The number of times that Annabel sat propped up in bed, bleary eyed, while Tom excitedly chattered on about something or other. He’d talk about the wedding, the perfect life they were going to build, and come the latter days, the success they would make of the shop. Annabel had felt daunted at their starting a business, concerned that if it failed they’d end up skint or worse still, homeless. If anything, it should have been her own worries keeping her awake at night, but they never got a look in thanks to her husband. She smiled, still able to hear him as if it was only yesterday. Oh yes, Tom’s enthusiasm had been enough for both of them and she’d had the lack of sleep to prove it.
‘I do miss you,’ she said, still imagining his face. ‘When I was with you everything felt right. Perfect, in fact.’ She thought about their life together, about how happy they’d been. She thought about his death. ‘Then you had to go and die and ruin it all,’ she added.
‘I’m still mad at you, you know. For leaving me,’ she carried on. ‘When it happened, I felt so angry I found it hard to breathe let alone function. And the pain, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I don’t know how I got through it.’ She began to think about her darkest days. ‘I remember standing at the roadside watching the traffic, thinking how easy it would be to just step out so we could be together again. It’s ironic really. The only thing that stopped me from actually doing it was you. I realised how angry you’d be at me for not carrying on without you.’
She stared at Tom’s headstone and wished it was him looking back at her instead of some cold, stone slab. Then again, she supposed talking to herself did make things easier; it enabled her to be more honest. A bit like in one of those counselling sessions, Annabel considered, where the patient laid on the couch, revealing their inner most thoughts. She’d often wondered why the doctor always seemed to scribble his notes from a chair just out of sight. It was obviously to give the patient the space to open up. She scanned her surroundings. Maybe that’s what Tom was doing with her now?
She sighed, ready to get back to the matter at hand.
‘Anyway, I did what I had to,’ she continued. ‘I got on with it. And I was alright in the end. I had my routine. Get up, go to work, come home, go to bed … . Not what most people would call fun, but I was happy plodding along in my own little world, I could cope with that.’ She paused for a moment to contemplate how long it took to get to that point. ‘Then it was my turn to go and change things. I decided I wanted a baby.’
‘Oh I don’t know, maybe things would be fine if I’d found a donor I didn’t actually like. Some womanising, disrespectful oaf of a man, instead of Dan. Katy and Rebecca think I like him a bit too much and, the thing is, I’m scared, Tom. I’m scared they might be right.’
She began tidying his grave, pulling up the tufts in the grass that had sprouted since her last visit.
‘I don’t suppose it helps having to see the two of them so loved up. Rebecca’s on cloud nine because Gavin isn’t really having an affair, like I couldn’t have told her that. And Katy’s made the bold step of swapping house keys with this Oliver chap, who we still haven’t met, by the way. I’m not jealous, as such. Seeing them just makes me realise what I’m missing out on. And if I’m honest, I’m not sure what I’ve been searching for has anything to do with babies like I thought it did. Not yet anyway.’
She paused to think about Dan. They may not have known each other for very long, but he’d begun to make her feel alive again. He’d stirred up feelings she’s long since supressed.
‘You’d like him, Tom. The two of you are very similar in many ways. And I know if I was to sit here and tell you I wanted to make a go of things with him you’d approve. You told me as much when you were still alive.’
Her mind drifted back to the day she gave him her word. Having not long moved into the house, they were giving the living room a spruce up with a fresh lick of paint. It took them weeks to decide on the right colour, but colour chart after colour chart and tester pot after tester pot, they finally settled on a gorgeous Dove Grey. Annabel chuckled as she pictured the scene. It was just like them to get as much on themselves as they managed to put on the walls.
‘What would you do if anything ever happened to me?’ asked Annabel, dipping her brush into the paint tin. ‘Do you think you’d ever get married again?’
‘I’d probably end up a merry widower,’ Tom replied, finishing off the chimney breast. ‘Living the high life on your life insurance.’
Annabel laughed. ‘I’d never meet anyone else.’
‘Rubbish,’ said Tom. He stepped back to admire his handiwork. ‘A good looking woman like you, men would be lining up to take my place.’
‘But that’s my point. No one out there ever could. I wouldn’t let them.’ She got back to her painting. ‘I wouldn’t want another relationship. I might not go down the Queen Victoria route and wear black for the rest of my days, but I certainly wouldn’t start over. I can promise you that.’
‘And I’m being serious too,’ insisted Tom, turning his attention to the alcove. ‘There’s no way I’d want you giving up on happiness just because I wasn’t around anymore.’
At the time, they seemed to be having one of those naïve conversations that Annabel assumed most newly weds had. She’d never forgotten it though and while looking back, she couldn’t help but wonder if deep down, she’d known all along their happiness couldn’t last; that they wouldn’t be together forever.
Tom, however, clearly had no such concerns.
‘I don’t know why we’re even talking about this,’ he said. ‘We’re both stuck with each other, I’m afraid. Neither of us are going anywhere.’
Annabel took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. If only that had been the case.
She gathered together the loose bits of grass she’d pulled up. ‘Please tell me what to do, Tom. I’m so confused, I can’t think straight. I don’t want to break my promise to you, but it feels like I’ve opened a door that I can’t close again.’ Hell, she didn’t even know where the door led considering she and Dan had never talked about it.
She looked around as if waiting for some sort of sign, but all she felt was the cool breeze suddenly blowing around her. She shuddered, feeling chilled to the bone. It seemed the dew from the grass had seeped through her clothes onto her skin. Annabel tried to warm herself up and stuffed her hands into her jacket pockets, her fingers landed on the cold metal of the one penny piece she’d found.
She wondered if this was the answer she’d been waiting for. ‘No,’ she said. ‘Surely not?’
While telling herself people had based their decisions on less, she pulled the penny out of her pocket and looked at it. ‘What do you have to lose?’ she asked herself. ‘And let’s face it, you’ve got to do something. You can’t carry on like this.’
After turning it over in her fingers again, she wasn’t sure she could be that brave. ‘What do you think, Tom?’ she asked. She looked up to the heavens. ‘Shall I go for it?’
With no answer forthcoming, Annabel took a deep breath. She wrapped the coin up in the palm of her hand for a second and then placed it on her thumb. After a count of three, she flipped the penny high into the air, watching it spin as it first went up and then began coming down.
‘Heads, I keep my promise,’ she said. ‘Tails I don’t.’
Annabel flittered around the kitchen. None of these jobs were necessary, she just hoped that in keeping her hands occupied, her brain would be occupied too. After folding up the tea towel, she straightened up the coffee and sugar caddies, before moving on to wipe up around the sink. She knew she was killing time before Dan’s arrival. She looked at the wall clock – his imminent arrival.
As if on cue, the doorbell suddenly rang and Annabel stopped still. She dropped the dishcloth in the washing up bowl and wiped her damp hands down the sides of her jeans to dry them. ‘This is it,’ she said, her pulse quickening.
As she made her way down the hall, she steeled herself ready. She put on a smile as
she opened the door and gestured him inside. ‘Go through,’ she said, indicating towards the kitchen. ‘Coffee?’ she asked. Following him in, she struggled to look him in the eye and headed straight for the kettle. Her mind raced as she tried to organise her thoughts.
‘Not for me, thanks,’ said Dan. ‘I told Mum I wouldn’t be out long.’
Annabel put it on to boil regardless. ‘How is she?’ she asked.
‘I must say I was surprised to get your call,’ Dan carried on.
Annabel finally turned to face him. She signaled for him to take a seat.
His eyes narrowed in response. ‘Is everything alright?’
‘Please?’ said Annabel, again she pointed to a chair.
She could see his confusion, but refused to be swayed, she had to see this through. Taking the seat opposite, she clasped her hands in front of her as she rested them on the table. ‘We need to talk,’ she said. ‘About us.’
Dan automatically mirrored Annabel’s posture as he straightened himself up in his seat. ‘Okay,’ he said. ‘What is it you want to say.’
‘I don’t think we should see each other anymore,’ she replied.
She watched him take a few seconds as if to absorb her words.
‘Wow,’ he said. ‘I wasn’t expecting that.’
Annabel took in his disappointment. She hadn’t meant to just blurt it out and the last thing she wanted to do was hurt his feelings. But it needed saying. To continue in what they were doing was causing her too much pain, which in the long run affected both of them. ‘I mean it’s not exactly working, is it?’ she said. She tried to sound light, hoping this might soothe the blow.
Dan regained his composure and finally looked her square in the face. ‘I agree,’ he said.
Annabel’s chest all at once felt tight. His sudden coolness came as a surprise. ‘You do?’ she asked.
Dan nodded. ‘Things are getting complicated.’
‘They are?’
Now he appeared to gather his thoughts.
‘I’ve been meaning to tell you.’ He shifted in his seat. ‘I just didn’t know how.’
Annabel waited for him to continue.
‘I’ve met someone,’ he finally said.
21
Annabel continued to push her food around her plate; she knew Katy and Rebecca had meant well. She also knew they were right, ending her arrangement with Dan didn’t mean she had to stop having fun with friends and family. However, turning up, intervention style, to drag her out into the big, wide world hadn’t really been a good idea, no matter what their intention.
After realising she should have stood her ground more and simply point blank refused, Annabel wished she was back in the confines of home. At least there she didn’t have to pretend she was having a good time, she could be as miserable as her heart desired.
She had to give them their due though. So far, Katy and Rebecca hadn’t once mentioned the state of play with Dan. Up to now, topics had included anything but. They’d covered the weather, morning sickness, and the fantastic sales on the high street; their current conversation centred on the latest new movies, which ones to see and which to avoid. Not that Annabel had anything in particular to contribute. She hadn’t watched a film on the telly recently, never mind taken herself off to the big screen.
She zoned out of Katy and Rebecca’s chit-chat altogether and glanced around at her surroundings. Waiting staff, dressed in their all black uniforms, busily flittered about. Cheerful throughout, they delivered the restaurant’s take on home cooked food to some tables, while clearing empty plates away from others. She took in the décor. With its open fires, wooden flooring, and cottage-like theme it looked pleasant enough. Warm and cosy even, thanks to the autumnal colour scheme. A quick peek out of the window, however, revealed its true colours. The adjacent cinema complex and ten pin bowling centre did nothing to counter the fact that a country pub without the countryside didn’t work. The place was trying to be something it wasn’t.
A bit like herself really, thought Annabel, as she sat there with an empty smile on her face while nodding and shaking her head in all the right places; she tried to give off the right vibe without an ounce of authenticity. Not that anyone else seemed to notice the façade, she acknowledged; neither her own nor the building’s.
Annabel found herself thinking about Dan. She wondered if he was coping alright; after all, his mother’s condition was bound to have worsened. She recalled his face the last time they talked. He seemed disappointed to hear her breaking off their arrangement, but at the same time had to acknowledge it was probably for the best. Apparently, he’d been coming to the same conclusion himself since meeting Maeve. Annabel didn’t tell him that she’d seen them together, she didn’t see the point. He’d accepted their arrangement had come to an end and she supposed, in the end, that was all that mattered. She took a deep breath and exhaled. Finally, she could put a name to the long legged, long haired blonde. Annabel pictured them together. They made a handsome couple and she hoped things worked out for the two of them. The proverbial happy ever after being the least Dan deserved.
‘Are you going to eat that?’ asked Rebecca. ‘Or just keep playing with it?’
‘Sorry?’ said Annabel, her attention suddenly caught. She followed her sister’s gaze to her plate. ‘Apologies, I’m just not very hungry.’ At last, she set her fork down.
‘Why don’t you just call him?’ asked Katy.
‘Call who?’
‘You know who,’ said Rebecca.
‘Dan.’ said her friend. Not that she really had to point out the obvious. ‘That is who you’re thinking about, isn’t it?’
Annabel picked up her wine glass. It seemed she’d spoken too soon with regards to their silence on the subject. They both might not mean to go on, but as far as she was concerned, they were beginning to sound like a broken record. Why couldn’t they just accept her dealings with Dan were a thing of the past, no matter how many times they suggested otherwise? ‘Like I keep telling you, I’ve made my decision and there’s no going back.’
Much to Annabel’s annoyance, her sister rolled her eyes not even attempting to hide her frustration.
‘Really?’ said Katy. ‘Because from where I’m sitting, going backwards is exactly what you are doing.’
‘And I have to agree,’ Rebecca joined in.
Annabel sighed. ‘Now there’s a surprise.’
‘Oh come on, look at it from our point of view,’ said her sister. ‘It took a while, but after all the heartache, we finally get a chance to see the real you again. The Annabel that laughs and jokes and isn’t afraid to show herself up. Then just as quickly as you reappear, puff!’ She flicked her fingers out like some sort of magician. ‘You, the woman we all know and love, are back to locking yourself away in that house of yours as if the outside world doesn’t exist.’
Annabel didn’t know what to say. She couldn’t argue. She’d surprised herself at how quickly and easily she’d managed to fall back into her routine.
‘And all in the toss of a coin,’ said Katy.
Rebecca put her hand up in disdain. ‘Don’t remind me,’ she said. ‘Have you ever heard anything so ridiculous?’
It was clear the two of them were never going to give up and Annabel felt cornered, forced to question if this had been on tonight’s agenda all along. To pretend all was well until they got her on neutral ground. Unlike at home, in public she’d have to listen to them and, with a bit of luck on their part, come to her senses. ‘It might seem ridiculous to you,’ she said. ‘But it makes perfect sense to me.’
‘Does it?’ asked Katy. ‘Because I don’t believe you.’
As usual, it seemed Annabel was talking to herself.
‘I think you’re running scared. I think you started out on this journey with Dan thinking you wanted one thing and then you realised you wanted something else. Yes, a baby would give you someone to love and yes, that love would be reciprocated. I get that. But we both know a baby isn’t enou
gh anymore, why else would you call this pregnancy thing off? You want the whole package and that freaks you out.’
Annabel took a sip of her wine. The evening was going from bad to worse, and fast. The last thing she needed was another lecture. The last thing she needed was someone telling her how she felt. ‘I almost had the whole package with Tom,’ she said. ‘And look where that got me. As for your scoffing, Rebecca, be it a penny or a couple of quid, people put their futures in the hands of the Money Gods all the time. You only have to look to the lottery to see that.’
‘What? And now that these Money Gods have spoken, we’re supposed to just accept it, are we? We’re supposed to get on with our lives knowing you’re sitting in front of the box night after night turning into some sort of amoeba? You’ll be telling me you’re going to get a cat next.’
‘Funny you should say that,’ said Annabel.
Desperate to change the subject, she knew she was just being mean, that she didn’t really have any such plan. But her sister hated cats with a passion and Annabel knew that to even imply getting a feline friend would be enough to send the woman off on a tangent.
‘Jesus,’ said Rebecca, true to form. ‘Mrs. Miggins down the street got a cat when her husband died.’
Annabel sat back, relieved to see her cunning plan play out.
‘Granted she’s a lot older than you, but one soon turned into two and then three and you know what cats are like. Before anyone knew it, she had a house full.’ She pursed her lips, shuddering at the thought. ‘Talk about a giant litter tray.’
‘Look,’ said her friend, keen to get their original discussion back on track. ‘We all know how special Tom was.’
Bugger! thought Annabel. Trust her to bring things into line.
‘Even though he’s no longer here, how special he still is. And what happened, well it’s beyond words. But that doesn’t mean you can’t find happiness again, Annabel.’
The Trouble With Words: a heart-warming romantic comedy Page 18
