by Mike Sutton
Back in the living room. The hat is once again in its place at the front of the stage. Character 1 is standing at the front of the stage addressing the audience again.
Character 1- Folks, before I begin tonight’s performance, I would like to request that you make any donations that you can spare to the continued operation of this theatre, and to keeping the entertainment you are about to receive at the highest quality as is possible. (smiles at ‘someone’ standing over the had with a donation) Thank you sir, your generosity is greatly appreciated by both myself and these other fine folks in the audience. Now without further adieu, let the show begin.
(begins to sing an off-key rendition of the song ‘feelings’)
(Some time into the song, he stops, looks around and runs for the couch, where he picks up the book ‘how it ought to be’ by Rush Limbaugh)
Character 2- (Comes in and sees Character 1 reading the book) I thought I told you not to read horror stories before you go to sleep, it always keeps you up into the middle of the night whimpering, and I’m sick of trying to sleep with the light on.
Character 1- (laughs weakly) I only just began a little while ago honey, no worries, I’m not scared at the moment at all. (Another weak laugh) Besides, I’m almost done here, why don’t you go to bed, I’ll catch up in a few minutes after I finish this chapter.
Character 2- (nods for a moment until she sees the hat on the floor) Have you been performing again?
Character 1- NO! You said you didn’t want me to, so I haven’t. I would never dream of disobeying!
Character 2- Then why is the hat on the floor like that? You were performing again….
Character 1- No, I wasn’t performing again, honestly!
Character 2- Then why is your tip hat there? hmmmmm?
Character 1- Uhhhhhh…. I threw it there, I was playing a game… great game… with rules too complex to explain… but I got tired of playing, so that’s where I left it…
Character 2- Don’t lie to me! How many times have I told you that the audience doesn’t exist? You’re supposed to take your medicine, you know that! Then you’d stop having these little flights of fancy. THE AUDIENCE DOES NOT EXIST, ITS FAKE, NOT REAL! Wake up! Now go to bed! I’ll be along in a few minutes, and then we’ll talk. Oh, I have a headache.
(Character 1 cowers, and runs off stage hunched over)
Character 2- (turns to the audience) And you, how many times have I told you to stop encouraging him. I’ve been trying to get him to go out and get a real job, and here you are asking him to do his little song and dance routines for you. And you’re cruel enough to let him believe he’s actually any good as a performer. God the nerve! I don’t ever want to see any of you again in our living room! Now get out of here before I call the police! (stalks off after Character 1)
Awake
Greg; Male mid 20s
Cindy; Female mid 20s
Cindy standing as if waiting for a bus when Greg walks up and strikes up a conversation. Both are dressed for a nice summer day.
Greg: hi
Cindy: hello
Greg: nice day
Cindy: oh it’s absolutely beautiful.
Greg: I don’t really want to go to work today, wish I could skip.
Cindy: I know the feeling, but too bad I can’t just call in sick
Greg: that’s a shame, what do you do?
Cindy: I’m a professional rodeo clown.
Greg: that sounds both exciting and dangerous.
Cindy: it’s both, it’s a fantastic adrenaline rush, the bull and the crowds all watching you, it’s like being an action hero or a firefighter or something.
Greg: Sounds like you really love what you do, that’s fantastic, I wish I were so lucky.
Cindy: really, what do you do?
Greg: Nothing so romantic, I happen to be a grill jock for micky d’s.
Cindy: Really? Have you ever met him?
Greg: Who?
Cindy: the great one himself, Ronald McDonald! He is an inspiration to clowns everywhere.
Greg: Uh…no…
Cindy: I mean what he’s done, he is known worldwide! Such talent, I wish I could meet him just once.
Greg: no, I’ve never met him…he doesn’t hang around with the likes of me, I’m just a lowly peon ya know, just a burger flipper.
Cindy: (Disappointed) Oh, well if you ever do meet him, will you get his autograph for me? (flirts)I would really appreciate it.
Greg: Uh yeah, sure, if I ever meet him I’ll get his autograph for you. Errrr, when I get it, how will I contact you and let you know?
Cindy: Oh yeah, well you could call me, and we could meet.
Greg: what’s your phone number?
Cindy: One moment (writes it down and hands it to him).
Greg: Thanks, I’ll get right on this.
Cindy: How sweet of you. Well I have to go now my bus is here. Bye! (walks off stage. Greg heads in the opposite direction)
Cindy is standing outside as if waiting for the bus…wearing the same clothing as before. Greg is in slightly different clothes.
Greg: hi
Cindy: hello
Greg: nice day
Cindy: oh it’s absolutely beautiful.
Greg: I don’t really want to go to work today, wish I could skip.
Cindy: I know the feeling, but too bad I can’t just call in sick
Greg: that’s a shame, what do you do?
Cindy: I’m a professional rodeo clown.
Greg: that sounds both exciting and dangerous. Wait a minute… haven’t we met before? I swear we’ve had this conversation before, and you look very familiar
Cindy: it’s both, it’s a fantastic adrenaline rush, the bull and the crowds all watching you, it’s like being an action hero or a firefighter or something.
Greg: Ummm, hello?
Cindy: really, what do you do?
Greg: Are you listening to me? Hello?
Cindy: Really? Have you ever met him?
Greg: (looks around in a confused manner)
Cindy: the great one himself, Ronald McDonald! He is an inspiration to clowns everywhere.
Greg: Are you feeling ok? (waves his hand in front of her eyes)
Cindy: I mean what he’s done, he is known worldwide! Such talent, I wish I could meet him just once.
Greg: You’re not a robot are you? Or one of those body snatcher creatures from those movies…
Cindy: (Disappointed) Oh, well if you ever do meet him, will you get his autograph for me? (flirts) I would really appreciate it.
Greg: …It doesn’t matter. Just don’t hurt me. I’ll be an obedient human slave!
Cindy: Oh yeah, well you could call me, and we could meet.
Greg: Oh sweet mother of Loki, why did this happen to us? (Sinks into despair)
Cindy: One moment (writes it down and hands it to him).
Greg: Huh? What’s this? Oh yeah, thanks, just don’t hurt me.
Cindy: How sweet of you. Well I have to go now my bus is here. Bye! (walks off stage)
Greg: Is this the twilight zone or something? I wish I would have watched that show more often, then I would know what to do now. God why couldn’t I have been more forward thinking? Why did I have to waste all that time watching car racing when I could have been preparing? Why was I so blind? (Gets up and stumbles off stage)
Cindy is waiting for the bus. Still dressed in summery type clothing. Still smiling and enjoying the weather. Greg walks up to her, looking unkempt and hunted.
Greg: I’ve seen every episode of the twilight zone now.
Cindy: hello
Greg: I still haven’t been able to find the announcer.
Cindy: oh it’s absolutely beautiful.
Greg: Are you kidding? That man isn’t good looking at all.
Cindy: I know the feeling, but too bad I can’t just call in sick
Greg: Well at least we’re not in black and white.
&nb
sp; Cindy: I’m a professional rodeo clown.
Greg: I mean, the total lack of color would be over the top.
Cindy: it’s both, it’s a fantastic adrenaline rush, the bull and the crowds all watching you, it’s like being an action hero or a firefighter or something.
Greg: But then being back here over and over is enough.
Cindy: really, what do you do?
Greg: I must be going crazy.
Cindy: Really? Have you ever met him?
Greg: How could I be sure though.
Cindy: the great one himself, Ronald McDonald! He is an inspiration to clowns everywhere.
Greg: Maybe it’s the world that is going crazy.
Cindy: I mean what he’s done, he is known worldwide! Such talent, I wish I could meet him just once.
Greg: And I’m the only sane one left.
Cindy: (Disappointed) Oh, well if you ever do meet him, will you get his autograph for me? (flirts)I would really appreciate it.
Greg: But wouldn’t that make me crazy?
Cindy: Oh yeah, well you could call me, and we could meet.
Greg: Damn paradoxes.
Cindy: One moment (writes it down and hands it to him).
Greg: I wish I paid more attention in that philosophy class I had, or at least to Star Trek.
Cindy: How sweet of you. Well I have to go now my bus is here. Bye! (walks off stage.)
Greg: They always seem to solve problems like these in Star Trek.
Summery once again, Cindy is wearing different clothes, Greg is wearing the same thing that she’s in.
Greg: So I’ve seen every episode of all of the Star Trek series.
Cindy: hello
Greg: I still have no idea what’s going on.
Cindy: oh it’s absolutely beautiful.
Greg: But I figure, if you can’t beat them, join them.
Cindy: I know the feeling, but too bad I can’t just call in sick
Greg: that’s why I’m wearing this!
Cindy: I’m a professional rodeo clown.
Greg: I was going to wear some makeup.
Cindy: it’s both, it’s a fantastic adrenaline rush, the bull and the crowds all watching you, it’s like being an action hero or a firefighter or something.
Greg: But I couldn’t find a lipstick that matches my complexion.
Cindy: really, what do you do?
Greg: Actually I did find a lipstick that matches my complexion, I just didn’t want to go that far yet.
Cindy: Really? Have you ever met him?
Greg: How do you stand to wear these clothes?
Cindy: the great one himself, Ronald McDonald! He is an inspiration to clowns everywhere.
Greg: I mean the underwear they ride.
Cindy: I mean what he’s done, he is known worldwide! Such talent, I wish I could meet him just once.
Greg: And the bra, wow is it confining.
Cindy: (Disappointed) Oh, well if you ever do meet him, will you get his autograph for me? (flirts)I would really appreciate it.
Greg: Do these shorts make my butt look big?
Cindy: Oh yeah, well you could call me, and we could meet.
Greg: I mean bigger than usual.
Cindy: One moment (writes it down and hands it to him).
Greg: Man this thong is riding. I have got to get out of this place.
Cindy: How sweet of you. Well I have to go now my bus is here. Bye! (walks off stage. Greg heads in the opposite direction)
Cindy is wearing the same. Greg comes in dressed as a pink Easter bunny, basket and all.
Greg: hi
Cindy: hello
Greg: nice day
Cindy: oh it’s absolutely beautiful.
Greg: I don’t really want to go to work today, wish I could skip.
Cindy: I know the feeling, but too bad I can’t just call in sick
Greg: that’s a shame, what do you do?
Cindy: I’m a professional rodeo clown.
Greg: that sounds both exciting and dangerous.
Cindy: (finally can’t take it anymore) What the hell is wrong with you?
Greg: Huh?
Cindy: Are you trying to get us into trouble?
Greg: What?
Cindy: Why are you wearing that?
Greg: What happened to you?
Cindy: What do you mean?
Greg: Well you’re not prattling on about clowns.
Cindy: That’s my job.
Greg: I know, you’re a rodeo clown. You keep telling me.
Cindy: my job is to talk about clowns, not be one.
Greg: What?
Cindy: Why are you dressed in a bunny suit?
Greg: You like it? I think the fluffy tail makes my butt look big.
Cindy: No I don’t like it.
Greg: Why not?
Cindy: I don’t like the fact that you’ve been doing a terrible job reciting your lines.
Greg: What lines?
Cindy: We don’t improvise, the creator doesn’t like it.
Greg: What creator?
Cindy: What do you mean?
Greg: I’m confused.
Cindy: That’s obvious.
Greg: Who is the creator and what doesn’t he like?
Cindy: She like!
Greg: She like?
Cindy: The creator is the one who gives order to the universe. The creator likes us all to play their part.
Greg: What part is that?
Cindy: For me I pretend to be a rodeo clown. Now get back to your part.
Greg: Why though?
Cindy: So you don’t make the creator angry.
Greg: I don’t want to be a grill jockey at mc Donalds anymore.
Cindy: What?
Greg: I mean, what other wonderful things am I capable of?
Cindy: In that outfit? Nothing.
Greg: I thought it was cute. Hey, do you want to go out some time?
Cindy: What?
Greg: I mean I already have your phone number.
Cindy: That’s it I can’t work under these conditions.
Storms off the stage.
Greg: Shall I call you later?
Greg shrugs and exits the stage
Cindy is standing in her spot, Greg enters limping, wearing a torn up and abused bunny suit. His hair is mussed up and he’s dirty.
Greg: Hi.
Cindy: What happened to you?
Greg: nice day
Cindy: You’re a mess.
Greg: I don’t really want to talk about it.
Cindy: What happened?
Greg: I was hit by a bus.
Cindy: you look like it.
Greg: Well it dragged me along behind it for a while.
Cindy: ouch.
Greg: I really don’t want to go into work today, wish I could skip.
Cindy: I’ll bet, have you gone to see a doctor yet?
Greg: that’s a shame, what do you do?
Cindy: Hmmm? Oh! I’m a professional rodeo clown.
Greg: that sounds both exciting and dangerous.
Cindy: it’s both, it’s a fantastic adrenaline rush, the bull and the crowds all watching you, it’s like being an action hero or a firefighter or something.
Greg: Sounds like you really love what you do, that’s fantastic, I wish I were so lucky.
Cindy: really, what do you do?
Greg: Nothing so romantic, I happen to be a grill jock for micky d’s.
Cindy: Really? Have you ever met him?
Greg: Who?
Cindy: I can’t do this anymore. You should really go see a doctor.
Greg: Maybe, I think I look worse than I feel.
Cindy: Even if that is true, you look terrible.
Greg: Thanks a lot. no, I’ve never met him…he doesn’t hang around with the likes of me, I’m just a lowly peon ya know, just a burger flipper.
Cindy: I’m serious. You should get checke
d out.
Greg: Shouldn’t we finish this first?
Cindy: There are more important things than work.
Greg: I guess. Where is the nearest hospital?
Cindy: I’ll go with you.
Greg: Thanks.
Cindy: Where did you get that silly suit anyway?
They exit the stage together arm in arm, though he is leaning on her slightly.
A Sad State of Affairs
Jim Trelain
Liz Straun
Eugene
Johnny Trelain
Arthur Trelain
Karen Smith
Cleo Straun
Ned
Crowd at the Gallery
Scene1: Setting: Late summer, around the end of July the beginning of August. Basement, furnished as a basement family room type area. A couple older family couches and a television as well. Some ratty old carpet on the floor. The stairs leading to the basement are behind the curtains off stage. Late morning on a Saturday. Jim is relaxed in one of the couches, rereading the newest edition of his favorite comic book when Eugene walks in.
