by Nix Knox
“You mean to say you might have accident-induced epilepsy?” Ronan had heard of that only because he knew so many motorcycle riders.
Noah tilted his head and asked, “How did you know?”
“Sometimes when motorcycle riders survive an accident, they have seizures. It’s not common, but it’s happened enough that the riders who come to my shop talk about it.”
“And they still ride?”
“If they have medical clearance.”
“Naddleback says I have to be seizure-free for at least three months before she’ll even consider giving me a medical wavier.”
“How many seizures have you had?”
“Three. They were all really bad. They gave me some medication, and it seems to be working.”
“Is that why you wouldn’t let me come in? Did you think I would be scared if I saw you have a seizure?”
“Scared? No. I thought it would disgust you.”
“What?” Ronan was so stunned he let go of Noah’s hand.
“I peed the bed. And she said it can get worse than that. I was afraid of sticking you with a defective boyfriend.”
“Defective?” Ronan moved his chair closer and took up Noah’s hand again. “That doesn’t make you defective. You have an illness. I can’t believe you thought I would abandon you over something so trivial.”
“Trivial?”
“Not to minimize the seizures, but I meant trivial in regards to sharing your life. I don’t care about that. I mean I care, but that isn’t going to send me running away.”
“That’s what I was afraid of.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I thought you might stay with me out of pity or because you felt like you had to.”
“I would stay with you because I want to be with you.”
“Even if I piss and shit all over your bed?” Noah flung the question at him as if it were the most vile weapon he could summon.
“If you had a seizure that caused that to happen, I wouldn’t be angry. It wouldn’t be your fault.”
“After it happened a hundred times?”
“It could be a million. How shallow do you think I am?” Ronan shook his head. “Never mind. I don’t think my ability to love you is the real issue here. I think you’re afraid of being that vulnerable around me.”
Noah looked well and truly startled.
“I’m not the one who walked away. You pushed me away without giving me a chance.” Ronan understood now why Noah had done what he did. “More than anything, you hurt me.”
“I’m sorry. I thought I was doing the right thing.”
“By pushing me away when you needed me the most?”
“I didn’t think of it that way.”
“Right. You only thought of it in terms of yourself.”
“I—I’m sorry.”
“And that makes it all better?” Ronan realized he was angry. Not a little, not a medium amount, but really super pissed. “I came every day to find out why you’d changed your mind. I thought you loved me.”
“I do.”
“No. You don’t. Because if you did, you’d never have treated me like that.” Ronan stood. As he did, he let go of Noah’s hand. Releasing him hurt more than he could have imagined, but he was hurting from Noah’s rejection and needed space.
“Please don’t go.”
“How do I know that you won’t change your mind again? What if something else happens, Noah? What if—God forbid—there’s another accident and you lose your arm. Or, scratch that. What if I get sick? Do you think I should push you away in some misguided effort to protect you from me being a burden to you?”
Noah didn’t answer. He just sat there looking devastated. A part of Ronan wanted him to stew in that feeling. It was exactly how he’d felt for the last two weeks. It was painful and ugly and filled with a million self-recriminations. All of them unnecessary.
“You rejected me to supposedly protect me, but what you were really doing was protecting yourself.”
“I didn’t know what else to do.”
“You should have told me what was going on and what you were afraid of.”
“I—”
“You owed me the common courtesy of giving me a chance to decide what I wanted to do. Instead, you made the decision for both of us. How do I know you won’t do that again?”
“You don’t.” A lone tear slid down Noah’s face. “I should have told you. I see that now.”
“This”—Ronan pointed to himself and then Noah—“doesn’t work without honesty. Or at least it doesn’t for me. I love you, Noah. The key word there is love. That means I accept you as you are. I accept the fact that you’ll change as time goes on. I’ll love you no matter what. It’s not conditional.”
Noah wiped the tears from his eye with the back of his hand.
“You’ve probably been to a lot of weddings, right?” When Noah nodded, Ronan went on. “You know that line about taking your partner for better or worse?”
Noah nodded.
“That means something to me. And not just as something to say during a marriage ceremony. It means commitment. I thought that was where this was going.”
“I want that.”
“Do you? Do you really?” Ronan realized he needed to let go of his hurt. He was so upset he was shaking. All he was doing was trying to inflict the pain he felt back onto Noah, when that wasn’t productive at all.
“What can I do to make this better?” Noah voice was soft and almost scared, making Ronan pull back even further on his own pain.
“Never cut me out again.” Ronan settled back in his seat. When he did, Noah breathed a sigh of relief. “I’m angry right now and so hurt.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I’ll get over it. But we need to establish deeper trust. If you really knew me, you never would have thought I’d walk away just because something changed with your health.”
“I think I took the chance to jump.”
“What does that mean?”
“I made all these changes in my life, and I felt I was really going places but then the assault happened. Everything changed. I had just figured out what I wanted, and they took it away. I was afraid…”
Ronan waited for Noah to finish his thought.
“I was afraid the assault was punishment for what I’d done.”
“You mean coming out?”
“Coming out, quitting my job, all of it.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because I thought it was crazy. And I was letting go of those thoughts. But then the seizure happened, and I realized everything changed that day, too. It started to feel as if every time I made peace with myself or my life, something came along and messed it up. Keith and his friends took so much away from me that I decided I didn’t deserve anything. Especially not you.”
“Noah.”
“I know. I know. The events aren’t connected. Intellectually, I get that. But just like my fear of people being able to look at me and know what I’m thinking, this was just as ridiculous a thought, but no less compelling.”
Ronan held Noah’s hand and traced patterns on the back with his other hand. He wished Noah would have told him so he could have helped him realize what was going on. “In the future, you need to tell me. Okay? It’s really that simple. I can’t guess. I can’t magically know. If you have a thought and you aren’t sure if it’s valid, then tell me you need a reality check, and we’ll hash it out.”
“Okay.”
“I’m assuming the same is true for me.”
Startled, Noah blurted, “When are you ever unsure?”
“Are you kidding? I have insecurities, too. Everyone does.” When Noah looked dubious, Ronan leaned closer and emphatically said, “Everyone.”
“Okay. I’ll tell you. But just be prepared for some really kooky things.”
“I can do kooky.” Ronan considered for a moment. “What made you change your mind?”
“My mom.”
> “She told you to let me back in?” Ronan never would have believed that but for the fact Noah was telling him.
“She knew a long time ago I was different.”
“How did she know?”
“She saw me staring at Casey Marcum during homecoming, and she knew. She never said anything because she was afraid for me, but she knew.”
Now Ronan had the answer to that look in Noah’s mother’s eyes.
“She said the way you treated me showed that you loved me. You were civil to them when they were cutting to you in turn. She said if I let you go, I was making a huge mistake.”
“I have to say that I think I like your mother even more now.”
“She’s still scared for me. I think that’s just a mom thing, but she said she’d seen plenty of people who pair off for all the wrong reasons.” Noah squeezed Ronan’s hand. “She didn’t think we had.”
Ronan never would have believed that Noah’s Mormon mother would have been the one to encourage her son to come back to him. He’d underestimated her, but he wouldn’t make that mistake again. “What about your father?”
“He wasn’t in the room. Mom said he was like me—a worrier. He has too much going on in his head, and he can’t see the forest for the trees. I never realized until that moment how my parents really work well together. I think… I think we can be the same.”
“I think so, too.” Ronan lifted and kissed the back of Noah’s hand. “Okay, enough lollygagging. You have to get up.”
“What? Why?”
“Those hallways aren’t going to walk themselves.”
Noah flashed Ronan a rather lusty grin. “So is that reward still up for grabs?”
“Absolutely.”
It took two days to get Noah back to his prior level of recovery. Doctor Naddleback was pleased, and once again, Ronan was asked to share his secrets for motivation. He didn’t tell her the real way he was getting Noah to keep going despite the pain. He only smiled and said it was amazing what love could do.
Noah’s mother had definitely softened toward him, as evidenced by the way she worked hard to include him during her time with Noah. Before, it had been Ronan’s time and then his parents’ time, but now there was overlap. Noah’s dad still struggled to be comfortable around them, but Ronan discovered that if they avoided any PDA, he seemed far more relaxed, as did Noah’s brothers. Finally, the day came where Noah was well enough to be moved to a semiprivate room.
“Will he be safe there?” Odonna wanted to know.
“He isn’t listed on the patient roster. Also, all the security guards have pictures of Keith.”
“What about his friends?” Ronan asked.
“I don’t think so.” The nurse went off to find out, leaving Odonna, Noah, and Ronan alone in his room.
“Do you think it’s safe to move him?” Odonna asked Ronan.
“I think so. From what the officer told me, there hasn’t been a sighting of Keith or his pals since the assault.” Ronan turned to look at Noah. “The bigger question is, how do you feel about the move?”
“I think it’ll be okay. The nurses are vigilant. No one can get back here without having gone through the layers of security.”
“Then if you’re okay, I’m okay.” Ronan turned to Odonna.
“Well, okay, then. I’m still not sold, but I’m a mom and I worry.”
“Well, it looks like they have their pictures, too. And security knows you’re being moved today.” She made no effort to say he would be safe. That was something she simply couldn’t do. Things happened. Ronan knew that. When he floated the idea of hiring a bodyguard for Noah, he shook his head.
“I just don’t think that’s necessary.”
“I don’t know, honey. A big scary biker standing guard by your room might make Keith think twice about coming anywhere near you.” Odonna grinned at Ronan.
“I could find one, you know. My business does attract a lot of burly bikers.” Ronan paused as he considered. “Most of them are doctors, lawyers, and dentists, but they certainly look the part when they wear their motorcycle gear.”
“Are they really professionals?” Odonna sounded surprised.
“They are. It’s a pretty common misconception that those grizzled road warriors are all degenerate criminals. Motorcycles are expensive. So are the custom paint jobs.”
“I never thought about it that way.” Odonna fussed over Noah as he made the move to the new room. “Okay, okay. Now that you’re situated, I’ll let you be.”
“Are you coming back for dinner?” Noah asked.
“Ronan’s got you to himself tonight, as Jonah and I are going to be with Henry.”
“For his mission?”
“Yes.” Odonna beamed. “He’s so excited. And we’re almost done with all the paperwork. Tonight we’ll meet with our bishop to make sure we’re all ready.”
Noah looked a little uncomfortable but then seemed to brighten. “I can’t wait to find out where he’s going to go.”
“Fingers crossed for somewhere stateside.” Odonna lifted her crossed fingers.
“Is that what Henry wants?”
“Of course not. He wants somewhere exotic. You know how I feel about that.”
“After Michael’s mission, I do.” Noah laughed. “But he’ll be with a fellow missionary. Safety in numbers.”
“That doesn’t ease a mother’s mind.” Odonna waved as she departed.
“And now we’re all alone.” Ronan waggled his brows, making Noah laugh. “Why did you look sad when she was talking about Henry’s mission?”
“I thought she was talking about it to remind me that I wasn’t going on one, but then I realized that she was only talking about it because she was excited for Henry. I am, too. He’s always wanted to go.”
Ronan realized that, slowly but surely, Noah was making even more changes. This time they weren’t being made because of his circumstances but due to his thoughts. Noah was beginning to understand that not everything was aimed at him in some oblique way.
When an officer showed up, Ronan settled on the other side of Noah’s bed so the man could have the chair and face both of them.
“I have news.”
“Good news, I hope.” Noah was sitting up, both hands twined with Ronan’s hands.
“It is and it isn’t. Keith Kellerman died last night.”
For a split second, Ronan thought he was going to have to pony up an alibi. He’d been at home, looking up everything he could about accident induced epilepsy. No one had seen him.
“Apparently, he finally bullied someone who fought back with deadly force.”
While Ronan and Noah sat in stunned silence, the officer related the tale of how Keith and friends had gone up to Idaho after the assault. They’d been laying low, but then Keith got it into his head to hassle another man in the same fleabag hotel.
“The man was terrified enough to get a gun. When Keith came around, banging on the man’s door in the middle of the night to scare him, the man shot him through the door. Rather than go to the hospital, his friends put him in the motel room, where he slowly bled out.”
Ronan tried to stifle an inappropriate gleeful thrill when he found out Keith had died alone and in pain. He knew it was morally wrong to take pleasure in such a situation, but after what the bastard had done to Noah, he wasn’t surprised by his initial joy.
“Good.” Noah nodded vigorously. “He finally got what he deserved.”
“Noah, that’s not—” Ronan cut himself off from saying anything else. He had no right to tell Noah how to feel. Worse, he felt the exact same way when he knew it was inappropriate. Apparently, no matter how much he tried to practice Zen, he still felt vindicated when the world took out what looked like revenge on a wrongdoer.
“I’m not sorry he’s gone. He was an asshole who bullied people just to give himself something to do. I hope his friends meet a similar end.”
The officer kept a stone face throughout Noah’s outburst, prompting Ronan to wo
nder if he was filing Noah’s hatred away for future recall if something did happen to them, but then he realized this was probably the standard reaction for someone who’d been assaulted. The more Ronan looked at the officer’s face, the more he realized this was something he’d seen dozens of times.
“Well, they’ll be going to jail soon. Anything can happen once they do.”
“Jail?” Noah asked.
“They were caught not too long after Keith was discovered. They had firearms and drugs in their vehicle.”
“That’s a fun combination,” Ronan said flippantly.
“They claimed they were going fishing.”
“With guns?” Noah asked.
“That’s what they said.” The officer cracked just the barest smile. “But I came to let you know you’re safe. We have all the men who were allegedly involved. Once we match up the DNA, it’ll be a slam-dunk for the DA’s office. Well, it will be once they’re extradited back to Utah.”
“So I’m safe?” Noah seemed overwhelmed by the idea.
The officer nodded, and this time, he let a smile grace his face.
Ronan was pleased when the tension that seemed to have stamped a permanent imprint in Noah’s features finally slipped away. After giving Noah some more information, the officer departed.
“Feel better?” Ronan asked.
“I can’t believe how much.”
“I can. Your whole body seemed to breathe a sigh of relief.”
“I guess you’re upset about what I said.”
“No.” Ronan leaned over and kissed Noah gently. “I get it. He hurt you. It’s not surprising you’d feel that way.”
“It’s not very nice, though.”
“After what you’ve been through, hell, even without all that, I don’t think you have to be nice all the time.”
Noah nodded thoughtfully. “I had a feeling that’s how he’d end up. Violence begets violence.”
“It’s not a surprising end. Sad that his supposed friends left him, though.”
“I guess they weren’t such good friends after all.” Noah looked up at Ronan. “You didn’t walk away.”
“No. Well, I did. But I kept coming back.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” Ronan realized Noah’s semiprivate room was actually a private one since he didn’t have a roommate. “So, about that reward.”
