by Lia Silver
It was an innocent question, but the answer was such a can of worms that Laura was tempted to say no and name the first state she remembered living in, which was New Jersey. He’d never know the difference. But then she’d have deliberately lied to him, after everything they’d gone through together. It would be the first step toward her wrecking their relationship, exactly like she’d feared.
“I don’t know,” she forced herself to say. “Probably not. I used to think I was from New Jersey, but Dad told me later that I was born in Philadelphia. My birth certificate says Delaware. Once Dad said the certificate was a fake, and once he said it wasn’t. He’s pretty good at keeping track of what he makes up, but in twenty-eight years, you’ll slip up sometimes.”
Roy frowned. “But why would he lie to you?”
“No reason. Lie enough, and you start lying automatically. Lie enough, and you can’t even remember what the truth is.”
He was giving her the pitying look she had been tempted to lie to avoid. “That’s a shame. I’d thought he lied to everyone but you.”
“Don’t look at me like that,” Laura said, unable to resist defending her father. “I love him. In a lot of ways, he’s great. He may be a crook, but he doesn’t have a mean bone in his body. But yeah, I have no idea if anything he says is true. I don’t know where I was born. I don’t know anything about his family. I’m not one hundred percent sure that his name is his real name.”
“Is your name your real name?” Roy asked. “You really are Laura Kaplan, right?”
She could tell that he felt disoriented, grasping at straws of truth in a sea of lies. Laura wished she’d never agreed to this game. She could already see where it was headed. If she told him the truth that lay at the end of that road, he’d never look at her the same way again.
“Yes. Kaplan was my mother’s name.”
And then came the question she’d been dreading.
“Do you know who she was?”
“This is an awful story,” Laura said miserably. “You’re going to think I’m a horrible person. I was a horrible person. At least, I did a horrible thing.”
Roy didn’t argue. “You’re not the only one. Try me.”
“I didn’t know if anything Dad had said about my mother was true. For a while I had this fantasy that he’d kidnapped me, even though that’s completely not his style. I thought maybe he’d seen some family abusing me, and grabbed me to rescue me. But I never checked, because I was a little afraid of what I might find. But one day I got so curious that looked up everything he’d ever told me about her.
“It was all true. Sarah Kaplan, killed by a drunk driver when she was only twenty-six, with her three-year-old daughter unharmed in the baby seat.
“Then I looked up her family. Her parents were alive, living in upstate New York. I wondered why they’d never tried to find me, so I decided to check them out.
“They belonged to a synagogue, and they attended religiously. As it were. So I joined it. I used a cover story that was similar to my real one—I wasn’t raised with any religion and my father wasn’t Jewish, but my mother was, and I wanted to get in touch with that side of my heritage. I figured that would account for everything I didn’t know, and it would give me an excuse to chat people up and ask them questions. The rest of my backstory was completely fake, of course. And to get their attention…”
Laura lowered her gaze to the cardboard box. She didn’t want to see Roy’s shock and disappointment.
“…I said my name was Sarah.”
“Did it work?” Roy’s tone told her nothing, other than that he wanted to hear more.
Laura plunged on, determined to be honest with him, whatever the consequences. “It absolutely worked. They took me under their wing, taught me all the prayers, invited me over for dinner. I got to meet the whole family, all these uncles and aunts and cousins, and eventually I heard all about my mom.
“The Kaplans were very traditional and respectable and old school. Mom was the black sheep. The more they tried to straighten her out, the more she rebelled. They wanted her to be a lawyer or a doctor or a business executive, but she never even went to college. They said, ‘She was a bartender! And then a tattoo artist!’ the way some people would say, ‘She was a car thief!’
“The last straw was that they wanted her to marry a respectable Jewish man, and she married Dad instead. I don’t know why he didn’t just say he was a Jewish doctor, but it sounded like by then mom and her family were completely on the outs and she didn’t care what they thought.
“She didn’t even bother telling them when she got pregnant. They only found out they had a granddaughter when they heard that mom had died, and by then Dad had skipped town and they had no legal claim on me anyway.
“One day my grandmother told me that she thought of me as the granddaughter she’d never had, and if I felt comfortable with it, she’d love it if I called her Grandma Miriam. I felt so guilty that the next day I ‘got a job out of state’ and left. I moved all the way to California on purpose so I’d never run into them.
“We exchanged emails for a while, but I gradually tapered off. I still get e-cards from them on Jewish holidays, and I write back, ‘I’m doing great, hope you’re all well, happy Hanukkah.’”
Laura’s face burned with shame. She didn’t dare to look at him, but she was certain that Roy could see her blushing.
“You liked them, didn’t you?” Roy asked.
“I did,” Laura confessed miserably. “They would have driven me crazy too if they’d been my parents, but they were good people. They were sweet. They were kind. Miriam used to say, ‘Food is love,’ and give me a second helping of something traditional, and ask me if I wanted her to teach me how to make it.
“But by the time I realized that I should have just introduced myself, I’d already been conning them for months, telling them all these elaborate lies about my life. And then it was too late. It was too late the moment I said my name was Sarah.”
“Laura,” Roy said. “Look at me.”
Laura didn’t move. Once she looked up, she’d see the judgment she deserved. She’d see disillusionment and anger. Worst of all, she’d see his hurt that he’d loved a woman who had deceived him, who deceived everyone, even deceived her own family…
“In boot camp they made us practice clearing jams on our M-16s,” Roy said unexpectedly.
Laura looked up in surprise. “What? What does that even mean?”
He smiled. “Sorry, I should come with a manual of terms. They made us practice how to fix our rifles if they wouldn’t fire. They timed us and screamed in our faces if we were slow. They had us do it in the dark, and in a room filled with tear gas, and while they played recorded explosions so loud you couldn’t hear yourself think. They made us do it a thousand times. They wanted us to learn those movements so well that they became instinct, so if our weapon jammed in combat, we could get it working again even if it was pitch-black and we were wounded and under fire.”
“Yes…?” Laura said, baffled. “And…?”
“My point is that we wouldn’t have been able to do that if we’d only practiced once. Just like hearing something once isn’t convincing. You keep telling me you want to know what’s going on with me, and it won’t make you think I’m weak. I believe you. But every time you say, ‘How’re you feeling, Roy?’ I open my mouth and anything but ‘fine’ sticks in my throat. I spent twelve years learning that no matter what’s wrong, you keep going and you do your job and when you get an order, you say, ‘yes, sir!’ You don’t say, ‘Sorry, sir, I’m scared and tired and sick and I’d rather not.’”
Laura’s guilty panic had eased as she’d tried to follow Roy’s long digression. “You’re saying I spent so many years lying, it was second nature.”
“Yeah. I’m not saying what you did was great. But I’ve done a lot of not-so-great things myself.” Roy took both her hands in his. She saw no judgment in his level gray gaze, only determination and love. “You don’t shock
me. You don’t horrify me. I know you’ve lied to people. I know you’re trying to stop. I love you. You can tell me everything you’ve ever done in your entire life that you regret, and I’ll still love you. And if you don’t believe me, I’ll keep on saying it until you do. If it takes a thousand times to convince you, then I’ll say it a thousand times.”
“In the dark, and in a room filled with tear gas?” Laura tried to smile, but tears spilled over.
Roy caught them on one finger. “And wounded and under fire. Whatever it takes. What’s the Marines’ motto, Laura? You said it to me on our first date.”
“Semper fi.”
“Do you know what it means?”
Laura’s voice wavered. “Always faithful.”
“Yes,” Roy said simply.
Laura still found it hard to believe that all his loyalty could be directed at her, or that she could in any way deserve it. But she believed it more than she had the last time he’d made her that promise. It frightened her, but it warmed her, too. This was what she’d been looking for when she’d decided to stop conning people: honesty, friendship, and love.
“When did the thing with your mom’s family happen, by the way?” Roy asked.
Laura cleared her throat, regaining control of her voice. “Last year. It’s what made me decide to go straight. I’d gotten a chance to have a family, apart from Dad—a family I loved, ridiculous hang-ups and all—and I destroyed it with lies. That was it. I was done. I wanted to start my entire life over. I just wish I’d started over with the Kaplans.”
“You still could.”
The thought of confessing to them made Laura’s stomach curdle. “Talk about being judged! They thought being a bartender was scandalous. I can’t even imagine what they’d say if I called them up and said, ‘Hi, this is Sarah, and by the way that’s not even my name, I’m actually your granddaughter and I lied to you about everything, and also I’m a former professional con artist.”
“Well,” said Roy. “The only way you’ll ever find out is if you confess. Maybe they’ll tell you to get lost. But I bet they’ll think you’re the prodigal son—okay, the prodigal granddaughter—and slaughter the fatted calf for you, while some cousin sulks in the background, whining that he always told the truth and he passed the bar exam on his first try and no one ever slaughtered him a fatted calf.”
Laura couldn’t help smiling at the image. “Too bad I can’t bring you along, as a buffer. I bet all your girlfriends’ parents loved you, even if you were the wrong religion or race or something—I assume you’re not Jewish?”
“I’m Catholic. But you’re right, parents always approve of me. If you really want to impress them, I could get you a photo of me in my dress blues—my dress uniform.”
“Hot,” Laura remarked. “I want one for myself.”
“I’ll see what I can do. So, will you do it?”
Anxiety twisted in Laura’s belly again. “You’re not letting me off the hook, huh? I’ll think about it. I do mean that. I just don’t want to make any promises right now. This has been one hell of a night.”
“I know.” Roy gave her an ironic smile. “Definitely the most intense first—I mean second first date I’ve ever been on. I didn’t realize it would be like this. I thought it would be fun and take our minds off things.”
“That’s it for the first date lies, isn’t it? I assume all that stuff about your deadbeat dad was true.”
“Yeah, he’s a waste of oxygen,” Roy said. “But there was one last thing I wasn’t completely honest about. And I bet you remember what it is.”
Laura hadn’t intended to bring it up. But if Roy was willing to go there… “How much time have you spent in combat?”
“Too much,” Roy said, and she could hear the weight of all those years in his voice.
Laura got up and sat down beside him. “How are you doing?”
He leaned his head on her shoulder. “It all hit me a second ago. It’s like my last couple months in Afghanistan. I was fine as long as I had a job to distract me, and everything came down on me like a ton of bricks the moment it was done.” A tremor ran through his body, then another. “Like that. I’m glad you’re here with me. I’d be losing my mind if I was alone. How are you holding up?”
“This is the most tired I’ve been in my entire life. I feel like I got beaten up.”
“That’s the post-combat adrenaline drop,” Roy said. “When it lets you down, you fall hard. I could carry you back to the cabin…”
“But you’d rather not?”
“I’d rather not,” he admitted.
“I can walk,” Laura said. “It was sweet of you to carry me, but it won’t kill me to get my feet muddy.”
“I know. But I’m too tired to move. And I don’t want to lie down in the dark. I’m worried the pack might panic if they find us gone, though.”
“They’ll know we’re near. They’ll feel us in the pack sense.” Laura opened herself to it, and drew Roy in as well. Miguel and Keisha and Russell were only faintly present, deep in an exhausted sleep. Nicolette was wide awake, every nerve humming with tension, guarding Miguel for dear life.
Laura nudged Roy. “Reach out to Nicolette. I think she relates more to you than to me. I’ll help you.”
She caught the strands of the bond that connected Roy and Nicolette, then pulled them closer. Laura felt Roy extend his presence toward her, assuring her that he was taking over her watch so she could rest. Nicolette pushed back, refusing to sleep, but her tension lessened.
Laura drew back and turned to Roy. He was sagging as if he could barely even sit up.
“She thinks if she falls asleep, she’s abandoning her post.” His words slurred with weariness. “You know who she reminds me of? Me, right before I completely fell apart. Three… two… one… boom. She’s going to go to pieces, and I don’t know how to stop her.”
“Maybe you can help her put herself back together afterward.”
Roy said something in response, but Laura didn’t hear it. Her eyes kept slipping shut. She had the thought that it was impossible to fall asleep sitting up, and then she awakened on the other side of the barn, lying with her head in Roy’s lap, covered with a blanket. He was leaning against the wall, holding The Key-Lock Man in one hand. She blinked up at him, confused.
Roy stroked her hair, his touch gentle and soothing. “Go back to sleep.”
“How long…?”
“Just a few minutes.”
“You should sleep too.”
He shook his head. “Not tonight. It’s okay. You’re here with me, I’ve got a book so I won’t be bored, and I can feel the pack if they need me.”
“You can sleep. It wouldn’t be abandoning your post.”
“What? No, it’s not that.” His lips curved in a bittersweet smile. “I’m scared, Laura. I’m scared and tired and hurt and I’d rather not. If I close my eyes, I feel myself starting to sink through the wall. If I stay awake and I’m touching you, I’m all right. I’m not guarding you. You’re guarding me.”
Laura covered her hand with hers, then pulled it down so she could press a kiss into his palm. She touched the bond between them, making sure that she could feel his presence and he could feel hers. Then, guarding him, she slept.
Chapter Twenty-One: Roy
The Pack
It doesn’t matter how heavy your gear is or how tired you are, Roy told himself. You have to keep going. You’re the alpha. You’re the only person who’s fit for duty. Everyone is depending on you.
Three days after the rescue of the pack, Roy was the only person who seemed to be functioning at all. Laura was silent and withdrawn. If Roy started a conversation with her, she’d participate for a sentence or two and then drift off into her own thoughts. The most she’d talked to him since their date in the barn was when she described her dreams: Gregor killing Roy, Gregor forcing her to kill Roy, Gregor putting a gun in her hand and making her pull the trigger.
Miguel had nightmares when he slept and s
at around staring at nothing when he was awake. Russell slept day and night, rousing only when Roy shook him awake to eat or shower. Keisha diagnosed herself with exhaustion and acute stress disorder, went to bed, and left it only to check on Russell and treat Nicolette’s gunshot wound. Nicolette patrolled the grounds by night and day, going to full alert every time some animal rustled in the bushes. It exhausted Roy just watching her.
Roy treated them as stress casualties. With all the experience he’d had on the other side, he knew the drill. Maybe it hadn’t been that helpful in the long run, but it had gotten him back on his feet in the short term, and he didn’t have any better ideas.
He made sure they all ate and showered and put on clean clothes, coaxed Nicolette into napping while he patrolled, reminded Laura that she’d done what she had to do to save his life and the lives of the pack, sat by Laura and Miguel when they slept and talked them down when they woke up screaming, assigned Laura and Miguel and Nicolette easy household tasks to make them feel useful, reassured them all that he’d seen Marines go through the same thing and it was normal and temporary, and kept touch with them through the pack sense, sending them messages of safety and protection and hope.
He glanced out the living room window at the lowering sun. Nicolette was prowling around the driveway, reminding Roy that he needed to warn her that DJ might show up and was friendly.
He couldn’t seem to keep anything in his mind lately. Every now and then, he’d remember that he should ask if anyone had a phone, so he could call the Torres family and leave a message for DJ that the hostage situation had been resolved and he didn’t need to rush up or bring weapons. But he’d have to get Laura to steady him in the pack sense and he wasn’t sure she had the focus to do that, and anyway he kept forgetting to ask.
He looked around to see if there was anyone he could ask now. Russell was still racked out in front of the fireplace. Keisha was asleep in the bedroom. Laura lay on the sofa bed holding a book open, but she hadn’t turned a page in hours. Miguel sat in the corner, not even pretending to do anything but stare into space.
