“I love you too. I really meant what I said before. I just got this weird feeling about him.”
“Oh shut up,” Victoria said, laughing, and gave her a sisterly shove. “Have fun at tennis. Call and tell me how it was.” Victoria wasn’t leaving for New York till the morning. There was nothing to stay for once Gracie left the house, nothing to keep Victoria there. There hadn’t been in years.
The three of them walked back to the enormous parking lot and found her father’s car. Victoria got into the backseat, and they rode in silence all the way home, each of them lost in thought, thinking how fast it had all gone. One minute Gracie was a baby, a toddler careening around the room at full speed, Victoria was taking her to first grade and kissing her goodbye, then suddenly she was a teenager, and now this. And they all knew with sadness and certainty that the next four years would wing past them just as fast.
Chapter 16
Their collective fear that Gracie’s college years would rush by too quickly proved to be true. It happened in the blink of an eye, and the next thing they all knew, she was graduating from USC. She was in a cap and gown, and her parents and older sister saw her hat fly high in the air again. It was over. Four years of college. She had a bachelor’s degree in English and communications, and hadn’t figured out how to use it yet. She wanted to work for a magazine or a newspaper, but hadn’t started interviewing yet. She was taking the summer off and planned to look for a job in September. And she had their father’s blessing. She was going to Europe with friends in July, to Spain and Italy, and her boyfriend was going with them, and then the two of them were meeting up with his parents in the South of France. Her prediction on her first day at USC had almost materialized. They weren’t married, but Harry Wilkes had been her boyfriend for all four years of college, and Gracie’s father heartily approved. They were indeed the family that had donated the hall of the same name. Harry had graduated from business school the year before, and he was working for his father in an investment banking firm. He was solid as a rock, her father liked to say, and a very good catch. He was with them along with half a dozen of her friends when they went to lunch after graduation, and Victoria noticed them talking conspiratorially at the other end of the table, and then he kissed her and she smiled.
Victoria liked Harry, although she thought him a little too controlling, and she wished her younger sister had been more adventurous while she was in college. She had been with Harry constantly. She had left the dorms in junior year to live in an apartment with him off campus, and they were still living together now. Victoria thought she was too young to be so settled so early and limited to one boy. And he reminded her a little of her father, which made her nervous too. Harry had opinions about everything, and Gracie endorsed all of them, with no differences of her own. Victoria didn’t want her turning into their mother one day. A shadow of her husband, put on earth to enhance him and make him feel good about himself. What about her?
But there was no denying that Gracie was happy with Harry. And Victoria had been shocked when her parents made no objection to the two of them living together. She was sure they wouldn’t have done the same for her. And when she had mentioned it to her father, he told her not to be so uptight and old-fashioned, but part of that was because Harry’s family had so much money. Victoria was sure that they wouldn’t have been as easygoing if Harry Wilkes were poor. She had said as much to Helen, and Harlan and John, whenever she talked to them about it. She worried about Gracie a lot. She was always fearful that Gracie had been brainwashed by their parents into pursuing all the wrong ideals.
The luncheon celebration had started late after graduation and went on until four in the afternoon. They finally left the table, and Gracie went to return her rented cap and gown. She handed Victoria her diploma for safekeeping, and said Harry was going to drive her home. They were going out with friends that night. Harry was driving the Ferrari his parents had given him when he graduated from business school. Victoria saw them kiss as soon as they walked away, and it seemed only yesterday that he had been standing holding a tennis racket outside her dorm the day she moved in as a freshman.
“I must be getting old,” Victoria said to her father as they got in his car and drove away. She was turning twenty-nine. “She was five years old about five minutes ago. How did we get here?”
“Damned if I know. I feel the same way about you.” He even managed to look sentimental as he said it, which surprised Victoria.
During Gracie’s four years in college, Victoria had gone out with a few men she’d met here and there, an attorney, a teacher, a stockbroker, a journalist. But none of them had mattered to her, and the relationships had only lasted a few weeks or months. She was the head of the English department at Madison now, and still living in the same apartment. She shared it with only Harlan and John. They each used a second bedroom as a study. Bunny had gotten married three years before and had two children. She had just moved to Washington, D.C., with her husband and babies. He had a State Department job, which they all suspected was really CIA, and she was a stay-at-home mom. Harlan was still working at the Costume Institute, and John was teaching at the same school in the Bronx. And she had stopped seeing Dr. Watson two years before. There was nothing more to say to her. They had covered the same territory many times, and they agreed. There were no mysteries left to discover. Her parents had given her a raw deal and poured all their love into her sister, and had never had any for her, even before Gracie was born. In plain talk, she’d been screwed, but she loved her sister dearly anyway. And she had very little feeling for her parents, neither anger nor affection. They were selfish, self-centered people who should never have had children at all, or not her anyway. Gracie suited them. She didn’t. And Victoria was doing fine in spite of it. Victoria felt that Dr. Watson had helped her a great deal. She still had the same parents, and a problem with her weight, but she was dealing with both more successfully than before.
She still hadn’t found the man of her dreams and maybe she never would, but she loved her job, she was still teaching seniors, and her weight still fluctuated up and down. Her eating habits depended on the weather, her job, the state of her love life or lack of it, or her mood. At the moment she was heavier than she liked. She hadn’t had a date in about a year, but she always insisted that her weight had nothing to do with her love life and the two weren’t related. Harlan was always vocal about disagreeing with her, and pointed out that she gained weight, and ate more, when she was lonely and miserable. They had put a treadmill in the living room, and a rowing machine, both of which she had contributed to, and she never used them. Harlan and John always did.
Victoria was going back to New York the morning after Gracie’s graduation, and she had dinner with her parents at home that night. It was a sacrifice she made at least once in every trip. Her father was talking about retiring early in a few years. Her mother was still a fanatical bridge player. And Victoria had less and less to say to them every year. Her father’s jokes about her weight weren’t amusing, and now he had added to them comments about the fact that she wasn’t married, didn’t have a boyfriend, and wasn’t likely to have kids. He tied it all to her weight. She didn’t argue about it with him anymore, or try to defend herself or explain. She just let the comments and wisecracks go by without answering them. They never changed. And he still thought her job was a total waste of time.
At dinner, he talked about getting Gracie a job as a copywriter at his ad agency, after she came home from Europe. Victoria was helping her mother load the dishwasher after dinner when Gracie came home unexpectedly. Since she was living with Harry, she didn’t drop by very often, and they were all surprised to see her, and pleased. Her cheeks were pink and her eyes were sparkling as she stood in the kitchen and looked at them. And Victoria had a sudden flutter in her stomach as Gracie blurted out the words she feared.
“I’m engaged!” There was a deadly silence in the room for a fraction of a second, and then her father let out a whoop and
spun her around in his arms as he had when she was a child.
“Bravo! Well done! Where’s Harry? I want to congratulate him too!”
“He dropped me off. He went to tell his parents,” she said happily, as Victoria went back to the dishes without a word. And their mother was clucking and flapping and hugged her daughter. And with that, Gracie stuck out her small hand, and they could see a large round diamond ring on her finger. It was really happening. It was true.
“This is just like your father and me,” her mother said excitedly. “We got engaged the night we graduated. And married at Christmas.” They all knew. “When’s the wedding?” she asked, as though she wanted to start planning it right away. They didn’t question for a minute what she was doing, or if she was too young, for obvious reasons relating to Harry. They thought it was a great idea, and a major coup for their daughter to marry a Wilkes. It was all about their egos, not what might be best for Gracie. Victoria finally turned around then, and looked at her younger sister with worried eyes.
“Don’t you think you’re too young?” she asked honestly. Gracie was just twenty-two, and Harry was twenty-seven, which was still young in Victoria’s opinion.
“We’ve been dating for four years,” Gracie said as though that made it all right, but it didn’t to her sister. It made it worse. She never gave herself a chance to grow on her own, develop her own opinions, or meet other boys in college, or even date them.
“Some of my high school kids have dated people for four years. They’re not old enough to get married either. I’m worried about you,” she said honestly. “You’re twenty-two years old. You need a real job, a career, some independence, and your own life before you settle down and get married. What’s the rush?” For a minute she was terrified that she might be pregnant, but she didn’t think she was. Gracie had announced that she was going to marry him the first day they met. And now it had happened. He was her dream come true. This was what Gracie wanted, and she looked angry at Victoria for the questions she was asking and the obvious lack of enthusiasm she showed.
“Can’t you be happy for me?” she asked petulantly. “Does everything have to be the way you think it should be? I’m happy. I love Harry. I don’t care about a career. I don’t have a vocation like you. I just want to be Harry’s wife!” It didn’t seem like enough to Victoria, but maybe Gracie was right. And who was she to decide?
“I’m sorry,” she said sadly. They hadn’t had an argument in years. And the last one had been about their parents, when Gracie had hotly defended them to her sister, and Victoria told her how wrong she was. She had finally backed down, because her sister was too young to understand, and was one of them anyway. And this time she felt the same way. Victoria was the one who was different again, who wasn’t happy for her and dared to say it, who didn’t fit in. “I just want you to be happy, and have the best life you can. And I think you’re very young.”
“It looks like she’s going to have a good life to me,” her father said, pointing at the ring. Seeing him do that made Victoria feel sick. And she knew she wasn’t jealous. But having a daughter who was married to a rich man was going to be a perfect complement to her father’s narcissism. With the ring on her finger, Gracie had become a trophy, proof of his success as a father, that he had raised a daughter who could marry a rich man. Victoria hated what it meant. And Gracie didn’t see it. She was too wrapped up in her own life, and too afraid to go out in the real world, get a job, meet new people, make something of herself. So she was marrying Harry instead. And just as Victoria thought it, Harry walked into the kitchen, beaming, and Gracie jumped into his arms. It was easy to see how happy she was, and no one wanted to deny that to her. Their father clapped Harry on the back, and their mother went to get a bottle of champagne, which Jim opened immediately, and poured a glass for each of them, as Victoria looked at them and smiled nostalgically. The milestones were moving faster now. Graduation from high school, college, and now she was engaged. It was a lot to digest all at once. And putting her objections aside, Victoria walked across the room and hugged Harry, for her sister’s sake, as Gracie looked at her, relieved. She didn’t want anyone interfering with what she was doing, trying to stop her, or challenging her. This was her dream.
“So when’s the big day? Have you set the date?” her father asked, after they toasted the couple and each took a sip of champagne. Harry and Gracie were beaming at each other again, and Harry answered for her, which was one of the things Victoria didn’t like about him. Gracie had a voice too, and she wanted her to use it. She hoped the wedding wouldn’t be too soon.
“June,” Harry said, smiling at his tiny bride. “We have a lot to organize before then. Gracie is going to be busy planning the wedding.” He glanced from his future mother-in-law to his future sister-in-law, as though he expected them to drop everything and get to work on the wedding too. “We’re figuring on four or five hundred people,” he said blithely, without consulting the bride’s parents to ask if that was okay. He hadn’t asked for her hand either. He had proposed, but he also had known that Jim Dawson would approve. Grace’s mother looked like she was going to faint when she heard the number of guests at the wedding. But Jim looked pleased as he opened another bottle of champagne and poured another round.
“You ladies can figure all of that out,” he said, smiling first at Harry and then at his wife and daughters. “All I have to do is pay the bills.” Victoria stood watching her father, thinking that he was a sellout, but this was the kind of match he wanted for his daughter, without questioning if she was too young or if it might be a mistake. And Victoria knew that if she said anything to them, she would then be accused of being the overweight older daughter who didn’t have a boyfriend and couldn’t find a husband, who was jealous of her beautiful younger sister and wanted to stand in her way.
They finished the second bottle of champagne, and everyone hugged the young couple again. Harry said his parents wanted to have dinner with them sometime soon. And Victoria got a chance to hug her sister again.
“I love you. I’m sorry if I upset you.”
“It’s okay,” Gracie whispered. “I just want you to be happy for me.” Victoria nodded. She didn’t know what to say. And then the newly engaged couple went on their way. They were meeting friends and going to a party, and Gracie wanted to show off her ring. Victoria heard her BlackBerry come to life after they left, and checked it. It was from her sister. “I love you. Be happy for me.” Victoria answered just as quickly with the only response she could give her. Her response said, “I love you too.”
“Well, you’ve got a year to plan the wedding,” Jim said to Christine as soon as Grace and Harry left. “That’ll keep you busy. You may even have to take some time off from bridge.” As he said it, Victoria got another text. It was from Gracie again.
“Maid of honor?” it said, and Victoria smiled. They were going to rope her into this one way or another, but she wouldn’t have dreamed of denying her sister, or herself, that honor, if she was going through with this.
“Yes. Thank you. Of course!” she answered Gracie by text. So she was the maid of honor, and her baby sister was getting married. It had been quite a day!
Chapter 17
As soon as Victoria flew back to New York, two days after Gracie’s graduation, she called Dr. Watson. Her psychiatrist was still in the same place, with the same number, and called Victoria back on her cell phone that night. And she asked how she had been. She said she was fine and was anxious to see her, so Dr. Watson managed to squeeze her in the next day. She noticed when Victoria walked in that she looked slightly more grown up but essentially the same. She hadn’t changed. Victoria was wearing black jeans, a white T-shirt, and sandals. It was a hot New York summer day. And her weight was about the same as it had been the last time they met. No better and no worse.
“Is everything all right?” the psychiatrist asked her, sounding concerned. “You sounded like it was urgent.”
“I think it is. I think I
’m having some kind of wake-up call or identity crisis or something.” She had been upset since graduation day. It was hard enough watching Gracie graduate, without having her get engaged on the same day. “My little sister got engaged a few days ago. She’s twenty-two years old. She got engaged on her graduation day from college, just like my parents. They think it’s fine since the man she’s marrying, or wants to, has tons of money. I think they’re all crazy. She’s twenty-two years old. She won’t have a job, he doesn’t want her to. She wanted to work in journalism, now she doesn’t care. And she’s going to end up just like my mother, being a backdrop for him, and seconding all his opinions, of which her fiancé has many, just like my father. She’s going to lose herself married to this guy, and the thought of it is making me crazy for her. And all she wants to do is get married. I think she’s too young. Or maybe I’m just jealous because I have no life. All I have is a job I love. That’s it. And if I say anything about thinking she shouldn’t get married, to her or my parents, they’ll think it’s sour grapes.” The story poured out of her like marbles rolling down a hill.
“Is it sour grapes?” the shrink asked her bluntly.
“I don’t know.” Victoria was always honest with her.
“What do you want, Victoria?” the doctor pressed her. She knew it was time to do that now. Victoria was ready. “Not for her. For yourself.”
“I don’t know,” she said again, but the doctor knew better.
“Yes, you do. Stop worrying about your sister. Think of yourself. Why are you back here? What do you want?” Tears filled Victoria’s eyes as she listened to the question. She did know. She was just afraid to say it, or admit it to herself.
“I want a life,” she said softly. “I want a man in my life. I want what my sister wants. The difference is I’m old enough to have it, and I never will.” Her voice suddenly grew stronger, and she felt braver. “I want a life, a man, and I want to lose twenty-five pounds by next June, or at least twenty.” It was clear.
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