
had fallen asleep already, which meant the coast was clear. She slipped out of bed and padded to the window as quietly as she could. She had gotten good at this over the last few months. Opening the window just enough for her to be able to slip out.
It had taken some getting used to, but now Anna managed to do it with ease. She landed outside on the ground and headed for their meeting place. I wonder if he will even be there. If he wasn’t there then she would just go home, right? And she would know that that was the end of them. She would know for sure what kind of man he was.
That scared her.
Brad parked a mile away from their meeting spot. By the time he got there he was a couple minutes late. They had agreed that they would meet here every night at the same time. When he got there, there was no sign of her.
His heart dropped into the pit of his stomach. He thought about the man who had walked out of the church with her.
He’s been making eyes at her since I first met him. He had asked Anna about it once before. She said she had no interest in him, but today it didn’t look like he hadn’t had an interest in him. It looked like they were getting along rather well. It had taken everything for him not to rush after them, and maybe if the minister hadn’t been there he would have considered it.
What if she doesn’t show?
How long would he wait for her to show? Would he wait here all night? No, he knew he couldn’t do that.
“I… I wasn’t sure you would come.” Her voice made his heart race.
He turned to face her.
“Anna,” he sighed as he rushed over to her, pulling her into his arms.
Their lips met. Soft, like all their kisses when they met for the night.
Her heart raced.
She had always known that what she was doing with him was wrong, but part if her thought that made it all the more fun. She had just wanted to slip out once at first. The second night she was going to tell him they couldn’t do it anymore, but she hadn’t wanted to. When he asked if she would see him again she had agreed, because she wanted to see him again.
Her arms wrapped around his neck, pulling him close to her as she felt comfort wash over her.
“How are you feeling?” He asked, pulling away from her. He looked her up and down. His hand traced over her body, resting on her belly.
“I’m alright.”
“And… the baby? I mean, bobi.”
He was always so careful to try and pick up her language. She loved it, but she knew there was no point. She knew that he would never want to join the community.
“He’s alright, as far as I can tell.”
She bit her lip. She didn’t want to say anything wrong, but the truth was, they needed to sort things out fast. They needed to agree what they were doing before things got complicated.
“You know, I can’t… get rid of him.” She would not kill the baby inside her. She may be able to come to terms with the fact that she had sinned, but to kill the baby inside her was… unforgivable. She would not be that kind of girl.
“I’d never ask you to. We’ll do this together. I-” He stopped, looking away from her.
“What?”
“Nothing.” He said quickly.
Anna raised an eyebrow. She didn’t believe it for one second.
“I mean, we won’t together,” he said. His words hit Anna, knocking all the breath out of her. “You and that Amish boy will. The one I saw you with earlier.”
She couldn’t tell if he sounded hurt or bitter. Both, maybe.
“You mean, Mathew?”
“Sure, whatever his name is.” He shrugged.
“I-”
“I get it. You don’t want to be with someone like me. I’m just… a forbidden fruit that you wanted to taste. You never planned…”
He trailed off, turning away from her. Anna stared, dumbfounded by what he had just said. She had never meant to make him feel like that. She had never meant to make him feel like she didn’t want to be with him- like he was just being used.
Like what I thought he was doing with me.
Brad stepped away from her. She reached out, grabbing his hand. “Wait,” she said, her mind racing, “I love you.”
There, she said it. She put it out there for him to know. If she made a fool of herself for it then so be it. She was at least going to let him know how she felt about him. She was going to let him know that it had nothing to do with him being English. She had fallen for him.
He stopped, not turning to face her. “Are you lying? Are you just trying to get something from me? What is it?”
“I… no of course not. I would never say that just to get something from you.” Anna stammered.
He turned to face Anna, and even in the moonlight she could see the tear roll down his cheek. “I love you too, Anna.”
Her heart did a double back flip. She hadn’t thought he would say it back. She had thought he’d be running for the hills.
“But… we’re from different worlds,” she said softly. The disappointment filled her. She hated that she had to say it. She hated that it was the truth. For a split second, she hated that she was Amish. Guilt filled her. Guilt over what she had done with Brad, guilt for hating that she was Amish, guilt for the child growing inside her because Anna knew she wasn’t good enough to be a mother yet.
“We’ll make it work.”
His words shocked her for a fraction of a second, then soothed her. She loved hearing him say that. She loved knowing that he wanted to support her.
Anna closed the distance between them and pulled him into a hug. Her arms wrapped around him, holding him close as his arms wrapped around her hips. She took a deep breath, comfort flooding her body. For the first time all day she felt like, maybe, they we were going to be able to make it through this.
“I still don’t know what to do,” she said softly.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, I mean… about everything. I went for a walk with Mathew today so that if need be, I can marry him quickly. I know that it’s not really what I want, but I also don’t know if I can leave my family, Brad.”
“I understand.” He gave her a soft smile, reaching out and touching her cheeks with his warm finger tips. His lips touched hers. “We’ll make it through this,” he promised.
Chapter Four
He walked her home that night, which was uncommon for him, but he said he wanted to make sure she got home alright. The truth is, last night had been a mistake.
Anna knew that no matter how much they talked about being together, there was no way they could be together. Not really. It would never work. She didn’t dare say that to him, because honestly she didn’t want to ruin what little time she had left with him. She wanted to savour every second of it. She wanted to remember it for the rest of her life, because she did love him.
They talked about names, and about how they would do the nursery. Pain surged through her, not because of the baby growing inside her, but because she knew that soon she would never be able to see him again. Not really.
Even if she did run into him at the church, it wouldn’t be the same. They would never be able to admit to what they shared between them, and soon Mathew would think that he was the father. He would be so proud. He would be so happy to raise a child and Brad, the real father, would be left to pretend that he had no feelings for the child.
Anna hated it. And she hated herself for knowing that she would have to hurt the man she loved.
I wish he could join the community, she thought, but she couldn’t ask that of him and she knew it.
Sighing she sat up. She was shocked to see Sarah still sitting there. Sarah stared at her sister.
“I have to ask you something. And I need you to be honest with me.” Her younger sister said softly.
“Alright, what?” Anna bit her lip. Why did her sister sound so worried? It wasn’t like her.
“Meamm and deatt went into town to get some things. It’s just the two of us here.” Why would that matter?
“You snuck out last night. Was it to see a boy?”
“What? I-”
“You’ve been sneaking out all week, and the week before that.” The little girl stared at her sister with wide eyes.
“You’ve known for this long?” Anna stammered. She had thought she was good at hiding it. Clearly, not.
“Jah. I woke up one night when you were opening the door.”
“Did you-”
“Nee, I didn’t tell meamm or deatt. But you’ve been acting strange. You’ve been… moping. Have you been sneaking out to see a boy?”
Anna’s cheeks flushed. “Jah, but it’s not like…” she trailed off. What was she supposed to say? It was everything she would normally say it wasn’t. She knew there was no way to make herself feel less bad about it. “Please, don’t tell deatt. He’ll be shamed if he knows.”
“I won’t tell him, because you’re right. He will feel shamed if he knows. And that’s why you can’t tell anyone else.” Sarah crossed her arms over her chest.
“I haven’t yet. I don’t plan on doing it now. Anyways, it’s done. It’s over.”
“You mean, you and that boy?”
“Jah. I don’t think we’ll be seeing each other again. It’s clear we’re not looking for the same thing.” Anna bit her lip. She wanted to stay here. He was, no doubt, expecting her to go with him. I still could. She could maybe live without seeing her family. I should at least ask him if he wants to join the community. Right? She should, but she knew what his answer would be, and she wasn’t sure she was ready for that.
“That’s why you’ve been moping. He broke your heart.”
“What?” Anna snapped. “Nee, that’s crazy.” She tried to protest, but she couldn’t bring herself to. She felt tears fight against the corner of her eye. She felt one slide down.
Anna lifted her hand angrily and wiped it away. Sarah didn’t say a word for a long time. She just sat there. Finally, after half an hour she stood. “You know, Gott has a plan for you, Anna. You’ve been an inspiration to more people than you realize, and Gott hasn’t overlooked that. Whatever happened between you and that boy, Gott has something in mind for you – wonderful things.”
