by T Gephart
Thank God for the band. My mouth kept busy keeping my attention safely in their direction, the old connections rekindling with very little effort. It was like I’d almost never been gone, the ease of each conversation making it easier to forget the man I wanted to lick from head to toe was standing not more than two feet away. All was going well too, with affectionate hugs exchanged. All until I mentioned babysitting Angie’s little boy.
Not that the offer wasn’t genuine, but I’ll admit that the loved up feeling in the room had me lose control of my mouth. The spur of the moment decision not really thought out.
“Ladies, your drinks.” Max returned from hunting and gathering, a handful of longneck beers, his bounty. Jules’ request for beverages had bought me more time to get my mouth back under control.
“Thanks.” I took one without making eye contact while trying to keep my libido in check.
Not that I believed that not looking at him actually guaranteed anything, chances were that given half a chance I was still going to end up naked in his bed. Which is why I brought in reinforcements. Jules—my secret weapon—who was doing a wonderful job at slipping in between Max and me whenever he got within touching distance. And it wasn’t his hands I was worried about.
The conversation continued without me as the cold crisp pilsner slid down my throat, my eyes happening to stray while I tried to focus on what was actually being said. Not that I had planned where they might end up, the silly things having a mind of their own as they roamed without purpose. There was no need to guess where they landed.
They had started at his heavy, thick-soled boots doing the slow tilt as they traveled up his body. His denim clad legs the next part to get my attention, my trip pausing when it got to his strong thighs. Oh, Yes. I tried not to lick my lips as I continued further north. The fly of his jeans was doing a freaking magnificent job fighting to keep all of that contained. And had it not been completely inappropriate I would have searched the label so I knew best where to direct my admiration and respect.
But it wasn’t just the jeans that got all the praise; the cotton of his T-shirt stretching out, wrapping around his chest like it was hanging on for dear life. The hard lines of his chest and abs begged to be unwrapped. Which I would have happily done, it would be the compassionate thing to do.
And all of this would have been fine—the silent appreciation of his fine form—if I had stopped there.
Which I hadn’t.
Oh shit.
Busted.
His eyes locked on mine, the raised eyebrow and smile hinting they had been watching the entire time.
And because the universe seriously hated me or had an extremely warped sense of humor, Jules picked that exact moment to excuse herself to go to the bathroom. Leaving me there to deal all by myself.
If she’d only had the call of nature a second or two earlier, it could have been my out, but noooooooooooo she had to wait. Her announcement missed as Max’s and my eyes tangoed in a heat.
“Something on your mind, Beth?” Max’s head tilted to the side. Go on, tell me you weren’t just undressing me while everyone else was oblivious. The taunt not needed to be said.
“Nope, nothing on my mind at all.” I tried to wipe all thoughts from my mind in case he had some freaky mind reading abilities. “Completely blank.” I shoved the beer to my lips so they’d stop moving.
The others—thank you, baby Jesus—hadn’t noticed. Each of them too involved with fans and their own conversations to worry about what I had been doing. All except Max, who had given me his full attention.
“Why don’t you take a walk with me?” He pulled the half-consumed beer from my hand and placed it on the bar.
I’d been paying so much attention to clearing my thoughts I hadn’t noticed his hand was now resting on the small of my back. Damn Jules and her need to pee. This was exactly why I had needed a buffer; I couldn’t be trusted to multitask.
“I probably shouldn’t, Jules might come back and not know where I’ve gone.” Could I have given a lamer excuse? Probably not which is why I had said this one.
“I think she’ll work it out. It’s not like you would leave without her.” Max’s hand hadn’t moved, nor had his intention. “Besides, we’ll probably be back before she is.”
“Don’t do it,” my brain screamed, but neglected to give me one workable excuse.
“If we’re not going to be long—”
“We won’t.”
My head nodded before my mouth could answer. Not that there was ever any doubt on what that answer would be. Which is why I was here in the first place, my inability to resist whenever Max was added to the equation.
“Just this way.” His hand guided me through the sea of people and to a narrow closed door. The handle opened as soon as he turned it, his body stepping through the doorway first before mine obediently followed.
I expected it to be dark, a narrow corridor with dim lighting. And it was exactly how I’d imagined. A perfect venue for him to push me up against the wall and take my mouth like he had last night.
But he didn’t, instead continuing to walk until we got to another door, this one just as compliant as the first and with a quick twist of his wrist flooding the corridor with exceptionally bright light, the overhead LEDs blinding me momentarily as we stepped inside.
“Ummm . . .” The dots from my vision had started to fade, the room obviously some sort of backstage area if the couch and the two tired chairs were anything to go by.
“I have a strong case of déjà vu.” His hand moved to my arms and held me still, even though I had nowhere to go. With the door directly behind him, I’d have to tackle him to leave and I wasn’t that strong. “Oh, I know why. We had a very similar conversation earlier today.”
“I’m confused.” I didn’t even bother trying to lie. I mean, what was the point? I was terrible at it. “I’m attracted to you, obviously.” Really obviously. “And I don’t regret last night, but I think it meant something different to you than it probably did to me.”
Not that I had fully fleshed out what it had meant to me. But the common theme was that while it had been mind-blowing—exactly what my body needed—it wasn’t going to work for the other part of me. My brain.
“That would mean you knew what I thought.” He circled his hands around my waist. “And seeing as you haven’t asked, I doubt you do.”
“Maybe. So I’m guessing. But I know that continuing to do what we did would be a bad idea.” Well done, me. Stick with the script. Sex equals bad, even if it felt good.
Max didn’t seem to be getting the message nor was he removing his hands. Of course I hadn’t asked him to, my body still torn I was making the right decision.
“And how did you come to this wonderful conclusion?” I was surprised the heat from his eyes alone hadn’t burned the clothes right off my body. And while I hadn’t asked him what he wanted, he was making it very clear.
“It’s so hard to think when you look at me that way.” I swallowed, the effort making it hard to breathe.
“Then maybe you shouldn’t think.”
“No, no.” My hands flew up between us like that would be a sufficient reliable barrier. “I want to really try something new, Max. I want us to do this without the sex this time. I want us not to end up back in a relationship.”
It was the first time ever we had talked about breaking up or getting back together.
First time ever.
Which was huge considering the amount of times those things happened. But this was important. Adults talk things out, we were more than two wandering bags of hormones.
“We both know we’re not going to avoid each other.” Nor did I want to. “Clearly I suck at all of this considering I am probably sending mixed messages.” Sleeping with him then pulling away. Yeah, it wasn’t the right thing to do.
“But this time it has to be as friends. Only friends. Ones that don’t kiss and don’t end up in bed together.”
I was glad when I�
��d finally said the words. Glad that I hadn’t punked out like the last few times and glad that it was finally my brain running the show.
“I want you.” And judging by the way he was looking at me he most definitely meant it. “I’m not going to pretend I don’t so it’s easier for you to hear. I want all of you. Unrestricted.”
“That’s not on offer, Max. I’m sorry.” I had to look away.
The scrambled thoughts in my head jostled for position as I continued to fight an internal war. Max and I weren’t meant to be. Not romantically. If we were supposed to have worked out, it would have happened already.
“Give me a good reason.” His hands moved to my jaw and brought my attention back to him. “And not some crazy thought process where you assumed you knew what I thought.”
“Because seeing you again made me realize how much I missed you.” The words were so hard for me to say. “How much I still care about you and if we do this again, I just know it’s going to end badly. We had a good run. If we do it and then—then it finishes, I know it will be forever. I’m not ready for that.”
“You can’t know the future, Beth.” His voice was soothing as he swept of his thumb along my jaw. “You can’t know what is going to happen.”
“It’s because I don’t know what’s going to happen that it has to be like this. I was worried about coming here tonight. Worried about seeing you because I knew I’d want to kiss you and I don’t want to feel like that. I want us to be able to see each other. To be friends.”
“Oh please tell me you aren’t giving me the let’s be friends speech.” The chuckle bubbled in his throat. “We’ve always been friends. And it always ends up as more.”
“Just not this time.”
“I’m not sure I can go there with you.” He shook his head, confused why I had decided now was the time to flip the switch on our merry-go-round.
“You can, and it will be better than what we had before, I promise.”
“Then why do I want to kiss you right now? And not in a friendly way.” He moved his head closer, his nose skating across mine.
“And right now, I would probably let you. But it would go nowhere.” Not long term, not in a way that would matter.
“Then let’s find out.”
Before I could answer he did what he had threatened to do. Because of all the things Max was, a liar wasn’t one of them.
His mouth crushed mine, my rebuttal not even fully formed in my head when his tongue slipped through my opened lips and sought refuge in mine. It wasn’t just our mouths that were misbehaving, our bodies had disregarded everything I’d said and were clawing at each other too. Mine just as badly as his. And as much as I wanted to keep kissing him, I hated what we’d become.
“We need to stop, please stop.” I finally found the courage to whisper.
His head snapped up no less violent than if I’d grabbed his hair and yanked it back myself, his body completely disengaging as he took a step back.
“You have never asked me to stop before.”
“I’m asking you now.”
He raked his hands through his hair, before his eyes settled back on me, on his face was an emotion I couldn’t read.
Just as he had, I also took a step back. The distance necessary because I wasn’t sure my body wasn’t going to pull him back in again.
“No, don’t do that.” He raised his hand, the shake of his head following soon after. “You don’t want to be with me in that way, all right. But don’t move away from me. You know I would never hurt you.”
“I know. I didn’t think that.” He would be the last person who’d hurt me, it hadn’t been him that I’d been worried about.
“Then what were you thinking?”
It hadn’t occurred to me that that one step away might be seen as something other than what it was. Distance. But he was right; I had no idea what was going on in his head, which meant he had no idea what was going on in mine. Being afraid wasn’t it.
“That this is my fault. I’m leading you on.” My actions had certainly pointed to it. The hot and then cold. It wasn’t fair.
“That’s something else I won’t allow you to do, take responsibility for how I’m feeling and what I’m doing.”
“Max—”
“Fuck, Beth.” He blew out a curse. “I showed up on your doorstep and it was obvious that you had put distance between us for a reason. I might not have tracked you down, but I sure as hell pushed the issue.”
“Do you think we can move past this? Just be friends?” God, I hoped so, because if he couldn’t this would be the first time I would ever have to say goodbye. And that would hurt more than I could ever imagine.
“Yes, because losing you again isn’t an option.”
This time when he reached for me it wasn’t with the intention of kissing me, but it was with no less intensity. My head nestled against his chest as his arms wrapped tightly around my body but he didn’t try for more. The steady thump of his heart matched my own as we stood still. Just there. The two of us.
“We should go back, everyone is probably wondering where we are.” I was the first one to speak, the words getting muffled by his chest.
“Yeah, are you and Jules sticking around for a little while? I’d offer you guys a ride but the ‘Vette only has two seats.” He slowly let his arms fall, this time the distance being initiated by him as he took a step back.
“No, it’s fine. We’ll grab a cab. And I don’t have anywhere else to be.” I tried so hard to force my lips into a grin. “A good friend of mine’s band played tonight. I want to hang out with them. They are pretty awesome.”
“Yeah?” Max laughed, “Maybe you should tell your friend how awesome he is all the time. If he’s in a band he probably has a huge ego and would love to hear it.”
“Then I should probably get going. I think I saw Joey out near the bar.” I laughed, glad the tone of the conversation had turned.
“Oh God, please no.” He shook his head, pulling back in mock horror. “Not even as a joke, Beth. His head can barely fit through the doorway now, anymore and we’re going to have serious problems.”
“Okay, Okay.” My body shook as I laughed. “As long as you buy me a new beer.”
“Deal.”
If anyone had noticed we’d been missing, it hadn’t showed when we came back.
Rusty had a larger than usual circle around him, girls vying for his attention even though his girlfriend was right there. Joey was talking the loudest; his hands moving constantly with whatever he was talking about always seeming to need visual cues. And Angie was sitting on a bar stool, chatting to Alison who seemed completely cool with her dude being the center of attention.
Even Jules didn’t notice, the long line at the bathroom keeping her away longer than we’d been gone. Something we all heard about when she returned and expressed her displeasure of being inconvenienced because of her lack of dick. The comedic relief a welcome addition to what had been pretty intense a few minutes before.
Last call was announced and I walked the two girls out to the street, making sure they were safely in a cab before I went back inside the bar. Then I said my goodbyes, grabbed my shit and headed to the garage where I’d parked my car. One of the perks of the larger success was having roadies to take care of your rig, the guys already taking care of our instruments while we’d been shooting the breeze at the bar.
The drive home fucking sucked. Even the joy of driving my car didn’t raise my mood with Beth’s let’s-be-friends speech rolling around in my head on constant repeat. Yeah, ‘cause that shit was easy.
Oh, I’d agreed to it. Of course I fucking did. Not like there was an option. But while my mouth had been all yeah-let’s-be-bffs the rest of me wasn’t buying it. Which was a really shitty thing to do to say the least.
I wasn’t in the business of BS and I had never fed any to her. But there was also a bigger chance of me putting down my bass and winning an Olympic gold medal for the US swim team than giving up on
her. Not because I wanted to fuck her—because if that were all it was I’d go find someone else to fuck—but because I honestly believed she was wrong.
She had been accurate in presenting the facts. We’d gone around the same block a few times, but that didn’t mean we were done. Not the way I saw it. In fact, I thought it proved the fucking opposite, that fate had seen what we’d not been smart enough to see ourselves. We belonged together and every time either of us tried to stop that and moved away, whatever force that was moving the chess pieces saw to it that we course corrected. Which was back to each other.
Now, I had never been a big believer in destiny other than the one you made for yourself. But I had seen some pretty strong evidence to suggest that some shit was in the cards whether you wanted it or not. Beth had always been in my cards and I sure as shit wasn’t changing my deck now.
So where did that leave me? Apart from the obvious—I was a sad sack who wanted what apparently wasn’t his anymore. But it also meant I was going to have to win her back.
This time for good.
My work was well and truly cut out for me. Flowers and candy weren’t even an option, neither was almost anything else I had in my bag of tricks. She had seen it all before. So if I wanted to change the outcome, I needed a completely new game plan. One she’d not only hadn’t seen from me, but from any of the assholes she’d dated over the years. Because my end game, was long term. As in there would be no other assholes. Just me. Asshole, number one.
Friends? Not an option, sorry. This was the only way it was going to be. That or I was going to end up the breaking news bulletin when I was arrested on stalking and harassment charges. Jail time would ruin the touring schedule so I guess we hope for the best.
It was something that kept me up most of the night, tossing and turning after I’d gone to bed alone. Not like I didn’t have options to share the sheets with someone if I’d wanted, but there was zero chance of that happening. As in, if it wasn’t Beth, I wasn’t interested in any other women. I didn’t even mourn the loss; happy to give my dick a time out while I figured out a way to convince her she was wrong.
