I pulled into the driveway right when I said, around dinnertime. I climbed out of Jaron's car to see him standing there, waiting for me.
“Leigh?” he asked as I handed him the keys. “Can I take you to dinner?”
“Um… sure.” I turned and climbed back into his car, the passenger's side that time, and we pulled out. “What's up Jaron?” I figured he had a purpose.
“We didn't talk about your cancer much, when you were sick.”
“No. You were my safe person.” I smiled at that memory of him. He never asked about me, just what I wanted. We'd played a lot of games and watched a lot of movies. I never had to worry about answering questions about how I was feeling or the really intrusive questions people feel they can ask about your body when they know you're sick. Ovarian cancer was not a comfortable thing to talk about at eighteen. It still wasn't at close to twenty.
“Your safe person?” He glanced at me, waiting for more explanation.
“You know. You were the one who didn't ask the same questions as everyone else.”
“Oh.” His face fell.
“It's fine, Jaron. Really. You can ask me whatever you want.” It was over now—aside from the unnecessary paranoia of my parents and the medical profession.
He looked as if he was deciding whether to take me up on it or not. “What do they do for you now? I mean, why do you go in?”
“To babysit me.” I laughed. He looked over at me, wanting a real answer. “Okay, they do a once-over, like a regular checkup only they ask me more specific questions about how I'm feeling. They always go over a list of things for me to watch for—you know, in case it comes back.”
“Isn't there a better way to do that? To know if you're getting sick again?”
“They do a blood test. It's not perfect, but it's a good indication.” I clasped my hands together in my lap, unsure of what he'd want to know.
“Why would they worry about it coming back?” He kept his eyes on the road.
“Well, with me, for several reasons. The first is that the cancer was in one ovary, not both. The fact that I had ovarian cancer and still have an ovary puts me at greater risk. There was also some, but not a lot, of cancer in the surrounding tissue. It's actually a little strange that it wasn't in both ovaries considering they found it elsewhere.” I knew I had to just keep talking or I wouldn't be able to finish.
“I was adamant that they leave the healthy one there so that I'd at least have the chance for kids later. They removed one ovary and the fallopian tube… and I can't believe I'm saying these words in front of my brother.” I laughed, but he smiled and kept looking at the road in front of us. “The chemo was to kill any small cancer cells they might have missed or that were growing in the surrounding tissue.”
“I'm missing something. They left one there, which gives you a greater risk of repeated cancer, but you still can't have kids?” His eyebrows pulled together in confusion.
“Ironic, huh?” I looked out the window. “The chemo often damages the remaining ovary to the point that it's sterile. They're pretty sure that's what happened to me. It's almost completely withered away. I'm okay with that. I knew it was a likely outcome.”
“Really? Just like that?” Now he sounded incredulous.
“Just like that.” I pulled my knees to my chest on the small car seat. “The whole thing sucks, Jaron. You just get used to suckiness.” I rested my cheek on my knees so I could see him. “I figured Mom would have told you all this stuff.”
He laughed. “I'm sure she did, but at the time, it wasn't what was important, you know?”
We went through the Crown Burger drive-through. Jaron ordered me a cheeseburger, some fries, and a shake, and we started back home.
“Do you like your doctor up here?” He asked, digging into the fries.
“Well, he kept up with my smart mouth, so I guess that's a good thing.”
“Leigh…” He sounded exasperated, but I could see a smile at the corners of his mouth.
“He's young, but nice enough.”
“Good. Did you call Mom?”
I stopped eating and looked at him. “You're kidding, right?”
“Sorry.” He laughed. “How many times did she call?”
“Two or three, I don't remember.” I rolled my eyes and stuffed another handful of fries into my mouth.
He pulled his car into the park near our house. We climbed out with what was left of our fries and our meal, and I followed Jaron. We sat on a bench together.
I looked out at the families, kids playing on the playground equipment, parents laughing. The sun started to set and the sky filled with shades of brilliant orange.
“Were you afraid?” He kept eating, trying to make the conversation easier.
“At first.” The memory that came back strongest was last Thanksgiving. I'd been terrified. I'd just come out of surgery and was just starting to realize what I'd be facing.
“What changed?”
I swallowed another bite. “When I realized I had no control… that was when everything changed. There are a lot of things I have control over, but there are a lot more things that I have no control over. When you're no longer afraid of death, there are a lot of things you're not afraid of anymore.” I took a drink of my shake. I didn't want to look at Jaron—the conversation was already too personal.
“There are things that I know, Jaron. I will never ever doubt that I have a Father in Heaven who loves me and wants me back in His arms. We only see what's close to us, but if we allow ourselves to simply feel, and not see, we can understand so much more. I didn't see beyond the veil, but I felt it, Jaron. I felt it as though I was on my way through to the next life.”
Jaron sat silent, thinking. “You always looked like you knew you'd be okay.”
“I did know I'd be okay, once I got past that initial fear. But my definition of okay was probably a little different than yours. The doctors were all positive, but I still didn't know if I'd survive it or not. Either way, I knew I'd be okay. I didn't know how to tell everyone that I didn't care if I lived or died because it would be a scary thing to hear. But I could tell people I'd be okay, and it was the honest answer. The only time I was sad was when I was thinking about how you would feel if I wasn't around anymore.” I took a deep breath and tried not to cry. “Recovery rates are pretty good anyway; I was only stage 2. The doctors all seemed pretty optimistic, though I'd guess they'd be out of a job pretty quick if they didn't.” I picked up my shake to down the last few sips.
“That sounds cynical,” he said.
I shrugged. “I'll never be the same girl.” I paused, thinking. “I hope I'm never the same girl. I learned too much. It would seem like such a wasted experience if I lost it.”
He put his arm around me and gave me a hug. “Thanks, Leigh, for helping me to understand.”
I laid my head on his shoulder for a minute, and then we cleared away our things and headed for home. I hadn't talked to anyone about all of that. All of the things I'd learned. As soon as I knew I had cancer, I'd avoided my friends and was afraid to talk to Mom or Dad about anything but how great I felt. I liked saying it all out loud. It was an experience that changed my life. And I was still alive to enjoy that knowledge. I had a lot to be grateful for.
five
With all the craziness of my talk with Jaron and new classes and my new doctor, Friday night came, and I couldn't sleep. I'd had a lot of quiet nights alone outside when I was sick. Not being able to sleep wasn't the worst thing in the world. I tiptoed outside at about two thirty in the morning, and the air still felt warm. I took in a deep breath and enjoyed it. I was lying down on one of the lounge chairs to get comfortable when Brian pulled up in our shared driveway. It seemed a little late for him to be out.
“Leigh?” He asked as he got out of the car. “You know it's almost three a.m., right?”
“Yep. Can't sleep.”
“Oh.” He looked around the yard and then back again at me. What was he looking for? What did h
e think I was doing out here?
“Night.” I smiled and waved. I hoped he'd take the hint and leave me in peace.
“Night.” He waved back and disappeared into his apartment. I couldn't help but wonder what he'd been doing. I went back inside, lay down on the couch, and turned on QVC. I drifted off sometime just before dawn.
When I pulled myself off the couch, it was nearly noon. I stumbled over to my backpack, pulled out my math texts and walked out to my hammock.
“Hey, Leigh.” Jaron walked over. “Whatcha workin’ on?”
“Trying to keep up with math so I can catch up to my fellow architectural students.” I sighed.
“How's that going?” He sat in a crouch to see me better.
“What's going on with you?” I didn't even try to hide the fact that I wanted a subject change.
“Well…” He paused, with eyebrows raised, trying to incite some drama or suspense. My brain hurt from lack of sleep and calculus. I was sure I didn't give the desired reaction. “Brian had his interview, and he'll be getting the Melchizedek Priesthood and heading to the temple!”
“That's great,” I said. I still didn't know what to make of Brian. We hadn't really talked aside from all being part of the same group on Stuart and Julie's porch. Aside from our late night chat, I never saw him when we weren't all together.
“Yeah, so you'll be in church tomorrow?” He asked with an equal amount of enthusiasm.
“Um… I didn't sleep last night. I'll just see how I am in the morning.” In reality, I wanted to be alone more than anything else.
“Are you okay?” He looked worried.
“I'm sure it's just me being overtired after such a busy week.” I tried a half smile.
“Let me know if you need a blessing, okay? Pretty soon you'll have choices next door.” He smiled big again, stood up, and jogged off toward his house.
A few minutes later, Brian and Stuart came running up the road together. I had no idea how they ran in the heat. They came into the backyard and started their routine of pushups and situps. It seemed crazy that those two men were friends with my brother; it was hard for me not to see him the way he was in high school—too skinny for his height and just… goofy. I guess we'd both grown up.
“Leigh,” Megan tapped on my door, “You're going to be late.”
“I'm in bed today,” I mumbled back, too tired to explain further.
“Okay.” It came out slowly.
I paused, waiting for something else, but I didn't hear anything, so I rolled over and pulled my blankets to my chin.
A few minutes later I heard another knock.
“Leigh?” Jaron's voice now. “I'm opening the door.”
“Fine.” My back was to him, and I didn't move when he walked in.
“Are you okay?” His voice was strained. “I mean, do you need anything?”
“Just sleep, which I was working on a moment ago,” I whispered. I was too tired for a coherent thought.
“Sorry,” he whispered back. “I'll come to check on you later.”
“Mmhmm.”
I heard him tiptoe out.
Another small knock.
“What?” I was exasperated.
“I'm just checking on you.” Jaron. Again, he just walked in.
“You were just here,” I mumbled.
“That was four hours ago.”
“Oh.” My body still felt heavy, tired.
“I feel like I should do something…”
“Just let me sleep, okay?” I shuffled slightly and pulled my blankets further up, half-covering my face.
“Sorry.” His voice was back to a whisper.
I crashed. Jaron came in two more times that day. All I could hope was that my roommates thought he was crazy—better than them thinking something was wrong with me.
I stepped out my front door Monday morning to see Jaron already next to his car, waiting.
“See?” I raised my hands up as if in victory. “All better.”
“Okay.” He was looking at me closely. I have no idea what he expected to find.
“Oh!” Jaron opened his car door. “Brian's paperwork is already in order, and we're all heading off to the temple on Saturday morning. You game?”
“I'll be there.” I nodded. It had been a while.
“So, what do you guys think of Brian?” I asked.
We'd just crammed into Megan's car for our temple trip.
“He's really nice,” Megan answered. “I've gotten to know him a bit. They've been our next door boys for almost a year. Can you believe that?” She looked over at Kim.
“Next door boys?” I asked.
“Yeah.” Megan turned to face me briefly. “You know, they're the boys who live next door—our next door boys.”
“Okay.” Awkward, but whatever.
“I had such a crush on Brian when he moved in,” Kim mused, “but he doesn't really seem interested in anybody.”
“Is there anyone you haven't had a crush on?” I joked. Once I said it, I realized maybe I'd gone too far. I probably didn't know Kim well enough to tease her like that.
“Maybe I can just see the good in everybody.” She laughed.
I was relieved.
We pulled up to the Provo Temple, and I immediately went for Jaron's arm. He'd gone through with me my first time and almost every time since then. It had become our routine when he came into town in the short time I'd had a recommend.
I was sure my parents went to my bishop and suggested that I go to the temple. They, like me, weren't sure if I'd make it. It had been such a blessing for me. It added to the peace I prayed for daily and kept me focused on my spiritual self when I could do nothing about my physical health.
I went to the dressing room and changed into my long white dress. I took a deep, relaxing breath in. I loved to see who I went in for, where they lived, when they were born. I picked up my name, and the birth date was 1567. Ha! I had Jaron beat for sure.
After the session, Jaron came and sat next to me.
“1567,” I said. “Beat that.”
He laughed quietly, and I knew he had me. “1545. Sorry, Leigh.”
“Darn.” I grabbed his arm and leaned my head against his shoulder. He let me relax onto him. Our time together over the past year and our missing sibling had made Jaron and I closer than any other brother and sister I knew. I sat there until I was wholly comfortable and starting to get bored. Jaron never moved until I did. He was going to make someone a great husband.
“You're a good brother, Jaron.” I kissed him on the cheek.
“The best.” He smiled back.
“You have to feel pretty good about one of your converts going to the temple, huh?” I nudged him with my elbow.
“He's not my convert.” Jaron shook his head slightly.
“Did you or did you not baptize him?” I raised my eyebrows.
“Brian's had to overcome more than a lot of people do, and he's one of the best men I know.” Jaron and I both glanced over to Brian, who was talking quietly with our bishop. “It's his story to tell, though, not mine.”
“I'm keeping you from talking to him.” I'd been selfish with Jaron's time.
“It's okay.” He patted my arm.
“I'm done.” I stood up. “Thanks, Jaron.”
“Anytime.” He moved toward Brian.
I glanced back at them as I neared the doorway; Jaron's arm was around Brian's shoulders. I was happy for Jaron having someone he was so close to. Brian's eyes caught mine just before I walked out. My breath caught, and I felt bad for interrupting their conversation by staring.
I rolled over and checked the clock. 1 a.m. There was no reason for me to be unable to sleep. I'd been at the temple earlier in the day, and I'd caught up in math. I grabbed a sweatshirt, unsure of how warm it would be. I pulled it over my head as I opened my front door and stepped out into the backyard.
“You're up late again.” Brian shut his car door behind him.
“Yeah, sometimes I can'
t sleep,” I answered. What did he do that kept him out so late?
“Yeah, you said that last time.” His mouth started to pull into a smile. “Well, I'm off to try to get some rest. See ya tomorrow.” He waved at me.
When he passed me, all I could smell was cigarettes and alcohol. Where had he been? He'd just gone to the temple earlier in the day. Had he smelled this bad the last time I saw him out here in the middle of the night? I wasn't sure.
Two more nights that week I saw Brian drive home after midnight. Both times I crouched low in my hammock, hoping he wouldn't see me in the dark.
I wanted to avoid Brian at all costs. How do you confront someone about something like that? Coming home in the middle of the night the way he did? Should I say something to Jaron? Should I talk to Brian? I didn't feel as though I knew him well enough to. No matter how I worded it, it would sound like some sort of accusation. I didn't want to start an argument with my brother's best friend. The only thing I could think to do was keep my distance, at least for a while.
six
“There you are!” Jaron called as I walked toward his car after class.
“Here I am.” I stopped in front of him.
“I thought we'd visit Mom and Dad this weekend. Brian needs Dad's help with something, and I know Mom wants to see you.” He turned to unlock his car.
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, she probably does.”
“And…” he looked hesitant. “Brian said he saw you outside a few times, in the middle of the night. If you're not sleeping, Leigh…” He climbed in, and I walked around to the other side of his car.
“Thanks, Jaron. I'm well aware,” I said as I climbed in.
He didn't say anything else.
We'd be taking a drive in the car to Mom and Dad's house… with Brian. There would be no avoiding him then. Jaron started his car, and I almost asked about Brian and why he was out so late, but I didn't really want to continue the subject and draw attention to myself.
The Next Door Boys Page 4
