by Rob Elliott
LAUGH-OUT-LOUD
JOKES FOR KIDS
Rob Elliott
© 2010 by Robert E. Teigen
Published by Revell
a division of Baker Publishing Group
P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287
www.revellbooks.com
E-book edition created 2010
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—for example, electronic, photocopy, recording—without the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.
ISBN 978-1-4412-1332-7
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.
I’d like to dedicate this book to my wife Joanna, who I found out is better at coming up with kids’ jokes than I am!
And to
Joshua Bay, Emma Ruth, Leah Rose, and Anna Beth
I want to dedicate this joke book to you because you are some of the greatest joys and blessings that God has given me this side of heaven. I know I’ve laughed more and smiled more in the years that you’ve been a part of my life than ever before, so here is a little something to return the favor. Children really are a blessing from the Lord (Psalm 127:3) and I’ve been blessed beyond what I deserve or ever imagined.
CONTENTS
1
Q & A Jokes
2
Awesome Animal Jokes
3
Knock Knock Jokes
4
Tongue Twisters
5
Some Things to Think About
1
Q & A JOKES
Q: Why did the robber wash his clothes before he ran away with the loot?
A: He wanted to make a clean getaway.
Q: How does a skeleton call his friends?
A: On the tele-bone.
Q: What is the richest kind of air?
A: A millionaire.
Q: Who keeps the ocean clean?
A: The mermaid.
Q: Why did the invisible man turn down a job offer?
A: He just couldn’t see himself doing it.
Q: Why did the skeleton drink eight glasses of milk every day?
A: Milk is good for the bones.
Q: Why did Johnny jump up and down before he drank his juice?
A: The carton said to “shake well before drinking.”
Q: What is a baby’s favorite reptile?
A: A rattlesnake.
Q: What does a snowman eat for breakfast?
A: Frosted Flakes.
Q: Where do generals keep their armies?
A: In their sleevies.
Q: How do you make a hot dog stand?
A: Take away its chair.
Q: What kind of balls don’t bounce?
A: Eyeballs.
Q: Why can’t you play hide-and-seek with mountains?
A: Because they’re always peaking.
Q: What did the bride say when she dropped her bouquet?
A: “Whoopsy-Daisies.”
Q: Why did Jimmy’s parents scream when they saw his grades?
A: Because he had a bee on his report card.
Q: What do you call a stick that won’t do anything you want?
A: A stick-in-the-mud.
Q: What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
A: Bacon and legs.
Q: What do you get when you cross a tiger and a snowman?
A: Frostbite!
Q: What is a duck on the Fourth of July?
A: A fire-quacker.
Q: Why did the credit card go to jail?
A: It was guilty as charged.
Q: What would we get if we threw all the books in the ocean?
A: A title wave!
Q: What do you call a liar on the phone?
A: A telephony.
Q: What do peanut butter and jelly do around the campfire?
A: They tell toast stories.
Q: What did the baker say when he found the dough he’d lost?
A: “That’s just what I kneaded!”
Q: Why did the flashlight, the camera, and the remote-controlled car attend the funeral?
A: They were grieving the dead batteries.
Q: Why wouldn’t the team play with the third basketball?
A: Because it was an odd ball.
Q: Where do electric bills like to go on vacation?
A: I-Owe-A (Iowa).
Q: Why did the queen go to the dentist?
A: To get crowns on her teeth.
Q: How did the lobster get to the ocean?
A: By shell-icopter.
Q: When does the road get angry?
A: When someone crosses it.
Q: Why was the king only a foot tall?
A: Because he was a ruler.
Q: What did the robber say when he stole from the bookstore?
A: “I had better book it out of here.”
Q: Why did Sally’s computer keep sneezing?
A: It had a virus.
Q: When do doctors get mad?
A: When they lose their patients (patience).
Q: Why did Jimmy throw the clock out the window?
A: He wanted to see time fly.
Q: What language does a billboard speak?
A: Sign language.
Q: Why didn’t the girl trust the ocean?
A: There was something fishy about it.
Q: What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
A: Cuatro sinko.
Q: How did the baseball player lose his house?
A: He made his home run.
Q: Who was the only person in the Bible without a father?
A: Joshua, because he was the son of Nun (none).
Q: Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A: He wanted some cold hard cash.
Q: What did the one-dollar bill say to the ten-dollar bill?
A: You don’t make any cents (sense).
Q: What happens when race car drivers eat too much?
A: They get Indy-gestion.
Q: Why do baseball pitchers stay away from caves?
A: They don’t like bats.
Q: What kind of tree has the best bark?
A: A dogwood.
Q: What kind of makeup do pirate girls wear?
A: Ship gloss.
Q: When do you need Chapstick in the garden?
A: When you’re planting the tulips (two lips).
Q: Why did the trees take a nap?
A: For rest (forest).
Q: What is a zucchini’s favorite game?
A: Squash.
Q: Why wouldn’t the lion eat the clown?
A: He tasted funny.
Q: What kinds of hats do you wear on your legs?
A: Knee caps.
Q: How do you reach a book in an emergency?
A: Call its pager.
Q: Who helped the monster go to the ball?
A: Its scary godmother.
Q: Why did the banana wear sunscreen at the beach?
A: It didn’t want to peel.
Q: Where does a ship go when it’s not feeling well?
A: To see the dock-tor.
Q: Why was the nose feeling sad?
A: It was tired of getting picked on.
Q: What did the elevator say to its friend?
A: “I think I’m coming down with something.”
Q: Why did Billy have a hot dog in his shoe?
A: It was a foot-long.
Q: What gets wet while it dries?
A: A towel.
Q: How did the farmer fix his jeans?
; A: With a cabbage patch.
Q: What do you call a silly doorbell?
A: A ding-dong.
Q: What did the sock say to the foot?
A: “Shoe!”
Q: When do you stop at green and go on red?
A: When you’re eating a watermelon.
Q: What did one tube of glue say to the other?
A: “Let’s stick together.”
Q: What did one wall say to the other?
A: “Let’s meet at the corner!”
Q: Did you hear about the red ship and blue ship that collided?
A: All the sailors were marooned.
Q: Why did the girl need a ladder to go to school?
A: Because it was high school.
Q: What do sea monsters eat?
A: Fish and ships.
Q: What does a computer do when it’s tired?
A: It crashes.
Q: What did the tooth fairy use to fix her wand?
A: Toothpaste.
Q: Why did the computer get glasses?
A: To improve his web sight.
Q: What stays in the corner but travels all over the world?
A: A stamp.
Q: What did the computer say when it fell into quicksand?
A: “Help me! I’m syncing!”
Q: What do you get when you have two doctors at once?
A: Pair-a-medics.
Q: What should you do when you get in a jam?
A: Grab some bread and peanut butter.
Q: How can you go surfing in the kitchen?
A: On a micro-wave.
Q: Why was everyone looking up at the ceiling and cheering?
A: They were ceiling fans.
Q: Why did the cowboy go out and buy a wiener dog?
A: Because someone told him to “get a long, little doggie.”
Q: What is a trombone’s favorite playground equipment?
A: The slide.
Q: How can you keep someone in suspense?
A: I’ll tell you later.
Q: What happened to the beans when they showed up late to work?
A: They got canned.
Q: Why can’t you take anything balloons say seriously?
A: They’re always full of hot air.
Q: What happens when you phone a clown three times?
A: You get a three-ring circus.
Q: What do you get when you have breakfast with a centipede?
A: Pancakes and legs.
Q: What do you call someone who is afraid of picnics?
A: A basket case.
Q: How does an Eskimo fix his broken toys?
A: With igloo.
Q: What kind of flowers are great friends?
A: Rose buds.
Q: What do you get when you cross a tuba, a drum, and a spare tire?
A: A rubber band.
Q: Why did the lady sing lullabies to her purse?
A: She wanted a sleeping bag.
Q: What did the orange say to the banana when they were looking for the apple?
A: Keep your eyes peeled.
Q: Did you hear about the teacher who was cross-eyed?
A: She couldn’t control her pupils.
Q: What kinds of teeth cost money?
A: Buck teeth.
Q: What do you call a dentist who cleans an alligator’s teeth?
A: Crazy!
Q: If a snake married an undertaker, what would they embroider on their towels?
A: Hiss and Hearse (his and hers).
Q: What is the difference between boogers and broccoli?
A: Kids won’t eat their broccoli.
Q: What do elves learn in kindergarten?
A: The elf-abet.
Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case he got a hole in one.
Q: Why didn’t the skeleton go to the ball?
A: He had no body to dance with.
Q: What kind of beans don’t grow in a garden?
A: Jelly beans.
Q: Why can’t a nose be twelve inches long?
A: If it was, then it would be a foot.
Q: When does your dinner never get hot?
A: When it’s chili.
Q: Why did the boys shoot their BB guns in the air?
A: They wanted to shoot the breeze.
Q: Why were the Cheerios scared of the man?
A: He was a cereal killer.
Q: Why did the baseball player go to jail?
A: He stole second base.
Q: Why couldn’t the twelve-year-old go to the pirate movie?
A: It was rated arrrgh.
Q: How did Benjamin Franklin feel about discovering electricity?
A: He was shocked.
Q: What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
A: Nacho cheese.
Q: How much did the butcher charge for his venison?
A: A buck.
Q: What does a rain cloud wear under its clothes?
A: Thunderwear.
Q: How did Thomas Edison invent the lightbulb?
A: He got a bright idea.
Q: Why did the lettuce win the race?
A: He was a head.
Q: Where did the most talkative people in the Bible live?
A: Babylon (babble on).
Q: Why was the broom late for school?
A: It over-swept.
Q: What did the alien say to the flower bed?
A: “Take me to your weeder.”
Q: What kind of button won’t you find at a sewing store?
A: A belly button.
Q: Why did the lady throw her butter out the window?
A: She wanted to see a butterfly.
Q: Why did the ninja go to the doctor?
A: He had kung-flu.
Q: What did the grape do when the lemon asked for a kiss?
A: It puckered up.
Q: Why couldn’t the monster go to sleep?
A: It was afraid there were kids under the bed.
Q: How long does it take to count four times infinity?
A: Four-ever.
Q: Who fills your tank at the gas station?
A: Philip (fill up).
Q: What is an alien’s favorite kind of candy?
A: A Mars bar.
Q: How do you get a skeleton to laugh out loud?
A: Tickle its funny bone.
Q: What do you take before every meal?
A: You take a seat.
Q: What did the mother corn say to her children?
A: “Don’t forget to wash behind your ears.”
Q: Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floor?
A: It was just a stage he was going through.
Q: What did the tomato say to the mushroom?
A: “You look like a fungi.”
Q: Why are babies so good at basketball?
A: Because they like to dribble.
Teacher: Name two days of the week that start with a “t.”
Student: Today and tomorrow.
Teacher: Billy, you missed school yesterday.
Billy: Well, to tell you the truth, I didn’t miss it that much at all.
Fred: Today the teacher was yelling at me for something I didn’t do.
Mike: What was that?
Fred: My homework.
Q: Why did the cookie complain about feeling sick?
A: He was feeling crummy.
Q: Why is spaghetti the smartest food there is?
A: It always uses its noodle.
Q: What do you call a student who never turns in his math homework on time?
A: A calcu-later.
Q: How did the karate teacher greet his students?
A: “Hi-Yah!”
Q: Why did the bed wear a disguise?
A: It was undercover.
Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A: A stick.
Q: When do pine trees like to do embroidery?
A: When they do needlepoint.
Q: What is a baby’s motto?
A: If at first you don’t succeed, cry, cry again.
Q: Where do you keep your jokes?
A: In a giggle box.
Q: Why did the lady wear a helmet every time she ate?
A: She was on a crash diet.
Q: Why did the hot dog turn down the chance to star in a movie?
A: None of the roles (rolls) were good enough.
Josh: Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Anna: What about it?
Josh: It has great food but no atmosphere.
Q: What do you call a fairy that doesn’t take a bath?
A: Stinkerbell.
Q: What did one candle say to the other?
A: “Do you want to go out tonight?”
Q: What is a plumber’s favorite vegetable?
A: A leek.
Q: How did the French fry propose to the hamburger?
A: He gave her an onion ring.
Q: What has four legs and one head but only one foot?
A: A bed.
Q: What do potatoes wear to bed?
A: Yammies.
Q: What fruit teases people a lot?
A: A bana na na na na na!
Q: Why was the metal wire so upset?
A: It was getting all bent out of shape over nothing.
Q: What do you call the story of the three little pigs?
A: A pigtail.
Q: What did the peanut butter say to the bread?
A: “Quit loafing around.”
Q: What did the bread say back to the peanut butter?
A: “I think you’re nuts.”
Q: What kind of lights did Noah use on the ark?
A: Flood lights.
Q: How did the orange get into the crowded restaurant?
A: He squeezed his way in.
Q: Why can’t the bank keep a secret?
A: It has too many tellers.
Q: Why was the sewing machine so funny?
A: It kept everyone in stitches.
Q: Why did the hamburger always lose the race?
A: It could never ketchup.
Q: How do you punish a naughty eyeball?
A: Give it fifty lashes.
Q: Why was the rope so stressed out?
A: It was getting itself all tied in knots.
Q: What did the math book say to the psychiatrist?
A: “Would you like to hear my problems?”
Q: What do you call a fossil that never does any work?
A: A lazy bones.
Q: What did the pen say to the pencil?
A: “You’re sure looking sharp today.”
Q: What is green and can sing?
A: Elvis Parsley.
Q: Why didn’t the string ever win a race?
A: It was always tied.
Q: What is the best food to eat when you’re scared?
A: I scream.
Q: How do you get a tissue to dance?
