‘So what’s the plan?’ he asked.
He gazed out of the window again, and clocked a poster advertising the evening’s entertainment and, reading it, his heart immediately sank. He turned to look at his mother and told himself that even she couldn’t be so cruel.
She grinned back at him, her excitement there for all to see. Enough to tell him that, yes, in the cruelty stakes, it seemed she could.
‘You’ve got to be kidding me,’ he said. ‘No wonder you kept quiet. You knew I wouldn’t have come.’
‘Oh don’t be so soft,’ his mum replied. ‘We’ll have a great time. Where’s your sense of fun?’
Dan looked at the poster again. When his mother had said tonight was about the two of them doing something special, this wasn’t the kind of thing he’d had in mind. He’d envisaged some quality one on one time, something along the lines of a nice meal where they could sit and not just talk, but really talk – and to each other, not a bunch of strangers.
‘Speed dating is not my idea of fun.’
‘Don’t worry, you won’t be on your own,’ said his mum. She pulled a compact out of her handbag and checked her make-up. ‘You’ll be pleased to know I’ve signed us both up.’
He inched round in his seat. ‘You’ve done what?’
She laughed, as usual refusing to take his disapproval all that seriously.
‘You of all people know I haven’t been on a single date since I married your Father. This way I get twenty in one evening. See it as making up for lost time.’ She pulled a pen and piece of paper out of her handbag and drew a tick next to one of her scribbles.
Dan recognised it as her Bucket List and rolled his eyes. ‘I should have known that would have something to do with this,’ he said.
‘Don’t worry. I’m not planning on replacing your Dad. We both know it’s a bit late for that. Call it killing two birds with one stone.’ She chuckled, as she stuffed the pen and paper away again. ‘After all, this isn’t just about me, is it? We still have your future to think about, remember, and what better place to start?’
He had secretly hoped that his mother would forget all about his promise to find a wife, but realised he’d only been kidding himself. She was never going to let up. As for her actual involvement, if she could do this, he dreaded to think what other delights his mother had in store.
‘Now come on, let’s get in there,’ she said.
Dan reluctantly switched off the ignition and watched her get out of the car. He was more than happy to support her with her dying deeds, but surely she didn’t really think he’d find his soul mate here of all places? She tapped on the window, excitedly urging him to get a move on. His shoulders slumped. Of course she did. In fact, it wouldn’t have surprised him if this had nothing to do with her Bucket List at all, if her contribution to the evening was just a façade. She continued motioning for him to hurry up and he couldn’t help but let out a hefty sigh. It was no use. He knew when he was beaten.
‘Now let me have a look at you,’ she said, as he climbed out of the vehicle.
She immediately began straightening his tie and stepping back to behold him in all his suited and booted glory, Dan felt like it was his first day at school all over again. Half expecting her to check behind his ears and make sure he’d brushed his teeth properly, experience told him he had no choice but to stand there until she was happy. Pride seemed to ooze out of his mother as she looked at him and he realised he couldn’t begrudge her this moment. As his heart began to melt, nor could he begrudge it for himself. Thanks to her illness, this was one of the few mother and son moments they had left.
Inspection over, she gave him a satisfied smile. ‘They’re going to love you as much as I do,’ she said.
‘You think?’ replied Dan.
Less than convinced, he looked up at the building once more, wondering what kind of people were in there, if any at all. Speed dating might have been the in thing once of a day, but to him, it now just seemed old hat.
He followed his mum inside and was pleasantly surprised by the smart interior. An ornately carved wooden bar spanned the whole length of the room; stylised framed posters of guitars, Che Guevara, and other iconic images hung in neat groupings against Olive green walls. Giant chandeliers also glistened across the ceiling. Everything in the room fit together perfectly. Dan would have loved to have had a proper look around, but within seconds it seemed that he and his mum had attracted attention.
A woman with a clipboard raced over to greet them. Assuming her to be the event organiser, she obviously ran a tight ship. As far as Dan was concerned, even her smile looked efficient.
‘Thank goodness,’ she said. ‘As you can see we’re ready to get started.’ She checked her watch. ‘A couple more minutes and you’d have missed out.’
‘Really,’ said Dan. Disappointed, he made a note to drive a little slower the next time his mother suggested an evening out.
He looked over at the hopeful participants and he was surprised to find how popular these events still were. Each one of them appeared to be as keen as the next to get proceedings underway; an eagerness that he could see also encompassed his mother. He took in the range of men she’d be chatting to, most of them geeks by the looks of things and the majority way too young. He just hoped there wasn’t some stalking, serial killer sitting amongst them too. What with everything else they had to contend with at the moment.
‘Now here’s your name tag,’ said the organiser. ‘It is Dan, isn’t it? I simply ask because that’s the only guy’s name I have left. We don’t do walk-ins, you see. Registration only, I’m afraid.’
Tempted to seize the opportunity and deny his identity, a knowing flash in his mother’s eyes warned him not to. Forced to appear keener than he felt, he found himself nodding. ‘Yes, Dan,’ he said. ‘That’s me.’
‘Lovely. Now here’s your sheet.’ The organiser offered him an A4 piece of paper and a pen. ‘Just to explain, your first date starts at the first whistle. After five minutes, you’ll hear the whistle again and that’s when you move on to your next date. It really is as simple as that. Just put a tick next to the names of all the ladies you’d like to meet up with again and only if there are any matches will we pass on your contact details.’
‘If you could take that seat over there, please.’ She indicated to an empty chair at the end table. ‘And I’ll show this lovely lady to her seat over there.’
His mum leaned into him. ‘Let the fun commence,’ she said.
She gave a little wink before sashaying off into the distance and, unable to help himself, Dan shook his head. How could she do this to herself, let alone him?
He headed over to his table and the first of his dates. A petite blonde with a friendly smile, she looked pleasant enough, although he didn’t have a clue what he was supposed to say to her.
She got up from her seat, ready to shake his hand. ‘I’m Sally,’ she said.
‘Dan,’ he replied, accepting the gesture.
When the organiser signalled half time, Dan had never felt so relieved. The shrill of a long, drawn out whistle had never sounded so good. To say these mini dates were supposed to be a sharing of information, he’d certainly struggled to get a word in. On the plus side, however, he supposed he now knew about the need to grow his own veg, where to go for the most stylish of haircuts, and that as soon as he gets the chance he should visit the Big Apple. Because NYC is definitely the best city on the planet.
‘That was quick,’ said the woman before him. ‘They say time flies when you’re having fun, don’t they?’
As she looked at her watch, Dan wondered what she was referring to. The evening so far? Or the last five minutes with him? Either way, he couldn’t bring himself to agree. In his view, this event nowhere near lived up to its name on the speed front.
‘Time for a drink, I think,’ she said.
Her statement contained the hint of an invitation, but Dan chose to decline. ‘You go ahead,’ he said, preferring to wait for
his mum. His lack of action seemed to confuse the woman, as if he should feel grateful for the extra few minutes in her company. But he pretended he hadn’t noticed and, after an uncomfortably long pause, she finally got up from her seat, gathered up her belongings, and went on her way.
He looked down at his sheet of names. Yes, one or two of them had been interesting, but not enough to warrant a tick. As for another one or two, if he ever happened to see them in the street he wouldn’t just cross the road, he’d cross the country. The things some people shared. As far as Dan was concerned, a couple of these women didn’t need a partner, they needed help.
Dan watched most of the attendees head to the bar, he continued to sit there and looked over to his mother. Still chatting away, she seemed as bad as all the others. Her smile was bigger and brighter than everyone else’s though and so infectious he felt his own lips curl. Seeing her so animated, it was hard to believe she was sick and wishing more than anything that she wasn’t, Dan found himself asking how long before the tell-tale signs that she was dying would begin to show.
He didn’t have a clue how he’d cope without her, a reality that obviously worried her more and more too. Why else would she bring him here of all places? He just wished she hadn’t insisted he make that stupid promise to start with. But promise he did. He looked around the rest of the room and knew nights like tonight weren’t the answer. Spotting marriage potential at the best of times, let alone in a simple five minutes, wasn’t just difficult, it was nigh on impossible. Even Annabel had said so and she was trying to get pregnant via a turkey baster.
Annabel. As soon as her face popped into his head he wished it hadn’t. Ever since they’d nearly kissed he’d been doing his best not to think about her. The last thing he needed right now was more complications and, as far as he was concerned, Annabel was one complicated lady. Of course, it didn’t help that he liked the woman, the very reason he’d tried to keep things professional these last weeks. Maintaining a distance seemed safer somehow. Then she offered him a drink and one thing led to another – well almost. He knew if their lips had connected, he’d have been hooked. Yet further proof that he needed to find the real woman of his dreams and fast.
Dan willed his mother to hurry up, she at last ended her conversation and enthusiastically began making her way over.
‘Isn’t this fun?’ she said.
Dan rose to his feet, doing his utmost to pretend he felt the same. ‘That’s one way of putting it,’ he replied.
He showed his mother to a vacant table in the bar area and went off to get them a drink. Then he returned with two glasses of orange juice, he would have preferred something stiffer. Getting drunk might not solve his problems, but it would certainly get him through the rest of the evening. All in complete contrast to how his mum felt, he noted. Having a merry old time, she clearly needed no such assistance.
‘You see that chap over there,’ she said, indicating to a man in the crowd. ‘The one in the grey suit?’
As he took a seat, Dan followed her eye line, identifying the man concerned.
‘He’s so lovely I can’t believe he’s still single. You’d think, as a doctor, he’d have no problem meeting the right woman, especially being surrounded by nurses every day. Unlike him over there.’ She pointed to another man. ‘It’s no wonder he’s on his own. He breeds rabbits. I tried to tell him a woman doesn’t really want to know the difference between a Britannia Petite and a Dwarf Hotot, but he wasn’t having any of it. The man’s obsessed.’
‘And that bloke there,’ she continued.
Drawn into her chatter, Dan tried to keep up. ‘The guy in the blue jumper?’
‘That’s the one. Well, his girlfriend’s just dumped him. Come the end of our five minutes, I realised I knew more about her than I did him. Honestly, you have to wonder what some people are doing here. Men like that can’t seriously be looking for a relationship.’
Dan laughed at the hypocrisy. ‘And you’re here because … ?’
‘What choice do I have?’ she asked. ‘I have a son who won’t grant his dying mother her one and only wish.’
Thanks to his mum’s current vivaciousness Dan had almost forgotten she was sick. Why did she have to remind him?
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ he asked. According to her Bucket List she had lots of dying wishes.
‘It means I have a son who doesn’t know what’s good for him. He refuses to settle down with the one beautiful, intelligent woman whom his mother knows is just perfect.’
Dan almost choked on his orange juice. She had to be kidding. ‘Please tell me you’re not talking about Missy’s daughter again, Mum. Settle down with her, I haven’t even met her.’
‘And whose fault is that?’ she asked. ‘It’s not like you haven’t had the chance.’ She took a sip of her drink. ‘In some cultures you wouldn’t have a choice in the matter, you know. In some cultures, it’s the parents who decide these things.’
Dan couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He’d guessed there’d be an agenda somewhere along the line, but he hadn’t made a connection to Maeve. ‘So all that stuff about us doing something fun together was just a ploy, was it? Tonight was meant to be so unbearable that I’d see the error of my ways? Are you sure you don’t have cancer of the brain as well as the body?’ he asked.
He froze, immediately horrified by what he’d just said. He couldn’t believe such a thought would enter his head, let alone come out of his mouth. ‘Mum, I’m so sorry, I take it back. I didn’t mean that.’
Much to his surprise, rather than be upset by his words, his mother suddenly burst out laughing. ‘Yes you did,’ she said.
As she continued to howl, Dan stared at her incredulous. Try as he might, he still couldn’t see the funny side.
‘That’s the first God’s honest thing you’ve said to me in weeks,’ she carried on. ‘Thank you, Lord. A bit of normality.’
‘Normality?’ said Dan, wondering what the woman was talking about. Now he really, really needed a drink. ‘Nothing about anything feels normal anymore.’ He took in his surroundings. ‘I mean look at us. You talk about mother and son. We’re out speed-dating together, for goodness sake.’
Much to his frustration, this made his mum laugh even more. But despite not getting the joke, it felt good to see his mum like this. Her laughter became contagious and Dan found himself starting to titter as well.
‘Oh, Dan, I have missed this,’ she said. She pulled herself together and gave him a hug.
As he felt his mother’s arms around him, Dan thought about the misery of the last few weeks and had to concede that he’d missed it too.
‘Ditto,’ he said.
Another long, drawn out whistle sounded signaling it was time to get back to it. However, rather than resume events, Dan wanted nothing more than to just stay put.
Dan’s mum released her hold, ready for round two; it seemed that she had different ideas.
‘Do we have to?’ he asked, watching her rise to her feet.
‘Well if you’re not interested in Maeve,’ she said, as she glanced around the room. ‘Who’s to say you won’t be interested in one of these lovely ladies?’ She looked him square in the eye. ‘Although we do still have those profiles to go through.’
‘Profiles?’ said Dan. What on earth was his mum talking about now? ‘What profiles?’
‘Didn’t I mention it?’ she replied. ‘I could have sworn I told you. I’ve signed you up with an Internet dating site.’
10
‘Oh, Mum. What are you doing now?’ asked Dan. As he entered the kitchen, he took in the sight before him. Worried for the woman’s safety, if she carried on like this, she was going to be the death of him, never mind herself.
‘Stop fussing, Sweetie. I’m not an invalid.’
Dan despaired. His mother could be so frustrating when she wanted to be, he wished that, for once, she’d listen to his advice.
‘No, but keep going like this and you soon will be,’ he s
aid. ‘What if you have a funny turn while you’re up there and there’s no one here to catch you?’
Seeing her part way up a step ladder, bottle of disinfectant in one hand, and a dishcloth in the other, it didn’t matter how many times he insisted she start taking things easy, his words only fell on deaf ears. No matter how many times he offered to get on with things himself, according to her the place needed a good old spring clean; a job that apparently only she could do. Yesterday, it had been the utility. Today, it seemed the kitchen cupboards warranted her attention. It was as if she needed to put on a show most of the time, pretending the cancer wasn’t taking its toll.
‘And you are sick, remember,’ he said. ‘You could easily fall.’ However, as usual she ignored him.
It wasn’t that he hadn’t tried to understand. He knew people dealt with the prospect of death in their own way, and in their own time. As for his mother, in her refusal to slow down, she seemed to be tidying up every loose end conceivable. Including jobs like this, so that when the inevitable came Dan would only have himself to think of. However, would he really care about a speck of dust loitering at the back of a cupboard upon her death? He very much doubted it.
As he watched her, Dan wanted nothing more than to be there for his mum. Not just emotionally, but through the physical pain she was clearly doing her utmost to hide. A difficult task when she refused to even acknowledge the C word, let alone talk about its impact on her body. Some rancid tumour was eating away at her insides, for God’s sake, and as far as Dan was concerned, that was the immediate priority here, not the housework.
‘We’re going to have to talk about it at some point, Mum,’ he said. ‘You can’t stay in denial forever. There are things we need to discuss. I need to know what’s happening to you, what’s going to happen. How else am I gonna be of any help?’
The Trouble With Words: a heart-warming romantic comedy Page 8
