Brother Barry G. Branson, employee of Family Home Center of Homosassa
"My girlfriend Sandra loves to masturbate with a big green cucumber and after she cums fifty times, we invite our neighbors over to have a nice cucumber salad and while they eat the big green cucumber, we crack up with hysterical laughter! My sexy Sandra loves to have sex with big green vegetables and we call it — Garden Sex! And I always make sure that my horny girlfriend gets enough greens, Ha, Ha, Ha! Yesterday, I was having some of my best vegetable sex, but my girlfriend wrecked the whole thing when she came into the room, ha, ha! Brother Barry Branson just told me today, that he had awesome garden sex last night when he sat on a very big green cucumber to cum like my girlfriend who stuffs her asshole with a long yellow zucchini! My girlfriend Sandra has such a powerful sex toy, that it chips her teeth!"
Paul D. Maltese, who will soon become known as The Sexual Hound Dog
III
Peas and Carrots
AS this crime-ridden odyssey continues to pick up speed, about five to six days after The Transvestite Incident that compelled Brother Barry Branson to masturbate in the bathroom in which he occupied for two straight hours, in the mid afternoon on a hectic Friday since every day is hectic for me when one handles a growing customer base in the triple digits, Brother Brent and Paul Maltese lackadaisically step into my office to plop their lazy asses in the chairs opposite my desk to shoot the breeze and I'm forced to take a break from my work to converse and taking a break to converse is something that I always hate to do and I am always forced into every single break, which in retrospect, is an extremely positive thing because a tremendous amount of knowledge is always learned from each interruption, because each discussion sooner or later always revolves around the best ways to commit a series of particular crimes and today is no different. Which frankly means, little by little the hidden secrets of the dealership are being revealed to me against my will, since I would rather work than converse and as I look back on my days at the dealership, the many unwanted interruptions that were forced upon me, are a godsent. While I'm continually being paged that I have three to five urgent telephone calls on hold and as Brother Brent and Paul act as if they cannot hear the squawk box paging me every twenty to thirty seconds since they do not want to be interrupted by my answering of a phone call and in a completely relaxed and goofing off demeanor, Brother Brent begins with:
"Vince, you have to listen to this, Paul and I were just discussing this in my office and it is so funny, that we had to come out here so you can hear this because this not only works like a charm for Paul, but its really really super funny as well! If you can copy exactly what Paul does and says, the fat Conseco girls who approve the Conseco mortgages will always approve your customers' mortgages just like how them girls always approve Paul's customers with mortgages that they should never receive; and due to what Paul says over the phone, every one of his customers are always approved! Even when one of Paul's customers are declined, once Paul gets on the phone with the Conseco girl to throw the old flattery routine at that plug-ugly fat slob who weighs three hundred pounds, an hour later that customer is magically approved. Tell Vince what you do which is something that I could never do, because the Conseco girls are so fat and ugly that — They Are Grotesque Monsters! I can only do what Paul does if those girls were sexy drag queens in a lacy bra and cheeky G string, only then would I be able to perform phone sex for a mortgage approval."
"First of all, I know what I'm talking about because once every two months I take a day to visit the Conseco girls who approve the mortgages and each one of those fat girls must weigh at least three to four hundred pounds each, and they never get laid and that's why they are a bunch of big nasty Bitches on a big power trip who decline your customer even if that customer should be approved, so what I do, I reverse this whole scenario by talking dirty to those fat disgusting broads and they instantly become as nice as a purring kitty-cat, because I spend a huge amount of time to give that fat nasty bitch an intense orgasm over the phone! Of which means, that all of my mortgage approvals are solely based on phone sex! Usually I just come right out with it and say 'Hey Fat Mamma, don't you just love it when my prettyboy face is wrinkled from your pussy sitting on it Baby? My long tongue can do many wondrous things in that position, I'll make you cum with so many orgasms, that bolts of lightning will strike your vagina because I am — Thunder Lips! I want you because I'm just a big lover of chubby girls and I hope that you have some extra cushion for my strong pushin' Hot Stuff! Show Big Daddy Paul some sugar with a mortgage approval, show Big Daddy Paul how much you love him Jumbo Jugs! If you show me how much you love me with a big mortgage approval for this customer that you have declined, I'll drive down to Conseco Finance next Tuesday to give you many big sloppy French kisses because you are so beautiful to me Sweet Cheeks? And when I come down there, I need to spank your fat lumpy ass like a supermodel Baby! Give Big Daddy some wet poon-tang! Give daddy lots of anal sex Baby! I'll give you a magic kiss in a magic location that will make you feel magical Baby Buns! For every single mortgage approval that you give me and I do expect all of my customers to be approved, I'll give you three magic kisses next week and like a killer whale at Sea World begging for a little fish, you'll be my killer whale begging me for my magic kisses. And you're also my big killer whale because if you sit on my face, you'll kill me! My kisses will make you feel like my personal blow-up doll Honey! Your voice sounds so sexy over the phone that its making me so horny, that I need to play with myself! When I think of how sexy you are by losing twenty pounds to only weigh a skinny two hundred and eighty-five pounds, I need to play with myself a second and third time because you are so hot and I can't resist your hotness Baby! Like jelly leaking from a jelly doughnut, show me your wet spot Girlfriend! As I talk the erotic talk, put your finger on your engorged clitoris and slowly rub it in tiny circles and with my arousing pillow talk that makes you wetter and wetter and hotter and hotter and when you least expect it, I'll make you cum like a lesbian with a sex toy Honey! On Tuesday, if you're a wild kinky girl, you can whip out your big titties so my horny little love log can give you a pearl necklace Sugar Tits! Rub your clitoris faster because I Order You to cum like a sexy Asian hooker receiving anal sex in the back seat of a Dodge!' And at Conseco Finance, that's the secret of getting mortgage approvals and to this very day, I have never received a mortgage approval any other way. Vince, yesterday you heard part of my phone sex conversation not with my girlfriend, because it was with a fat ugly bitch at Conseco and after I gave that horny bitch ten orgasms, which may be as high as forty or fifty orgasms because we lost count and after that fat bitch screamed in my ear with fifty orgasms and with the last orgasm that rocked her world, it turned a decline letter into an approval letter and Brent always gets a huge kick out of it. All of the salesmen do it except for you Vince, so if you really want a mortgage approval from Conseco, you either have to fuck the fat bitch, or you need to have some serious phone sex with those fat broads at Conseco. Once you get used to having daily phone sex as well as giving those greedy bitches ten to fifty orgasms every day, its really not that bad because you get used to it and actually, I actually like it now because when I call Conseco, I'm like a movie star because those fat girls go crazy with the mere mention of my name and when some of them hear my name over the loudspeaker, they actually have a big orgasm right then and there! When I go to Conseco for my visits, the fat girls always have flowers and candy waiting for me and I'm treated like a famous porn star! With my French kissing as well as some grabbing of the tits and rubbing of the big throbbing clitoris while I speak the mushy words of my pillow talk, but once the janitor sees me he always rushes out with a big mop to mop up the large puddles of cum under their desks because every fat broad in the joint is cuming and cuming with orgasms too many to count and all of my customers are magically approved with mortgage approvals. And that's the only way of how the mortgage approval process works at Conseco, so if you want a mortgage for a customer
, this is what you must do. If you do not have phone sex with the horny Conseco girls, you'll never get a mortgage approval in a million years and its irrelevant of how good your customer is, because your customer will be declined if you do not make her cum with phone sex. Without sugarcoating it, the truth is that your income is solely based on your phone sex abilities. The fat broads at Conseco need love and you need to provide that kinky love if you wish to have mortgage approvals for your customers. I just gave you the big key to the Conseco mint. Your customers will remain homeless unless you have phone sex with the fat girls at Conseco as well as visiting them to give each girl a big sloppy French kiss on both the mouth and the clitoris. Once I had a customer with really bad credit and after submitting his paperwork four times, I received four decline letters and I got so pissed off, that I got into my car and drove to Conseco with the four decline letters in my hand and when I approached my Conseco girl and without saying a single word, I handed over the four decline letters and then I planted a French kiss on her mouth and my tongue action went all the way down her throat and before I left Conseco that day, on a silver platter I was given an approval letter for that customer who had been declined four times and I truly believe, that this story demonstrates the immense power of the big sloppy French kiss. To make my French kisses even more memorable, under the blouse I always grab their titties and then, my hand goes beneath their panties to finger fuck the soaking wet pussy as many times as required to make the horny bitch cum eight hundred times! With so many folds of fat going every which way, I get nervous when I can't find the Goddamn Pussy! If only my customers knew that their approvals are solely based on my stroking of the clitoris to orgasm with my finger or tongue and that is how my customers have achieved home ownership. At Conseco, I never leave without penetrating the wet hymen with two fingers to search out, locate and stimulate the G spot into many orgasms and by the time that I get done, my hand smells like the insides of a tuna! If you fail to give her an orgasm, you run the risk of the Conseco girl faxing you a decline letter the next day, so fingering the vagina even if its bleeding with a period is absolutely mandatory for home ownership. This bad sexual abuse of me only occurs because, when you put women in charge of something important like mortgage approvals, it becomes a screwed up situation and Conseco is one big screwed up company since this is what must be done for a mortgage approval. To be successful in this business, you must be an expert at phone sex, squeezing tits and rubbing of the clitoris to orgasm are the three keys to home ownership. My French kisses work every time to turn a decline letter into an approval letter, right Brent? Tell Vince that I just spook the truth."
"Yes, it works every time and in fact, I don't ever remember it ever not working," Brother Brent concurs, "Paul's big sloppy French kisses work every time and his kisses always turn a decline letter into a mortgage approval and I've seen this done hundreds of times. I could force myself to flirt with those fat ugly Conseco girls an itsy-bitsy bit, but I could never French kiss them like you always do Paul. Because those girls are so fat and ugly, that they actually look like big hideous monsters! For Paul, phone sex and French kissing the fat hideous Conseco girls is a sure-fire way to get mortgage approvals for customers who don't even qualify for a mortgage on a pack of gum. This is only one of the reasons why the Wayne Frier customers have the highest foreclosure ratio amongst all other dealerships nationwide, Ha, Ha, Ha! And besides, Wayne Frier, Matt Frier, Todd Frier and me always prefer to close on a Conseco mortgage since Conseco charges the customer a minimum of ten points on the loan amount and three to four points are secretly kicked back to us to be divided evenly among us and this occurs without us having a broker's license; the ten points that are charged, is borrowed money that is financed and put on top of the mortgage amount which increases the total mortgage amount being financed, which increases the foreclosure rate of our customers who are overwhelmed with a mortgage that is larger than they can handle, but we don't care because we got paid our big bucks. So as a co-owner of this dealership, I want you Vince, to use Conseco as much as you can, so we the owners can get our big four point kickback kicked back to us owners. Because even though Mr. Wayne Frier and me are not a licensed mortgage broker and only a licensed mortgage broker who submitted the loan application can legally participate and be paid from the origination fees or points, we always get paid that way anyway, because here in Florida, Mr. Wayne Frier is bigger than U.S. Steel!"
Conseco made a disastrous purchase in 1998 of Green Tree Financial, now called Conseco Finance. That $6 billion acquisition exposed Conseco to a mountain of bad loans — largely on mobile homes and manufactured housing — which worsen as the economy turned sour. Specializing in high risk consumer loans from mobile homes and manufactured housing, became a burden as loan default rates rose. Conseco is the third largest U.S. bankruptcy at 61.4 billion dollars.
The second largest U.S. bankruptcy is Enron at 63.4 billion dollars.
Associated Press Release announced on December 17, 2002
You might think that Paul has exaggerated a tad bit, but I am here to tell you that he has not exaggerated one iota, as I will surely find out for myself as this true crime story continues. During my initial six weeks at the dealership, I focus on recruiting as many customers as I can and as my customer base explodes upward toward triple digits, little progress has been made in the way of processing these customers with a mortgage which has become a huge bottleneck since every customer is at a standstill, so its time to begin my search for a good mortgage broker and or financing outlet and after weeks of searching high and low for a mortgage broker who is competent, I quickly learn that to find a competent mortgage broker in Florida is not so easy to do and after exhausting many leads, at long last I discover a mortgage broker who is extremely knowledgeable of mobile home sales and as you have already guessed, his name is Big Larry "the Fucken Bank" Kelner from Associated Mortgage Services. To use Conseco Finance for the financing of a mortgage is something that I am not in favor of, because a mortgage broker's origination fee or points usually ranges between three to four points maximum and Conseco rips off the poor customer by charging ten or more points and that's a massive rip off. What is more, Conseco's interest rates are always sky-high by at least two, three or four percentage points higher than other banks of which can indeed, increase the monthly payment by a few hundred dollars and the number one concern that the mobile home buyer has, is the amount of the monthly payment. Not to exclude a viable option, I experiment by submitting the paperwork on a select handful of my best customers to the arrogant, fat and nasty Conseco girls for a mortgage approval and not only am I abused since I must tolerate disrespectful and derogatory lingo from an egotistical Conseco Bitch, but I'm always hung up on while still speaking to then listen to the buzzing sound of the dial tone. Then, after many weeks of Paul prodding me to begin speaking to the Conseco girls with flirtatious phone sex, on five separate occasions I try my best but I must not be very good at phone sex because every single Conseco girl hangs the phone up, of which is followed by a decline letter on the following morning for every single customer that I submitted and pardon me for saying so, I decide that I do not want a woman mortgage broker because I am in no mood to continue my attempts at phone sex as well as to grab tits and rub her clitoris for a mortgage approval and I do not care to give the Conseco girl ten to fifty orgasms every day as the premier Phone Sex King, Paul Maltese, does each and every day. At this early stage in the grand scheme of things, all of these awful crime-ridden practices substantiates my sensible decision to use Big Larry "the Fucken Bank" Kelner as my new mortgage broker, especially since a good competent mortgage broker in Florida is something rarely found and to have phone sex as well as to grab the tits and rub the throbbing clitoris of Big Larry Kelner is not at all necessary; and neither is it a requirement to give Big Larry "the Fucken Bank" Kelner eight hundred orgasms during a visit.
The next issue is, instead of putting all of my eggs in one basket by purchasing many plot
s of vacant land (in which is a steady supply of deals for the purchase of vacant land from my many customers so that the construction of their homes can occur) through only one source which is through the real estate broker's license of Alfred E. Fournier (374-44-5076, who is a salesman in the dealership), who, is not only most times incompetent, but each day Alfred is always cockeyed drunk from consuming too many liquid lunches, so to help alleviate this bottleneck I decide to diversify the purchase of land through another real estate broker who has her own real estate brokerage firm entitled as Towne N Country, of which is five city blocks down the road and the real estate broker's name is Judith Corriveau, who, is a short fat Caucasian female in her late 50's, however, I soon learn that a common trait that commonly occurs, is that most people in Florida appear normal, until you get roped into a couple of deals with them and only then, will you discover that they are crazy psychopathic nut jobs. One must also consider, that the many lucrative deals that I freely give to Judy Corriveau is free money in her pocket because it requires zero work or effort on her part since I did all of the work and as an example, I walked into her real estate office on the first visit with ten signed deals, which is to hand her a boatload of cash without her raising one finger. However, I will provide her with my ten deals with only one stipulation: "No, I do not want a kickback nor do I want any favors, because all I want is for you Judy, to not bother me with phone calls or visits. I do not want to be hassled or pestered in any way either daily or on a weekly basis about the closing of each property, because sooner or later each property will close, so don't you worry about it nor do I want to be hassled with constant nagging. Every other Friday I will be happy to call you to give you a detailed update on each deal and if this is acceptable to you, I will also be happy to give you many more free deals that requires no work on your part, only if you promise not to bother me in any way, shape or form. I do not have the time to be bothered since I have over three hundred customers to contend with and nor do I need anymore aggravation than I already have, is this stipulation of not bothering me agreeable to you or not?"
Crime Does Pay Page 5
