Alexander met his gaze without blinking.
“Absolutely.”
Chapter 22
Alexander was unable to stay still. He paced around the morning room, waiting for Flora to join him. Gerard had told him that he was going to need to get in the same room as Flora and confess everything to her, to try and make her see that he really did want to be with her. However, Flora would not go along with that if she knew he was going to be there. Which was why he was following Gerard’s lead on it.
Even now, hours after agreeing to the plan, Alexander found himself wanting to be a coward and run away again. He had seen the shock, the anger, and the betrayal in Flora’s eyes the evening before. And all of them had hurt Alexander more than he cared to admit. He never wanted to hurt Flora, but he hadn’t been thinking clearly. He had just run from the intense feelings that he had been experiencing.
By the time Alexander realized he had done the wrong thing, it was too late to clear up the mess. The damage had been done, and Alexander didn’t know how he could go about sorting it all out. Instead of coming back to London and talking things out with those who loved him, Alexander had gone to the nearest recruiting station and signed up for the army.
Being in the army against the French was scary. But Alexander had faced it all. As a duke’s son and then a duke’s brother, he had been made an officer and was in charge of the regular soldiers. Alexander had had to learn very quickly and gain the obedience of his men. Being out on the front lines with them and mucking in when needed had endeared himself to them.
He refused to sit at dinners in smart clothes having fancy food; Alexander preferred to be on duty, looking for French scouts, and making sure the enemy didn’t advance any further. His general had told him that he was being a fool, and he needed to know his place, which wasn’t with the foot soldiers, but Alexander got results. He looked after his men, and they stood by him. They became a loyal unit, and Alexander was proud of them.
How could he face two dozen men and gain their confidence in the middle of a war when he could marry the woman he loved with every part of his body?
Hopefully, this would work. Gerard was certain that if he could get Alexander and Flora reconciling, then he could get Beth to stay. That he could find the courage to confess his feelings for her. Just speaking about her told Alexander everything. He had heard the argument between the two of them when it was brought out into the hall, and even wrapped up in his own depression, Alexander had heard the passion in Beth’s voice, the pain when Gerard hesitated. The woman loved him, and it hurt her as much as it hurt Gerard.
Alexander didn’t think his brother would find anyone after Allegra, or even find love with someone of a much lower station, but it had happened, and Alexander could only hope Beth would realize that Gerard wasn’t someone she could simply walk away from.
But that was all dependent on if he could get Flora to forgive him for what happened.
He turned towards the door as it opened, and Flora was shown into the room. Just the mere sight of her could take Alexander’s breath away. He had spied her across a room and had immediately been drawn in. Flora was a beautiful young woman, someone who could make any man fall at her feet. Alexander had certainly done that.
The door was closing just as Flora laid eyes on him. She froze, and they stared at each other. Then Flora turned away and hurried to the door, only to stop when there was a loud clicking sound of the door being locked. Alexander moved slowly across the room. He couldn’t resist the urge to be close to her.
“Don’t worry; we will be let out of here. It’s just so I can talk to you without you running away.”
“I see.” Flora didn’t turn around. “So, Lord Rossdale didn’t want to talk to me at all.”
“Would you have come here if I asked for you?”
“No.”
“There you are.”
Even as he spoke, Alexander winced at the fierce snap. He needed to take it slowly. If he could. He swallowed.
“You look well, Flora.”
Flora snorted.
“It took me a long time to get back to how I was before we met.” She turned, and the pained expression had Alexander pausing. “You took a lot from me, Alex.”
“I know I did. And I know I should be on my knees grovelling for your forgiveness.”
“Yes. You should.”
Flora was on the offensive. This wasn’t going to be as easy as Gerard made it out to be. Telling him that he just needed to be in the same room as Flora and they would be able to talk. Now they were, and Alexander was finding it difficult to put two words together that made sense. He groaned and ran his hands through his hair.
“This isn’t as easy as my brother said it would be.”
“What isn’t easy? Apologizing?” Flora rolled her eyes. “Men will never admit when they’re wrong. They simply apologize to pacify the women in their lives. It doesn’t mean anything.”
“You’re very certain on that.”
Flora smirked.
“I’ve had experience of it.”
“Ouch.” Alexander rubbed his chest. “I suppose I deserve that.”
At least she hadn’t lost her spirit. Alexander would have been devastated if that had gone. Her spirit was what made Flora even more beautiful. How could he have been such a fool to walk away from her in the way he had?
“Your brother hurt my sister, Alex,” Flora said. “She’s in love with him.”
“I know she is. And Gerard has done nothing except be related to me. He knew nothing about us; I swear to you.”
Flora grunted and folded her arms.
“It’s going to take a long time before Beth believes that. She’s leaving soon.”
“I know, I heard the argument.”
“Argument?”
“Didn’t you hear the two of them arguing last night shortly after you went to your bedchamber?” Flora shook her head. “I’m surprised. Practically everyone else heard it. I think everyone but Beth could tell that my brother was trying to say that he loved her, but he couldn’t get the words out. And Gerard’s broken up about it.” Alexander moved closer towards Flora, noticing that she didn’t move away. “I haven’t seen him like this before.”
“If he loves her, he should just say so,” Flora said shortly. “It’s not that difficult, is it?”
“Admitting you’re in love is one thing. Coming to terms with the feelings beforehand at the right time, however, is something else.” Alexander didn’t look away from Flora as he stopped before her. “That happened to me.”
“I don’t follow.”
How could he be in the same room as her and not touch her? Alexander gave in. He cupped her head in his hands, tilting her face towards him, and he kissed her. He gave her plenty of time to pull away, to slap him and say no. But Flora didn’t. She came to him willingly, sighing against his mouth. She didn’t reach for him, but she didn’t need to. Alexander could feel her emotions in that kiss.
She still loved him, even if she wanted to admit otherwise.
Raising his head, he took a deep breath and stepped back, his hands falling away. Immediately, he itched to touch her again.
“I just had to do that. And I don’t regret it.”
“I can tell.” Flora was breathing heavily. She swallowed hard. “You need to explain yourself, Alex.”
Here it came. Alexander took a deep breath.
“I love you, Flora. I always have. But the intensity of my feelings …” He swallowed and glanced away. “I had never experienced it like that before. It was frightening, and I couldn’t get on an even keel. I wanted you in my life, no matter what, but I couldn’t stop thinking about what happened if you broke my heart. That just consumed me. I knew it would be more painful than anything I’ve experienced before. I wouldn’t be able to recover.”
“And you ran because of it,” Flora murmured.
Alexander nodded. Now he wasn’t able to face her. He turned away and went to the window, staring out int
o the gardens. This wasn’t going well. He couldn’t even stand in front of the woman he loved and tell her everything.
“I wanted to marry you, but then I panicked. My pride refused to let me say anything and say we needed to turn back. The only way I could see myself getting out of it was to leave.”
“And you ruined me in the process.”
Alexander winced.
“That should never have happened.”
“You should never have left.” There were soft footsteps, and then Flora was standing beside him, looking up at him with clear eyes. “I ran away and took a chance on my future because you asked me to. I would have done anything you said. Now I’m living in disgrace, and it’s come down on my entire family while you get away free and innocent.”
She was right. Alexander knew she was. He had been a coward, and he had reacted in a way that only a child could; he couldn’t understand it, so he ran away. And that had been his biggest regret ever since. Flora didn’t deserve to go through any of that.
Alexander hated that she had. He turned to her, noticing that she didn’t pull away when his arm brushed against hers.
“I noticed you never mentioned my name afterwards. Your sister had no idea.”
“I told her your name, but barely. I never told anyone else.” Flora looked away. “It wouldn’t have mattered if I had. I would still end up being the one at fault because I’m a mere woman. The fairer sex always has to be at fault for anything that happens between a man and a woman. It’s been that way since Eve was tempted by the snake and ate the apple in the Garden of Eden.”
“Thank you for reminding me that I hate going to church.” Alexander grunted. He peered at her. “You could have said who you tried to elope with. I would have deserved to have my name dragged through the mud. Even my rakish status wouldn’t have survived any of that.”
“I should have, shouldn’t I?” Flora paused. “I still could, you know.”
“I know.” Alexander reached up and brushed his fingers across her cheek. She didn’t pull away. “But it doesn’t have to be that way.”
“What do you mean?”
Here it came. Alexander had to try and get through this without backing down. He took a deep breath.
“My love for you has never died, Flora. Every moment I was in France, I missed you. I wanted to write to you, to explain myself, and make sure you were safe. But I stopped each time. I didn’t think you would want to hear from me.”
“I did want to hear from you,” Flora said. “But I would have preferred you speaking to me in person.”
“Exactly. And I was too much of a coward to do that.”
Now Flora finally looked up, fixing him with a curious gaze. She bit her lip, and Alexander had an urge to kiss her again. Not just yet. If she let him.
“I don’t know what you want from me, Alexander …”
“I want you.” Alexander’s words tumbled out. “Simple as that.”
Flora’s eyes widened. She shook her head.
“You ... you can’t have me.”
Not the response he wanted. Alexander gulped.
“Now? Or ever?”
“I ... I haven’t decided yet.” Flora wrapped her arms around her middle. “Everything’s in a mess right now.”
“I can understand that.” Alexander reached up and cupped her head in his hands, resting his forehead against hers. “Just tell me that you don’t love me anymore. If you can look me in the eye and say honestly that you don’t love me anymore, then I’ll walk away. Gerard tells me I’ve got to marry you to rescue your reputation, but I won’t force that on you. If you don’t love me now, say so, and I’ll leave you alone.”
There. He had managed to get it out. Laid it all there for her. Alexander could see the shock in Flora’s eyes. She probably hadn’t heard him say this much in one go before. It was going to kill him if she walked away now. It didn’t matter what her upbringing had been, or who she was socially. No one else would be able to compare to her. Alexander had walked away from her once and had lost her. He wasn’t about to do that again.
Flora’s mouth opened and closed. She swallowed hard and shut her eyes tight.
“I can’t.”
“Can’t what?”
“I can’t walk away.” She opened her eyes, and Alexander saw the shimmering tears. “I still love you, Alex. I hate to say it, but I do.”
She still loved him. It took all of Alex’s resolve not to grab her and hold her close. He pressed a kiss to her head.
“Flora. I’m not asking us to go back to how it was. I know that’s too much to ask. I’m just asking to make a fresh start. You and me, doing it as it’s supposed to be. I know what I want at the end of it all, but I will go at your pace. Whatever you’re comfortable with.”
He left out the part about wanting to marry her. That would be too much right now. Right now, getting Flora to agree to be back with him was enough. He would take that.
Flora sighed. Then she reached out and touched his jaw. Her fingers were trembling.
“I wish I could just hate you, Alex. It would make this so much easier.”
“I know.”
Her hand rubbed against his jaw, and Alexander leaned into it. Those long months in France had been torture knowing he had nothing to come back to. But he knew it was his own fault. He would endure it for being such a coward with his own heart.
“Can I think about it?” Flora asked. “I need some time.”
Alexander didn’t think he could wait, but this was Flora Campbell. She wasn’t just anyone. He swallowed and nodded.
“All right. Just don’t take too long.”
“Thank you.” Flora took a step closer, tugging his head down. “Just one more thing before I take my leave.”
This time, she kissed him. Alexander wouldn’t have been able to back away if he tried.
#
Beth had cried herself to sleep. She felt like the rug had been pulled from under her, and she was falling. Everything had been turned upside-down because of last night’s revelation. Now the future was uncertain, and Beth didn’t like it.
By the time she awoke – even then, she hadn’t slept much – Beth had come to a solid conclusion. Gerard hadn’t been involved in any of this. He had no idea what his brother had been up to. Just like Flora had barely spoken his name, Alexander had not spoken of the woman he had left in disgrace. They had kept it to themselves, and Gerard had been just as shocked as Beth. That was no pretence. Now she had calmed down, Beth could believe him.
But she couldn’t stay. Not after that. Even if he hadn’t been aware, Gerard was still Alexander’s brother. Beth couldn’t, in all good conscience, stay when she knew what the younger brother had done to her sister. No matter what her heart wanted, her head said it was the right thing to do.
She had a month to find a replacement. Which wasn’t going to be easy when they were in the middle of nowhere. She had to figure it out somehow, or the girls were going to be left without a governess. Maybe that wouldn’t hurt for a while. Gerard could easily find someone else in London once he went down in November. Beth could just leave sooner rather than later, weighed down with a heavy heart.
It was going to be painful to leave the girls. Rosamund and Isabel had clung onto her for a long time, both of them crying as Beth rocked them both. She didn’t want to leave these two. She didn’t even want to leave Hermia. Beth found it startling to realize, but she had come to love the fiery young girl. Even under her angry persona, Hermia was a fiery person. She had spirit. Beth wanted to see that come out more. She wanted them to be friends, and she thought she had been making some headway.
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